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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel possessive over nice food items

178 replies

WellPlayed · 12/02/2021 08:24

I know I probably am but it is really getting to me that I buy decent food and it is being devoured without a second thought to the quality and cost by DP. It doesn't touch the sides with him. A mountain of peanut butter in a snack sandwich, almost a pack of ham in a one go, chocolate eaten in one sitting, a think covering of jam on toast with a slab of butter underneath. I know I'm jealous as I'm calorie counting. But when I go to have a small treat from these items and find them gone or almost finished it annoys me. I feel it is a bit petty to buy cheaper versions for him but I don't actually know that he'll care or notice. AIBU?

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 12/02/2021 12:52

So he wants to be able to eat whatever he wants but he also wants everything to be within a strict budget? He can’t have it both ways. Either he needs to contribute more money for food or he needs to be more mindful about what he eats.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/02/2021 12:54

The solution seems fairly obvious.

You say when he shops he buys the cheapest stuff. You want nicer things but he doesn't want to pay for them; asking him to results in an argument. He eats whatever is there, without paying much attention to what or whose it is.

From his pov you're complicating things and making a fuss. He just wants food, he doesn't care what quality and is not willing to pay extra for better. Yet you keep buying silly expensive stuff, putting it away with everything else, then seething because he eats it. How is he supposed to know which is what?

So, buy cheap stuff as family food. Hide your treats. Done!

Hide the baby's special stuff too. 'Hide' could just mean 'make less easy to find / not the first thing he comes across', by moving it to the back of the cupboard. Or have separate storage containers, marked with your and the baby's name. Or actually hide, if he'll just through your stuff after the other version's finished.

TheCatThatGotTheCream · 12/02/2021 12:55

No, I get it. My ex would inhale any expensive little gourmet item/treat I'd buy with the same gusto as he'd ram the equivalent Tesco value item down his gob. I'd then go to the fridge for said treat and it was either gone or their was only a scraping of it left. It was really annoying.

pictish · 12/02/2021 12:57

I’m going to be one of those boring, sanctimonious wankers and say that we have lost sight of what a portion of food is supposed to look like.
Dolloping out huge servings of food that don’t touch the sides is greed. It’s not a crime, it doesn’t make someone a horrible person...but it can be off-putting to see.
I’d be irritated by someone putting four sandwiches worth of filling into one. Easy when that person doesn’t do the shopping too. No skin off his nose for you to go and buy more.

ILoveShula · 12/02/2021 13:00

Butter and jam is just ridiculous. One or the other.

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2021 13:01

@ILoveShula

Butter and jam is just ridiculous. One or the other.
Philistine.
Xiaoxiong · 12/02/2021 13:02

If you don't earn the same you need to be paying into the joint account in proportion to your incomes - that is what "equal" should mean in this context.

For example, for some years before we got married I earned double what my now DH did. Every month we went through about £2k from the joint account (bills, food, joint meals etc). Because earned twice as much as he did, I put in £1300 and he put in £650. If we went into the overdraft I would put in £2 for every £1 he contributed.

I've got two primary aged DSs and I'm a little worried about the future! One already has an enormous appetite, though as skinny as a beanpole. I need to train them now never to finish a packet without leaving enough for the next person, and putting it on a shopping list to be replaced.

Itsjustmilk · 12/02/2021 13:02

What does he say when you talk to him about this OP? I assume you have as it clearly bothers you.

yvanka · 12/02/2021 13:03

Asking for money from him leads to arguements so I don't bother.

What do you mean by this?

You should both be putting more in the joint account if it's not covering your joint expenses. If he knows this is happening and is happy for you to continually buy his food out of your personal money then he's a dick.

sadpapercourtesan · 12/02/2021 13:04

@ILoveShula

Butter and jam is just ridiculous. One or the other.
Mrs Waterbury? Is that you?
DoItYourselfNeverHappensAtOurs · 12/02/2021 13:05

Butter and jam is amazing.

Especially real butter and Bonne Maman apricot jam.

[awaits frothing]

thefirstmrsrochester · 12/02/2021 13:06

I totally get you OP. I’m sick of buying plenty of food, including treats etc, to go round only to find that anything I might have been looking forward to has been hoovered up by DH and the DC within a day or two. Or that I can’t make the meals I had planned and shopped for because key ingredients have been scoffed. Life is shite enough with nothing to do and nowhere to go so I feel like a miserable cow for going on about it but it’s not rocket science that if there are 5 of us in the house and there are say 5 cakes, eating more than one of them means someone else is losing out on theirs. I wanted scrambled egg with salmon this morning. No eggs left anyway as DH used them all up over the course of 3 days, and no salmon as DD had it for breakfast, lunch and dinner on repeat until it was all gone. Inability to see that if they are using up everything themselves, someone else is left with the pedestrian stuff.

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2021 13:06

@DoItYourselfNeverHappensAtOurs

Butter and jam is amazing.

Especially real butter and Bonne Maman apricot jam.

[awaits frothing]

Yes! Especially on a scone.,.
Caspianberg · 12/02/2021 13:09

If you both have money in own accounts at the end of the Month, yet the joint is empty, the solution is not that you then just use yours for everything.
You need to sit down together and work out what you do need in account now.

Joint account currently has x amount. It’s always y amount short.
Between you work out of you can both afford y amount and then that needs to be moved over minimum, ideally with a little extra in case of emergency purchases. If y isn’t affordable then your partner needs to help work out how to reduce costs

ILoveShula · 12/02/2021 13:10

Not a philistine at all. If i went to the trouble of spreading a layer of delicious butter on toast, why would i ruin it by adding jam?

Jam on toast or better still marmalade is tasty. No need for the butter.

Honey does benefit from a scraping of jam.

DoItYourselfNeverHappensAtOurs · 12/02/2021 13:11

PurpleDaisies have you tried the Bonne maman chestnut jam? I have had that on scones (along with cream, the horror!) and it is just amazing.

mmmm...........

DoItYourselfNeverHappensAtOurs · 12/02/2021 13:13

I confess I am a bit of a philistine because my favourite Christmas morning breakfast is toast spread with butter, cheddar cheese, marmalade and decent ham.

My FIl used to have that and I was a little Hmm for years before trying it. It's amazing.

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2021 13:14

Not a philistine at all. If i went to the trouble of spreading a layer of delicious butter on toast, why would i ruin it by adding jam?

Because they’re delicious together, especially when the warm toast melts the butter.

Honey and jam are bizarre together.

@DoItYourselfNeverHappensAtOurs I have never heard of chestnut jam. That’s on the shopping list for next week...,

Shoxfordian · 12/02/2021 13:14

It sounds like you need to have a chat about finances, why do you buy all the food? It seems like you don’t buy enough if there isn’t any left for you and you know how much he eats

thecatsthecats · 12/02/2021 13:15

I absolutely hate seeing some special treat being used by someone to whom it's not special.

My personal favourite is Penrith fudge - unless someone thinks it's as amazing as I do, like fuck am I sharing, even if they only enjoy it a normal amount.

thelegohooverer · 12/02/2021 13:15

I can see from your posts that you’re getting to the heart of the issue because it’s really not about feeling possessive about certain foods. Sometimes it takes a while to unpick what’s really going on.

DoItYourselfNeverHappensAtOurs · 12/02/2021 13:15

It can be hard to find. (Although to be fair we live fairly rurally) I have been looking for it for a little while at our local Waitrose without success.

borntobequiet · 12/02/2021 13:16

I don’t understand this endless snacking. Eat proper meals and don’t eat in between them.

MmeCamenbert · 12/02/2021 13:16

I agree with the OP, I buy enough food for 5 to last a week, breakfasts, lunches (when kids are home) snacks and evening meals. It drives insane when DP cooks and uses 1 kilo of chicken breasts in one meal, or a packet of ham in 2 sandwiches, or he uses all my vegetables (Im veggie) and chucks them in a meaty dish so I can't eat them 🙁 It means that there isn't enough to last the week and we need to shop again when we shouldn't have to! I find myself saying I bought that for me or for a specific meal, and you can split that packet etc.......
For example last night I was doing burgers and salad for dinner, I popped out to collect our daughter, got home and he had cooked 4 steaks to eat with his 🍔 Aghhhhhh what a waste!

mopphead · 12/02/2021 13:16

Why is it normal to have to hide food from greedy and thoughtfulness DPs? I do it too, or I'd never get to eat anything nice. Depressing that it seems a shared problem.