Is being shy something that needs to be changed?

[Daydreamermummy]

I've just had my teenagers school report. Its all good. No complaints from subject teachers. His form tutor has only concentrated on him being quiet. Fair enough, he is quiet, so am I. I think she has pushed it too far by saying she is still hoping that she can change this. She said therefore she will be asking him more questions in PSCHE. My older children are all quiet, all hold down jobs etc. AIBU to think that you can't just change someone to not be shy and that it isn't always a negative thing?

Poor kid.
I'd email her & say that you know he's quiet, just like his siblings, but that putting him on the spot is only going to out him off learning & make him unhappy do please desist from trying to change who he is.

As long as he's quiet, not rude, then she needs to leave him be!

I have mixed feelings too. I wish I had been better at feeling confident talking in 'formal groups'. I always knew the answers to questions my A-level english teacher asked, but never had the confidence to say them, even if she asked me directly. I would just stay silent. I know that my self-consciousness about this at work has held me back, as I rarely speak in meetings. If the teacher can give him practice at this so that he gets more experienced and used to it, that will be a great asset later on.

One of my sisters was like this. She is still now painfully shy as an adult and I think it's become a self fulfilling prophecy. All through her life, especially through school, people only saw her shyness and it was commented on constantly. When she went to work, it was the same thing. She has many lovely traits yet people are obsessed with her shyness as if it's all she is.
Nobody can change who they are and a quieter person brings a lot to relationships and a group. For example, my sister is very thoughtful and self aware and always has good advice.
Don't let your son change who he is, he sounds lovely.

But it depends how she does it I suppose. If done insensitively it could be counter-productive.

I was quiet at school, I would say I was shy at primary and then more quiet at secondary. Do I wish I hadn't been? Maybe. Could a teacher have stopped it? No

Teachers would say dish is very quiet she should speak up more in class, but if Id wanted to answer their questions I would have done. I just didn't need to.

I'm not exactly an introvert, I'm just quiet. As an adult I have lots of friends, a good job and I get on well with people. And tbh when I think back to all the teachers who called me quiet I just think they didn't really know me at all or get me as a child. I didn't need someone to push me out of my shell in a classroom situation, it was that that made me anxious and shy, I was anxious of being made to feel uncomfortable all the time. As soon as I wasnt being forced by someone I no longer felt anxious in social situations.

I am very shy by nature and I have had to learn to fake not being so. It makes me laugh that feedback professionally is always that I am calm (I am not, I am a walking heap of gnawing anxiety who wakes at 3am to panic), confident (I am not remotely confident and always feel on the cusp of being sacked and struck off) and excellent with people (people terrify me and I have cried before at the prospect of having to do social things). But I have learned to appear to be all those things. It has helped a lot: if I went with my instincts I would have so much less of a life. Fake it til you make it is the mantra I live by when it comes to overcoming the shyness.

I was both quiet and shy as a child. I hated interacting with new people, in groups, being asked questions in class. I do feel I missed out a lot of typical teenage fun because I was simply too shy to participate. Now, 30 years on, I'm still quiet but have got over the shyness. And that's partly practice, but also seeing that people with quiet confidence who speak their mind, both at work and in their personal lives, can be really effective.

I think I was more assertive and stubborn than teachers assumed as well

It used to frustrate me when a teacher would think they could 'cure' my quietness by making me answer more questions.I could always tell and it would piss me off and I'd be purposefully more quiet

YANBU

I’m introverted, not massively, and having adults try to bring me “out of my shell” made me insecure.

I would tell the teacher if she pushes DS she should also make any extroverts to be quiet during the lesson.

No!!! Shyness is not a character flaw.
My DD's teacher described her as 'painfully shy' , I had to correct her and ask - who is it painful for?
(The truth is, DD just doesn't like this teacher...)
File the report under 'irrelevant comment' and move on...

Sorry, posted too soon.

See what the teacher thinks about forcing every child to change their personality.

I would say two issues here- do they have self belief and inner confidence? If they do and just enjoy being quiet then tell them everyone is different and it’s OK to like quieter activities. In fact it’s best they know themselves and work to their strengths instead of trying to force themselves into a personality they weren’t meant to have. I know a few quiet people and they are so relaxing and easy to be around. They tend to be more loyal, better listeners and more understanding.

However, if hehas low self esteem, doesn’t like herself, is afraid to live or feels held back why not introduce some confidence building exercises, activities or videos. Has she been bullied? I wonder if she is quiet at school for a reason? There has never been a better time to be quiet! These days tech millionaires, geeks etc have made intelligence and quieter personalities more attractive and popular. There is plenty of room for him to shine!

I read a book by Sue Cairns called Quiet. In it she explains that being an introvert is choosing not to go to the party whereas being shy is wa longing to go but not being able to. One would concern me, the other would not. I highly recommend her book

He not she sorry

I think it depends if it’s a barrier to communication. If he doesn’t answer questions in class then it’s difficult from a teachers perspective to assess whether he’s understanding the subject. Can you imagine teaching a class of people who won’t contribute ? It also places the onus on other people to do the heavy lifting as far as conversation goes. If you’d always “ rather just listen” then that can be really tedious. If he does answer in class but doesn’t do much chit chat then that’s a different kettle of fish. Of course some people are incredibly gregarious but actually most people sit in the middle of the spectrum - sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone either ( and I can be on my own quite happily for quite some time ) but I can switch it on when necessary.

It really annoys me that people see being quiet as 'wrong'.

I was quiet but it didn't mean I wasn't confident - I can give presentations in interviews, speak to strangers at a party etc. I don't want to but I can. What used to really annoy me is when I would spend time at a party talking to someone and then an hour later they would say 'oh you're so quiet!' What the hell? Is it literally because I don't shout? Or that I ask questions and then listen to them reply rather than talking endlessly about myself? Baffling.

I guess at school I just didn't see why I had to do something that made me feel uncomfortable e.g speaking out in lessons.

Your DS is clearly confident to compete in sports. All this teacher will achieve is make him dread lessons and spend the whole time on edge.

He has always been quiet. He has never been bullied. He has a very strong friendship group and many of his friends are girls. He isn't really that quiet when he is with his friends either. He genuinely seems very happy. His subject teachers will make comments like he is quiet but works well in a group or participates in class when needed. It just seems to be his tutor that he has had for a couple of years that sees it as a problem and is hoping that he will change.

@DingDongDenny I quite agree - being shy is not at all the same as being introverted, or quiet.

Being shy is actually quite a nuisance to the possessor of that quality.

Being introverted - not a problem if you get plenty of time to yourself.

Speaking for myself - anyone who didn't know me well would assume that I was a massive party animal because I'm chatty and not remotely shy. But in fact I'm very easily peopled out and need a break.

He sounds great! It’s funny because we are always taught that the confident go getter is going to succeed and the quiet ones will be overlooked. But who do you really want in the office- the quiet intelligent one who you can rely on, who lets their work speak for itself or jack the lad strutting his ego about, having dick swinging competitions etc. Maybe in sales but in most professions these days there always seem to be a lot of these quiet intelligent hard workers about. If he has friends, is happy then he is doing well. I wouldn’t worry about it at all.

I'm introverted, and can honestly say that it has severely hampered my promotional prospects.

I'm shy and I've never wanted to be anything else, I find a lot of people find it quite an attractive quality. Unfortunately in a world built for extroverts some people are always going to see being quiet/shy/introverted as a problem, it's definitely not going to be changed though by questioning your ds on the spot - really, only an extrovert would think that would be a suitable way to handle it!

jack the lad strutting his ego about, having dick swinging competitions etc

This is a really annoying analogy. Not every confident person is a “ Jack the lad” and every quiet person is an intellect. I dare say you can be shy and dim as much as anyone.

Yanbu
But
Bear in mind, his form tutor is trying to help him develop as a well rounded person, &achieve his potential. Shes also trying to educate a class of people who will contribute positively to society.

Introverted or extroverted, people who succeed in life tend to be those with the resilience to do things that they find difficult - extroverts taking a back seat & listening in an important meeting, introverts speaking up because what they know about needs to be heard.

She's not saying change his personality. She's trying to teach him important life skills of adaptability and flexibility.

Also there are times in class where it's important that people contribute, it may be by never speaking up he is coasting a bit on others contributing and that's not always fair to others.

I have a shy child. On the one hand, I agree that it's okay to be an introvert. On the other hand, in a few years she'll be off to university, and she's going to need to be able to start conversations with people she hasn't met before. We've talked about trying to be a bit braver about this, and perhaps looking out for new people at her leisure activity, and talking to them - of course that's all thwarted at the moment.

The other thing we were struck by was when she had a chance to take part in an interview, as part of the careers programme. She was asked to prepare by thinking of examples where she'd exhibited certain skills, and several of them we struggled just because she is quiet and a follower. Fortunately it's years before she'll have to deal with job interviews, but it did make her realise that it would be good to try and take more opportunities to do a bit more.

We've had a fascinating discovery this term. DD contributes quite well in some subjects, where she has more confidence (she's actually more willing to answer harder questions, because she's less likely to look stupid if she doesn't quite get it right). In one subject, she seemed to be switching off and wasn't contributing at all, mainly because some kids feel the need to comment on everything anyone else says. This term, online, that hasn't been an issue, and suddenly she's contributing and switched on!

As a shy person myself, it can cause you to be overlooked and therefore underachieve in the world of work. It's fine to be introverted, but not fine to lack social skills or be backwards in coming forward in a meeting for example. As she has mentioned it, I would think that she feels something does need a bit of work.