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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:

JustLyra · 13/02/2021 21:36

@Ibizafun

I get that it’s non of the op’s concern but it’s annoying her that the person she’s in a relationship with is being taken for a mug. I’m wondering if she were married to her partner but didn’t earn, would people still be giving her a hard time?

Yes.

Because the way of dealing with your partner, or husband, doing something you like isn’t to turn into an abusive partner

okokok000 · 13/02/2021 21:37

@NetflixandChillOut

I sign presents for family from me, my horse and dogs.

The horse and dogs do not contribute financially nor have any say in what I buy.

That is obviously not nowhere near the same situation.

No you're right. The horses and the dogs would at least have some input as they would be financially tied to that poster which provides for them. You on the other and still have no right to any input for the reasons people have been giving you for the past 3 years. By all means continue to ignore the responses that you don't like. Like I said before. Your behaviour is destroying your relationship.

genius1308 · 13/02/2021 22:02

Unfortunately it took many, many years. And many, many arguments. I remember arriving home after our honeymoon and his brother being on the phone within an hour. Husband dropped everything and went to his brothers , even though we were in the middle of opening our wedding presents! I was fuming. DH worked away for weeks at a time but you could guarantee that DB would NEED something on the few days of the month DH would be at home! In the end I said 'you either priotise your family here (me and our 2 children) or you priotise you DB (who is totally taking the p*ss). He obviously picked us but I would have walked away if he hadn't, it wasn't an empty threat. If he wanted to live like that it was up to him but I wasn't going to sit and watch him being taken for a mug!

thelittlestrhino · 13/02/2021 22:07

That is obviously not nowhere near the same situation.

No, you’re quite right, silly me. In my case it’s a relationship spanning 3 decades (Horse) and we live together (Dogs, though Horse would like that too). They’re also all included in my will.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/02/2021 22:08

Do l think it's a bit odd? Yes. There must be a back story.

However it's actually none of your business.

I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.

imalmostthere · 13/02/2021 22:23

"We" aren't helping him out.
He doesn't come to "us".
It's not your money. It literally has zero to do with you. No marriage, no dc, you don't even live together- and I can see why.
You are not contributing any of the money toward anything, it's his money. You have no say, no right, nothing. You need to stop trying to control Everything.

Mamanyt · 13/02/2021 23:41

While every person has a right to an opinion, since he is a "DP" and not a "DH" you have absolutely no right to a "vote" on how his money is spent. It is, legally, his money. You've given him your opinion. Probably stated more emphatically that strictly necessary. Been there, done that. We all have.

At some point in the future, you will probably be able to say, "This is why I was so concerned. I'm sorry you had to learn it this way." But for GOD'S SAKE, don't say more than that when it happens!

Durtyblurty · 14/02/2021 00:03

'Doing this to US... Every conversation WE have with him...'
His brother isn't doing anything to you BOTH. You say your finances are separate. I get that you don't want to see your partner taken advantage of but ultimately it's nothing to do with you.

Newkitchen123 · 14/02/2021 00:12

If none of the money going to the brother is actually yours then it's nothing to do with you

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2021 00:39

@Ibizafun

No. Because they would have properly combined their lives. Become a partnership.

These two date. That's it. And he doesn't answer why the relationship hasn't progressed.

ChippyChickenChips · 14/02/2021 00:44

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?
I really can't see, on what basis, you think his money has anything at all to do with you. If I were him I'd be pretty fed up of you trying to control what I do with my money. Pack it in.

Original poster

NetflixandChillOut · 14/02/2021 01:02

@Durtyblurty

'Doing this to US... Every conversation WE have with him...' His brother isn't doing anything to you BOTH. You say your finances are separate. I get that you don't want to see your partner taken advantage of but ultimately it's nothing to do with you.

Okay, but would you stand back and watch your partner get taken advantage of and do nothing? Even if you could intervene and help them, you would think "it's nothing to do with me" and let them be taken advantage of? I get most people have said I'm unreasonable but I don't understand how me helping my partner from not being taken advantage of is seen as unreasonable.

OP posts:

okokok000 · 14/02/2021 01:13

Ffs you don't even change your question. Are you not bored of getting the same answer or do u go oh enjoy coming across as a parrot.

People keep saying it's annoying but it is your boyfriends choice and nothing to do with you! So put up and shut up or leave.

Original poster

NetflixandChillOut · 14/02/2021 01:15

@Nanny0gg

No. Because they would have properly combined their lives. Become a partnership.

These two date. That's it. And he doesn't answer why the relationship hasn't progressed.

I haven't seen anyone up until you, now, asking why my relationship hasn't progressed, and 2) I'm not really sure why you think your demanding an answer as to why we haven't got married is necessary or even relevant?? You say things like "we date" and make it sound like we are casually dating, but we have been together for years. It's not any of your business as to why we're not married.

OP posts:

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 14/02/2021 01:35

I get most people have said I'm unreasonable but I don't understand how me helping my partner from not being taken advantage of is seen as unreasonable

But you're not helping. You've been interfering for years yet his spending on his brother is going up not down. He's even found money to help him get married but hasn't married you.

After years you've had no impact on his decisions and have no say. You're frustrated and believe dp is being 'taken advantage of, yet Dp is happy to spend it. so instead of flogging a dead horse, why not move on from this relationship? Long term would only be more of the same I.e being ignored

Furries · 14/02/2021 02:46

The more I read of this thread, the more baffled I become.

OP - it is not your money. The more you push this, the more you are going to push your partner away. If it isn’t impacting your financial position then you need to step back.

If, at some point, marriage comes into the equation then you BOTH need a discussion on finances. But until that point, you are not the keeper of your partners wallet.

My view is, when you love someone, and you think that they are doing something detrimental to them, then you should absolutely try to broach it. After that point, you CANNIT force them/constantly rail at them etc. You will eventually push them away. Be there to support them, but you can’t control them.

Bleachmycloths · 14/02/2021 02:54

Maybe you feel you want to be Number 1 in your boyfriend’s life but he puts his brother first? Maybe you’re thinking it doesn’t bode well for a long term relationship or marriage where he may put his brother above you, your home, your children. Are you angry to see money syphoned off which should or could be going to you?
I would like to know two things:
Is your boyfriend very generous to you, too?
Is your boyfriend pretty well off and can easily afford to help his brother?
Finally, it is unreasonable to expect expensive gifts to be reciprocated when the recipient hasn’t got much money.

Crikeycroc · 14/02/2021 03:14

Do you live together? From reading the thread I am still unclear on this.
If you share a home and have separate finances I would expect that you might still make big financial decisions together because you may be separately saving for something joint like a house, home improvements or a holiday.
If you do not have this set up I think you’re going about this all wrong. The brother may well be taking advantage but you need to stop feeling personally aggrieved because it’s not actually effecting you financially. You can only gently guide your partner to consider whether giving so much to his brother is the right decision. If he still wants to help his brother as much financially and your relationship can’t progress as a result he may not be the right person for you.

Bookwords · 14/02/2021 06:12

I'm just disapointed nobodycan see my side, I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP, it's a very one sided thing with my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him.

Don't be disappointed that no one can see your point of view, take it that you're wrong.

Onadifferentuniverse · 14/02/2021 06:43

So if they were buying your partner expensive presents and buying you birthday presents you’d be completely fine with this?

Some people love gifting people things, it’s lovely that your partner doesn’t feel the need to expect the same back.
Also if he’s being asked for money all the time id assume they don’t have the money to reciprocate.

Onadifferentuniverse · 14/02/2021 06:45

He isn’t being taken advantage of. He clearly enjoys giving his brother money and other things.

you’re annoyed because he wants to buy them a car, that’s his choice. He’s not being asked to or forced is he?

Invisiblewoman1 · 14/02/2021 06:51

If you were my partner I would break up with you as you seem controlling

JustLyra · 14/02/2021 06:54

No, everyone would bring it up once if they felt that

I get most people have said I'm unreasonable but I don't understand how me helping my partner from not being taken advantage of is seen as unreasonable.

You are not helping because your partner is not being taken advantage of.

You’ve brought it up with him. You’ve discussed it and he has given you his opinion. You then brought it up again and he reaffirmed his position.

What you’ve done since then is out of order. It’s not protecting him to harass him when he chooses to spend money on his brother. It’s not protecting him to snatch his phone or bin the Christmas present you deemed not worthy.

@NetflixandChillOut you are not protecting your DP. You are constantly harassing and attempting to control the finances of an adult.

AmandaHugenkiss · 14/02/2021 07:14

[quote NetflixandChillOut]@Nanny0gg

No. Because they would have properly combined their lives. Become a partnership.

These two date. That's it. And he doesn't answer why the relationship hasn't progressed.

I haven't seen anyone up until you, now, asking why my relationship hasn't progressed, and 2) I'm not really sure why you think your demanding an answer as to why we haven't got married is necessary or even relevant?? You say things like "we date" and make it sound like we are casually dating, but we have been together for years. It's not any of your business as to why we're not married.[/quote]

I think it may be relevant, if you could tell us how long you’ve been together and what your living situation together is. And if you don’t live together/ have plans to, why.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 14/02/2021 07:42

I totally get where youre coming from OP, I wouldnt want anyone else milking my cash cow either, no one here seems to get your point that its only you that your DP should be spending on, I mean this has been going on for years and no one gets that you dont want to leave because your generous DP is no doubt generous to you too, you just want him to be more generous but his brother impedes that right?

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