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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is being shy something that needs to be changed?

127 replies

Daydreamermummy · 11/02/2021 17:23

I've just had my teenagers school report. Its all good. No complaints from subject teachers. His form tutor has only concentrated on him being quiet. Fair enough, he is quiet, so am I. I think she has pushed it too far by saying she is still hoping that she can change this. She said therefore she will be asking him more questions in PSCHE. My older children are all quiet, all hold down jobs etc. AIBU to think that you can't just change someone to not be shy and that it isn't always a negative thing?

OP posts:

Chocolatecake29 · 11/02/2021 17:26

YANBU at all.
I've always been quiet/shy. I'm massively introverted.

She absolutely has no right to change it about him.

Thelnebriati · 11/02/2021 17:27

Dragging a shy child into the limelight doesn't make them less shy. How does he feel about it?

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 11/02/2021 17:27

I bet your children are absolute goldmines of information. They’ll be taking in everything that goes on around them. As long as their shyness isn’t accompanied by anxiety so they are spending their time worrying, they will be just fine as quiet students and do very well.

RatherBeRiding · 11/02/2021 17:29

He's an introvert. Absolutely nothing wrong with that - I am a HUGE introvert. The only thing i have learned is how to interact in a social setting when it's necessary (weddings, work events) etc. But I still hate social gatherings and am always the first to leave.

It's part of who he is, and she is very wrong to try to change that about him.

NewMumma1819 · 11/02/2021 17:29

Agree with @Chocolatecake29. I was the same in school, certain teachers would always leave us quiet ones out when asking questions if they knew it made us feel uncomfortable, but others would pick on us deliberately! I'm not quite so introverted now but still more so than all of my friends.

FishWithoutABike · 11/02/2021 17:29

One persons out going is another persons annoying. Unless he is a quivering wreck (which would not be helped by asking him questions FFS) then he’s fine.

Aprilx · 11/02/2021 17:30

I was always shy as a child and am an introvert. I don’t think it is a personality flaw that needs fixing, but also I don’t think being shy has helped me in life and wouldn’t have minded somebody helping me to be less shy.

ChonkyChook · 11/02/2021 17:30

Shy - did she use that word? Shy for me is people who can't speak up when they need to, have no confidence in themselves. Usually get walked all over and get left out.

Quiet and introverted is absolutely fine. No one has to be loud or outgoing. Imagine the noise. My son is quiet, thinks before he speaks, there's not enough of them.

DingDongDenny · 11/02/2021 17:31

I think people mix up being shy with being introverted. You can be introverted and confident and I really wish people would appreciate the attributes of introverts more. My DH and many of my friends are self-described introverts and I really value the very thoughtful conversations I have with them

Being shy is different, I was shy as a child and its feels uncomfortable and made me sad sometimes. I was glad to grow out of it.

Original poster

Daydreamermummy · 11/02/2021 17:37

Thank you, I had spoken to my mum about it who said she was just making an observation so I didn't know if I was being unreasonable. I just didn't like it when she said she was still hoping he will change this.

@ChonkyChook no she didn't use the word shy. She said quiet. I'm just quiet and used to people always saying I'm shy as though its a negative.

OP posts:

ragged · 11/02/2021 17:38

I have mixed feelings, and I say this as someone who is very diffident.

I know people who threw hands up in air when their children were small, saying "They don't like busy places or loud noises" It turned into a life-limiting situation. They never taught their children resilience to be outside their comfort zone.

That's what I hear OP saying, that there's no skill to be gained by being able to be outgoing when it might be convenient or helpful to oneself. I think that is a skill worth acquiring.

Nutrigrainygoodness · 11/02/2021 17:40

I was really shy at school right from reception to leaving Yr 11. I think it worse that I was just mediocre at everything- I never excelled in any lesson. The teachers only seemed to push the kids that were either behind or ahead.
When I went to college I was alot better, because I was doing what I wanted to do.
Then I had dd and really came out of myself.
I'm nearly 30, and you wouldn't know I was the painfully shy kid at school. I'm still quite introverted at times- but I will ask for help in shops and make phone calls unlike before when everything was done via email or not done at all.

mootymoo · 11/02/2021 17:41

Being quiet/shy is not a problem unless it's hindering his education because he won't speak up in front of others - group work which is common these days, even at university level can be difficult if they cannot interact equally. We've had lots of problems!

Biker47 · 11/02/2021 17:42

Every one of my school reports said that I was quiet, because I was, seems like teachers to this day are still treating it as a negative trait.

Newgirls · 11/02/2021 17:43

I imagine it was said for a reason. Perhaps he doesn’t ask questions that would help with his learning/understanding. Perhaps he doesn’t get to take the lead in activities were his input or leadership would be valued? Perhaps he’s very bright and the teacher wishes he’d join in more? In these cases he might be missing out so being encouraged to speak out might benefit him.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/02/2021 17:44

It does depend. Is 'quiet' teacher language for something more negative? A bit like 'spirited'.

ChonkyChook · 11/02/2021 17:44

@Daydreamermummy

@ChonkyChook no she didn't use the word shy. She said quiet. I'm just quiet and used to people always saying I'm shy as though its a negative.

You know him best. Is he just quiet, or does he struggle?

I know teens often get accused of communicating by grunting but can he handle being introduced to some new people? Can he say excuse me on the bus and not miss his stop because he was in the window seat with someone he didn't know in the aisle? If he lost his train ticket and had no phone credit could he go to a member of staff for help?

My teen is quiet too, but he can deal with life in an age appropriate way so he can crack on how he likes.

If this teacher starts going at him too hard tell him to let you know, then you can call her and ask her to tone it down if it's too much for him.

Original poster

Daydreamermummy · 11/02/2021 17:46

@ragged I'm a very relaxed mum. I have a large family. He is heavily involved in gymnastics and competes in competitions. He has lots of friends, he is just naturally quiet and happy to be that way. His dad is an extrovert, I just think he takes after me.

OP posts:

Trinacham · 11/02/2021 17:47

YANBU
I had this all throughout my school life. It was always brought up at parents' meetings - she's shy, she's quiet. My parents would always say, well so are we.. what a surprise! My siblings were quiet too (I probably was the most!)
I had counselling. It was pointless. The Counsellor said to me it was like talking to a 2 year old (because I'd give one answer responses) so as you can imagine my self confidence didn't get any better. I was assessed for being on the autistic spectrum. Found out I didn't have that but more likely had social anxiety.
I'm 30 now and still shy and quiet. Does it bother me? No. I'm happily married and in a career that I enjoy, the job I've held for 11 years.
Shyness is not something that needs changing. It's a personality!

bloodyhairy · 11/02/2021 17:47

Does she mean 'change it' in relation to his participation in lessons? If so, that's fair enough, as he still should take part.
I don't think she meant that she would be looking to change his personality exactly!
Anyway, give me a shyer child over a really bold, precocious one any day of the week

WonderingIf38 · 11/02/2021 17:48

Yanbu in the slightest. I really think being introverted is nothing to be ashamed of and I love quiet people.

My workplace tried to change me and put me down for being quiet and reserved. What they didn't realise is I'd fight against that. Everyone has a right to be who they are including your ds.

itispersonal · 11/02/2021 17:48

I am terribly shy but would like not to be. Not all shy people are introverts. I would give my left arm to be an extrovert.

Original poster

Daydreamermummy · 11/02/2021 17:49

This comment was from his tutor. None of his subject teachers wrote anything negative. They said he works well in a group etc. He is very academic so it isn't affecting his education.

OP posts:

Icenii · 11/02/2021 17:49

I spent years feeling like I had a personality fault because of the focus on how quiet I was. I still am. But I ve done well and its a part of who I am. And I am perfectly fine. Yes, I'm not good at small talk etc but we can't be good at everything right?

It was the focus on how quiet I am rather than the being the quiet that created issues for me thinking I wasn't good enough and had to change.

Greendoonan · 11/02/2021 17:50

You can be quiet and introverted but still be confident and assertive. I don’t see any problem with being quiet but if it’s accompanied by a lack of confidence and assertiveness then that needs to be addressed.

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