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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say to the childminder

468 replies

Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 08:43

I just don't know what to do... myself partner and DS1 have never ever ever suffered from a cold sore. My DS2 has been going to a childminder for a few months though. When I collected him on Monday I noticed the childminder had a cold sore. Now he has what looks like a cold sore forming on his top lip. I am so upset. He will have this recurring for life and it must only be from her or her kids because lockdown means this is the only other family he has seen. I feel like taking him out of her care because the hygiene is clearly not good enough and she should have let us know so we made a choice to expose him or not. We would have still paid the bill. AIBU to say he won't be going back there?

OP posts:
kirinm · 12/02/2021 11:38

@Hyggemama

I would be annoyed but I don't think it is quite as dramatic as you're making out. All viruses can have horrible consequences but you're not going to protect your kids against them all.

What are the statistics of suffering brain damage from the cold sore virus compared with say, falling and suffering a brain injury? That is also possible.

AntiHop · 12/02/2021 11:38

Yanbu. I would be really upset too. It's not nice to know your baby has this virus for life now.

However, as pp said, your baby could have touched her face. It's pretty hard to care for a baby without getting close to them, and they like to grab. I think she should have told you so you could make an informed decision.

All those PPs being mean, can you please remember that there is a real woman reading your replies who is feeling anxious. You can disagree without being horrible.

poppycat10 · 12/02/2021 11:44

Blimey. I never knew chicken pox was a serious illness before I joined MN and found out that if you took your child out outside in a pram with the plastic cover over it that someone passing on the other side of the road would catch it and be hospitalised.

Now I discover that cold sores are incredibly serious and stigmatising. Who knew?

I've never had a cold sore myself but no way would I make this much fuss if I did.

If you outsource your childcare (and education) you have to be prepared for your child to pick things up. If not you have to be a SAHM and home-school.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 12/02/2021 11:48

@WombatChocolate

I feel really uncomfortable at the levels of upset against the childminder here and the suggestions she has been negligent, based on zero information.

These things remind me of a witch hunt. For a start, we don’t know he has caught a cold sore from her...loads of people have mentioned other ways he is quite likely to have got it. Plus, there are all these suggestions of lack of hygiene or not managing the children properly or kissing him....none based on any evidence. And most importantly, no seeming ability to accept that there is always a level of risk when you send your child into the world...of illness of all types, accident etc etc and that things happen and there doesn’t always have to be someone to blame...it’s just life.

I suppose it’s a type of parent...who always wants someone to blame for everything and who doesn’t just accept that sometimes things happen and it’s really not anyone’s fault.

As I mentioned earlier, Op has spotted the CM had a cold sore. However she didn’t choose to have a word about her concerns or to remove her child from the situation, which given her seeming excessive fear of cold sores, seems surprising. And now the anger at the CM, from both the Op and a load of strangers too....I just find it all very odd and worrying.

Yes I agree with this. People are assuming that she is to blame with no actual evidence. She may have just had a spot on her face and some have written her off as having poor hygiene and negligent. As many have said it could have been picked up anywhere, you could be a carrier and not even know!
WombatChocolate · 12/02/2021 11:48

Feeling 'annoyed' which is what lots of posters have used as an expression, just doesn't seem right to me.

There is no evidence of the CM doing anything wrong. Would you be annoyed if your child developed a cold or the flu or Covid? Why are these things about blame....isn't there simply risk in being out in the world. It doesn't mean someone else has been negligent if we or our child develops an illness. Very often it's impossible to trace where it came from anyway (despite people often being sure who they caught whatever condition or illness from) and even if it is possible, there is often no blame due .....we have to accept risks of being out in the world. And small children spending time with other children and in the care of another adult will always be getting close to those people in a physical sense, which increases risk. What is there to be annoyed about? Slightly sad about him having a cold sore maybe, but this level of worry and particularly the direction of the annoyance and worse seems misplaced and really unpleasant to me.

Children will get all kinds of illnesses. Very rarely is anyone personally negligent and to blame. The blame or 'annoyed and furious' culture is disturbing.

toocold54 · 12/02/2021 11:51

I can’t believe these comments, I would absolutely be upset, it is the herpes virus, I would be extremely upset, you can tell the ones who get cold sores on this thread! I am shocked they would not be upset if their own child got it though

You do realise most people have the virus in them but it doesn't show any symptoms - so it is more likely the OP has it and has passed it on rather than the childminder!

growinggreyer · 12/02/2021 11:52

I think you are right to be annoyed, as the childminder training specifically covers this issue and teaches explicitly that every child should have their own flannel, hand towel, potty etc. There should be no sharing and no cross-infection. And that was before Covid and the increase in hygiene requirements. People saying that it is no big deal - it is a big deal, it is a life-long infection that would not have occurred if precautions had been taken.

I think you should send a written complaint and she will have to respond. Ofsted will want to see her complaints when they next visit so they will pick up on her slack hygiene.

Whattodo1610 · 12/02/2021 11:56

I really hope you are joking growing.

I’ll point out again .. OP has assumed EVERYTHING in this case and also changed her story. Funny how she’s disappeared now ..,

glitterelf · 12/02/2021 12:00

@growinggreyer Your being ridiculous to say that as by your logic there would never be any illnesses or bugs in childcare settings.
Have you forgotten that children share resources ? No amount of personal towels, cups and cutlery would be able to stop the spread of childhood infections.
As for putting in a formal complaint would you suggest the same for any other virus or nits ?

Soubriquet · 12/02/2021 12:03

I’m shocked people are calling you precious

My mum had cold sores and she was very careful when hers flared up

Meant that me and my sister never suffered

Childminder is being very unreasonable and should have had better health hygiene around children

WombatChocolate · 12/02/2021 12:05

Growinggreyer.....what absolute nonsense. OFsted won't be interested at all as there it is impossible to know where he picked it up from (cool tests people mention 90% of the population hai g it dormant) and there is zero evidence of a lack of hygiene.

This is a knee-jerk reaction based on a lack of full knowledge (and full knowledge is impossible) and based on a culture of looking to blame....looking to blame without evidence). Behaving like this leads to a trail of damaged relationships and offence in its wake......totally unecessary.

Feeling a bit upset that your child has developed a condition of any kind...fine.And then you accept its part of life and deal with it and move on. But when there is no way of knowing where it's been contracted or any evidence that anyone has been negligent, annoyance, fury, wanting to complain, wanting to report to Ofsted etc....not fine.

Whattodo1610 · 12/02/2021 12:06

soub .. OP has no evidence AT ALL that the childminder or her son has cold sores.

Good job half of posters here aren’t on jury duty ...

RedMarauder · 12/02/2021 12:06

@growinggreyer you are being ridiculous.

While the childminder will have separate cups, potties, towels and whatever for each child, she cannot stop a toddler touching another child's face, trying to drink out of another ones cup, grabbing the wrong towel etc. This is just what small children do.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/02/2021 12:06

It's an extremely contagious and the type of close contact a CM would have in order to adequately care for a toddler would make it near impossible to totally prevent transmission even with excellent hygiene. Toddlers will touch peoples faces etc with little warning.

It's also highly prevalent in the UK so your child could have picked it up elsewhere.

HerNameIsIncontinentiaButtocks · 12/02/2021 12:08

So I'm guessing you've never studied Clive Wearing.

Wearing is a case study because it was such a remarkable difference to the norm. You've learnt basically the wrong lesson from studying his case.

growinggreyer · 12/02/2021 12:09

I am not being ridiculous, I am being factual. This sort of infection is not a surprise to the childminder. She knows it is on her face and she should have taken steps to prevent the infection. It is not rocket science, is it?

TellingBone · 12/02/2021 12:09

Why did you bother to ask if you've already made up your mind? Do what you think fit.

HarrietOh · 12/02/2021 12:12

@Soubriquet

I’m shocked people are calling you precious

My mum had cold sores and she was very careful when hers flared up

Meant that me and my sister never suffered

Childminder is being very unreasonable and should have had better health hygiene around children

You could have the virus from your Mum though, in you right now, you've just never had a cold sore symptom!
Whattodo1610 · 12/02/2021 12:14

growing .. read the thread properly .. OP has ASSUMED it is cold sores, she’s also changed her wording and who MIGHT have cold sores or otherwise
NO-ONE knows who actually has what. But like what’s already been said, what do you we suggest OP and the whole world does? Wrap us all in bubble wrap and stay indoors forever? Confused

Nice you can accuse without knowing the facts [hnm]

Lubiluxe · 12/02/2021 12:16

Crikey. What an odd post. If you don't want your child to be exposed to anything, keep them wrapped up in a bubble at home. She could have passed it on before it appeared fully. I'm sure she'll have been careful once she knew she had one!

Dotinthecity · 12/02/2021 12:16

Your poor childminder. 😳

Chloemol · 12/02/2021 12:16

Oh get over yourself. It may not have come from the child minder, you or your husband could have a dormant virus but pass it on

Millions, literally millions, of people have cold sores, and they get on with it

If you are not happy move child minders,

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 12/02/2021 12:18

@growinggreyer with respect it isn't factual. It is your opinion which could be very damaging to this woman's livelihood when there is no actual evidence that the virus has come from her. Actually there is nothing conclusive to say that CM or Op child even has a coldsore for sure.

Greendoonan · 12/02/2021 12:19

I love how people are minimising this by saying it’s just a coldsore. The child has been infected with herpes. HERPES! It’s not a minor thing.

DinosaurDigestive · 12/02/2021 12:19

Plenty of people actually have this but simply don't show any visible cord sores.... so it is also possible it came from yourself or another family member! Vast majority of the population have this virus so it would have more than likely happened at some point especially with young children mixing together.

Also, how are you going to manage certain illnesses if this worked up over a coldsore? There are so many things worth getting worked up over and this isn't one of them!

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