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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can men do the washing?

179 replies

GrannyBags · 12/02/2021 12:45

This may seem like a small thing as DH is generally not too bad with household things but he will not load the washing machine. This morning he pointed out that the pile has built up a bit. We are all getting over Covid - he was in hospital to be fair, but he has never done the washing since we have been together. I’ve been washing all day and am feeling resentful. I asked our 12 year old DS to put his washing in with me and he questioned why he had to if DH didn’t. I said that’s because I was raising him not Nanny and he was fine with that! My MIL did all the ‘woman’s work’ and is very po faced if I suggest DH should do any chores. Is there any hope for him? Am I right to be fed up with this?

OP posts:
TheSandman · 12/02/2021 14:24

I'm a man and if I didn't load the washing machine (and empty it and hang, dry, fold, and redistribute back to relevant rooms) my entire family would run out of clothing before they would think to do it. I know. In a sustained fit of bloody minded sulking I once only washed my own clothes. It was a couple of weeks, when they were running out of clean pants and socks, before they noticed.

CruCru · 12/02/2021 14:28

It's a bit of a shame that his mother is still getting some blame. I didn't use a washing machine until I went to university but figured it out pretty fast. Presumably this man is in his late twenties or older? At some point he has to take responsibility for how he lives, rather than blaming his parents.

We are also not told how the OP and her husband share out chores. My husband does all the food planning, cooking, car maintenance, organising insurance etc. and DIY. I do the bins, the laundry and most of the washing up / dishwasher loading and unloading. I also supervise the children's music practice.

My husband can do the laundry but if I'm honest I'd rather he didn't. I know that losing my temper when he puts my delicate things in on a hot wash may teach him that this isn't a good thing but it will also make me sad to have nice things spoiled. A while ago there was a woman on here who said that she put delicate things in a separate box or bag and her husband would seek them out, put them through a hot wash and ruin them. Even when she asked him not to.

randomsabreuse · 12/02/2021 14:28

@Dogsarehairy

He's perfectly competent at other domestic chores (and does them) so I tolerate the ineptitude with the washing machine as he could do his own perfectly well, but it suits us for me to do all the washing together.

He's better at loading the dishwasher to get more stuff in, I am quicker at sorting the washing because I don't expect him to memorise all my clothes and my familiarity with my clothes and what I can get away with (not necessarily on the label) has increased over time.

BillMasen · 12/02/2021 14:35

As another poster mentioned this, I suppose everyone on here checks their oil in the car and does their fair share of diy and bin taking out?...

user1493413286 · 12/02/2021 14:35

It’s really simple to get a man to do the washing - just stop doing it (telling them first is polite obviously) and they’ll have to do it. I have systems for washing certain things (bedding, towels etc) but my DH does all his own work stuff and other stuff when it starts piling up. I used to do it all and then started wondering why especially taking on the mental load of making sure he had clean work clothes so I just told him I wasn’t doing it any more

BarbaraofSeville · 12/02/2021 14:37

Of course men can't do the washing. It requires the use of a machine and we all know how hopeless men are with machines.

I mean, none of them ever design, build or use them at work for a start. Oh, wait.

BarbaraofSeville · 12/02/2021 14:41

@BillMasen

As another poster mentioned this, I suppose everyone on here checks their oil in the car and does their fair share of diy and bin taking out?...
Er, yes I do.

I even took mine to the garage all by myself and had a sensible grown up conversation with the man who runs the garage about how the oil needs changing more than it says in the handbook because it's an old car and they decided that the suggested oil change frequency isn't often enough and what type of oil can be used.

Checking oil is a 30 second job that needs doing monthly at most (as long as you don't have any leaks of course). In most families, laundry needs doing nearly every day. I think most women would happily do everything they ever needed to do with a car in exchange for never having to think about doing the washing ever again.

ChestnutStuffing · 12/02/2021 14:42

@BillMasen

As another poster mentioned this, I suppose everyone on here checks their oil in the car and does their fair share of diy and bin taking out?...
Yeah - I don't quite get this "stop doing his washing and soon he'll notice".

If you've had a particular household habit for 10 years, why would anyone just expect it to change randomly? My dh does bins, and I might not notice for a while if he stopped. More than that, I'd be pretty pissed off he didn't just say "Could you help with the bins this week" or "can we change how we do bins?" rather than some weird passive aggressive approach. Even if he did feel I had some sort of unfair gendered expectations about bins.

BikeRunSki · 12/02/2021 14:42

DH does all the laundry in this house!

ThelmaNotLouise · 12/02/2021 14:43

@TheSandman

I'm a man and if I didn't load the washing machine (and empty it and hang, dry, fold, and redistribute back to relevant rooms) my entire family would run out of clothing before they would think to do it. I know. In a sustained fit of bloody minded sulking I once only washed my own clothes. It was a couple of weeks, when they were running out of clean pants and socks, before they noticed.
Are you my OH?! He does all our laundry every week. Not because I can't be arsed though, but because I don't like handling wet clothes, it sets my teeth on edge!
ChestnutStuffing · 12/02/2021 14:44

I think most women would happily do everything they ever needed to do with a car in exchange for never having to think about doing the washing ever again.

Not in a million years - I hate dealing with car stuff. I would consider getting rid of ours if dh kicked the bucket.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2021 14:50

Who the fuck are the 7%?! The types who enjoy being martyrs to housework or bone idle men?

Of course men can do the fucking washing. Don’t be so bloody ridiculous.

If it had been you in hospital are you seriously saying your useless husband would have insisted he and your son wore dirty clothes until you came back to do it for them?

Gatehouse77 · 12/02/2021 14:53

DH and the kids are all capable of doing the washing but it’s my domain unless I can’t. Only because I’m fastidious about how it’s done, particularly with how it’s hung out to dry. The rare times I’ve asked for help it’s left me with an inner rage that I don’t need in my life! Same with ironing.

Any other jobs are divvied out.

strudsespark · 12/02/2021 14:55

Of course men can't do the washing, what is wrong with you?

It's a very complicated procedure, you have to think and move to load a washing machine. It's not man's work, since you are such a bad bad bad wife for even thinking this, could you tell your dh to take all the family laundry to his dm, I'm sure it will be returned clean, ironed and needly folded. And as a bonus your mil will perhaps feel needed and have all her thoughts of you confirmed. (Erh and you will have a free laundry service Wink).

Ninkanink · 12/02/2021 14:59

@BillMasen

As another poster mentioned this, I suppose everyone on here checks their oil in the car and does their fair share of diy and bin taking out?...
Yes...I’m a capable person with a perfectly capable brain. I can read a manual and follow a conversation about cars.

We do DIY together, generally, unless it’s a one-person job, then DH will do it because he’s better at it than I am. I take the bins out much more often than DH does.

I was a single parent to two children for years. I stepped up and learned how to do things because I’m not a lazy, entitled, dimwit/CF.

Dogsarehairy · 12/02/2021 15:00

@BillMasen

As another poster mentioned this, I suppose everyone on here checks their oil in the car and does their fair share of diy and bin taking out?...
My car checks its own oil (and tyres) Taking the bin out takes less than 3 minutes a week- whoever is walking the dog does it DIY- I have a Swede for that.
Jaxhog · 12/02/2021 15:01

My DH does all of ours!

Jaxhog · 12/02/2021 15:02

I do all the techie stuff. And the cooking.

anotherlongwalk · 12/02/2021 15:07

@BillMasen As another poster mentioned this, I suppose everyone on here checks their oil in the car and does their fair share of diy and bin taking out?...

Nope , my DH does this as well as all of the laundry, pot washing and half the cooking.... I'm getting the feeling that my DH is definitely a keeper! GrinGrin

Afromeg · 12/02/2021 15:15

@BillMasen

As another poster mentioned this, I suppose everyone on here checks their oil in the car and does their fair share of diy and bin taking out?...
I do all the diy and general handy stuff that I'm able to do - I've always done and I enjoy it. DH can't be bothered.

I did everything to do with car maintenance before DH came along. I would still do so if I had to but like I do with the washing, DH handles that part because he has someone who does it wants to.

MessAllOver · 12/02/2021 15:47

My 3yo DS helps with the washing. He'll help me sort the laundry bag into piles and then I'll pass the clothes to him and he puts them in the washing machine (useful as he's small so less bending for me). He also likes putting the tab in and pressing the buttons. He knows which spin cycle we use (press twice) and which temperature we put the washing on at (press once).

He's actually much more useful than his father... who does also know how to operate a washing machine since otherwise he wouldn't have any clean clothes but doesn't think to wash towels or household linen because the house elf sorts those Hmm.

MessAllOver · 12/02/2021 15:49

I take the bins out. DH claims not to notice the bin/recycling is full but then leaves items next to it. If I divorce him, I intend to cite this as unreasonable behaviour Angry.

Slub · 12/02/2021 15:51

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I know a man who once tried and his penis fell off.....
Grin
AnnLouiseB · 12/02/2021 15:52

My husband does all the laundry in our house. I don’t actually know how to use our machine Blush but I pull my weight sufficiently in other areas. If your husband doesn’t make up for it by doing his fair share overall then he’s being a total dick.

steppemum · 12/02/2021 16:00

I have 2 older brothers. When I was 13, one summer holiday, my Mum got fed up of all the washing, so she put a note in the dirty laundry basket

Oi! before you put anything else in here, put a load in the machine!

She also stopped ironing. She said she would not comment if we chose to wear unironed clothes, but if we wonted them ironed we coudl do it ourselves. (school shirts didn't need ironing)

So we all stepped up.

I suggest similar