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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can men do the washing?

179 replies

GrannyBags · 12/02/2021 12:45

This may seem like a small thing as DH is generally not too bad with household things but he will not load the washing machine. This morning he pointed out that the pile has built up a bit. We are all getting over Covid - he was in hospital to be fair, but he has never done the washing since we have been together. I’ve been washing all day and am feeling resentful. I asked our 12 year old DS to put his washing in with me and he questioned why he had to if DH didn’t. I said that’s because I was raising him not Nanny and he was fine with that! My MIL did all the ‘woman’s work’ and is very po faced if I suggest DH should do any chores. Is there any hope for him? Am I right to be fed up with this?

OP posts:
TheyIsMyFamily · 12/02/2021 13:19

Stop washing his clothes.

Wait for him to notice.

Explain the issue.

Kanaloa · 12/02/2021 13:19

How has this never come up in 12 years? Of course men can do washing, otherwise how do you think single/gay men manage? Does he also struggle with the cooker, hoover and mop?

FraughtwithGin · 12/02/2021 13:20

All the men I know can sort washing and operate a washing machine. Some even iron!
The vast majority are good cooks, too!

Username12353784 · 12/02/2021 13:23

Dp is the same. He’s great otherwise, he cooks and runs around after dc, bathed and outs them tj bed with no issue but household chores and laundry are not his thing! He will put the bins out and do diy things but cleaning & laundry no!! He says it’s because he doesn’t have chance because I do it. But honestly we’ve lived together for 6-7 years and I’m not sure he’s ever done a load of laundry. Maybe once when one of the dc were sick when I was out shopping! He did do it before I moved in with In BUT he would mix all sorts together and never dried it properly! 😭

Sometimes I think it’s because his mum never made him do it whilst could be a possibility as his siblings are all the same! They do bugger all around the house (they live at home with her) BUT my mum never really asked or expected me to do much growing up and I turned out fine. Had no choice as I moved out at 18 in my own flat 🤣

Parky04 · 12/02/2021 13:26

Yes, I can load the machine, turn it on (always on number 2 though!), unload it, and even iron it, and no I don't want a blue Peter badge!!

GrapefruitGin · 12/02/2021 13:27

Oh god, I don’t have the time to do all the washing myself. We both do it, we both do a bit of everything although we do have some jobs that we each prefer and tend to stick to for example he does the bins/recycling and I’ll dust/polish more often but generally we both do what needs to be done whenever it needs to be done. I couldn’t deal with someone who thought it was my duty to do a certain job within the household.

VettiyaIruken · 12/02/2021 13:27

He may be one of the faulty batches where the testicles inflate like airbags when a washing machine is detected and they are thrown across the room.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 12/02/2021 13:28

We each do our own washing in our house, and will shove the kids stuff in with ours and maybe bits and pieces of the other person's, if there is space. So yes, I believe it is possible.

I'm sure men were involved in the invention of the washing machine, and the manufacture of the washing machine, and the delivery and installation of the washing machine, so I'm pretty sure I've not married a freak of nature and that most men can figure out how to load it, put in a capsule or whatever, shut the door, and turn a dial.

It would piss me off him not doing his washing but I'd just pick my stuff out (unless you are a SAHP and agreed the washing would be your role) however I'd be livid at someone else pointing out a job. Especially one that could be done in the time it takes to notice it and comment on it.

Brefugee · 12/02/2021 13:29

if you do all the washing what is the Very Manly Job That Requires A Penis that your DH does to compensate?

Just don't do any of his washing. Just stop. Show him once how to use "non-fast coloureds" and leave him to it.

(FWIW: my DH does 90% of our washing because he gets up first and bungs on a load as he leaves the house. Whoever gets to the washing machine first hangs it up. He does most of the ironing while watching football. Penis still 100% there and working normally despite him having done this since we first married over 30 years ago)

Boardeduplife · 12/02/2021 13:30

My husband does the washing, separating the whites from the colours, the new items that need washing in cold water, puts them on the maiden, smalls in the dryer, does the ironing. He’s pretty much all singing all dancing when it comes to being domesticated. He hoovers, cleans, etc. He doesn’t do diy though. We pay a grown up for that, but happy to do that.

Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 13:30

Well I’m sure men that live alone manage it somehow 🙄

Movinghouseatlast · 12/02/2021 13:32

To quote my late mother "I'm sure they can, whether they will or not is another matter".

I have yet to meet a man who decided of his own free will to change the sheets!

Pollypocket1235 · 12/02/2021 13:33

I stopped doing my OHs. He soon learnt. I make sure I teach my son too (he is 6 and knows how) so your husband is a little behind!!!

Hubblebubble75 · 12/02/2021 13:37

When I ask my ds who does what, I get - daddy does the washing , daddy does the cooking and mummy and daddy do the playing and looking after me

Afromeg · 12/02/2021 13:37

Yes men can do laundry - is this a genuine question though? I think you've enabled DH and DS's behaviour and only you can stop it. If you want them to contribute in this way, you'll have to speak up about it.

I do the washing because I want to do it. I have a method of sorting clothes and timing, so it stresses me when someone else does it and messes things around. Weird, I know.

DH doesn't get the chance to do it because I always offer to do his washing (and it's sort of become a system now) but he would if I didn't.

I don't do the ironing though because I hate it.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 12/02/2021 13:38

DH is brilliant at it.
He hangs all of the tops, uniforms and dresses on coat hangers so they dry without wrinkles and splits the loads into colours, lights and darks and doesn’t just wack them up on the line like I do.

But when we 1st started dating he called me while he was on holiday to ask how to use a washing machine and was serious as he had never done laundry at 30.
I laughed my arse off at him, called him a “man child” and may of asked how he managed to get his umbilical cord to stretch that far away from his mummy when he was clearly still attached.
He grew up because I refused to baby him.

Cadent · 12/02/2021 13:38

Stop doing his washing!

Okokokbear · 12/02/2021 13:39

Why have you been letting him get away with this shit for so long. Of course men can do washing it's my partner's job in our house. (he's a man)

Subeccoo · 12/02/2021 13:40

My husband does all the washing, folding, putting in each family members pile. I do none. I can do it, he just does it all.
So yes, of course they can.

Chemenger · 12/02/2021 13:40

DH is very willing to do washing but to be honest I’d rather he didn’t. Or more precisely I’d rather he didn’t do mine. He approaches laundry the way he approaches everything- no care taken, minimum time spent. Bad news for anything made of wool or less robust than a cotton sheet that he grabs from the linen basket. I have to make sure anything that needs special treatment or that I don’t want tumble dried never gets in the basket or it’s doomed. It’s not that he wants me to do it all he just seems incapable of taking proper care. His latest is shrinking his own favourite jumper. He looks at me like I’m some sort of alien when I suggest looking at care labels.
His mother is exactly the same, I’ve never quite forgiven her for transforming my favourite jumper into something the size of a hot water bottle cover. My fault for not buying acrylic apparently.

grapewine · 12/02/2021 13:41

YABU for having let him get away with being such a manchild for all this time.

thelegohooverer · 12/02/2021 13:41

How is it his mother’s fault? Is there a point at which it becomes your fault, if he lives with you as long as he lived with his mother or is there a specific window of opportunity for learning about household chores which once missed, is lost forever?
Can a penis owner only learn to operate household appliances under the guidance of a vagina owner?
It’s all very confusing

RantyAnty · 12/02/2021 13:42

Plenty of men run commercial laundries so of course they can do it.

My DS was about 10 when I taught him how.
It did come in handy when he was at camp and and they boys were asked who knew how to use a washer. He ended up with a summer job there for 2 years in charge of guest services.

He is now a much much better cleaner etc. than I will ever be!

So yes, your DS should be doing each different chore around the house so he doesn't automatically believe it's a woman's job to wait on men.

DoctorHildegardLanstrom · 12/02/2021 13:42

My DS pointed out to me why should he put his clothes away when daddy didn't.

So I pointed this out to DP and said I would leave it another week and if they were still there they would be going to the charity shop, a week later they were still there so they went to the charity shop, now he puts away his clothes

ChronicallyCurious · 12/02/2021 13:42

Don’t do his washing then?

I do the washing in our house as in I put the powder in and press the button but I very much do it when I need clean clothes. If my DP needed a wash doing at other times he could do it himself. I say to my DP ‘putting a wash on in ten minutes so if you want clean clothes then your washing needs to be there’ if they’re not there and sorted he doesn’t get clean clothes. He wears a uniform for work so usually does that himself.