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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say to the childminder

468 replies

Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 08:43

I just don't know what to do... myself partner and DS1 have never ever ever suffered from a cold sore. My DS2 has been going to a childminder for a few months though. When I collected him on Monday I noticed the childminder had a cold sore. Now he has what looks like a cold sore forming on his top lip. I am so upset. He will have this recurring for life and it must only be from her or her kids because lockdown means this is the only other family he has seen. I feel like taking him out of her care because the hygiene is clearly not good enough and she should have let us know so we made a choice to expose him or not. We would have still paid the bill. AIBU to say he won't be going back there?

OP posts:
snowydaysandholidays · 12/02/2021 12:20

God forbid if your child is properly ill or worse needs hospital care. Op you need to get this into perspective. If you are going to send your child to childcare in any capacity they are going to catch all manner of things in that time. If you want to seal your child in a bubble with no exposure to anything, then you are doing the child a huge disservice. It is part of life building up some kind of immunity against all sorts of things. A coldsore is just a coldsore, he may never have another.

You seem to be lacking any kind of perspective. I feel for your childminder, she probably can't afford to close just for a bloody coldsore.

Rhiannon13 · 12/02/2021 12:21

Cold sores can be a big deal. The herpes virus lives in your nerves until the next outbreak, and having a visible sore can be incredibly embarrassing (not to mention painful). I missed school when I was a teenager because of these because the teasing was merciless. Presumably those saying it's not a big deal have no personal experience of living with this? I very rarely get stressed enough to get them now but I have considered how useful masks will be if it does happen!

I wouldn't be at all happy OP. Thankfully treatments are much quicker and more effective than they were in the 80s, but even so, the childminder should have been more careful as active cold sores are very contagious. As far as I'm aware the infection can only be spread by contact rather than from towels etc. because the virus doesn't survive long on surfaces.

Fingers crossed it isn't a cold sore though OP?

Pyewhacket · 12/02/2021 12:21

If you're not happy with the childminder, for whatever reason, then you are perfectly at liberty to make alternative arrangements. You don't need to canvass opinion or seek approval. It's your child and your call.

binnhill · 12/02/2021 12:23

My husband contracted Encephalitis which is very rare, caused by the herpes virus (coldsore).

It is very rare,about 1 in 60 million a year catch it .
That's what the doctors said.

Ultimately,. Yes,he was brain damaged and we still live with memory issues, tiredness.
However, he recovered thankfully
But it's extremely rare.

He was unlucky,

truthisalie · 12/02/2021 12:23

It's difficult as many people have herpes and any child minder could have it but the important thing is not to share the towels and to wash hands regularly and not to touch lips.

Barton10 · 12/02/2021 12:30

YANBU my mum gets them from her Nan kissing her when she was younger and she has always been really careful around me and my brother and our DC so she doesn't pass them on. I would be really upset too.

Whattodo1610 · 12/02/2021 12:32

So if my child developed a cold sore, my argument could be ... I don’t know anyone at all with a cold sore, however the lady next door, her best friends cousins father in law has one ... it must have been passed through somehow! I must get word back to him that his hygiene is obviously out of order! 🙄🙄🙄🤣🤣🤣

Please everyone get some perspective.

moanieleminx · 12/02/2021 12:34

What am I reading???

My youngest gets cold sores. No one else does. I don't know where it comes from. It's not the nicest however, I would not pénalise decent childcare or him being unsettled. It's a virus not a choice.

He is 5 now and everything is ok. Peadiatrician isn't worried.
YABVU.

Whattodo1610 · 12/02/2021 12:35

barton utter rubbish ... out of myself and 7 siblings, 1 of us suffers infrequently with cold sores, no one else in our family or extended family get them... where do you suppose my sibling caught the virus? My mum and dad were equally huggy and kissy with all of us.

Thislittlefinger123 · 12/02/2021 12:36

I'd feel the same OP. Yes it's true you can't guarantee he picked it up at the childminders but if she had one last week and he has one now then of course it's ery likely. And they are a recurring incurable, unsightly and painful condition. I'd feel exactly the same. The spread is fairly easily stopped by good hygiene (I mean how hard is it to not touch it, keep hands clean and not share things). Hope he doesn't suffer badly and it doesn't reoccur Flowers

WombatChocolate · 12/02/2021 12:36

RHiannon, loving your post which at the same time recognises it might not even be a cold sore, but simultaneously says you wouldn't be happy with the childminder and she should have been more careful!

It's possible to recognise that a cold sore isn't ideal and CAN pose a significant risk (although balanced against the fact that's in a tiny number of cases) AND to recognise that if the child has one (and Op isn't even sure he has) that it's impossible to be sure where it came from and even more impossible to claim the CM must have been unhygienic or negligent. Why can't people balance all these facts against either other?

To berate a CM for a cold sore your child now has (and to leave for that reason) when you don't know it was got there, nor that the CM did anything wrong about hygiene, whilst knowing the CM had a cold sore but not voicing the rather extreme concerns you've expressed here, or choosing to keep him away, seems absolutley crazy....but perhaps the CM will be glad to lose you if you're an unreasonable client.

When you find new childcare, be sure to give them your list of particular concerns that you want to be informed about, so you can not send your child in on the days that any of those issues appear to be possible. Make sure you do it in advance, and don't complain after you've spotted one of them is already occurring and kept quiet about it being on your worry list, whilst still sending your child in, and then complaining after the event.

Musicalmistress · 12/02/2021 12:37

All these people whose parents/partners had cold sores but they've not because said parent/partner had exemplary hygiene - you do realise in all likelihood you carry the virus but have just never had an outbreak (ie cold sore)?
The virus is most infectious in the day or so before the sore appears so unless your parent/partner never kissed you, touched you or anything that you might then touch in the days before having a cold sore then you most likely carry the virus!

MacDuffsMuff · 12/02/2021 12:38

I love how people are minimising this by saying it’s just a coldsore. The child has been infected with herpes. HERPES! It’s not a minor thing.

Oh calm down @Greendoonan what a ridiculously hyperbolic post. Do some research and find a little about the virus, rather than try to scare an already worried OP.

Fromthegekko · 12/02/2021 12:42

OP has no evidence AT ALL that the childminder or her son have coldsores

Apart from them both having cold sores .

glitterelf · 12/02/2021 12:42

I'm sure we're all aware now that this particular virus doesn't need an outbreak to pass it on ?
So judging that most people on this thread keep spouting hygiene would you have that same attitude if there was a covid outbreak at the childminders ?

Rhiannon13 · 12/02/2021 12:42

RHiannon, loving your post which at the same time recognises it might not even be a cold sore, but simultaneously says you wouldn't be happy with the childminder and she should have been more careful!

I meant I wouldn't be happy IF the childminder had spread the cold sore. There's no proving that though is there? And it might not even be a cold sore, but if it is it's more of a problem than a lot of (lucky) people seem to realise.

Toilenstripes · 12/02/2021 12:43

@Looneytune253

I am a childminder and get cold sores from time to time. They are a normal part of life much like the common cold and wouldn't even cross my mind to inform a family that I had one. I'm scratching my head here. So confused!! I have my own 2 children and they don't get them and I was very very close to them as babies as well as all the babies I've looked after and they haven't caught it either. I think it's just been bad luck OP.
They might be a normal part of your life but trust me not for me or anyone I know. 🤨 Far too many on this thread acting like it’s no big deal when it’s actually rank.
toocold54 · 12/02/2021 12:47

I love how people are minimising this by saying it’s just a coldsore. The child has been infected with herpes. HERPES! It’s not a minor thing.

WOW this thread is actually bonkers!!!

I have to assume that a lot of PPs are joking and not completely ignoring the Science/common sense.

Original poster
Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 12:48

@Whattodo1610

I really hope you are joking growing.

I’ll point out again .. OP has assumed EVERYTHING in this case and also changed her story. Funny how she’s disappeared now ..,

Not disappeared just parenting so aren't glued to my phone. For those of you that say I saw it and made the decision, I didn't see it until I collected and he's not been back since.
OP posts:
Xerochrysum · 12/02/2021 12:48

If you are so worried about a child getting an infection from others, you really need to keep your child in bubble and don't let them be exposed to other people.

alphabetsoup1980 · 12/02/2021 12:48

Wow!!!

Blue565 · 12/02/2021 12:48

Do your childminder a favour and pull your children out. She will be relieved

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 12/02/2021 12:49

@Greendoonan I wouldn't bother, you'll just get called hysterical because we should be completely fine with our kids being infected with herpes 🙄

Dee261 · 12/02/2021 12:50

Do you have any grounds to say that it has been caused by poor hygiene?
I am presuming here maybe I shouldn’t but I would presume that you done home assessment when you chose your childminder, if you go to collect you should do you see inside the home and see that it is not clean, if that is the case yes the hygiene an issue maybe find new one.
If your presuming that is how your child got it that is unfair and would or could actual damage a persons business with unfounded accusations.

I understand that your child are the most important thing in the world to you and rightly so but to say that they could die from the herpes simplex virus, your correct they can but the chances are what 0.8% in over 100,000 but well Covid has a higher death rate and also % and you take that risk daily.

SteppedOnBloodyLego · 12/02/2021 12:51

OP, I haven’t RTFT (I understand where you are coming from) but since you’ve studied this at university you’d know that 90+% of population carry herpes simplex virus.

You and your husband are very likely have it too - even though you never had a cold sore.
You better work on improving your child’s immune system so his virus stays dormant.