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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2021 16:07

I say 'we' because when we give him gifts they come from both of us, we don't sign them off as "From Netflix's DP but not Netflix", they're from both of us as is offers of money, we are helping him out together. No he doesn't borrow money from me to pay his brother and I do think it's his call to make but I still think I'm allowed to have some part in the decision.

But none of it is your money, right?

My cousins are like this. The boy is a scrounger and the girls let him. That's their dynamic and it won't change.

Just don't marry him!

Plumbuddle · 13/02/2021 17:27

He is a rich man who loves his brother. It's really kind and caring of him not to count the cost.

MollyMinniesMum · 13/02/2021 17:28

Is the age gap between them significant? I’d be inclined to wonder if he is actually his “brothers” father otherwise, I agree, it’s weird that he’s contributed to the wedding, bought lavish presents etc

Callingallskeletons · 13/02/2021 17:39

He is definitely his brother right?
Not some teenage love child raised as a brother???

imnottoofussed · 13/02/2021 17:44

When you say we and us it's not the case. The money isn't coming from you. Are you paying half toward any of the things? If not in that case it's not really any of your business. If it was impacting whether your partner could afford to pay half of anything you pay for together like rent/mortgage/bills then I can see why you should be involved but otherwise your partner can spend his money on whatever he wants.

ERFFER · 13/02/2021 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/02/2021 18:48

You need to understand that there is no US financially. His money, his presents,his loans. Just because he adds your name to the card it doesn't mean it came from you.

At the very least,just tell him you don't want to hear any more about it. Out of sight out of mind

icedgem85 · 13/02/2021 18:50

His money and his brother!!! 😂

MadameBoulaye · 13/02/2021 19:03

Not read thread, but I think you need to indicate your DP’s earnings compared to his DB’s earnings if you haven’t already. It seems that DP might earn a whole lot more. If it’s equal, then the situation is bonkers and I would be questioning any future with DP, as it will become an even bigger bugbear for you and DP will become secretive and do it without your knowledge. I have a similar situation where my DH gives his parents a lot of money each month because his mum had got herself into £100k of debt through gambling and that is ongoing and still claws at me! She has never addressed it with me, acknowledged it or said thank you to us for baleing her out!

genius1308 · 13/02/2021 19:14

Totally going against the grain here but I think the op is getting a bit of a hard time here. I can totally see where op is coming from and I 'was' in totally the same situation. It's not about the money, it's about seeing someone you love dearly being taken for a ride. My DHs brother was exactly the same, and my DH would drop everything and hand cash to him without a second thought. Brother would always plead poverty, say 'well you're alright because you have a good job' etc. DH used to feel guilty about it so would just hand no at over all the time. It seriously affected our relationship. Especially when he 'visited' the day I came out of hospital (major op) saying he couldn't afford to pay the mortgage and needed €200. His girlfriend told me in passing that he'd just been and bought loads of new play Station games! He always said hed pay it back, but never ever made any attempt to. It was the only thing we ever fell out about, ever. The last time he asked for money I said 'if he doesn't make any attempt to pay it back this time you got to promise to never lend him money again'. He never paid a penny back, surprise, surprise and luckily my DH has never given him money again. I'm not against helping people out, we've often helped his other brother out who does genuinely struggle but some people just treat you like a mug if you let them. I see your frustration op.

JustLyra · 13/02/2021 19:17

@genius1308

Totally going against the grain here but I think the op is getting a bit of a hard time here. I can totally see where op is coming from and I 'was' in totally the same situation. It's not about the money, it's about seeing someone you love dearly being taken for a ride. My DHs brother was exactly the same, and my DH would drop everything and hand cash to him without a second thought. Brother would always plead poverty, say 'well you're alright because you have a good job' etc. DH used to feel guilty about it so would just hand no at over all the time. It seriously affected our relationship. Especially when he 'visited' the day I came out of hospital (major op) saying he couldn't afford to pay the mortgage and needed €200. His girlfriend told me in passing that he'd just been and bought loads of new play Station games! He always said hed pay it back, but never ever made any attempt to. It was the only thing we ever fell out about, ever. The last time he asked for money I said 'if he doesn't make any attempt to pay it back this time you got to promise to never lend him money again'. He never paid a penny back, surprise, surprise and luckily my DH has never given him money again. I'm not against helping people out, we've often helped his other brother out who does genuinely struggle but some people just treat you like a mug if you let them. I see your frustration op.
The issue is that the OP has hassled the DP constantly over this issue
Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 13/02/2021 20:39

@Callingallskeletons

He is definitely his brother right? Not some teenage love child raised as a brother???
No, definitely his brother, not a secret teenage love child.
OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 13/02/2021 20:45

@genius1308

Totally going against the grain here but I think the op is getting a bit of a hard time here. I can totally see where op is coming from and I 'was' in totally the same situation. It's not about the money, it's about seeing someone you love dearly being taken for a ride. My DHs brother was exactly the same, and my DH would drop everything and hand cash to him without a second thought. Brother would always plead poverty, say 'well you're alright because you have a good job' etc. DH used to feel guilty about it so would just hand no at over all the time. It seriously affected our relationship. Especially when he 'visited' the day I came out of hospital (major op) saying he couldn't afford to pay the mortgage and needed €200. His girlfriend told me in passing that he'd just been and bought loads of new play Station games! He always said hed pay it back, but never ever made any attempt to. It was the only thing we ever fell out about, ever. The last time he asked for money I said 'if he doesn't make any attempt to pay it back this time you got to promise to never lend him money again'. He never paid a penny back, surprise, surprise and luckily my DH has never given him money again. I'm not against helping people out, we've often helped his other brother out who does genuinely struggle but some people just treat you like a mug if you let them. I see your frustration op.
Thank you for seeing my side of things. I am sorry to hear that you have been through the same things I have. But you sound like you understand exactly where I'm coming from, perhaps people don't really get it unless you've been through the same thing yourself.

Brother would always plead poverty, say 'well you're alright because you have a good job' etc. DH used to feel guilty about it so would just hand no at over all the time.

This is exactly the same situation but unfortunately...

The last time he asked for money I said 'if he doesn't make any attempt to pay it back this time you got to promise to never lend him money again'. He never paid a penny back, surprise, surprise and luckily my DH has never given him money again

Unfortunately something similar happened when I said something similar and it happened (his brother not paying back all the money he borrowed off us) but has since happened again despite the brother still owing money to my DP. Luckily your DH has learnt his lesson. Mine hasn't, as of yet.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/02/2021 20:52

Unfortunately something similar happened when I said something similar and it happened (his brother not paying back all the money he borrowed off us)

Have you actually ever handed any money? For presents or loans or gifts?

thelittlestrhino · 13/02/2021 20:54

I say 'we' because when we give him gifts they come from both of us, we don't sign them off as "From Netflix's DP but not Netflix", they're from both of us

I sign presents for family from me, my horse and dogs.

The horse and dogs do not contribute financially nor have any say in what I buy.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/02/2021 20:55

@thelittlestrhino

I say 'we' because when we give him gifts they come from both of us, we don't sign them off as "From Netflix's DP but not Netflix", they're from both of us

I sign presents for family from me, my horse and dogs.

The horse and dogs do not contribute financially nor have any say in what I buy.

I bet the horse and dogs really resent you spending their money on gifts for others .Grin
Angrywife · 13/02/2021 21:04

You don't share finances so the "we" in your post is inaccurate, or are you saying you have given money to the brother too?
You can have an opinion on whether your partner is daft to do what he does or not, but you have no authority on whether he can do it

Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 13/02/2021 21:10

I sign presents for family from me, my horse and dogs.

The horse and dogs do not contribute financially nor have any say in what I buy.

That is obviously not nowhere near the same situation.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 13/02/2021 21:13

Op it really is up ti him his brother is a scrounger yes and your partner obviously feels bad ir guilt for something ans keeps helping

if hes willing to just think about it all thats a start but really theres not much you can do

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/02/2021 21:14

@NetflixandChillOut

I sign presents for family from me, my horse and dogs.

The horse and dogs do not contribute financially nor have any say in what I buy.

That is obviously not nowhere near the same situation.

Are you paying or contributing for any of this?
JustLyra · 13/02/2021 21:17

@NetflixandChillOut

I sign presents for family from me, my horse and dogs.

The horse and dogs do not contribute financially nor have any say in what I buy.

That is obviously not nowhere near the same situation.

It’s exactly the same. It’s the same as the fact I sign my kids names on presents, but they don’t contribute.

You just refuse to see it because you have such a sense of entitlement to your DP’s money.

JustLyra · 13/02/2021 21:20

I hope your DP finds Mumsnet, or another forum, one day so that they can get back up in their belief that this is nothing to do with you.

You are a controlling partner who, by the fact you constantly badger him about this and attempt to interfere with his relationship with his brother, is bordering on abusive, if you are not already.

Harassing and attempting to financially control someone, as you do, would have them get resounding “LTB” replies, and that’s before we get onto the present binning and phone snatching incidents.

You really need to wise up to yourself before your poor partner wises up to you and dumps you.

BeakyWinder · 13/02/2021 21:22

Amazed you are still together tbh you are completely obsessed with his brother. If your boyfriend posted his side on here he'd be told to LT crazy B

NoSquirrels · 13/02/2021 21:26

The poster who you quoted was married to her cash-giving bloke. She was financially tied to him. His money was literally her money (“All that I have, I share with you...”)

You’re not married. You don’t share finances. It is literally none of your concern what your boyfriend does with his money.

If you don’t like it (and I wouldn’t), by all means don’t marry him.

Ibizafun · 13/02/2021 21:33

I get that it’s non of the op’s concern but it’s annoying her that the person she’s in a relationship with is being taken for a mug. I’m wondering if she were married to her partner but didn’t earn, would people still be giving her a hard time?