Can men do the washing?

[GrannyBags]

This may seem like a small thing as DH is generally not too bad with household things but he will not load the washing machine. This morning he pointed out that the pile has built up a bit. We are all getting over Covid - he was in hospital to be fair, but he has never done the washing since we have been together. I’ve been washing all day and am feeling resentful. I asked our 12 year old DS to put his washing in with me and he questioned why he had to if DH didn’t. I said that’s because I was raising him not Nanny and he was fine with that! My MIL did all the ‘woman’s work’ and is very po faced if I suggest DH should do any chores. Is there any hope for him? Am I right to be fed up with this?

I agree Crankley

I'm also wondering how you've "been doing washing all day" - seems a bit extreme.

I also don't see a problem with one person doing a particular job, if the other person is pulling their weight doing different jobs.

I remember my lodger, when I first bought my first property being amazed that I was happy to wash up / clean up every evening if she cooked me a lovely meal. I hate cooking, and she enjoys it, so we both felt we'd fallen on our feet . No law to say both partners both need to do half of each job.

@rwalker TBH it's easier to do it yourself DS(19) will sort of do his own but by the time you have answered loads of question why goes in with what. Different temp and straightening everything out properly and he's not being awkward it's less stressful to do it yourself.

How else is he supposed to learn if he doesn't ask?! Better that than everything going in at 60 and ending up with a very grey shrunken load of clothes.

Sort out the washing, one pile for him, one pile for everyone else. Then forget about his pile. He's complaining that the pile was too big: now it will be smaller! Unless what he was actually saying was 'Do my washing, woman.'

@Crankley

I don't understand threads like this. A man and woman decide to marry/live together and then countless years later, usually after having child/ren, the woman suddenly decides to create a thread moaning about her OH's inability/unwillingness/professional incompetence to do what adults of both sexes are fully capable of doing, ie housework, washing++.

She has been his enabler through all the years, obviously having never discussed how they would share the workload from the beginning.

Is the expectation that the man will immediately morph into a fully fledged adult because the woman has got bored after years of doing it all? What are the odds?

With my ex, pre-dc I just hadn't noticed how much he was slacking around the house. I am naturally a tidy/clean person and did things as I went along, so I hadn't realised how much he wasn't doing until I was too busy with the baby and sleep deprived to do as much as before.

As soon as I realised how behind we were getting with housework, and that I was struggling to keep on top of things, I suggested we make a cleaning rota. He blew his lid at what I thought was a reasonable suggestion, culminating in him calling me a "fucking cunt". I wish I'd left him on the spot.

Eventually I stopped doing laundry and stopped cooking for my ex. All our clothes went in the same laundry basket, but I started picking his out and only washing mine and dd's. It may sound petty but he barely lifted a finger around the house and I was sick of it. He resorted to buying new clothes rather than washing what he owned. I know he does laundry for himself now... He tells me pretty much every time he puts a wash on. I think I'm supposed to be impressed.

I live with 3 teens and laundry is one of the chores that they are happy to do because it's so easy compared to most of the others and they benefit from clothes being washed.

@BaggoMcoys So glad you left him! He called you a fucking cunt for not picking after him.

Why are you with a man like this? Honestly.

My dh does probably 90% of the washing and drying but he is terrible at sorting/folding etc.

His mum did everything for him except put his clothes away. When we moved in together my mil asked me to make sure his work shirts are kept looking nice. I said I'm sure he will. She said 'do you not want him to look nice'. I told her it was up to him and if he wanted to look nice he would make sure his clothes are washed.

Until we had kids we were pretty even in housework then I had two lots of year long mat leave followed by 6 years being part time and the split became more unequal. Since going back full time 5 years ago it's slowly gone the other way and he probably does more than me.

My dh does all the washing in our house. I would tell him if it'd run out of pants for example.
We just have gotten into the habit of me doing set house things (cooking, cleaning kitchen and bathroom) and him doing different set things (laundry, bins, vacuuming).
That's pretty normal isn't it?

I picked YABU but my DH doesn't do the washing either! he will put them in but not turn it on or when it finishes he will turn it off but not unload. But he does do all the cooking and shares the rest of the house work so it all balances out for us. Does your DH do any other household chores?

My DH has done nearly all the laundry since the day he criticise the way I did it once too often. I dropped the basket at his feet and told him if he was such an expert he'd better be in charge of laundry from now on. That was 12 years ago and I still can't quite believe that it worked!

[quote Cadent]@BaggoMcoys So glad you left him! He called you a fucking cunt for not picking after him.[/quote]
@Cadent thank you that made me well up for some reason. Leaving him is the best decision I've made in my life so far and my only regret is not doing it sooner!

It must have been a huge relief @BaggoMcoys!

You deserve much better.

My deliberately clueless DH would rather (in theory) spend hours ironing his grey crap than sort and hang out to dry properly. He doesn't even know how to use the machine. Or the tumble for that matter. Luckily we have measures in place to prevent this.

During the first lockdown when we couldn't have our usual, amazing housekeeping support, the DH actually declared he was ready to learn. Well that lasted all of 2 cycles before he couldn't fathom how to use the bloody machines. Yeah....right.

My DC will be learning precisely how to work the machines, to separate all colours and fabrics, and do the bloody washing!!

Yes my DH is great bless him, but I wish he wouldn’t bother, he’ll put random summer things on in winter and vice versa, also does random things like washes all pyjama bottoms and no tops. He hangs things out on hangers tho which I can never be bothered to do.

I always marvel at these threads about how it started - was there a conversation when you first moved in together when he explained he'd been sending out his laundry to someone to do it all for him, or did he ask if you'd do it for him, explaining he wasn't able, or did he just ask id you'd do all the washing as he couldn't or did you volunteer? How did that first conversation go?!

Its like the woman who buy all their dhs socks and pants, I can't help feeling id be angry if DH took it upon himself to throw out my scraggy but comfy pants...

@BillMasen

As another poster mentioned this, I suppose everyone on here checks their oil in the car and does their fair share of diy and bin taking out?...

Why the snark? Why mention bins at all - a 5 min task once a week? If he ever truly does half the load I’ll happily do bins? Why mention cars without saying all else being equal? How often do you service a car anyway? Do you really think it takes more time than taking dc to the doctor and doing everything else for them and making sure they have clean clothes? How do you think diy gets done with dc underfoot? (It doesn’t, that would be dangerous. If he’s doing diy I did the design and now I’m watching the dc, not lounging around with cocktails). He took one dc to the doctor yesterday. They saw him outside due to COVID, so after they email me prescriptions and phone me at work to pay for the appt (not uk). Why pick one thing and say to the women here HA! But you dont do this, do you?! GOTCHA!

And if you were going to do this, why pick something that’s only occasional ie car services, or 5 minutes a week or bins, or optional ie diy.

Write the instructions in a piece of paper and tape it to the machine

Isn't it interesting though, how few men operate the washing machine at home on a regular basis, but how many appliance engineers are men?
Who would have thought that penis-owners could invent, manufacture and repair such machines, but be unable to shove some clothes inside them on a regular basis and then switch them on?

@BillMasen "As another poster mentioned this, I suppose everyone on here checks their oil in the car and does their fair share of diy and bin taking out?..."

Yep. I do all of that. Dh phoned me at work once to ask me how to open the bonnet on his car.
His job is all food shopping and cooking, plus the Saturday kitchen deep-clean and most dog-walking.

Isn't it interesting though, how few men operate the washing machine at home on a regular basis, but how many appliance engineers are men?
Who would have thought that penis-owners could invent, manufacture and repair such machines, but be unable to shove some clothes inside them on a regular basis and then switch them on?

But that is how some families work.
I have never known my OH to use the washing machine.
But we share work, and it feels fair.

When I went back to work FT after a period of very PT, I decided I wasn't standing for DH "helping" and that we would each have our own jobs where we bore all the responsibility. Laundry was one of DH's. For 15 years, if I didn't have a clean shirt for work it was DH's job to fix it (and I think it only happened once).

YANBU. We have three boys and I am trying my best to reach them all to cook, clean and run laundry. I break down reluctance by occasionally shouting ‘I do not operate the oven/washing machine/hoover with my VAGINA’