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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say to the childminder

468 replies

Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 08:43

I just don't know what to do... myself partner and DS1 have never ever ever suffered from a cold sore. My DS2 has been going to a childminder for a few months though. When I collected him on Monday I noticed the childminder had a cold sore. Now he has what looks like a cold sore forming on his top lip. I am so upset. He will have this recurring for life and it must only be from her or her kids because lockdown means this is the only other family he has seen. I feel like taking him out of her care because the hygiene is clearly not good enough and she should have let us know so we made a choice to expose him or not. We would have still paid the bill. AIBU to say he won't be going back there?

OP posts:
MacDuffsMuff · 12/02/2021 11:03

@Greendoonan

YANBU. She’s infected your child with herpes. People have been convicted of GBH for knowingly infecting someone with genital herpes. I don’t see how this is any different.
This is the most ridiculous comment I've ever seen on MN in the last 15 years. Well done.
mumboss1984 · 12/02/2021 11:04

I can’t quite believe what I am reading.

SoulofanAggron · 12/02/2021 11:05

YANBU I would be upset and a bit put off that place too, as as you say it sounds like things haven't been hygeinic.

I would change childminders.

I wouldn'tve expected her to tell me if she had a cold sore, but I would just see it as a bad sign and not feel I wanted my kid there again.

Just my thoughts.

Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 11:07

I can’t believe these comments, I would absolutely be upset, it is the herpes virus, I would be extremely upset, you can tell the ones who get cold sores on this thread! I am shocked they would not be upset if their own child got it though 🤔

eczemagate · 12/02/2021 11:11

Sorry but lol to all the "my mum has them and is so careful we never got them" comments. You probably do carry the virus but have never had one yet!

CakeRequired · 12/02/2021 11:11

You're totally right op, it could kill him. Of course so could car journeys, so stop using your car and never ever leave the house again, you don't know if the drivers are drunk or not paying attention.

Go and quit your job now and become a full time mum at home. Never leave the house, stay indoors all the time and make sure to use new bubble wrap every day on your child. Oh don't take him to school either, he could catch flu, meningitis, any kind of disease and die as well. Just keep him safe indoors, no education, no friends, nothing.

Or you could go see a doctor about your anxiety. Seems more sensible, but...

Username12353784 · 12/02/2021 11:11

I always thought catching a cold sore was from very close contact and not from picking it up form surfaces? It’s not very likely the childminder is getting very close (as in skin to skin) with your child (especially with social distancing atm) so maybe it’s a coincidence? Or maybe your child hasn’t even got one. Could be something else.

Someone in my family got them and no one else ever caught them - not even his wife (no idea where he caught it from but he suffered with them since childhood).

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 12/02/2021 11:12

I would definitely be upset if my kids got them. They are horrible to have. But I also recognise that the science says that whether they get them is down to luck. We are all very likely to get the herpes virus but only a small proportion will end up with coldsores. That is not due to hygiene or an unhealthy lifestyle as has been suggested.

mcmooberry · 12/02/2021 11:13

I wouldn't be happy either. Cold sores are very unsightly and can be painful, would not want my child to have them if it could be avoided.

eczemagate · 12/02/2021 11:13

From NHS website:

"Most people are exposed to the virus when they're young after close skin to skin contact, such as kissing, with someone who has a cold sore.
It does not usually cause any symptoms until you're older. You will not know if it's in your skin unless you get a cold sore."

eczemagate · 12/02/2021 11:14

@eczemagate

From NHS website:

"Most people are exposed to the virus when they're young after close skin to skin contact, such as kissing, with someone who has a cold sore.
It does not usually cause any symptoms until you're older. You will not know if it's in your skin unless you get a cold sore."

Posted too soon. It's more likely OP or DP have the virus and passed it on.
Oooohbehave · 12/02/2021 11:18

Bloody hell, it's a coldsore not the bubonic plague Hmm. YABVVU

FADHD · 12/02/2021 11:18

The people saying ‘my mum had them and I don’t get them because of her amazing super duper hygiene’ is it not just as likely to be down to luck that you’re a carrier but don’t present symptoms?

saffire · 12/02/2021 11:18

Has she been kissing him? My mum and nan both got them and my dad and I never have...

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 12/02/2021 11:18

Urgh that's rank, I'd so angry!

huggzy · 12/02/2021 11:20

I'd be upset too. One of my friends gets them, usually several at the same time, and they make her really poorly. I wouldn't want my child to go through that.

It doesn't necessarily mean the childminder isn't following hygiene practices though, she could have been really careful and still passed it to him.

thewisestfallobscenely · 12/02/2021 11:21

It always seems pretty random to me who gets them. I've had them badly since I was a small baby but I have a twin brother who I shared a cot with, cutlery, bottles etc. who has never had one in his life. There's no way he wasn't exposed to it. Similarly my mum gets them and is the middle of 5 but the only one who's had them as an adult and one of them has never had them. It could be from someone else and not the childminder at all.

Bleepers · 12/02/2021 11:25

Are coldsores a sign of poor hygiene? I don't think they are. I can see why you're upset but you're still being unreasonable.

Oooohbehave · 12/02/2021 11:28

@Bleepers

Are coldsores a sign of poor hygiene? I don't think they are. I can see why you're upset but you're still being unreasonable.
No they're not. Some people are just hysterical.
WombatChocolate · 12/02/2021 11:30

I feel really uncomfortable at the levels of upset against the childminder here and the suggestions she has been negligent, based on zero information.

These things remind me of a witch hunt. For a start, we don’t know he has caught a cold sore from her...loads of people have mentioned other ways he is quite likely to have got it. Plus, there are all these suggestions of lack of hygiene or not managing the children properly or kissing him....none based on any evidence. And most importantly, no seeming ability to accept that there is always a level of risk when you send your child into the world...of illness of all types, accident etc etc and that things happen and there doesn’t always have to be someone to blame...it’s just life.

I suppose it’s a type of parent...who always wants someone to blame for everything and who doesn’t just accept that sometimes things happen and it’s really not anyone’s fault.

As I mentioned earlier, Op has spotted the CM had a cold sore. However she didn’t choose to have a word about her concerns or to remove her child from the situation, which given her seeming excessive fear of cold sores, seems surprising. And now the anger at the CM, from both the Op and a load of strangers too....I just find it all very odd and worrying.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 12/02/2021 11:30

90% of the population have herpes simplex. All these people whose mums 'didn't pass it on thanks to great hygiene' - she did, you've just never had a flare up.

I am super, super careful around both DS and DP when I get them but given we live in the same house and that the virus is active before the break out, it is ridiculous for me to assume they haven't been exposed.

OP, I get that it's upsetting, I really do. The very bad cases are incredibly rare though so I think you do need to get that anxiety under control. If you want a CM to give you a choice of sending a child in or not when they have a cold sore then that's something you'd have to address ahead of time. Most parents use CMs to cover work and would take a very dim view indeed of getting a phone call at 720 saying the service was closed because of a cold sore... so you can see that your way of handling things is quite different to the norm and not something your cm would have been able to predict.

DailyCandy · 12/02/2021 11:33

Not sure you can give it to a child that age, but taking Lysine is good for cold sores. Can stop them dead in their tracks.

bigbird1969 · 12/02/2021 11:34

To be honest I would be very upset if my DC developed a cold sore when under someone elses care. As someone who has suffered cold sores since a child they truly are horrendous. I have scars around my mouth due to them. I have 4 DC and have ensured not one of them have ever got a cold sore from me.

You should wait and see if your DC does have a cold sore before doing anything about it.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 12/02/2021 11:35

My father has always had cold sores he is 86 , not blind or any brain damage.

If you are happy in other ways i would leave him there. I had to report a CM who left baby she minded in a pushchair in her kitchen whilst she did school run if it was raining.

LittleGwyneth · 12/02/2021 11:36

If you were that worried about it, why did you continue to use said childminder after noticing that she had a cold sore?

As lots of people have said, the majority of adults have the virus, he would probably have picked it up from somewhere eventually, and there's no reason to believe that it was the childminder rather than anyone else.

If you don't like your CM, find another one, but don't obsess over this.

Also the body learns to fight the virus so it's entirely possible that he won't have another cold sore in his life, or that he'll get them every ten years. If you're really worried about it, have a look at what supplements are suitable for children (l-lysine gets good reviews for adults, not sure if it's permitted for kids).