Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can men do the washing?

179 replies

GrannyBags · 12/02/2021 12:45

This may seem like a small thing as DH is generally not too bad with household things but he will not load the washing machine. This morning he pointed out that the pile has built up a bit. We are all getting over Covid - he was in hospital to be fair, but he has never done the washing since we have been together. I’ve been washing all day and am feeling resentful. I asked our 12 year old DS to put his washing in with me and he questioned why he had to if DH didn’t. I said that’s because I was raising him not Nanny and he was fine with that! My MIL did all the ‘woman’s work’ and is very po faced if I suggest DH should do any chores. Is there any hope for him? Am I right to be fed up with this?

OP posts:
ladygindiva · 12/02/2021 13:42

My DP doesn't do laundry but he does more than his share of other things so I'm not bothered that laundry is "my job". However... If he had the nerve to point out the washing was piling up he'd get short shrift and I'd stop doing it for him. He accepts its done when I can / want to or he can do it himself like I do with the lawn / shed tidying etc. that he takes care of.

BillMasen · 12/02/2021 13:43

I’ve lived in my own for 8 years so there’s no boy jobs and girl jobs here. I have to my own diy, cleaning, washing and take my own bins out. Same for my ex wife so I’d imagine my kids just see two households where there’s no man/woman jobs.

Of course some of us are able to work a washing machine (aka be a functioning adult). Daft to suggest not

BillMasen · 12/02/2021 13:44

@Movinghouseatlast

To quote my late mother "I'm sure they can, whether they will or not is another matter".

I have yet to meet a man who decided of his own free will to change the sheets!

Here’s one

megletthesecond · 12/02/2021 13:47

No, their willies fall off.

mootymoo · 12/02/2021 13:49

To be fair I do do 95% of laundry but mostly because I have the tricky stuff needing different temperatures, not tumble etc. however I never touch the bins, so it's fair in my opinion. We both work, me less hours so I go grocery shopping and do 90% of cooking (I'm better at it) however back when we could eat out he always pays. Each household is different so what is fair is hard to judge, key is communicating you are unhappy and ensuring it's fair for your set up

Afromeg · 12/02/2021 13:50

DC also never saw any job as mummy's/daddy's or (wo)man's job. It was just 'Daddy/Mummy likes to do this or that'. Now they do anything and we all offer to help each other where we can.

ArcheryAnnie · 12/02/2021 13:53

Stop doing his washing.

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2021 13:53

Half half here. He did struggle to start, I yelled at him for things he destroyed, given they had labels and he is quite good at basic skills like reading, and obviously I insisted he improve not I took over from him.

It’s a machine. Can men work machinery? I’ll leave you to examine your environment and knowledge of the world to decide if men are capable of working a simple machine that usually has a user manual available online.

Ninkanink · 12/02/2021 13:54

My DH changes the sheets as often as I do. He’s not an animal!

MrsBrunch · 12/02/2021 13:55

I'm not surprised OP has not come back to her thread. She must be so embarrassed.

ShaunaTheSheep · 12/02/2021 13:56

I always get flamed for this, but in this house everyone does their own laundry - the DC began starting secondary school. Beds and own towels too.

2pinkginsplease · 12/02/2021 13:58

My dh washes his work clothes at the weekend however I don’t think he has ever just put a washing on other than that! He does do ALL the cooking so I can’t complain.

I’ve only worked part time since we had our children so made sense for me to do daily washes however now I’m full time I tend to fill the machine, ask dd to put it on when she gets home from school and I hang it up when I get home.

BertramLacey · 12/02/2021 13:58

My OH does all the laundry for himself and his daughter. He manages fine with this. It's a very odd question. Quite obviously many men can and do do laundry. Some of them just choose not to.

jamiedoger · 12/02/2021 13:58

My dh and I both working from home at the moment, with eldest doing on line studying (age 13)

My DH has done two loads of washing and my son had done 1 already today. Machines are so easy to operate there is no excuse to no be able to wash clothes. I do family laundry on Sundays but throughout the week they can do their own if they have things they want cleaned

Heyahun · 12/02/2021 14:00

omg wtf - my husband is more than capabable of doing all chores.

Im 39 weeks pregnant and i haven't put a wash on or done any hoovering or even loaded or emptied the dishwasher in weeks - he's doing it all as well as most of the cooking!

usually we both do our fair share though

DoubleHelix79 · 12/02/2021 14:00

DH appears to be quite competent in operating a washing machine. We generally each wash our own clothes, and whoever happens to have time will chuck in DDs washing when it needs doing. Sometimes i feel particularly magnanimous and transfer his laundry from the washer to the dryer, but otherwise its his problem if he runs out of underwear.

Please tell him about the wondwrs of the internet - so much useful information
www.dummies.com/home-garden/home-improvement/cleaning-stain-removal/how-to-use-your-washing-machine/

superram · 12/02/2021 14:07

He will do washing but leaves my stuff and his if he’s unsure about shrinking. I prefer to do it as his hanging looks as though he’s just thrown the washing at it and I don’t iron. My mil thinks I’m a slattern, my dm wishes she was lazy like me! He does all the cooking. I do bins as I can remember which bin it is.

randomsabreuse · 12/02/2021 14:07

I prefer DH not to do the washing. He has no clothes that are delicate or light coloured so can (and could always) happily lob everything in together. With kids and me in the equation we have the odd delicate item, DC's school polos are yellow so pick up all the colour run and look shit so have to go in with whites and so I do brights, whites and darks separately, which doesn't tend to occur to DH.

In our current house he hasn't worked out where most of the washing stuff lives, which is a bit annoying, but I'd rather he did other chores get involved with the washing as he just doesn't think to check labels etc.

To be fair I rarely check labels except on new clothes, because I know the clothes I wear regularly so don't need to check again.

anotherlongwalk · 12/02/2021 14:12

I'm assuming the thread title is supposed to be lighthearted but really it's a bit Hmm image if a bloke started a thread called Can't women put oil in a car? Or something equally stereotypical, there'd be uproar on here!

My DH does all of the washing in our house, genuinely I think I probably did the washing maybe twice in the last 12 months, it's just become one of the house chores that he does. Like I clean the bathroom which he rarely does. We've over time just taken on chores or split them between us... we split cooking about 50/50.

We both work full time and we split the house tasks between us. To be honest he does more of the daily stuff than me, for example he washes the pots every day, but I'm the one who will do the thorough cleaning (skirting boards etc) that doesn't need doing every day. If one of us was ill or super busy with work, the other would just pick up the slack for a time without even having a conversation about it, that's just being in an equal relationship I thought?!

VasterThanEmpires · 12/02/2021 14:13

My 7 yo DS has been doing the washing since he was 4 but in fairness his penis is teeny and possibly hasn't started to prevent him from operating household machinery yet?

Dogsarehairy · 12/02/2021 14:15

learned helplessness

the only way to overcome it is to do the task regularly.

You model (ie demonstrate what they need to do and how to do it)
They then do it immediately.
If they struggle you don't take over, you prompt them or given them clues. If they are still stuck then you remodel a part but expect them to then do it immediately. If they struggle then you can give them written prompts (post it note type reminders or a checklist to follow)

You must NOT take over and do it or you re-inforce learned helplessness

notacooldad · 12/02/2021 14:20

Once he pointed out that the washing was building up that was your cue to say, ' well get the load washed then.
No ifs no but's, no drama.

Dogsarehairy · 12/02/2021 14:20

@randomsabreuse

I prefer DH not to do the washing. He has no clothes that are delicate or light coloured so can (and could always) happily lob everything in together. With kids and me in the equation we have the odd delicate item, DC's school polos are yellow so pick up all the colour run and look shit so have to go in with whites and so I do brights, whites and darks separately, which doesn't tend to occur to DH.

In our current house he hasn't worked out where most of the washing stuff lives, which is a bit annoying, but I'd rather he did other chores get involved with the washing as he just doesn't think to check labels etc.

To be fair I rarely check labels except on new clothes, because I know the clothes I wear regularly so don't need to check again.

because you have allowed him to develop learn helplessness

He is perfectly capable or sorting colours but choose not to. By letting him make that choice you are enabling him to be useless.

Follow the steps in my post above. He his perfectly capable of checking a label unless he has a significant visual impairment.

  1. Tell him what is expected. Show him how to check a label and link that to the symbols on the washing machine
  2. Make him do it repeated times, possible under supervision. If he falters then prompt and clue but don't take over. You may need to remodel part of the process.
  3. Provide a checklist to follow. This should cover all the steps. If he follows the checklist accurately then he cannot fail.
  4. Ultimately he will be able to do it without any prompts or a checklist (which of course he can now but he has told you that he is helpless and you have agreed and promote departed helplessness)
Cadent · 12/02/2021 14:21

@superram

He does all the cooking. I do bins as I can remember which bin it is.

Nice to hear a man does all the cooking for once!

However, doing the bins is not equal to doing the work. Bins are probably 10% of the effort of cooking. And bins are only once a week.

Cadent · 12/02/2021 14:22

*doing the cooking

Swipe left for the next trending thread