To, in actual fact, be grieving life before Covid and our collective lost future?

[StarsAndsunbeams]

Just that. I'm a ball of knots, despite trying my best to deal with this all.

I'm starting to doubt my inner reserves and my ability to adapt to change.

Please cast your vote. I need to know that I'm definitely not alone in this feeling. Advice greatly appreciated too.

You are not alone, I'm a very resilient and laid back person - not meant in an arrogant way but yes, it is stressful to be 'contained'. I was always brought up to think about how much worse others have it and this is how I try to approach it and apply the perspective but I can't believe how much I miss now it is gone.

A pre-COVID life will return. There are too many people like you (and me) who want it to. It might take time - especially international travel and job prospects - but it will happen.

I will be actively supporting a return to normal. Pre COVID I used to hate nightclubs but will be on a night out as soon as possible, even if there are still all the posts on MN about how dangerous it is and 'technically allowed doesn't mean it's in the spirit'.

I also can't wait to watch someone blow out birthday candles and then have a slice of the cake.

I think I'm disappointed in how small my world has become and I'm becoming pretty and hate that, I really hate it.

I've been coping really well the whole way along, but lately I'm a mess. Not even necessarily "about" the covid situation, but I certainly am starting to feel very odd emotionally. Fragile and a bit volatile. I'm not in the UK and our vaccine program here is practically non existent, so I'm running out of reserves of hope and pragmatism. I'm sure this will all end, eventually, but the question is when, and what kind of state I'll be in by the end.

I'm also wondering if other people are feeling similarly, I'm so disconnected atm.

Actually I think you really hit the nail on the head OP with "grieving". I do feel like I'm in a state of unfocused grief. It's good to identify it at least.

Phew! I'm usually a very chilled person and strong both physically and mentally.

Going to go for a short walk soon and take in the beautiful scenery. Maybe have a little cry too.

I agree.

I've been a dab hand at bouncing back after personal setbacks, and done a fair bit of self sacrifice for the greater good, not on a national scale obviously, but there was a world I recognised to go back out into. Now I feel without incentive. I cycle between cautious optimism and fuck it throughout the day.

A recent article suggested only 25 % of the population are really struggling mentally in a clinically meaningful way and I struggle to believe this. I suppose this may be statistically correct but I don't know anyone truly coping well with this prolonged uncertainty.

And anger. I feel anger. Nowhere really to direct it, and am beginning to fully understand toddler behaviour.

When showering becomes a major achievement it's time to worry, isn't it?

YANBU @StarsAndsunbeams. I feel this way some days too. I feel OK some days, but very low on other days.

We will all be OK soon. Stay strong, and roll with the punches.

@PracticallyFloored you have articulated how I'm feeling better than I could. I've been pretty even-tempered throughout thisyear - surprising given that I'm a long-term depression and PTSD sufferer - but that's probably because i don't have it as hard as some (my kids are teenagers, happily married, everyone has their own room)

The past few weeks I've been feeling increasingly odd - flat, staring into space for hours, can't raise motivation even for simple things. And there have been a few times when everyone is in the same room, talking, or someone has put music on, or both kids doing a zoom lesson at the same time, and I've just been overwhelmed with panic and a sort of rage, and had to put my hands over my ears and close my eyes to calm down. I've never experienced anything like it before, I just feel like I'm not the same person. No idea how to improve it either. I can't bear to go for another fucking walk in the same boring places, I know it won't make me feel any better.

I've hit a wall now. I feel like a caged animal over the lack of control I have about my own life. I need to have something to look forward to, or something to make the weekends different to the weekdays. No timescale for if and when that will ever return. Beside myself.

I agree with you, OP.

I'm a pretty boring, insular person. I love being at home. I don't really have many friends. I don't particularly like doing things or going places.

But I miss the opportunity and option to go out, to see people, to do stuff, to go places. The chances are that I won't and wouldn't actually choose to do so but I want the option. I've not been further than about half a mile from my house since before Christmas. Even then, I only went an additional couple of miles.

Like others, I'm a resilient person. I've dealt with huge hardship and trauma in my life. I've been homeless, I've been on the edge of heroin addiction, I've been raped, I've experienced domestic abuse. I have no time for whingers at all and I always remember how much worse people have it than I do. But I've never felt as deflated as I do these days. Tired, down, just plain miserable.

I don't give a toss if its not 'in the spirit', as soon as I'm able, I'll be off on holiday, I'll be meeting friends and giving them big hugs and kisses.

And agree with above. I am full of simmering anger and resentment.

YANBU. I miss my life. I just want everything to go back to how it was. It's definitely a feeling of loss.

Hugs

It's actually not the first time I've grieved in this way. I went through exactly the same thing after leaving uni, denial - it won't be so bad I can still have fun, depression - this isn't fun, bargaining - maybe I can make life fun again if I do this, anger - why isn't it working FFS? and a bloody long road to accepting my situation.

YANBU OP. It's come to a point now where I can't even read a book or watch television unless the subject matter is complete science fiction stuff. I can't bear to watch a world that doesn't exist for me anymore, it's like a physical pain. Akin to the grieving you describe, it feels like it would feel to be forced to only ever watch videos of my deceased relatives, nothing else, and yet never be able to see them again. It's awful.

I've lost all motivation for anything at all, I just do not care and that's so unlike me. I wish the government or their social scientists would pay some attention to this, particularly because it's not just adults suffering this way, children are being impacted so hugely.

I empathise with this. Every time you find the mental reserves to bounce back again you are knocked down by some shifting of the goalposts or new rule or bad news. I think the affect of it is a bit like being abused - the loss of control over your own life, the gaslighting, being denied access to your friends and family, someone else having control over where you go and what you wear.

And to see it damage your children both now and in the future is the hardest thing.

I don't think normal resilience helps that much. I don't think I'm generally lacking in resilience but nothing prepares you for being cut off from your support network and essentially placed under house arrest for months at a time.

When showering becomes a major achievement it's time to worry, isn't it?

I feel like this too, I really have to force myself out of bed and into that shower at the moment.

I’m just glad I’m not actually grieving for someone I love who has died.

Yes also to the anger, I hadn't quite figured out that anger was what I'm feeling until I just read it on here.

Who am I angry at? I don't know.
The elderly for being so vulnerable,
The government for shutting everything down just to protect a few hundred thousand,
Members of the government for breaking the rules when we all tried to obey,
The public for not being angry about the government's rule breaking,
The anti-mask, anti-vax people who're relying on everyone else to obey the rules,
The public for just blindly obeying the rules and accepting the erosion of civil liberties,
The police for being too heavy-handed,
The police for not doing enough,
My employer asking me to stay at home all the time even though that means Zoom calls all fucking day,
My colleagues and students for the massive email traffic,
My husband for basically existing.

I'm angry at everyone and no-one, everything and also nothing.

@SuperHansBag I'm so sorry for all the trauma you have been through. I too have been through various traumas: raped, mugged, DA, direct discrimination in the workplace and so on. I'm not trying to compare by mentioning this. It's that I cant believe how mentally fragile I am feeling right now, especially as in the past when trauma reared its ugly head, I was always able to heave myself up and out of it.

@sadpapercourtesan I want to say I'm delighted to hear somebody feels the same way, but obviously it's awful! I love your name btw, I don't post much but I've noticed your name before.

I feel flat too, and empty. I never know where my emotions will lead anymore, they're more intense and long-lasting. It's like I've started to live in a weird internal world of emotion, with nothing external to even hang them on. It's very disconcerting.

I'm a PTSD sufferer too, but I've made a lot of positive progress with that over the last year, so I'm not sure if it's connected.

I'm holding out for some spring weather, really hoping that will help me feel more normal.

for everyone feeling crap.

I’m lucky in that my life has been fairly unchanged by covid. I’m still going to work everyday.
But I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my future and I feel like that last years of my twenties has been stolen from me (I’m 30 next year). Those last carefree years before having children where you can do whatever you like and not have to worry about responsibilities.
I struggled a lot with depression in my early twenties and have only recently finished university and got my life together, so I’m probably about 5 years behind where I should be.
However, now I’m seriously considering not to having children because the pandemic has made it so unappealing to me. I’m so worried about the long term future of our planet and how it’ll be for our children.
I’m also aware that I might change my mind later on and regret it. I know what what to think anymore. This pandemic has changed my perspective on so many things.

I'm angry at everyone and no-one, everything and also nothing.

This articulates exactly how I'm feeling. Also disillusionment.

I find the not being able to plan hard. It's a real removal of agency. I've mostly coped by deciding I can't have FOMO and leant in to it. Use books, TV, social media and phone calls to travel virtually at least. And I'm lucky that I have a job za secure home and no kids to homeschool. So I can zone out a bit.

I wouldn't describe it as struggling mentally in a clinically meaningful way, but it's still off.