To really wish I hadn’t had a baby during lockdown?

[luckyinblue]

Of course I couldn’t have foreseen it and at any rate at my age couldn’t really wait to TTC but it is rubbish.

I am on my own with baby from waking (about 7am) to DH finishing work (6ish) and then maybe an hour before have to get the baby into bed and stay with him. So about an hour of adult interaction every day.

I am finding myself dreading the days because I just don’t know what to do with them and I really didn’t ever think maternity leave would be this lonely or miserable.

I cried the day I went back to work because my maternity leave hadn't been what I'd hoped for.
My baby is almost 8 months and wasn't planned but we were so happy but I do feel robbed. I'm 40 with two teenagers and won't get to do this again.
Looking for positives at least I have had time to build a good relationship with my son and really spend quality time together. It is lonely though. I'm only doing 3 days a week, half days and sometimes the days seem so long.
I haven't taken him for a walk since Tuesday as it's been so bloody cold and it feels like the walls are closing in.
I do put him to bed in the evening and leave him to sleep. When he was younger he'd go to sleep downstairs in his Moses basket so we could still chat and watch TV. Or get your husband to come up with you.

Maternity leave pre-covid was boring and lonely for me too. All my friends and family worked during the day, everyone seemed to be very cliquey in the baby groups and they actually made me feel worse. Not to mention that I had a baby who would only sleep if she was being cuddled!

I do recommend that you teach your husband how to settle his baby though. You're creating a rod for your own back by doing it all yourself.

A huge % do find normal maternity leave mind numbingly boring tbh. That's why so many return to work early and sooner than a year. Definitely google on line meet ups with others similar to you. Not perfect but some thing at least? Zoom any family and friends you can during the day. Find a box set to watch in the day time.
I've seen baby yoga etc on line too...
I hate life by zoom.. my DC are older and it's grim loving life on zoom but better than nothing

@IceCreamAndCandyFloss have my first ever

I can’t really watch box sets. I’ve been trying and failing to watch some channel 4 thing since last Tuesday.

OP I feel for you. I am just waiting for our baby to arrive any day now. We couldn't want to TTC as, due to my age and previous pregnancy loss, it seemed like possibly our last chance. I haven't minded mat leave so far, but then haven't had my little person to look after!

I am sure this has already been said, but could you form a support bubble with someone (eligible as you have an under one in the house) or at least meet a friend for a walk (your baby won't count towards the numbers as under 5 as I am sure you know). If you don't know anyone locally could you link in with some local mums with new babies you could go for walks with on line? My health visitors told me that our local children's centre has moved all of their baby groups online, with the aim for people to meet and keep in touch until we can meet in person again, you might have something similar locally. If you are feeling really rubbish and lonely I would recommend reaching out to your health visitor about the way you are feeling. Take care xx

OP I’m sorry I’m a lockdown mat leave mum too and it’s shit shit shit. Gutted this is my second and lad and it’s wasted. Feel so sad for the babies. Crap times. Sending love

I got strangely addicted to crap day time TV when on mat leave in winter twice. Homes under the hammer, people emigrating etc
Tiny babies aren't great company

Aw OP x sounds really tough. Baby days are hard enough anyway without all this pish. Hang in there, spring is coming xx

@bombaychef

I got strangely addicted to crap day time TV when on mat leave in winter twice. Homes under the hammer, people emigrating etc Tiny babies aren't great company

I used to watch Gordon Ramsey's kirchen nightmares. I do wonder why my DD is so angry 😆

Looking back on it now, my first mat leave pre covid was horrible. I was so lonely then too, but admittedly not as lonely as I am now. I went back to work 2 months early because I was so miserable. I think maternity leave is difficult for some people no matter what. I know I need work (I am a teacher). I am just transferring that need to my poor toddler DD. She isnt the slightest bit interested 😂

Ahh I remember when I had DD2. I had such visions of spending mat leave walking with DD1, pushing a sleeping squishy newborn in the pram, arts and crafts, baking...we’d get all that time together to do lovely things.

Nope. From day one, DD2 didn’t nap for shit. Ten minute stints of a light doze on me. And could not bear to be put down in case she missed something. She’s three now and she’s the damn exact same. Nosey as pie and my wild one.

She went through the night from very early on though, so every cloud...

OP, sending you all the sympathies- being a FTM to a newborn in a pandemic is SHIT!!
I've got an almost 5 month old, and still come up to bed with him every night between 8pm and 9pm and have no intentions of changing that anytime soon. The NHS advice has been repeated earlier many a time, and no highly qualified nanny or otherwise is going to make me do otherwise.

Hang in there. Spring is round the corner and everything will seem easier, I promise.

I think some of the responses on here have been harsh.

I've had my 3rd baby during lockdown (june) and its definitely a lot tougher, longer and more miserable this time. Obviously, it's because of covid and there are people dying, everyone is struggling in someway etc but my goodness you're allowed to feel how you feel! People are always going to have it worse than others, but this situation is miserable and you're allowed to feel disappointed and shortchanged about it. Its pretty shit and it's OK to feel shit about it.

It's really shit, it is.

I don't know about the area you live in but round here there are still some baby groups happening. They count as support groups. Worth looking into?

Yoshinori Fri 12-Feb-21 20:43:45
notalwaysalondoner

I’m due in July and so terrified that this will happen to me too.

My sister is a highly qualified top end maternity nanny and I asked her about this the other day, it’s fine to have them in another room when they’re napping or for a few hours before you go to bed, the data is that the long night sleeps are where SIDS incidents seem to happen. I mean if you want to make your life harder to be extra careful and literally never be in a different room to your baby fair enough, but it is a choice. I’d rather follow a professional’s advice than the confusing advice and hysteria on the internet.

Ah yes a nanny.

At the end of the day, the recommend advice is not to.

Each parent can make a decision on balance based on what is best for them but it’s definitely not hysteria !

I know who I would listen to, a TRAINED maternity nanny... or something I found on the web....

it’s fine to have them in another room when they’re napping or for a few hours before you go to bed, the data is that the long night sleeps are where SIDS incidents seem to happen.

One more thing. You say you don't have anyone to bubble with but I wonder if you might have a friend who thinks the same?

It doesn't have to be long term - you could say to a friend, look I'm pretty bored, can we bubble for a fortnight so we can both have some company over the next few weeks.

You might only see each other once a week but you can be in each other's houses in the warm having a coffee.

I sympathise. But in way, this is the best time to have a baby. The first year is Groundhog Day anyway. You are stuck to their feeding and napping times. At least by the time lockdown lifts your DBaby will be old enough to join mother and toddler groups, baby music/baby yoga/any of those excuses for parents to meet up and have brief adult conversations between baby care.

We got a TV in the bedroom because of this. Wed have dinner then go up to bed with the baby and stick on very light shows that didnt need concentration, like my family, arrested development, superstore, the office.

I feel so sorry for any first time mums during the pandemic. It's hard enough as it is without not having the opportunity to meet up with other new parents/family. AS others have suggested, you are allowed to meet up with one other person so please, make sure you do this so that you get some adult interaction during the day. When I had my first my husband took one day off a week as annual leave to help when things got really difficult (I massively struggled with first time parenthood) and that helped alot. Could your other half do something similar so you at least have one day a week or every other week when you know you have suport and some adult interaction?

The first year is really tough. As mums we are really not told how tough it is going to be. Our body changes and we get no sleep. With Covid it is really tough. But posters are only trying to help. What would you like to happen Op? Would you like us to suggest anything?

[quote Quarks69]@SinkGirl. I like to check sources and nowhere does it say that parents should be with their babies while they sleep. What it does say is that babies should have their cots in parents bedrooms for six months. That’s not the same at all.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/reduce-the-risk-of-sudden-infant-death-syndrome/

op I do fully sympathise, I just get cross if you are being badly advised with incorrect Medical info. The only thing I can suggest is a good tv series. I watched all the back episodes of ER hankering after Noah wotsit the gorgeous lead.[/quote]
The advice is that your baby should be placed to sleep in the same room as you even during the day for the first six months.

What safety benefits would be conferred by putting a baby down to sleep in a cot in your room if you aren’t in there? That makes no sense at all.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/room-sharing/

This has been the advice at least since I had my twins over 4 years ago, and I’m sure for significantly longer than that.

You really do not need to stay with the baby while they sleep all night.
Put the baby down for the night, get a baby monitor and go downstairs. You can pop up and check every so often as well.

I think tbh that anyone who is not working is very bored and miserable at home all day whether they have a baby or not. I think people are focusing on the evening as this is your opportunity to spend time with another adult. I do however get the being so tired that you would rather go to bed. I think you need to force yourself out for a walk even if you would rather not. Get some headphones and listen to a drama or an audio book or podcast while you walk. Give your dh some time alone with the baby in the evening while you have a bath, read or watch some trash TV.

Its a tough adjustment with a new baby even without lockdown. Both exhausting and repetitive and often lacking much human interaction.

It does get better and it does help to make yourself go out for a bit each day if only to break up the tedium (which in itself is tiring). Dont think twice about going to bed whenever it suits you .

It can be worth making a list of all the things to try both for getting babies to sleep and for alleviating the tedium and tiredness. Take online classes, discussion groups if you can and don't worry about the baby disturbing them - you can just mute and rejoin later. Odds are most of the items on the list won't work but by the time you have tried them all the days will be longer, the baby will be a few weeks more settled and you might find something which helps!

@luckyinblue I feel you, it's a real bag of crap isn't it? I mean I ABSOLUTELY know that it's bad for everyone, and I'm not saying that people on maternity with lockdown babies have it the worst by any means, but just because everyone has a shit sandwich doesn't make my shit sandwich and easier to eat 😬😬😬

I don't know about you but I definitely go through cycles of feeling actually quite positive, isn't it great to have this time to just bond with baby, etc etc, and then days where I feel very sorry for myself and the thoughts of weeks and weeks more of going for yet another fucking walk makes me want to scream. I think it's very normal and lots of people are feeling that way so it's just about riding it out and making the most of the good days. My baby is 6 months now and one of the things that I have found is that at least with a baby things change from one week to the next- you'll be amazed at the difference in your routine, sleep, energy levels etc even between 8 weeks and 12 weeks so just take it day by day and do your best.

I had visions of a maternity leave filled with long weekends with family, lunches with friends, coffee and play dates with NCT mums, baby cinema, baby stand up comedy, baby massage etc. Trudging around the local common on my todd with the baby, in the sleet and rain isn't quite the scene I had pictured.

I fully understand that everyone has lots of challenges to face right now, but that does include first time mums too, so OP is allowed to feel a bit down about it!