To really wish I hadn’t had a baby during lockdown?

[luckyinblue]

Of course I couldn’t have foreseen it and at any rate at my age couldn’t really wait to TTC but it is rubbish.

I am on my own with baby from waking (about 7am) to DH finishing work (6ish) and then maybe an hour before have to get the baby into bed and stay with him. So about an hour of adult interaction every day.

I am finding myself dreading the days because I just don’t know what to do with them and I really didn’t ever think maternity leave would be this lonely or miserable.

YANBU - babies are tough, lockdown is tough, baby and lockdown together is insanely rubbish. My youngest was 4 months when we went into lockdown and I can tell you that maternity leave out of lockdown is a million times more joyful. I need adult interaction for my mental health and baby groups were my absolute lifeline.

I am also very thankful that this baby is not my first meaning that I already have a good network of local mum friends, and seeing them for socially distanced walks has made this lockdown almost bearable.

Also I’m lucky to have a husband and lodger both working at home and I insist we all eat lunch together every single day (followed by coffee) and that hour of adult company gets me through the day.

Sorry OP that you’re going through this. It really really sucks. I really feel for anyone who’s had their first baby in lockdown. It’s rubbish.

@Quarks69

I know bringing up babies is subject to all sorts of fads, but when did it suddenly demand mums to be with them 24/7. Wherever you read that, bin the book. Babies have been left to sleep in their cots for 100s of years whilst mum eats sleeps and gets a break. If you are that worried get a visual baby monitor.

How on earth did my 18 and 20 year old survive!!!

Sorry, it is all NHS advice we should throw away, or just the bits you don’t agree with?

Out of interest, what was the infant mortality rate 100 years ago in the U.K. and what is it now, since you’re such an expert?

Oh and I find aimlessly walking around in the park (which I have to do every day to get the baby to nap) SOUL DESTROYING.

Whilst I do think a lot of people are having a shit time being a first time mum in the middle of a lock down must be very hard! I feel for you!

I am the parent that puts son to sleep and most of the childcare. Your are burned out and bored at the same time with the same everyday cycle. Can defo relate.

Can only advise that a little walk each day can give me a kick up the butt. Understand it's even too cold for me this past week. Are there any online baby groups you could join on, I've seen things advertised. Something different.

What about doing something for yourself each day? A short course, read a new book, exercise?

Unfortunately not much going on for the babies and toddlers atm but let's pray lockdown eased soon so we can get back into the soft play and baby groups x

YANBU, it should be a brilliant time and it’s just not because of all this. How long are you having? Let’s hope some normality returns soon (when it’s safe).

No advice in particular but lots of sympathy and hugs for you for having to do this in lockdown.

Only in MN does everyone hate baby groups and NCT and complain they are full of cliques and mums showing off. In reality, I had an absolutely wonderful mat leave and my NCT group are my closest friends. Seeing them was the absolute highlight of my week and 4 years on, rarely a day goes by without us speaking. Our friendship is this great because we were lucky enough to be able to meet freely throughout our maternity so I completely understand why you feel trapped and lonely. I also see why you are grieving for missing out on all that too.

As far as your routine goes, do what works for you. Nothing more frustrating than people thinking they know better when they haven't walked a mile in your shoes

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Have a friend who complains at every opportunity how hard it is to have a baby right now but conceived when covid was known about but decided to go ahead anyway but that fact seems to have slipped her mind.

Maternity leave is for bonding with baby and having time to spend with them. Wrap up warm and go for a walk, take advantage of naps and do something you enjoy and get a better evening routine.

Interested to see where your precise definition of maternity leave comes from, @IceCreamAndCandyfloss.

OP - I feel for you x

OP (and anyone else too) if you look on Facebook there is a group called Beautiful New Beginnings online baby classes. They’re a charity based in Liverpool but they got funding in the first lockdown to do the classes online and there’s mums in the group from all over the country now. There’s something every week day, they’re pretty good as these things go (I’ve done a variety of paid and free classes!) and they’re free if you do them live. One of the days the session is a ‘virtual coffee morning’ where you can just chat to other mums but I haven’t tried that. The others are things like tummy time, baby yoga, sing and sign, baby massage etc. They also do really useful sessions on things like first aid, weaning etc.

Like I said it’s free if you do the classes ‘live’ or you can pay £5 to be able to access that week’s classes at any convenient time.

It’s not a cure all - about 80% of the time the classes don’t work for us as they will be right when dd has finally decided to nap, or just after a feed so not a good time to be doing tummy time or whatever. But they do help a bit.

My local area has a new mums Facebook page too, might be worth searching on that.

We had one group that did keep going as a support group through the autumn and up to Christmas but has stopped again now, but we have a WhatsApp and do occasional zoom calls too. There might be things like that going - they’re generally the ones attached to churches I’ve found.

My baby is not one of these magic babies that other people talk about that I can just ‘put down’ and leave. She’s 6 months now and it’s only in the last few weeks I’ve been able to put her down AT ALL at any point of the day (thank god for slings) but even now if I leave her sight for a second she screams, she will only nap on me and she won’t sleep unless I’m in the room. When she was younger she slept downstairs with us (or more usually with my husband whilst I desperately tried to catch up on sleep) but these days she wants a 7.30 bedtime but also wants me to be next to her. I’ve tried lots of things to change it but what I’m not prepared to do is leave her to cry so there we are. A hundred different posters could tell me how they did it differently but it won’t change the fact that this is how my baby is, and so me going to bed with her works best for now. Do what works best for you and your baby - ignore anyone telling you you’re making a rod for your own back or any of that nonsense.

You’re doing great. This IS really hard and unnatural. It is harder in lockdown (we had a brief spell when things were open, I did every class going including swimming during that brief time - it made the world of difference and it all closing again broke me a little bit). You’re totally entitled to be sad that your maternity leave isn’t what you’d hoped for. I completely hear you when you say getting through the day is a struggle at the moment and I empathise.

Sorry you're feeling so low, OP, it's not surprising given the weird circumstances we find ourselves in, you're doing good (even if you feel like you're not!). There's always a bit of one up manship on MN ("you've got a headache? I've got a brain tumour! Etc. Etc.) but I don't think that everyone here who has commented on how hard mat leave is at the best of times is telling you to count your blessings or get over yourself, they're asking you to give yourself a break. If I can throw my own hat into the ring, I think I have a bit of a rose-tinted view of my baby's first year but actually there were some really low moments and my husband has just reminded me that every night he came some I used to be in a big mood from being alone all day...!! Anyway, the evening routine sounds like it works for you now so keep at it, remember it won't last forever. As for people suggesting day time activities, yes by all means put yourself out there and try to meet new mums if you can, there'll be other mums out there like you. All in all, I really believe things will look and feel better come spring. Xx

Maternity leave is what you make of it. My baby is 4 months. Other than the odd baby class and coffee with mums from said baby class who I may or may not have much In common with, I don't think I am missing out on much. I love long walks with my baby, I love reading while he naps, playing music and dancing him around the room, playing with him on the floor. I've taken up a few hobbies, embroidery, teaching myself music theory. I plop him in his bouncer and bake or watch TV.

I imagine most women's maternity leave is spent indoors regardless of the pandemic.

I have a 14 week old, I ve found Facebook support groups with mums with babies a similar age to be wonderful to talk to, see if you can find one.

Ps. Download the app mush. You can talk to other mums, some local to you.

Sorry, it is all NHS advice we should throw away, or just the bits you don’t agree with?

Out of interest, what was the infant mortality rate 100 years ago in the U.K. and what is it now, since you’re such an expert?

Ha we are talking the year 2000 here. Seriously, I am shocked, so would anyone of my friends who have teenage children. Please tell me what the nhs says...is it really that you have to stay with them 24/7? Am really intrigued now.

I'm in a similar situation, OP. Really craving adult interaction and just a break from the monotony. Half the time can't face the same walk around the local park yet again, and my baby will not happily join in with any of the online classes... you are not alone!

It’s really reassuring to hear of other bad sleepers, not that I wish this on anybody but you know what I mean!

@notalwaysalondoner

I’m due in July and so terrified that this will happen to me too.

My sister is a highly qualified top end maternity nanny and I asked her about this the other day, it’s fine to have them in another room when they’re napping or for a few hours before you go to bed, the data is that the long night sleeps are where SIDS incidents seem to happen. I mean if you want to make your life harder to be extra careful and literally never be in a different room to your baby fair enough, but it is a choice. I’d rather follow a professional’s advice than the confusing advice and hysteria on the internet.

Ah yes a nanny.

At the end of the day, the recommend advice is not to.

Each parent can make a decision on balance based on what is best for them but it’s definitely not hysteria !

@Nunoftheother on the flip side (because pros and cons to everything!) being with a toddler/ baby instead of living alone means I can’t read a book or immerse myself in a good film/ puzzle/ hobby during the day. So my mind is pretty much turning to mush. My daughter can say a few words but for a while all she did was meow at the cat...really stimulating as you can imagine! But of course living alone during this time must be very isolating so my situation is better or worse than yours...just different.

@luckyinblue I don't know why you're getting such a hard time. Having a tiny baby is lonely at the best of times. It's fucking hard!

I don't have any advice, my ds was 12 weeks when the first lockdown started so my maternity leave was mostly spent alone with a baby and a 4/5yo while dh worked. I had no time at all, and like you went to bed with the baby. Online baby groups were shit, zoom calls are cringe and endless walking is torture. I missed human interaction, conversation and things to look forward to!

We plan our maternity leave, what it will be like, the things we'll do and it's ok to feel sad that's been taken away. It's ok to feel lonely or to struggle and it's not a race to the bottom of who has it worse. Ffs women need to stand together and raise each other up!

@luckyinblue I’m completely with you on this. I got pregnant just before all this started last year - I’ve not enjoyed my maternity leave at all and feel terrible for saying that as I know how lucky I am.
The days are long, my baby is 11 weeks old and also like yours will not nap in the day without a massive struggle.
Just have to keep reminding ourselves that it’s not forever 🤗

Bless you @luckyinblue. Must be hard. Dd is nearly 4 but I rem those early weeks and obv saw friends , went to groups etc

To be on own all day must be lonely

You are allowed to bubble with someone as you hAve a child under 1

Have you joined you local fb page. Can meet mums there and chat

As warmer weather happens then meet for walks

Think some baby groups are open to help new mums meet - ask your hv or google bsby clinics

You can leave baby upstairs with a sleep monitor

I like angels

You say he doesn’t sleep much daytime

If you want some advice /routine then please message me. I’m a maternity nurse

And congrats to being a mummy

In my area people have organised virtual baby groups to meet others in same boat. I've seen people out walking and obviously have just met up as you hear them talking and similar age babies. Could you start some thing like that. Tbh I do think you'd be less bored if you had some adult evening time. You and your OH may end up as strangers at this rate? Ask him to do the bedtime one day in the week etc?

@SinkGirl. I like to check sources and nowhere does it say that parents should be with their babies while they sleep. What it does say is that babies should have their cots in parents bedrooms for six months. That’s not the same at all.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/reduce-the-risk-of-sudden-infant-death-syndrome/

op I do fully sympathise, I just get cross if you are being badly advised with incorrect Medical info. The only thing I can suggest is a good tv series. I watched all the back episodes of ER hankering after Noah wotsit the gorgeous lead.

I’ve had two babies, one a few years before lockdown and one three months old when we went into lockdown.

My eldest had colic, would scream non-stop for hours every evening as a newborn, a few times a week would scream till he held his breath, turned blue, went limp and fainted for a few seconds. But on his maternity leave I could go places and meet people. It wasn’t so bad.

Now I have them both in lockdown and it feels impossible. I could cope if my eldest could go back to school, if I had playgroups, libraries, cafes, people to meet up with. I can’t even go for a freezing walk in the rain anymore as my youngest has to isolate for ten days. Yes maternity leave was hard pre-Covid, but in my experience anyway it wasn’t THIS hard.

Hopefully spring is on the way though and maybe we will get some good news on the 22nd x

Really feel for you OP. I’ve thought to myself loads of times how hard it must be for mums with new babies. Don’t let the negativity on here bring you down.