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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say to the childminder

468 replies

Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 08:43

I just don't know what to do... myself partner and DS1 have never ever ever suffered from a cold sore. My DS2 has been going to a childminder for a few months though. When I collected him on Monday I noticed the childminder had a cold sore. Now he has what looks like a cold sore forming on his top lip. I am so upset. He will have this recurring for life and it must only be from her or her kids because lockdown means this is the only other family he has seen. I feel like taking him out of her care because the hygiene is clearly not good enough and she should have let us know so we made a choice to expose him or not. We would have still paid the bill. AIBU to say he won't be going back there?

OP posts:
Rhiannon13 · 12/02/2021 12:51

Far too many on this thread acting like it’s no big deal when it’s actually rank.

I rest my case. It's so embarrassing having a cold sore when people feel like this about them. Affected my confidence hugely when I was a teenager.

Hoowhoowho · 12/02/2021 12:54

If your son has a cold sore, he has had the virus for a while. A cold sore is not the first episode so therefore he could have caught it from the childminder or from any one of the 60% of the adult population who carry this virus but he didn’t catch it recently.

2020iscancelled · 12/02/2021 12:59

YAB massively unreasonable

I appreciate it must feel a bit upsetting but as a PP has said, the majority of people carry the herpes virus.

The way you have spoken about the childminder is frankly disgusting - if you’ve entrusted your child into her care and never had an issue before then you are wrong to now say because of a coldsore she is a filthy incompetent carer.

2020iscancelled · 12/02/2021 13:00

@Rhiannon13

Far too many on this thread acting like it’s no big deal when it’s actually rank.

I rest my case. It's so embarrassing having a cold sore when people feel like this about them. Affected my confidence hugely when I was a teenager.

I had a friend who suffered terribly, I don’t remember us being that bothered as her friendship group but I know she struggled with boys and with confidence.

I’m sorry it’s such a shitty attitude towards a very common and normal condition

Whattodo1610 · 12/02/2021 13:04

No from ... read all of OP’s posts correctly ... childminder has cold sore, ds has what appears to be a cold sore, then cm children might have a cold sore, then childminder has what looks like a cold sore ...

NO evidence at all that anyone has an actual cold sore. None.

ladyflower23 · 12/02/2021 13:07

For those saying they'd be furious and it's a lifelong condition, yes it is, but its not like you catch it and then have a permanent coldsore on your face. They happen periodically but most of the time you walk around like a normal person.

Original poster
Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 13:08

Thank you everyone that has shown kindness in their responses. By that, I don't just mean people who have agreed with me. Thank you for suggesting l lysine and aciclovir. Thank you also to those who have kindly encouraged me to put it in perspective. Of course, much worse things can happen and I am by no means belittling the awful experiences people go through with their children's health.

I am not heartbroken, I am not furious with anyone. I am just upset that my son now has an incurable disease. It doesn't really matter that 60 or 90 or whatever percent of people have it. He now seems to have it when before he didn't seem to have it.

I am far from prejudiced, but (like some of you who have experienced herpes remember) know how cruel other people can be especially through teenagehood. Those of you that suffer but claim it's no big deal, I bet you avoid trying to pass it onto others when you have a flare up. You must therefore realise it is unpleasant to some degree otherwise why not spread it to all and sundry?

I couldn't find any evidence that a cold sore appears as a reactivation of the virus or anything like that. So I have no reason to think he already had the virus. But, like a lot of you have pointed out, I'm no virologist Grin

OP posts:
PricklesAndSpikes · 12/02/2021 13:09

@Toilenstripes
They might be a normal part of your life but trust me not for me or anyone I know. 🤨 Far too many on this thread acting like it’s no big deal when it’s actually rank.

Well, you're just lovely aren't you? Are you seriously calling someone, who through no fault of their own may suffer from cold sores "rank"? Are you one of those that also think people who get spots are either dirty or eat too much chocolate? You're the reason kids get bullied at school (and out of it into adult life for that matter) for something out of their control.

MadameButterface · 12/02/2021 13:10

They might be a normal part of your life but trust me not for me or anyone I know. 🤨 Far too many on this thread acting like it’s no big deal when it’s actually rank.

this is such a shitty attitude and I am sorry to those on this thread who suffer from cold sores who must feel like utter dogshit reading drivel like this. cold sores are normal, just like any other illness. you don't have to like them or go around licking doorknobs, but you can avoid stigmatising people suffering from them and using shaming language towards them. I'm not particularly thrilled about having a mental illness, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else but that doesn't mean I should be stigmatised and shamed for it; those of us who've evolved from the victorian era know that no one suffering from a very common health condition deserves to be called 'rank'. have a fucking word with yourself.

Derbee · 12/02/2021 13:12

@Hyggemama just out of interest, what university course has made you so irrationally terrified of cold sores, without you also being aware that almost 70% of the worlds population carries the HSV-1 virus?

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 12/02/2021 13:12

Calling it an incurable disease might be technically factual but it's also ridiculously dramatic. For all you know, he may never ever had a cold sore again in his life. Your perspective on this is very, very unusual.

Ivy455 · 12/02/2021 13:14

Wow, some of the responses on this thread are harsh!

I completely understand why you're upset OP> I'd be gutted if my child caught a cold sore, knowing it will affect them for life.

However I don't think I would stop sending them to the child minders because of it. It could just as easily be picked up at school. I do think that she should have maybe mentioned it to you or told her children to be careful when they're having a flare up though (although depends how old the kids are I suppose).

Blindstupid · 12/02/2021 13:14

When my dc got chicken pox ... who should I blame?
When my dc got pneumonia ... who should I blame?
When my dc got conjunctivitis ... who should I blame?
When my dc got chest infections ... who should I blame?
When my dc got German measles. ... who should I blame?

You don’t always have to blame someone for viruses! And you still have no evidence to say your ds actually has a cold sore or even that your childminder actually has a cold sore.

Whattodo1610 · 12/02/2021 13:17

Incurable disease?! GET A GRIP OP!
Your son is not dying .. do not be dramatic!

You still don’t even know he actually has a cold sore ... you’ve only said ‘what looks like’ a cold sore.

Original poster
Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 13:19

@Derbee I'm not going to share irrelevant details like my uni course. But can say I'm not irrationally scared. I am not fearful for his life. Of course there are much more dangerous things than a cold sore. My point was that she should've let me know. And I am upset, not for fear that he might get HSE, but that he will have to live with this now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 13:19

Thank you @iv

OP posts:
Original poster
Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 13:20

@Ivy455

OP posts:
toocold54 · 12/02/2021 13:20

I wouldn't bother, you'll just get called hysterical because we should be completely fine with our kids being infected with herpes

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty You do realise there is a massive chance you have the herpes virus don't you? Just because you don't have cold sores doesn't mean you don't have it.

CharlieParley · 12/02/2021 13:22

@Greendoonan

I love how people are minimising this by saying it’s just a coldsore. The child has been infected with herpes. HERPES! It’s not a minor thing.
Herpes Simplex to be precise. Present in 66% to 90% of all people (depending on what research you look at). The vast majority either never have any symptoms at all, because the virus remains dormant throughout their lives or one outbreak and then the virus goes dormant for the rest of their lives.

In those who have more than one outbreak, this occurs as a cluster of blisters on the lip, which may or may not be painful. Most sufferers describe it as itching. The risk of anything worse than that occurring is 1 in about 60 million.

You cannot prevent infection. If your family members have cold sores, you are much more likely to carry the virus in its dormant state than it is that you have not been infected.

You cannot prevent infection with Herpes Simplex Type 1, but you can reduce the risk. Symptoms, if any ever arise are neither life-threatening nor debilitating in 99.99999% of cases.

Original poster
Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 13:23

@Rhiannon13

Far too many on this thread acting like it’s no big deal when it’s actually rank.

I rest my case. It's so embarrassing having a cold sore when people feel like this about them. Affected my confidence hugely when I was a teenager.

Yes @Rhiannon13 it is so sad that people still have opinions like this. Especially when, as is clear from this, you can't "blame" someone for contracting it.
OP posts:
ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 12/02/2021 13:23

In understand that you’re upset- I would be too if this happened to one of mine when they were babies especially but I don’t think it’s fair to assume it’s caused by poor hygiene- they’re very easy to spread around. I’d hope if your child caught head lice or conjunctivitis or similar you wouldn’t assume it was because the childminder was a filthy mare. Has your child caught many bugs while in the care of the CM?

Hope the baby isn’t suffering too much with it I know they can serious- a school mum I know had a newborn girl who caught a cold sore from somewhere within days of coming home from the hospital and was very ill initially. Until then I didn’t know how serious they could be for babies.

MacDuffsMuff · 12/02/2021 13:26

Yes @Rhiannon13 it is so sad that people still have opinions like this. Especially when, as is clear from this, you can't "blame" someone for contracting it.

So what was the point in posting this at all @Hyggemama? You don't want other opinions, you just want someone to blame. Why not just say that?

MrMeSeeks · 12/02/2021 13:27

Yes op take him out, also do not let him in school, you never know what he may pick up there!Hmm
Take him out, for the childminder’s sake

Oh, as a person who has never had a cold sore, i still do not think they are ‘rank’ are you twelve?)

oakleaffy · 12/02/2021 13:27

@Hyggemama

Really?! The virus can cause blindness / brain damage and will be with him for life.
Cold sore viruses are very easily spread. You will never be able to lock children away for ever. Kids just DO put things in their mouths, lick fingers, touch things. I saw an older child in Waitrose recently picking up tubs of ice cream, licking them, and putting them back. Staff were wary of intervening. Kids {including yours} just spread bacteria and viruses.It's a fact of life.

Maybe get Zovirax to put on the sore your child has?

Kids are germy blighters.

MrMeSeeks · 12/02/2021 13:28

My point was that she should've let me know. And I am upset, not for fear that he might get HSE, but that he will have to live with this now

No, she does not need to let you know Confused
Will you expect teachers, parents of school friends to let you know?