To feel possessive over nice food items

[WellPlayed]

I know I probably am but it is really getting to me that I buy decent food and it is being devoured without a second thought to the quality and cost by DP. It doesn't touch the sides with him. A mountain of peanut butter in a snack sandwich, almost a pack of ham in a one go, chocolate eaten in one sitting, a think covering of jam on toast with a slab of butter underneath. I know I'm jealous as I'm calorie counting. But when I go to have a small treat from these items and find them gone or almost finished it annoys me. I feel it is a bit petty to buy cheaper versions for him but I don't actually know that he'll care or notice. AIBU?

You could get hyper-organised and place meal-planned ingredients into labelled boxes; one set for each day in the fridge, a matching set for non-chilled.

Have a box each for treat food too.

Then anything not in a box is fair game. (Usual caveats about replacing finished milk, bread etc.)

The fact he argues with you when you raise this issue seems a bit of a red flag though. Especially combined with the fact you're paying far more than your fair share (which is less than half, given income).

Is it just that he thinks you're making an issue of nothing (or of something that could be made nothing by you not buying such fancy stuff, or by hiding it)?

Or does he make a habit of bullying you into subsidising him, or doing what he wants, by creating a mood of threatened conflict? Why would 'him arguing' be something to avoid? Surely you'd argue back and make your case? If him getting angry is something you constantly tiptoe around (and actively disadvantage yourself) to avoid, you need to take a long, hard look at your relationship.

I hide stuff. Otherwise DH and the kids eat it all.

If he is paying for it, put a stash of your own aside, away from him.
Men can eat a lot of calories, as they have greater need of them than women do.

{Unless Breast feeding, when calorie need is much higher}

Active men can eat shedloads and still be slender as greyhounds.
Lucky them!

Gosh - I am astonished at this thread -

I think if you have to hide food in your own house - well that's a bit weird so for for e.g. Tuesday's dinner not to be touched ( but I accept it needs people to know ) If it is just general snacks etc - then surely most people could say - there are only so many of these things left - can I have one and certainly - it's the last one - anyone mind if I have it? That is surely basic politeness,

So huge amounts of cheese - when someone else might like some - again - ask if anyone else wants so. If someone is eating because they are genuinely hungry - then buy stuff & say - help yourself to x y z at will but a b c are for sharing or for meals.

I genuinely don't understand some people's behaviour

I don't think you're bu. It's like that in my house too. Dh eats it because it's there and he "forgets." But I do all the food shopping and meal plan as finances are tight. It's annoying if he cooks as he'll make a pizza and put it with chicken nuggets but I would make that as 2 separate meals (pizza with salad and chicken nuggets with mash and peas.) Dh is just a bit thoughtless about it. He can eat loads and never put weight on but I have to exercise moreself control. If there's something I want then I hide it. It's the only way I can guarantee I get some. That aside, Dh is lovely and makes up for it in lots of other ways.

@WellPlayed

We have a joint account which we both contribute equally too. But that money runs out fast and as I do the majority(all!) of the food shopping I end up topping it up and I can't really reclaim the money as then we have none for the next month. Asking for money from him leads to arguements so I don't bother. Ham etc is expensive. To clarify the peanut butter, we have the same as our baby except crunchy instead of smooth. I guess for me it is actually the consideration. I buy him treats because I care, he eats my treats because he doesn't. I don't expect him to mind read. The issue has been discussed in the past, nothing changes. And people start threads about all sorts of things, sometimes, it helps with the realisation of what actual issues there are and what isn't an issue.

A couple of immediate things to try.

Stop buying him treats. Buy your own treats and hide them. Buy an extra cheap loaf or value crisps instead and tell him he'll have to fill up on those or go shopping himself.

Tell him you need to put more in the joint account. Don't ask, say there's not enough going in to cover food costs.

I end up topping it up and I can't really reclaim the money as then we have none for the next month. Asking for money from him leads to arguements

Why are you having to ask your life partner for money and why is he arguing about it?
The conversation goes 'The joint account needs adjusting because we currently put £x into it and food comes to £y a month.' You sort it out between you.
He sounds controlling, not you.

I think this is about the consideration he's showing you. He probably should put in more to the joint account to cover the actual cost of food. Also could he do a snack run for himself? And keep a box somewhere?

I'd also think you need to reflect on what you are actually annoyed about here.

If anyone eats the gourmet popcorn i have stashed away for the weekend there’ll be hell to pay. I’m trying to lose weight and it’s my only treat 😭

YANBU

Hehe I could have written this post. My husband does the same!

I now keep a few things hidden for myself.

What annoys me more is that he will eat things and be like "nahhh didn't like it that much" but will then proceed to eat a whole box/packet and I'm like FFS.

Or I'll make a batch of cookies and he will eat over half of them (he doesn't cook at all and there are 4 of us!!)

Super irritating. If he didn't make lovely babies I'd divorce him

I know exactly how you feel op.

At the end of the day after getting the toddler to sleep and tidying up I look forward to a little treat. The number of times I have gone to get something and found it gone - so frustrating. I think what makes it worse is that my husband will even say it didn't touch the sides and it was wasted on him. We have plenty of other snacks and chocolates in (even types just for him that he knows I don't like) yet he will go for my stuff first and worst of all not leave any for me.

With lockdown I am not getting out much to the shops so maybe that has made it seem worse as I can't replace stuff until the next shopping delivery.

Seems a petty thing to get upset about but at the moment little treats are so important at the moment (to me anyway!)

Actually I think you need to be much more controlling, of your expenditure. Stop over-spending and subsidising the family pot. Switch the milk and bread delivery to the joint account. Stick to your budget.

If either of you wants extra treats, you either buy and eat them yourselves, or you increase your joint budget.

At the moment, he doesn't know what the budget covers and what it doesn't, so what the amount he's paying actually buys him.

@clockstopper

It sounds like you have a very unhealthy relationship with food. Do excuse me whilst I get my biscuits from the back if the wardrobe

I have several hiding places. Yes it's absolutely ridiculous to have to hide normal foodstuffs from another adult (DH) and my 17 year old DS but if I don't put things in the cupboards in stages then there's nothing left by Tuesday. We've argued about this many times and it makes no difference. We get the shopping on a Saturday and I don't buy loads of 'treat' foods but what I do buy, I would like to last the week and for DD and me to be able to actually have some of it too. Works for us.

I feel this way with my DP and wine.

I hate sharing wine with him because he will just drink a glass or 2 as if it's water and then move onto beer. I feel like it's such a waste! Just have the beer if that's how you feel, let me enjoy the wine properly .

I do completely get it re food. During first lockdown I had to speak to DP about it because he was literally eating all the 'treats' for a week in 2 or 3 days and then going out to buy more, it was costing us a bomb.

It's really frustrating when people don't either make stuff last OR accept that once they've eaten it it's gone until the next shop.

I get where you're coming from, if they are hungry that's fair, large appetite also fair. But....

My DH will also devour whatever is available in huge quantities without any consideration of the cost or the taste.

So he will snack on slices of ham, from the paper straight into his mouth. Not cheap ham but expensive roast ham off the bone, four quid's worth before he has removed his head from the fridge. That ham would have been lovely for two people on a salad with chips or potatoes as a main meal.

Those deli baby peppers stuffed with feta, the whole tub whilst staring at his laptop.

Mixed nuts that I buy to sprinkle on porridge, he can do a jam jar full in a week just grabbing a handful here and there.

Today I got fillet steak out of the freezer for tea, he wanted a rib-eye and asked if I could get one from the farm shop whilst I was there. Sure, no problem, went to put the fillet back in the freezer and he said "don't put that away, I'll have that as well".

FFS.

Make the expensive stuff you like harder to find. Buy more cheap stuff that he would buy himself and store it prominently. I tuck away some things that I like to take a little of now and then & my DP would eat all at once. Likewise he does the same with things that he knows I'll tut over because they're (in my mind) unhealthy. It's no big deal or a secret, it just avoids us being irritated by each other.

And to be fair to people's 'greedy' DPs, men do on average need more calories a day than women. We shouldn't be eating the same amounts.

I hide packets of treats and ration them to my 16yo, as he will eat all of it on the first day otherwise. He is becoming more considerate as he gets older, but he would still eat what I consider to be too much if I made too much available. DH regulates himself, because he's an adult, and wouldn't guzzle all of something without offering it to anyone else.

I would struggle to like or respect a man who behaved like a selfish, greedy child!

@ScribblingPixie

And to be fair to people's 'greedy' DPs, men do on average need more calories a day than women. We shouldn't be eating the same amounts.

We don't eat the same amounts, he certainly eats more than I do at mealtimes. I still think that eating 3 kit kats and a cake in a day on top of that makes him a greedy bastard.

LTB

Would this help?

I still think that eating 3 kit kats and a cake in a day on top of that makes him a greedy bastard. grin

Can't argue with that grin grin grin

@PurpleDaisies, oops, i meant honey and butter

Definitely switch the bread and milk to the joint account.
Only buy the cheaper things on the joint account if it can’t afford enough of the more expensive things. This means top up shops too. If there isn’t any money left don’t buy more food (buy for you and the baby but hide it so he gets the message).
Buy your own treats from your money (don’t buy him any either from the joint account or your own money) and tell him you have done so and can he refrain from eating them.
Obviously tell him this is what is happening, you aren’t asking for more money so it shouldn’t cause an argument. He can then buy his own treats and if he takes yours you can legitimately kick off. I don’t think you can complain about him eating food that is from the joint account or that perhaps he doesn’t see as you having paid for, I don’t think we should have to ration ourselves to the one with the smallest appetite.