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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 13/02/2021 12:15

@Krampusnolongerbabysits

Every time, I see one of your threads, I read your OP with a screeching voice like some budget Priscilla, Queen of the Desert wannabe. Your boyfriend must have the patience of a saint because even Gandhi by now would have lost it and gnawed on his dusty sandals in utter frustration. I wish we could help him get away from your controlling clutches…
Nice use of casual homophobia there. Would you have said screeching voice and used that film reference in particular to a straight person? I think not.
OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 13/02/2021 12:20

@Jollygoodtime

I can see why you might be annoyed or feel your partner is taken advantage of but you keep saying ‘we’. Does he borrow from you also/are your finances/bills tied to DPs? If not it really is his call to make.
I say 'we' because when we give him gifts they come from both of us, we don't sign them off as "From Netflix's DP but not Netflix", they're from both of us as is offers of money, we are helping him out together. No he doesn't borrow money from me to pay his brother and I do think it's his call to make but I still think I'm allowed to have some part in the decision. But it seems that I'm wrong and more people agree with him so maybe I should just let him get on with it and when he finally realises what has happened and tries to talk to me about It I will tell him I don't want to hear it. I just wish that he wasn't so easily influenced when it comes to his brother. I want to bring it up again today but I'll probably just get shouted out again.
OP posts:
TidyDancer · 13/02/2021 12:48

Why would you keep bringing it up when he's already made his position clear? I don't understand what you think will change. The money isn't yours and with your relationship status you don't have a right to a say in this. You need to either learn to let go of this issue or let go of the relationship.

Butchyrestingface · 13/02/2021 12:54

I want to bring it up again today but I'll probably just get shouted out again.

I can actually see why you're clinging onto this one like grim death, no matter how ill suited the two of you are. You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone else willing to put up with this shite.

Batteredoldchesterfield · 13/02/2021 12:58

You are NOT "helping him out together". It is NOT your money!

VettiyaIruken · 13/02/2021 12:58

How is anything from both of you if you're not contributing any of your money?

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 13/02/2021 13:07

Watched this post and it feels like groundhog day.

Do you not think you should just drop the netflixand out of your username and adopt the latter part of it.
Your DP is obviously happy to help his brother and has done for years. it obviously annoys and frustrates you, but does not look like it will change, so constantly putting a strain on a relationship is no way to live, and your DP is caught between a rock and a hard place, yes it sounds like his brother is not good with money, have you ever rather than just ranting and raving, suggested that DP sits with his brother to look at income and expenditure to help on a practical level.
I only ask because my Aunt had my cousin constantly asking for money, helped her loads, but requests were coming all the time, after refusing to help until she understood her finances more, turns out when they were both earning good money bought everything on HP and over extended themselves but were too embarrassed to admit it, once they did, car returned to finance company, Aunt helped clear their debts and now managing their finances.

Teapotsandtablecloths · 13/02/2021 13:09

Yabvu.

Jeremyironseverything · 13/02/2021 13:11

I'd be exploring why he feels he can't say no but at the end of the day if the only reason is "because he likes helping him out" you've got to let him get on with it.
If there is some deeper psychological "need" to be the saviour or something, or he feels he might lose his brothers love if he doesn't say yes, I'd be encouraging him to seek counseling.

But don't keep on at him. Have your say then shut up.

SofiaMichelle · 13/02/2021 13:12

...as is offers of money, we are helping him out together.

How can you not understand that you are not 'helping him out together' when someone you aren't married to, don't live with and don't share finances with is giving money to his brother.

You are no more 'helping him out together' than I would be.

I think we are all wasting our time trying to carefully explain this very simple situation to you.

NoSquirrels · 13/02/2021 13:15

I say 'we' because when we give him gifts they come from both of us, we don't sign them off as "From Netflix's DP but not Netflix", they're from both of us as is offers of money, we are helping him out together. No he doesn't borrow money from me to pay his brother and I do think it's his call to make but I still think I'm allowed to have some part in the decision.

The “we” part of the gifts is just your boyfriend being polite to you. He could just as easily sign it from him only.

The money he lends/his brother asks to borrow from you “both” - he’s not, again it’s just a form of words.

You don’t have shared finances you are NOT entitled to a say in the decision.

Baffling you think so.

It’s one thing to be annoyed your BF is easily parted from his cash by his brother.

It is a different thing to assume you have any say in the matter, or indeed that you SHOULD have any say in the matter if it’s not disadvantage given you in any way whatsoever.

NoSquirrels · 13/02/2021 13:16

@SofiaMichelle

...as is offers of money, we are helping him out together.

How can you not understand that you are not 'helping him out together' when someone you aren't married to, don't live with and don't share finances with is giving money to his brother.

You are no more 'helping him out together' than I would be.

I think we are all wasting our time trying to carefully explain this very simple situation to you.

Indeed.
Jeremyironseverything · 13/02/2021 13:26

Would you like to get married and live together but your bf doesn't? It sounds as if you'd like to be further invested in this relationship than your partner does.

MsPavlichenko · 13/02/2021 13:52

You are still not getting what folk are saying.

I don’t know whether most people agree with what he is doing or not. The point is your DP wants to do it. That’s all there is to it, whether you, I or everyone on mumsnet agrees or not!

Cocomarine · 13/02/2021 14:23

And your update is still saying this brother is doing things to “us”.

No, he really isn’t.

In this, there is no “us”.

Get your grubby mitts off the idea of your boyfriend’s money 🙄

trappedsincesundaymorn · 13/02/2021 14:33

You expect a say in how your BF spends his own money. No ,let me rephrase that, you are DEMANDING a say in how he pends his own money. Bloody hell I can see the big red flag from here!

trappedsincesundaymorn · 13/02/2021 14:34

pends? spends obviously.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 13/02/2021 14:52

Does he tell you how to spend your money ?
You might think its unreasonable and can see his brother is taking the piss but as you don't share finances it has nothing to do with you
If you were saving for wedding : house and he was using that money and delaying that then maybe , but that doesn't appear to be the case
So yes you can think he is being stupid and or taken advantage of but think it is all

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 13/02/2021 15:02

No, that is entirely my point. I am not pissed off about it for myself, I am pissed off on behalf of my partner

Ooh you little liar!

JustLyra · 13/02/2021 15:14

I say 'we' because when we give him gifts they come from both of us, we don't sign them off as "From Netflix's DP but not Netflix", they're from both of us as is offers of money, we are helping him out together. No he doesn't borrow money from me to pay his brother and I do think it's his call to make but I still think I'm allowed to have some part in the decision. But it seems that I'm wrong and more people agree with him so maybe I should just let him get on with it and when he finally realises what has happened and tries to talk to me about It I will tell him I don't want to hear it. I just wish that he wasn't so easily influenced when it comes to his brother. I want to bring it up again today but I'll probably just get shouted out again.

There is no we in this. It is HIS money. His call. His decision.

You're not helping him out together because it's not shared finances and not a shared decision.

I do think it's his call to make but I still think I'm allowed to have some part in the decision.
I want to bring it up again today but I'll probably just get shouted out again

These two sentences show that you still don't accept that your partner is an adult who is entitled to spend his money however he chooses.

It is NOT your business.

If you don't like how your partner deals with his family or finances then you have two choices - accept it or walk away.

Attempting to repeatedly interfere and be controlling is not acceptable. Not at all.

Trying to control your partner financially is abuse.

LolaSmiles · 13/02/2021 15:15

But it seems that I'm wrong and more people agree with him so maybe I should just let him get on with it and when he finally realises what has happened and tries to talk to me about It I will tell him I don't want to hear it.
How utterly childish. Who sits in a relationship hoping there will be a day they can stick the boot into their other half?

I want to bring it up again today but I'll probably just get shouted out again.
Why bring it up? You have repeatedly made your feelings clear.
Either accept the relationship he has with his brother or walk away from the relationship if you aren't happy with it.

JustLyra · 13/02/2021 15:16

And the fact that gifts are signed from both of you doesn't mean the gift is a joint contribution from you both, and certainly doesn't mean anything else your DP spends is a joint effort.

My 16yo DD and her boyfriend gave a "joint" gift for my birthday last week. She bought it and stuck their names on it. Doesn't mean he has any say in how she spends her cash (or her his). It's just a coupley thing to do.

CharlieParley · 13/02/2021 15:26

I say 'we' because when we give him gifts they come from both of us, we don't sign them off as "From Netflix's DP but not Netflix", they're from both of us as is offers of money, we are helping him out together

No. Your DP may have been kind enough to use those words. Whether that's for his own reasons or because this is how you frame it. But when you make zero financial contribution to someone or something and another party makes 100% of the financial contribution, there is no financial "together".

Now it is true for instance, that when my son was born and I was a SAHM, our mortgage was paid from DH's wages. Me 0% financial contribution, him 100%. It was still our contribution because I provided unpaid labour by taking on all the childcare and household duties. We shared responsibilities together, we meet them together, so we paid the money together.

There is no such scenario in your case (or at least you have not stated that you are providing similar unpaid labour to your DP), therefore you have no claim, not even an indirect claim on the contributions DP makes to his DB. Therefore you are not "helping him out together".

I'm beginning to think that the only mistake your DP made was to allow you to frame him helping out his own brother with his own money as you two doing it together. Because that seems to have allowed you to think of your DP's money as joint money.

It is not your money.

And FFS but how could any reasonable person read through the responses on this thread and think the correct, the sane response was to once again seek to control what his DP does with his own money? How?! Shock

Cameleongirl · 13/02/2021 15:42

You’ve tried to talking to him about it again (calmly this time) and it’s doubtful that he’s changed his mind. So you’ll have to drop the subject now.

Unlike some posters, I do understand to some extent why his brother constantly asking for and receiving money/expensive gifts would bother you. It’s unusual and I’d wonder how this dynamic came about. But you can’t do anything about it, so leave it.

It does mean though that any further commitment, like moving in together, any type of joint finances, might not be a good idea. If that’s what you want,

you might need to reconsider your relationship.

Whythesadface · 13/02/2021 15:51

I have seen you post before.
You have to drop this.
YOUR 100% right that his DB is taking the micky out of his Brother, your DP .
But your DP won't choose you over his brother.
There have to be reasons he feels this way, and unless he objects all your going to do is be upset each time, and this will carry on until you FORCE your DP to choose his brother.
Your money is not effected, so please drop it, I know your just doing this because you love him, so love him enough to let him do this.