Friend says boyfriend has been suspended for having a threesome

[radiateforme]

AIBU to think that there must be more to this? Friend phoned me because her partner has been suspended (he works in a professional job - think police). They have an open relationship and both sleep with other people. I have been considering having a threesome recently, or starting a fwb relationship, and am well and truly put off by this whole debacle! Apparently he disclosed to a colleague that he had a threesome before lockdown and this made its way to management and he's been suspended for this and this alone! Surely he is entitled to a private sex life? My friend knows I've posted this here and is also curious to know if he's hiding something from her... Thoughts? Is he lying?

@longwayoff

NEVER sleep with your boss's partner or family members. Twunk.

It's illegal to sleep with family members so that's good advice😂

@Monsterjam

Could be more to do with who is sharing this info with and them perhaps feeling uncomfortable rather than the act itself?

Yes, that was my first thought. A threesome, in and of itself, isn't a sackable offence.

Uniform on a swingers website? Or sex site.

Or

He's been arrested for using a sex worker and that's been flagged to his employer, who may not be employing people with records.

Has he bragged about it on SM? Did it involve colleagues? Was the person he told at work a woman who found the conversation uncomfortable and reported him?

Not enough info to form an opinion here, really.

My initial response was that he's lying and he's actually been suspended for something worse but probably linked (eg sexual harassment). Why anyone would want to discuss their sex life to that degree is literally beyond me? Who cares enough to want to hear about it, really?!!

It could be - if he's military it could be outside the rules, for example. I don't know if the police had anything similar but I would not be surprised..

I was once in the position of telling someone that if they carried on with their sexual antics, they might not be considered an appropriate person for sensitive work, and would therefore lose their job. Very embarrassing for me though I don't think the other person was bothered.

Abuse of position? One party is probably a person who he has met through his job,

firefighter, paramedic etc.

*the friends husband would be the firefighter etc

Or he's claimed that he's shagged his female boss in a threesome to somebody because she's pulled him up over something and he wanted to discredit her.

@Monsterjam

Could be more to do with who is sharing this info with and them perhaps feeling uncomfortable rather than the act itself?

Yes, this sounds like it could be the reason. If a colleague told me this I'd think ''do not tell me about this please''

I know of a few people who have been in trouble at work for sexual exploits.

In my experience it will be one of -
Some connection to work where they are not allowed personal connections. Eg a subordinate, a competitor where they suspect insider dealing, a customer where personal connections are not allowed, or a patient etc

Someone overheard that wasn't supposed to and complained because it's not appropriate for them to overhear. Eg pupil at school, patient at the doctor etc

It was in work time or using work resources eg he took pictures on a work phone, or it was on a work premises

Or probably most likely he was banging on about this to a colleague who didnt want to hear it, who doesnt want to talk about sex at work. Maybe they felt he was trying to pressure them to join in. Talking about sex to someone who really doesn't want to and giving graphic details etc is harassment.

@HelloThereMeHearties

Absolutely not true. Let's use the correct language.

"FORCED" sex is rape. Rape is obviously illegal.

And so is paying for sex from a prostitute.

The person selling the sex is NOT committing a crime however the person paying for it IS.

(1)
A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a)
A makes or promises payment for the sexual services of a prostitute (B),

Yes there's more to it. You have no way of knowing what, unless your friend discovers and/or tells you.

Of course he's entitled to a private sex life. However, it sounds like he chose not to keep it very private. If he were a primary teacher, for example, and word got out, parents may not be too happy. Particularly if it involved other staff members.

@sabrinathemiddleagewitch I thought exchanging money for sex was sadly legal in the UK? It's publically soliciting that is illegal.

Christ I Iive a sheltered life!

[quote sabrinathemiddleagewitch]@HelloThereMeHearties

Absolutely not true. Let's use the correct language.

"FORCED" sex is rape. Rape is obviously illegal.

And so is paying for sex from a prostitute.

The person selling the sex is NOT committing a crime however the person paying for it IS.

(1)
A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a)
A makes or promises payment for the sexual services of a prostitute (B),[/quote]
Well, you're wrong. You haven't read that page that you linked to well enough.

Here, Wikipedia explains it better. Paying for sex (that the person is not forced by someone else to have) is not illegal.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostitution_in_the_United_Kingdom

Unless you're in Northern Ireland. In GB, paying for sex is not illegal.

@sabrinathemiddleagewitch You missed half the sentence/paragraph you're quoting.

'A person (A) commits an offence if:

A makes or promises payment for the sexual services of a prostitute (B);
A third person (C) has engaged in exploitative conduct of a kind likely to induce or encourage B to provide the sexual offences for which A has made or promised payment; and
C engaged in that conduct for or in the expectation of gain for C or another person (apart from A or B).'

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/prostitution-and-exploitation-prostitution i.e. pimping is illegal.

Just tagging you here @sabrinathemiddleagewitch, as I forgot to.

You need to read that page more carefully. It's all about paying for sex where the person selling sex has been forced to do so by someone else.

Just paying for sex in GB is not illegal.

The section you linked to is literally called Paying for sexual services of a prostitute subjected to force etc.

and it states (you have to read up to (C), you can't miss a bit out)

(1)A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a)A makes or promises payment for the sexual services of a prostitute (B),
(b)a third person (C) has engaged in exploitative conduct of a kind likely to induce or encourage B to provide the sexual services for which A has made or promised payment, and
(c)C engaged in that conduct for or in the expectation of gain for C or another person (apart from A or B).

Agree with others that Sabrina is incorrect. It is legal to buy and sell sex. However, many of the acts that surround the sex industry are illegal (soliciting in a public place, kerb crawling, advertising in a public place, running or managing a brothel, renting premises to be used as a brothel, coercing/threatening someone into sex, trafficking etc etc).

I stand corrected in terms of the legality.

However... OP mentioned he works for "think police". Wether it is illegal or not.
I am pretty sure it would breach professional conduct to have paid for sex as a professional in those kind of roles. Was my point.

Agree with Redcurrantpuff - it's perfectly possible to sack in that situation. There must have been something done wrongly procedurally.

There's definitely more to this if he has been suspended. That usually implies that there is a reasonable degree of concern about potential future behaviour, or it's to protect the person from repercussions, although it is not a disciplinary sanction.

I think your friend should ask to see his letter of suspension, get him to contact the trade union right away, and check if there is legal cover on their house insurance because there are occasions they will cover the cost of any case - though you would have to have a reasonable chance of winning the case. He needs to be truthful with her, because it will all come out in the wash.

Ughhhhhh this has brought back memories of a former colleague i had who used to go on and on about being ‘into kink’ it used to make me feel really queasy especially as he looked like that bloke who used to shuffle on and go ‘milky milky’ on the mary whitehouse experience 🤢