To, in actual fact, be grieving life before Covid and our collective lost future?

[StarsAndsunbeams]

Just that. I'm a ball of knots, despite trying my best to deal with this all.

I'm starting to doubt my inner reserves and my ability to adapt to change.

Please cast your vote. I need to know that I'm definitely not alone in this feeling. Advice greatly appreciated too.

Still hoping for things to improve with the vaccines. It’s the sane old names popping up to dismiss and minimise. Thoughts to everyone struggling. If I wasn’t pregnant I’d be self harming, don’t want to talk about this with any midwives or doctors as I’m sure it would trigger safeguarding which is the last thing I need. I know that if I could see people and do things the feeling of pressure would lift. I’m struggling through to my due date.
I feel overwhelmed by a year in the house with toddlers and young children and work. Can’t reach out anymore as I feel so disconnected, angry and flat.

Can people really not understand that the grief being expressed here is not all about us? It includes the loss of life, the loss of jobs, the risks being faced by essential workers, the forever changed landscape of life as we knew it? On top of how it's personally affecting us? And believe me I'm not a special fucking empath.

I do agree.

The only thing I find annoying, is that some people in the past have had no or little empathy for others going through dreadful things, often in other countries, that have caused devastation, losses, risks and changes when it’s not personally affecting them. I just hope that after this, people have more empathy, even when it’s not directly affecting them. I’m not very hopeful about that though as people soon forget once they’re ok.

I wouldn’t say I’m grieving pre covid life as I know it’ll be coming back soon enough and I’ll appreciate the freedom to do what I want for the first time in my life! There are so many things I’m looking forward to doing again, and will appreciate, so that is keeping me positive.

I’m also extremely grateful my family have come through having Covid with only minor effects and no long term ones. As well as being thankful, we are ‘only’ in a pandemic rather than an actual world war like the previous ones.

I have suffered bad MH previously due to adult trauma and horrendous childhood abuse which manifested in severe OCD so had therapy for many years. I dread to think how I’d be now if this had happened when I was at my worst and I have a lot of experience of ‘just about getting through the day’ which has stood me in good stead.

I think this time of year is hard for a lot of people even without the loss of life as we know it.

I’ve also thought a lot about children and young adults. I’ve had decades of travel and going out and gigs and hugs and silliness and general fun stuff (not constantly !). I’ve got a lot ‘in the bank’ to draw on. I guess it means I’ve also got a lot to miss. But friends daughter who is 17 was just starting out in all that - is still but it’s going to be different and one year of this for her is just huge by comparison.

I’m tired of it all and numb, things that I would shrug off and not worry about in our old pre COVID world play on my mind now. There’s nothing to distract you and nothing to look forward too as at any moment the goal posts will be moved again and your left deflated. I’m tired of being the brunt of people’s anger as well, I’m beginning to react to it rather then putting the phone down and swearing under my breath after yet another phone call where they have taken all their frustrations out on me, I have never been unprofessional but it’s coming closer. I don’t know how much more of this I can take or am willing to put up with

Crankly, it is not self pity though, it is more akin to an identity crisis. People have loads more time on their hands and some of that will be reflective, if your every day life was about a bit more than fall out of bed, open your laptop, work online, get your children to go online, walk around the block or visit the park you did the day before, the day before that, last week, the week before that, come home and repeat then it is going to feel 'not you'. You will miss the life you had, you miss the spontaneity, the events in your life, you will miss the old you. Surely it is not hard to apply some imagination to this scenario and think how people can't adjust to this. I would say that, 'yes' in that identity crisis I have come to realise what a privileged life I led so maybe you can rejoice at knowing that regular kind of people like me and my husband and our friends have woken up to that fact and we have been served our 'perspective'!

I am grieving, for my elderly relatives who have lost the last years of quality life due to lockdown taking away their cognitive function. They will never get that life back. Also for people I know whose mental health has been damaged permanently by loneliness.

Oh and Crankly, I did lose my great aunt to covid, she died alone, we weren't allowed to see her and I know that would have frightened her. She laughed at everything and even though she was 90 had a great time socially, she loved every minute of living in a home and would have definitely reflected on how shit life was now everything was closed.

for The Velvetiser MistressoftheDarkSide and everyone else grieving.

It's a low bar for humanity when swathes of the population exist trying desperately hard not to be part of the problem, yet can't be an effective part of the solution

I agree, very powerful words, and so true.

@SingleHandSue

I feel very much like I’m grieving my old job. I lost it early on in the first lockdown when the company closed loads of its stores.

I was devastated.
I’d spent many years working crappy jobs that fit around childcare then later caring for my mum. I’d finally got the job of my dreams, not much to some but I was an assistant manager of a shoe shop finally working full time and bringing home a decent wage.

The team were amazing, I got on brilliantly with my manager, and the area manager and other managers were all really supportive and lovely. Early last year I was told of a pay rise coming my way in April. We made plans for our first ever trip abroad to celebrate my 40th now we had the money. I was so happy for the first time in ages.

I dealt with it ok last year, I was lucky to quickly find another job in August with good hours and pay not too much less than before. I’m on furlough from this job now and I know that I’ll have it to go back to so I should be grateful.

However I can’t get over the loss of my previous job, it genuinely feels like a bereavement. I think about it every night when I’m going to sleep and want to break in to the empty shop just to be there again. It sounds absolutely bonkers I know, but I’m so angry that my dream was taken from me.

I totally understand.. I left a job which I could do in my sleep, great pay, benefits etc., to something I thought would be better, in a different way. Worst decision of my life and will regret what I did for years to come. I know it was my choice.. my point being, I know the grief you talk about.x

@PracticallyFloored

I also find that lately I've pulled back a lot on reaching out to friends and family for a chat, which is completely out of character for me. It's not an anxiety thing, I just feel like I have nothing left to say and neither does anybody else. I've just given up.

Anybody else feeling more insular?

This. I avoid phonecalls from my parents as I have nothing new to tell them and speaking to them makes me miss them even more. I've pretty much stopped messaging friends as there's nothing to talk about. Lockdowns 1 and 2 were okay but I'm struggling with this one.

I don't know if it helps anyone (must admit it's not helping me much today!) but I found myself really spiralling into a dark place during the first lockdown, feeling overwhelmed with loneliness and anxiety and the uncertainty over whether it was ever going to end. It was so bad, I thought for sure it was going to result in some long-term psychological issues and things would never feel 'normal' again even once the restrictions had lifted. But when schools were open in September and I could go back to work for a few months things did feel about 90% similar to how they were in 2019, and I rebounded really fast with what seemed like minimal lasting impact. I know that some people have lost things from their lives permanently and my heart goes out to you all But hopefully my experience is typical and once things do start to open back up we'll feel more normal again, even if it seems impossible now.

Right now I agree with everyone else though - everything just feels like Too Much at the moment. Even exercise and looking up the vaccination figures, both of which normally give me a real lift, aren't helping today.

@Crankley, in all seriousness I question whether people like you are actually as 'fine' as you claim, if you're intentionally coming onto a thread full of people who are struggling just so you can be spiteful towards them. It's not something people tend to do when they find their own lives happy and fulfilling, is all.

Today is my son's first birthday. I've been feeling guilty all day that I don't feel like celebrating, I just feel really sad that we don't have a big family party to look forward to.

I'm just back to work (combined with the joys of homeschool for my reception aged daughter) and I am realising how hard everyone has found the last year and how much energy people are having to find just to get through the day. And I think it's only just dawning on me that this isn't going to be over in a few months, not really.

So sorry so many people are finding this so tough too. I have hope the future will be something like normality. Just got to get there.

I'm a pretty boring, insular person. I love being at home. I don't really have many friends. I don't particularly like doing things or going places. But I miss the opportunity and option to go out, to see people, to do stuff, to go places.

This describes me too. It took quite a long time for me to really miss things that much though, and I've voted YABU, because I don't feel like I'm grieving or that our futures are lost. I just feel like we've had a shitty time and it will get better.

Anyone who thinks getting people vaccinated means we're going to bounce straight back to how we were 18 months ago needs to think again. A LOT has changed since then. If the virus mutates and there is no vaccine effective against the new mutation, we are back to square one. People who talk about 'they' not being able to insist on lockdown continuing are a big part of the problem. We ALL need to take responsibility! I really think there are a lot of people who've learned NOTHING in the past year.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

I agree.

I've been a dab hand at bouncing back after personal setbacks, and done a fair bit of self sacrifice for the greater good, not on a national scale obviously, but there was a world I recognised to go back out into. Now I feel without incentive. I cycle between cautious optimism and fuck it throughout the day.

A recent article suggested only 25 % of the population are really struggling mentally in a clinically meaningful way and I struggle to believe this. I suppose this may be statistically correct but I don't know anyone truly coping well with this prolonged uncertainty.

And anger. I feel anger. Nowhere really to direct it, and am beginning to fully understand toddler behaviour.

When showering becomes a major achievement it's time to worry, isn't it?

I think it’s way more than 25 per cent. No one knows An 80 year old friend who has all her marbles and loves life was toying with her medication the other day Wondering whether to take it all or not. All her coping strategies have gone. Widowed for 20 years, getting out and about each day l meeting friends, walks , theatre , gardens etc All gone apart from a walk which she can’t do in these slippy conditions

My coping strategy to get through a tough winter is to spend 3 weeks in Tenerife in March
We had our booking cancelled yesterday

I haven’t the energy to feel sad about it.
Although I’m pretty sure I am

Not unreasonable at all, but we do have to remember it won't be forever. People managed through WWII which was longer than the worst effects of this will be, and the world did carry on.

Sadly things will continue to be fragile this year, despite the vaccine - yes, it's a big help, but there are still a lot of unknowns and it is safest to keep assuming the worst for a bit.

I have hopes that at least we might be able to widen the circle of people we can see a bit once everyone's vaccinated, which would be a massive improvement on now. And we have to accept it's not a straight path of improvement upwards, things will be up and down for a while yet, but there will be better times within that.

@chessie678 your analogy with abuse and gaslighting is spot on

Im not personally struggling with staying in. I am struggling with the unpredictability of everything. I am a teacher and get very stressed at the thought of when I will be going back. Of being back at work and worrying about catching covid daily and of my own children bringing it home. The unpredictability of how it may affect me when i catch it. The unpredictability of being in the class. Of children bounding towards you like it doesn't exist. Of touching things that may be infected. It is so stressful tying to distance yourself from children. I have no faith that the goverment really know the risks of having children back. I feel with this new mutation we are guinea pigs.

@FangsForTheMemory

Anyone who thinks getting people vaccinated means we're going to bounce straight back to how we were 18 months ago needs to think again. A LOT has changed since then. If the virus mutates and there is no vaccine effective against the new mutation, we are back to square one. People who talk about 'they' not being able to insist on lockdown continuing are a big part of the problem. We ALL need to take responsibility! I really think there are a lot of people who've learned NOTHING in the past year.

Thank you. Are you sure you’ve posted on the right thread?

The total mixed messaging and then having to cancel everything for another year. And the fact that apparently vaccines won’t bring and end to this. Telegraph said the Israeli model is lockdown until May and then tiers from September. It is ridiculous and I feel sorry for the children most.

It was the hint of “forever” and now the possible Pfizer vaccines for kids that has tipped me over the edge tonight.

We don’t know long term what the new Pfizer vaccine does to the immune system or indeed fertility. I don’t want my kids to have it and this will possibly mean they can’t attend school. I would have to stop work and educate them myself.

I am so incredibly low tonight.

I think things will get a lot more normal this year. However I’m not sure I’ll be the same again. I’m a lifelong sufferer of mental illness and this has made me really quite unwell, as I knew it would, yet could do little to prevent it. Bad periods take years to recover from. The last really bad episode put paid to the career and the life I thought I’d have. But I’d built something else. This episode feels like it may be the end of plan b. Not sure I could ever face having another child now either. So all in all I feel like I’ve almost lost hope in my future and my family’s future. Maybe I will feel better though and find the reserves to go on, but not feeling good right now. Sorry to everyone else who is also struggling.

@sciics
However, now I’m seriously considering not to having children because the pandemic has made it so unappealing to me. I’m so worried about the long term future of our planet and how it’ll be for our children
yeah I've had 4 and I really really don't think they'll be having 4 themselves! their whole future has changed. values and priorities. I hate to say it as I love them all dearly but I probably wouldn't have had so many had i known this shit would kick off...