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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To, in actual fact, be grieving life before Covid and our collective lost future?

343 replies

StarsAndsunbeams · 11/02/2021 15:12

Just that. I'm a ball of knots, despite trying my best to deal with this all.

I'm starting to doubt my inner reserves and my ability to adapt to change.

Please cast your vote. I need to know that I'm definitely not alone in this feeling. Advice greatly appreciated too.

OP posts:
catsjammies · 12/02/2021 05:08

@Sapho47

Makes you think how utterly soft and useless the average British person has become.

You have 1 year with slightly less luxury but still all the necessities and people are falling apart.

How would any of these people cope in the majority of the world?

Do you...do you live in the U.K.?
SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2021 06:06

It has nothing to do with having less luxury and everything to do with loss of freedoms, coping strategies and meaningful contact with loved ones.

EffIt · 12/02/2021 07:03

@Sapho47

Makes you think how utterly soft and useless the average British person has become.

You have 1 year with slightly less luxury but still all the necessities and people are falling apart.

How would any of these people cope in the majority of the world?

Do you realise how many people have lost their jobs and are struggling to cope? How difficult it is to find more work? What about the people who are alone? Those stuck in tiny flats? It's much more than dealing with "slightly less luxury".
NorbertMeubles · 12/02/2021 07:23

@Sapho47

Makes you think how utterly soft and useless the average British person has become.

You have 1 year with slightly less luxury but still all the necessities and people are falling apart.

How would any of these people cope in the majority of the world?

And the winner of the cold, hard faced individual who misses the point of this thread award goes to....
Original poster
StarsAndsunbeams · 12/02/2021 07:26

Grief seems to be for something permanently lost; this is a temporary state of affairs.

@Lovely1a2b3c You've made an assumption here that no one has suffered permanent loss. And that permanent loss can only mean death and anything else does not justify deep sadness/grief. Hmm

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2021 07:28

No needs to justify their feelings of grief to anyone.

Original poster
StarsAndsunbeams · 12/02/2021 07:30

How would any of these people cope in the majority of the world?

@Sapho47
What makes you think that posters on here don't know strife? Or have lived in or originate from third world country? RTFT and infer. Tip: empathy will aid you.

OP posts:
Catmads · 12/02/2021 07:31

@EssentialHummus
"But every once in a while my phone pipes up with "This time last year" and it just catches me, that sense of loss"

THIS.
Everything that has come along, I've coped, adjusted, got by.
Monday morning 6.30, still in bed, still dark I got one of those notifications and it absolutely floored me. The tears started streaming and didn't stop all day, not sobbing just an uncontrollable stream.
Emotional eating was replaced with emotional starvation and I didn't eat anything all day, still have no appetite but I'm forcing small amounts in because I know it's not going to help.
I just felt so numb but so utterly bereft at the same time.

malificent7 · 12/02/2021 07:41

I am fuming with Boris " stay in, but don't stay in if you must go out, go out but not for too long and work at home but not if you want to go to the office" dithering contributed to this mess massively.

rookiemere · 12/02/2021 07:50

What makes this lockdown so hard for me is that we have no idea how long it will go on for.

If I knew for sure that come Summer I'd be able to see my English relatives (we're in Scotland) and know with certainty that DS 14 would have a full year at school for his exam years, then I'd be fine. If that's a cost of foreign holidays for a longer period - again can live with that as long as I know the parameters.

But it seems to usually be those berating us for our flabby constitutions that doom monger about this going on for years.

I've been taking a mild natural pick me up St Johns Wort for about a month now and I'm glad. The news doesn't help either with their constant scare mongering about new variants and vaccine distribution issues, so I try to stay away from it.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 12/02/2021 07:55

@Sapho47

Makes you think how utterly soft and useless the average British person has become.

You have 1 year with slightly less luxury but still all the necessities and people are falling apart.

How would any of these people cope in the majority of the world?

Here comes the goady fucker!
MoltenLasagne · 12/02/2021 08:53

I feel like I'm on house arrest with no end to the sentence in sight. A few weeks ago, looking at the vaccine rollout, I was thinking this has got to be it, we're going to get back to normal. Only now they say that things won't change even with the vaccine. So what's the point?

We've lost two friends to suicide this past year, both have struggled with mental health before but had pulled through with family and friends supporting them and the structure of work and events to look forward to. We weren't able to attend their funerals, and it feels as though their deaths don't matter because they're not covid deaths. Would they still be with us if it wasn't for lockdown? I know one of them was dismissed by their GP with "everyone's struggling" and I feel like the second guy was essentially pushed over the edge by the news of our first friend. If we had broken the rules would that have been enough?

We try not to dwell on it, I have previously been very good at working past life's tragedies but all my usual distractions are gone so it's just been stuck trying to ignore my thoughts and guilt. They won't even give us the thought of summer to get us through and give us some hope.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 12/02/2021 08:55

There's a coronavirus section for this

Inastatus · 12/02/2021 08:55

@SnuggyBuggy

No needs to justify their feelings of grief to anyone.
Totally agree!
TheVelvetiser · 12/02/2021 09:01

Less luxury? My business has collapsed. My lovely business that I poured everything into and worked my arse off to build into something that could provide well for my family. It's gone. Our boiler has broken, after, a year of being patched up it is dead. We have no heating and it's bloody freezing.

LakieLady · 12/02/2021 09:02

I lost "my future" when my DP died (not Covid) just before the November lockdown.

Staying at home is nothing compared to that loss, but I still have a future - just a very different one from the one we'd planned.

None of us know what's round the corner, and shit can always happen. This is just different, because it's affecting everyone collectively, albeit in different ways. Two weeks ago I felt utterly hopeless, but that is passing and I'm learning to adjust.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 12/02/2021 09:33

@Lovely1a2b3c

I don't feel the way you do.

Lots of people do.

Things will improve with the vaccination; people gradually returning to work, leisure activities etc. so really all is not lost at all.

I honestly felt a bit unhappy reading the title of this thread as so many people are genuinely grieving for their Mums, Dads, husbands/wives, brothers and sisters that I feel that 'grieving' is the wrong word. Their loss will never be fixed; this Pandemic in its current form is a short-lived thing.

I lost both parents within 7 months of each other last year and I have no issue with the OP describing how she feels as grief. Grief (as I was told many times last year), is a personal thing. Many people have missed out on special moments in their lives, which they will never get back, things that they have looked forward to which will never happen now, businesses they have built up which no longer exist. As I said, grief is a personal thing and so are the circumstances surrounding it, it's not an emotion reserved only for the bereaved.
hammeringinmyhead · 12/02/2021 09:43

It's not a "temporary" loss if this was your gap year, maternity leave, university first year/year abroad/final year, first year of your new business, the last year of a relative's life. My job that I had done for 12 years and loved is not "temporarily" gone.

rookiemere · 12/02/2021 09:48

@hammeringinmyhead yes that's true. My DS will never get back the missed outward bound type school trip that's meant to be a seminal experience, as an only DC it was particularly significant for him .

We all know that we're more fortunate than say refugees, but knowing doesn't stop feelings.

VinylDetective · 12/02/2021 10:10

I hate this competitive misery. The assertion that you’re not allowed to express your feelings of sadness and loss because there are people in the third world who can only dream of the shit we’re going through.

Our lockdown has been relatively painless because we’ve retired. That doesn’t stop me feeling real grief for the huge losses other people are experiencing. I particularly feel so sorry for kids missing out on their education, friendships and formative experiences, older teenagers and early 20s with the years that should be joyous and carefree blighted, new parents unable to share their babies with their friends and families. The toll on them is immeasurable.

The day I hug my family and friends again will be pretty emotional. One of my friends gives the best hugs imaginable, I warned her only yesterday that I’ll be in floods of tears when I find myself in her embrace again. I’m sure I’ll cry when I hold our new grandaughter too.

Snowdropsanddaffs · 12/02/2021 10:15

@MolyHolyGuacamole

There's a coronavirus section for this
The poster has chosen to put it in AIBU because she is asking a question as to whether she is being unreasonable but thanks for that useful tip.
Lindy2 · 12/02/2021 10:28

I'm longing for the feeling of walking into a buzzing pub, the anticipation of the show as you take your seat in a crowded theatre, the vibe of walking along a busy, bustling street. It feels like these emotions have been gone a long time and I miss them, a lot. You can't recreate an atmosphere when there isn't one.

I'm also struggling with the fact that after a year of all these restrictions and us being very careful as a family, we still caught the bloody virus. It seems like it was for nothing for us - although I know in reality that isn't true and my one saving grace of catching the virus, was that we spread it to no one else outside our household, because we were following the rules.

LakieLady · 12/02/2021 10:37

What makes this lockdown so hard for me is that we have no idea how long it will go on for

I think there's a lot of truth in that. The uncertainty is quite destabilising and means we can't plan stuff to give ourselves something to look forward to.

I'm just trying to adopt a "one day at a time" approach, and being grateful for days like today when it's bright and sunny (albeit perishing cold).

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 12/02/2021 10:44

My exact mood.

PattyPan · 12/02/2021 10:49

The poster has chosen to put it in AIBU because she is asking a question as to whether she is being unreasonable but thanks for that useful tip.

A lot of people have hidden the coronavirus topic because threads like this affect their mental health.

Swipe left for the next trending thread