To really wish I hadn’t had a baby during lockdown?

[luckyinblue]

Of course I couldn’t have foreseen it and at any rate at my age couldn’t really wait to TTC but it is rubbish.

I am on my own with baby from waking (about 7am) to DH finishing work (6ish) and then maybe an hour before have to get the baby into bed and stay with him. So about an hour of adult interaction every day.

I am finding myself dreading the days because I just don’t know what to do with them and I really didn’t ever think maternity leave would be this lonely or miserable.

I know, it's utter rubbish and can make you feel very low. My dd is 3 months old so conceived just before covid was a thing here for all those judgey people saying don't get pregnant in a pandemic. I've got a 6 year old ds too and I can easily say that this is not what I thought maternity leave would be like and I feel completely robbed. Not having groups or even cafes to go to is so so hard as well as not being able to see friends or family. It isn't how we're meant to behave and it isn't good for fragile, sleep deprived mental health.
I've found I feel better if I take her for a walk in the pram although this weather makes even that hard and you can't stay out long anyway as there's nowhere to feed or change them, aargh.
How long is your maternity leave? Hopefully things will start to open up in a few months. I found with my son that even an hour of adult contact at a group or cafe or park in the summer made a huge difference as as much as having time with your baby is great you do need other face to face contact or you go mad, well I do.
Everyone has got hard things going on at the moment but I think you're allowed to feel upset that what should be this incredible time of being with AND sharing your baby has been taken away from you.

YANBU OP. I had my second baby in the first lockdown. Had been so looking forward to my mat leave as I absolutely loved my first one with DD. This one is completely shit in comparison. I’m really sad about all the things we’ve missed out on and it makes it such a lonely time. I managed to go to a couple of groups in the autumn but it wasn’t the same with masks/distancing and not being able to chat properly or go for coffee afterwards.
My baby was rubbish at napping in the early days but now naps consistently twice a day so it does get better. Naps are all that’s saving my sanity tbh!

OP I just wanted to send you virtual for doing what you do. I don't have any advice but to say ignore the people on here who seem to think their way is 'right' and yours is 'wrong'. I agree with you that the cold weather just makes walks extra shit. Hopefully the sun will shine soon and we can open our doors a bit!

OP, sorry that you're finding it so hard.

My DS1 is nearly 14 and my DS2 just turned 12 so it's a long time ago but I remember how lonely maternity leave felt even at a normal time. Now I long for more time alone in the house... but I eventually found groups and my dad used to come and meet me for a bit and that broke up the day. I'd just about found the best places to go when I had to go back to work. My second maternity leave was better because I knew where to turn for help, but I did really need the help. Although I did make some friends I was in my late 30s and found I was a lot older than a lot of the people I met, and that I didn't seem to have much in common even with some who were closer to my age.

Have you tried the postnatal threads for others who had babies around the same time? (November or December?)

Or other threads for people with shared interests - reading, music, TV, something that you'd like to get back to doing outside whenever that is.

Hopefully things will get easier as the weather gets a little bit warmer, even if that's still to take baby out on your own.

During the day, do you feel able to read a bit? If not, put the radio on or the TV, start a series with lots of episodes even if it's a bit daft, see if the library has any audiobooks available for loan that appeal if focusing on print is too hard.

@luckyinblue

The other thing is that baby needs white noise to sleep so might be hard to hear crying over that. Anyway - it’s the days that are the problem more than the nights.

We still use white noise and my DD is 2. She can hear the noise, we can't. We can hear her cry and also see her on the monitor.

There's a trend on here at the moment to attack the OP, any OP, for any reason, so just ignore them and focus on the sensible posts. Times are so tough for new parents and I really feel for you. My daughter has a 12 week old and, for reasons too long to go into, they've been living with us since before Christmas. My daughter has had surgery and can't walk at the moment, so all walks are down to me. Fortunately I like walking, and take the little one out every day in the freezing cold. DD is signed up for online baby sensory classes twice a week which gives some structure to those days. Perhaps you could look into that? She also has an app to monitor feeds and naps, so we're in quite a good routine. They go to bed at 9pm (and so do I!). I think structure to the day is key - baby sensory, walk, massage, teletubbies etc. makes the day go more quickly. You are a new mum in extraordinary times. New babies are tough at the best of times so don't put too much pressure on yourself now. You're doing great.

Oh, you really do have the thin edge of the wedge. My ‘Mum mates’ & I all agree that our sanity was utterly saved by the varying baby groups and ‘activities’ we attended....it was an outlet for us probably more than the babies. You are doing incredibly well to be managing despite the loneliness Covid is forcing on you. Shortly let’s hope things will unlock... and though it may be a while before the church playgroups, library sessions etc resume in the meantime get researching the pram/exercise outdoor sessions, any outside ‘action’ classes etc etc - there’ll be stuff out there, jump on it the moment you’re allowed!!

Oh OP sounds like you've got one like mine. At around 3 weeks old she stopped napping and I spent the next year having to walk her to sleep in the pram or sling. She was a shit sleeper at night too so I'd go to bed when she did. I did reach a point where I finally insisted I get some evening back but it was probably a few more months in than you currently are.

It must be really tough as this part of maternity leave was didn't meeting mum friends in cafes. The weather will improve soon and restrictions will be eased so you will finally be able to do maternity leave things. You've just to try and grin and bear it for a little while longer. I do feel for you. A shit sleeper meant I was always highly emotional (sleep deprivation) so being able to talk to others in the same point was really helpful.

I am so glad I had my first DS 15 years ago or I fear there might not have been a second!

He went into his own room from birth, we had a monitor and could hear him. He slept, we slept.

Me and DH had our evenings together.

It really seems to me that with every passing year there is another stick to beat parents with

Re sleeping - mine needed to be on me, snuggled into me. At all times. Given the coldness of winter, maybe hardly surprising. I wasn't prepared for having to have a baby on me ALL THE TIME. A sling was a massive help for my second, but my first hated them until he was bigger.

Not sure about baby groups - I was going to rec them, then remembered what it was like first going to baby and toddler groups. The piercing, screaming echoes off the church walls, a hundred kids all hitting each other with sticky plastic teapots, another mother accusing me of nicking her subs money (yes, really). You might actually have got lucky missing them out, OP.

When the baby was bigger they were a lifeline, but at newborn stage it was just - getting through the day, however you could.

OP it must be really hard but I think you are romanticising mat leave in normal times. Your baby is only 8 weeks. Not many people are filling their days with loads of baby groups at this age. The first few weeks are generally a blur! It is boring. You soon find your normal friends are all at work and making mum friends can be tough, walking into a group for the first time. That said, having mum friends is essential. You need people with babies at a similar stage because it's so intense to you but in a year's time you'll forget how many weeks they rolled, sat up etc. Without covid you'd brave it and go to these groups so I think the suggestion to try and make some online mum friends is the best one. Even one walk a week with someone who gets it will make the world of difference. In another month I think things will improve and then your baby will be an ideal age to start doing a bit more. For now make the most of the cuddles and don't feel guilty watching a box set while doing it.

Oh dear sorry to hear you're having a tough time. My baby isn't happy unless she's attached or next to me on an evening. The TV doesn't disturb her but talking does.

There's an app called Mush that might be worth checking out to meet other mums. Otherwise I suggest when it's warmer going for walks in parks and just asking other mums about their babies etc. I've done this and now have a WhatsApp group of 5 mums to chat to. Some mums might not want to chat,. So don't be offended.

Your baby is the baby you had. If you had a baby at any other time or place it would not have been that particular baby. Like all mothers over the millennia, concentrate on doing the best you can for you, baby and family. No one has ever chosen when or where to be born, you are there to give you and your baby the best you can whatever circumstances arise.

I don't think you're unreasonable for wishing you had a baby in lockdown, I didn't and keep thinking how the shitty first 6 months would have been a whole other level of shitty if I had. To the person who said having a baby is easier than other ages... it might be easier but it's freaking MIND NUMBING at the best of times. I have a 2.5 year old and it's not always brilliant, but honestly, we're allowed our nanny where I am (abroad) and DH and I like WFHing so... it's actually ok. I think having primary age kids and an employer that isn't understanding would pretty dreadful... but a newborn is definitely up there for worst ages during lock down.

I do think you're unreasonable for not considering taking some of the advice on board, your evenings might feel like they work, but if you're finding life really shit at the moment (which is reasonable), changing up the evening might actually help you, despite what you think. If you don't want to change your evenings and your DH is WFH, maybe he would take a couple hours out in the middle of the day and then work in the evenings, just to break up your day some since you're going to bed early anyway. That might suck for him, but I can 100% guarantee your life sucks more right now and he can learn how to put the baby down (seriously, just give him a chance for a few nights and he'll obviously figure it out). Or, better yet, get him to take a couple months of shared parental leave.

Also, if you don't have anything better to do, I'd be working on getting your DC to sleep independently, honestly, that alone can be pretty life changing even if you can't leave from the house. My DD was a crappy napper until 5 months, then she napped for 1.5 hours 2x/day and until I went back to work almost a year later, it was fab. I was still stuck within baby monitor range but I could cook (which I love), I did a ton of sewing for myself and frankly, just sat on our roof deck by myself with a glass of wine and a book every afternoon in the sun.

@luckyinblue I found maternity leave with ds1 lonely and I had him out of lockdown! Mine are 6 and 2, i'm thankful for the structure of homeschooling, I imagine the days are long without this.

I feel for you op. Such a difficult time to have a newborn. For those posters saying it's a time to bond and they didn't do anything on mat leave, that's not the same as they had the choice. Dd1 is 9 now but my mat leave with her was like an 8 month holiday, and many of my friends said the same. Regardless of lack of sleep, it's a gift to have time off work. We were out every day seeing friends and family, baby groups, out and about. I was with dd 24 hours a day so plenty of time for bonding. I would have struggled being so isolated - I'm sociable and like being around people. If that's your personality it doesn't change just because you've had a baby.

I hope restrictions start to lift soon and the better weather comes with spring and you start to enjoy yourself more.

Op, you're doing amazing in a pretty shitty situation. I had my 1st baby 5 months ago and it's been really hard - he had colic, reflux, was admitted to hospital for failure to thrive and then had to have an operation at 10 weeks so mat leave hasn't really been how I envisaged it either. I've been going out a few times a week to walk but it really is monotonous, I'm actually looking forward to going back to work now! The one thing which has really helped has been reclaiming my evenings; after baby recovered from the op it was clear he was finding being downstairs with us a distraction and so we ended up putting him upstairs and watching him on the monitor. He's happier and so are we - though daytime naps are a joke as he'll only sleep on me so I feel your pain.
Anyway, sending hugs to you, everyone tells you it gets easier but at the time you don't believe it - however, it really does and then you'll hopefully be able to enjoy this time a bit more

My baby is coming up to 4 months now and I hear you. I too don't have a support bubble or friends local enough to meet with so I'm waiting for DP to get home from work, by which time he's all talked out and ready to wind down and relax, whereas I want to talk to someone who can actually answer for themselves (opposed to me having conversations with the dogs/baby and answering for them....they all have their own voice - is this weird? Have I gone mad?

The most exciting part of my day (after loose women) is getting out for a walk for a few hours but with a reactive dog yanking the pram everywhere it's not exactly relaxing or enjoyable. Can't relax with baby in her carrier when she's wearing a pram suit either - is she comfy? Can she breathe? Would she be okay without a pram suit? Too many anxieties around it so we manage with the pram.....other than rolling through dog shit on 9/10 walks but that's a post for the local Facebook groups.

Roll on summer time so I can sit in the garden and listen to the neighbour to the right rev the engine of whatever shit heap of a "classic" sports car he's doing up this year (it's a Subaru, I can see it sat waiting in his garden and it's making me rage already), and neighbour to the left revving his Harley Davidson which he's bought this winter.......oh and I think neighbour behind is finally starting the extension/renovation he got planning permission for 2 years ago ....... fuming.

Hoping restrictions will be relaxed by summer otherwise I will go do-lally stuck in this house/garden and probably have a break down, I feel on the verge of it some days already. Doing the same thing day in day out is really starting to get me down.

Its not what I hoped for to say the least.

Oh I have just seen you say you are considering zoom classes.....if yours are anything like the one I signed up for don't bother (I actually signed up for real life classes but then lockdown 3 hit and they got moved online with no reduction in price)

The sound was flaky, no opportunity to speak to other mums (which is really why I signed up, let's face it, baby doesn't have a clue what's going on or really care) so it was just watching some batshit crazy baby sensory woman singing and signing away to a doll that she would apologise to and Stoke/rock.

I joined two classes out for the 5 I paid for (baby slept through both) but left the second one half way through when she told us (very seriously) that we must always respect our babies and ask them if we can undress them before we do so.......asif my baby can understand, and asif she's going to have the choice when she does, if her nappy needs doing or she needs to get dressed, she'll be getting dressed....she has no choice.

People wonder where we're going wrong with the entitled youth of today....

@luckyinblue There are online classes for things like baby massage or baby yoga. My DD was 3 months old at the start of lockdown and found online classes helped break up my week! I even still joined in with 1 class when DD was asleep

If you are on a Facebook page for your local area, you could start a "buggy buddy" post? You can go for a socially distanced walk with another mum in a similar situation to you and have some adult conversation. We had such a post on our local Facebook group and now there are 20 of us on a WhatsApp group with babies and children of various ages. And if you fancy an afternoon walk, pop a message on in the morning and their will probably be someone else who needs to get out of the house too. We even had a zoom meet and greet with wine! (Fully appreciate not everyone would fancy that though)

I know "walking is your idea of hell" but it's all we have at the moment to be able to meet up with others. Some of us on the group were even saying that we'd kill to go to a soft play! And I never thought I'd say that!

@pickingausernameishard

Yoshinori Fri 12-Feb-21 20:43:45 notalwaysalondoner

I’m due in July and so terrified that this will happen to me too.

My sister is a highly qualified top end maternity nanny and I asked her about this the other day, it’s fine to have them in another room when they’re napping or for a few hours before you go to bed, the data is that the long night sleeps are where SIDS incidents seem to happen. I mean if you want to make your life harder to be extra careful and literally never be in a different room to your baby fair enough, but it is a choice. I’d rather follow a professional’s advice than the confusing advice and hysteria on the internet.

Ah yes a nanny.

At the end of the day, the recommend advice is not to.

Each parent can make a decision on balance based on what is best for them but it’s definitely not hysteria !

I know who I would listen to, a TRAINED maternity nanny... or something I found on the web....

it’s fine to have them in another room when they’re napping or for a few hours before you go to bed, the data is that the long night sleeps are where SIDS incidents seem to happen.

Why do you keep insisting it’s something people ‘found on the web’. It’s both the nhs and the lullaby trust - which yes I’d trust over someone’s sister no matter how much nanny training she’s done.

This is a room thermometer my hospital gave me when I left after having my daughter. It’s not some crazy conspiracy I found on the internet. Point 2 on the back - babies should sleep in the same room as a parent carer for every sleep episode day and night for the first 6 months.

It’s also printed in the information pack they gave me but I can’t be arsed digging that out now.

I’m sorry for the derail OP. It just pisses me off that you’re following safe sleep advice and ITS WORKING FOR YOU but you get post after post of people saying you should change it and rolling their eyes like you’re being super precious not leaving your 8 week old baby to sleep alone.

The poster who is pregnant at the moment - sincerely good luck with your plans for your baby’s sleep. I’m pretty sure I had no intention of being where we are 6 months down the line either, but the thing is some babies don’t actually care what your expert sister, or Gina Ford or any of the books say and will not sleep away from their mum/ parents however much you expect them to. And some mums are ok with that and they’re allowed to be ok with that AND STILL find being a new mum in lockdown hard.

I can't believe how unsympathetic this thread is!! OP has an 8 week old baby and someone has suggested sleep training?!? That is completely irresponsible and damaging advice.

OP your experience and feelings are completely valid and sometimes you just need someone to acknowledge how bloody tough it can be with a tiny baby - especially in a global pandemic !!!

You aren't alone in feeling the way you do

www.bestbeginnings.org.uk/news/the-babies-in-lockdown-report

Put you baby in a Moses basket/carrycot/ just hold them in the living room. I didn't ever put mine down until we wanted to go to bed.

Ps I moved long distance, think 10 hours on a plane, so knew nobody but exh when mine eldest was a baby, no classes etc as didn't know how to book etc. (No internet) it's lonely I get it but I took long walks and got chatting to others with babies in parks, over 3 months or so I started to make friends

I think OP is tired and ready for sleep when the baby is which isn't the problem, I think it's the long / lonely days which understandably is hard without any change of scene