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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 14/02/2021 08:45

I feel if you don't live with him and you have made no commitment like sharing a house, finances, engagement or marriage then you have no say.

makingmammaries · 14/02/2021 08:55

This is simple, get rid of the boyfriend and find one willing to share finances with you instead of with his brother.

PegasusReturns · 14/02/2021 09:04

I'm not really sure why you think your demanding an answer as to why we haven't got married is necessary or even relevant??

It is relevant. People who live together and share finances have more mutual accountability around expenditure than those who don’t. You imply you’re in a serious long-standing relationship, but it is quite unusual in those circumstances not to live together and my first thought is that your DP is reluctant because of this very situation.

If that is true then you’re not only being unreasonable but also pretty foolish.

I would not let my DH if 20 years dictate what I spend my money on. And if he tried as persistently as you appear to do I would lie ace him.

PegasusReturns · 14/02/2021 09:05

leave him

Hillary4 · 14/02/2021 10:22

NO you're not being UR
Little bro should get a life, what happens when the gravy train ends, for whatever reason and he finds out he doesn't have his own two feet to stand on?
Is there a future for you and this philanthropist?????

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2021 10:34

@PegasusReturns

I'm not really sure why you think your demanding an answer as to why we haven't got married is necessary or even relevant??

It is relevant. People who live together and share finances have more mutual accountability around expenditure than those who don’t. You imply you’re in a serious long-standing relationship, but it is quite unusual in those circumstances not to live together and my first thought is that your DP is reluctant because of this very situation.

If that is true then you’re not only being unreasonable but also pretty foolish.

I would not let my DH if 20 years dictate what I spend my money on. And if he tried as persistently as you appear to do I would lie ace him.

Exactly my point.
wishywashywoowoo70 · 14/02/2021 10:42

I understand totally that your annoyed on your partners behalf. However if he has the money and is a fully functional adult who is able to make his own choices then it's really not your business. You keep saying his brother asks US he doesn't ask you he asks his brother. There is no joint gift or hand out it's just your partner giving money to his family.
It's not your money to decide. If he isn't spending money that should be spent on your joint home or joint DCs then you really don't have an opinion

peachdribble · 14/02/2021 11:26

My experience of people who continually borrow and never pay back is that’s it’s often due to some kind of addiction. I understand why an older sibling would feel responsible for a younger one, but I also understand your concerns about your partner buying him a car...will he then be paying for road tax, insurance etc? If he simply feels more fortunate and able to keep giving them that’s entirely up to him, but if he’s feeling pressured and feels like he ‘can’t say no’ then there may be something else going on, like a gambling issue

Tistheseason17 · 14/02/2021 13:14

OP - Has your DP bought you a car, holiday or other massive present?

foxhat · 14/02/2021 14:21

OP I think what you need to understand is that your DP's money is not in any way whatsoever your money. Your constant 'us' 'our' about his money is seriously and I think may be what is stopping you from understanding the very simple messages that people are posting here.

At no point have you evidenced any financial hardship to your DP due to HIS gifts to his brother. Nor have you evidenced that there was anything which would stop your DP saying no if he wanted to.

So the issue is NOT that he is being taken advantage of. The issue is that he is making a different decision to the one you wish he would make in relation to how he spends his finances.

You've highlighted your concerns to him more than once. When you choose to bang on about how he is not doing what you want (as that really is all it boils down to) it's disrespectful and controlling.

You have two choices here. 1) accept that your DP sees things differently or 2) decide that this is a deal breaker for you and split up.

Make your choice and move on. Stop trying to argue the same irrelevant points repeatedly whilst ignoring any comments which don't fit your agenda. If you carry on like this I think your DP might well choose to leave you. You are causing arguments and trying to control him. That is not healthy in a relationship and your incessant belief that you have the right to control his gift giving is really worrying. Maybe also do a bit of soul searching to figure out why it is so difficult for you when people don't do what you want. That will be important to move your relationship onto a more healthy footing.

Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 14/02/2021 14:36

@Hillary4

NO you're not being UR Little bro should get a life, what happens when the gravy train ends, for whatever reason and he finds out he doesn't have his own two feet to stand on? Is there a future for you and this philanthropist?????
Thank you for seeing my side of things. His brother has got his own life though, he is not peniless but he DOES always say every time he sees my DP: "Can you borrow me X amount of money?" and my DP never says no.
OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/02/2021 14:37

@NetflixandChillOut how much money have you contributed to any if the presents and loans/money gifts?

I asked before.

foxhat · 14/02/2021 14:39

Thank you for seeing my side of things. His brother has got his own life though, he is not peniless but he DOES always say every time he sees my DP: "Can you borrow me X amount of money?" and my DP never says no.

OP you are still missing the point. Lots of people think your DP bro is taking the piss a little (or a lot). That does not justify you keep on bringing this up and keep on thinking your DP money is your money. Your question was not 'is DP bro taking the piss' your question was whether you should get a say in how your DP, who you have no financial entanglement with, spends his money. Totally different question so focusing on this is another red herring.

slashlover · 14/02/2021 14:53

Thank you for seeing my side of things. His brother has got his own life though, he is not peniless but he DOES always say every time he sees my DP: "Can you borrow me X amount of money?" and my DP never says no.

Which is your DPs choice. Just because it's not the choice you would make does not mean your DP is being taken advantage of.

Your DP chooses to spend money on his DB.

JustLyra · 14/02/2021 15:02

my DP never says no. @NetflixandChillOut

As is his choice...

The issue here is long, long, long beyond the actions of your DP's brother. If he is or is not a piss-taker isn't the issue here.

The issue is your inability to accept, after multiple conversations with him, your partner's right to choose to spend money on his brother.

That is the actual issue here. You don't feel like your partner has the right to choose how he spends his own money, and you feel like you have the right to bully him constantly to try and push him into your way of thinking.

That is a much bigger issue than the brother.

Noranorav · 14/02/2021 15:04

Your DP is happy with the way he's spending his money. You are not. Stalemate. Your DP has seperate finances and is an adult. That means he can do whatever he likes with his money, regardless of whether that is wise, or you agree with it. That's the reality of this situation. Your choice is about what you are going to do, because really it's accept it, end the relationship or agree boundaries around your money e.g you wont contribute to any spending on brother. It's frustrating, yes - but you literally have no other options in this case, as it's DPs money.

Whitecup4 · 14/02/2021 15:10

What is the age difference between the two?

Less than 14 years and you just never know??

He certainly is acting like a father instead of a brother.

UnbeatenMum · 14/02/2021 15:21

I think your DP sees himself in a kind of parental role for whatever reason, which is perhaps why he doesn't feel he's being taken advantage of. I used to look after my youngest siblings as a teenager and felt very protective of them. It didn't extend to financial gifts as our parents never had money problems but I can see how it might have done if there were money worries at home or if I was asked. It's probably not helping the brother to learn to budget or manage his own money though.

Hannahusky · 14/02/2021 15:29

Personally I would say if you don't share finances, that's hardly reasonable. What would your reaction be if your DP tried to control what you can spend? If you make a decision not to share finances, then you surely don't get to dictate what you each spend your money on. If a female posted on here about her dp controlling her spending when they don't share finances, he would be labelled controlling and an abuser.

JustLyra · 14/02/2021 15:32

@Noranorav

Your DP is happy with the way he's spending his money. You are not. Stalemate. Your DP has seperate finances and is an adult. That means he can do whatever he likes with his money, regardless of whether that is wise, or you agree with it. That's the reality of this situation. Your choice is about what you are going to do, because really it's accept it, end the relationship or agree boundaries around your money e.g you wont contribute to any spending on brother. It's frustrating, yes - but you literally have no other options in this case, as it's DPs money.
That's the bit the OP is point blank refusing to accept.

The choice is accept it or leave.

The repeated attempts to control the DP are simply unacceptable

Cherrysoup · 14/02/2021 15:35

I think if you’ve told your DP he’s being taken advantage of yet he continues to give money, then there isn’t much you can do. It is up to him, not you if finances aren’t linked. I’d suggest that even if you did join finances, he would still sneak his brother money. His brother might need words from you if you do move in together.

AmandaHugenkiss · 14/02/2021 15:48

@Cherrysoup

I think if you’ve told your DP he’s being taken advantage of yet he continues to give money, then there isn’t much you can do. It is up to him, not you if finances aren’t linked. I’d suggest that even if you did join finances, he would still sneak his brother money. His brother might need words from you if you do move in together.
I disagree with this, if the DP is happy helping his brother out with money and the brother is happy to ask for it, then it would be completely wrong for the OP to approach the brother directly to complain.

It would be like my parents asking me to give them money every month for their bills, me being really happy to do that as I make plenty of money, and my (hypothetical) boyfriend I don’t even live with calling my parents to have a go at them for it.

Full disclosure, I live with my DP and have some joint finances so if I was giving them money regularly I’d discuss it with him. But as long as it didn’t affect me being able to pay my share of the bills, it wouldn’t be an issue. It’s my money and my family.

JustLyra · 14/02/2021 16:04

@Cherrysoup

I think if you’ve told your DP he’s being taken advantage of yet he continues to give money, then there isn’t much you can do. It is up to him, not you if finances aren’t linked. I’d suggest that even if you did join finances, he would still sneak his brother money. His brother might need words from you if you do move in together.
Sneak his brother money?

This is an adult. If he needed to "sneak" his brother money then the OP would want to be having words with themselves.

What the DP does with his money is his business, not the OPs. Even in joint finances the personal spends each party has is theirs to do as they wish so even in that situation the OP would be completely out of order to speak to the brother.

Dayofpeace · 14/02/2021 16:16

He’s been his brother all his life, while you’re just a girlfriend who doesn’t even live with him, and you’re telling him how he can spend his money??

You are the grabby one it seems.

Bookishnerd · 14/02/2021 16:28

Hi @NetflixandChillOut

Not sealioning, I just really don't understand what your issue is.

At first, you say you are put out that you weren't consulted. Then you say you are annoyed at the inequality. Then you ask if it's unreasonable that this thing is being 'done to you'. Then you say you are concerned for your partner, not yourself.

So here are my questions:

  1. what is it that you think is being 'done to you'?
  2. what are you losing that your DP's brother is gaining?

Your posts are confused and muddled. It seems that you are v insecure, and I'm sorry, it must be difficult to feel like that. It must also be difficult to read these replies.

But with the greatest of kindness and empathy, MN are right. YABU.

What the replies are lacking, though, is some concern for you. Have you thought about CBT to help reframe some of these thoughts in your head?

It's destructive for both your DP and you. You need to stop this for your own well-being.

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