For refusing to talk to the school

[pinkpixie83]

I am no longer talking to my boys primary school. I am a single parent, working from home, three children, 2 of primary age and 1 high school age. I have been honest with the school all along that home schooling is nigh on impossible, and now they are just repeatedly ringing me. The have admitted they can't offer me any help, so I don't see any point in repeated phone calls, it achieves nothing.

All parents have it hard but think ignoring the phone will just mean they continue to call. Jist answer and tell them you're busy

Also a single parent with two primary aged children here. What really disappoints me is the tone that the school chooses to talk to me. As if I am a clueless 5 year old myself, about to get a detention for bad classroom behaviour. Also plenty of helpful advice like: "you need to talk to your employer and explain the situation". No shit, hasn't occurred to me - thanks!

@AStudyinPink

I'm a single mum with three kids. It's not an excuse for not giving them even an hour a day of input, nor for ignoring a school that is trying to ensure they are doing ok.

Again, I don’t know where you get off trying to tell a mother who has just told you she can’t do it that she has “no excuse” for not meeting your expectations for how she behaves in her own home. The OP isn’t breaking any laws. She is doing her best. People need to butt out.

I did not say that she has 'no excuse'. I did say - and stand by - the fact that being a single working mother of 3 is not an excuse to do zero home schooling, nor to answer concerned calls from the school. She may have other reasons that are. But once you have kids, you don't get to pull them out of school and throw your hands up in the air about it, which is what is happening here. Her mental health is not the only thing at stake in this situation, and she certainly won't get more support if she won't engage.

If she is doing her best right now, and answering a phone is too much, then I doubt that things are going ok with the kids at all. If she is able to take the calls, then she should. I don't think that anyone should 'butt out' when childrens' welfare is at stake.

Oh and needless to say I assume the father is nowhere to be seen? Presumably happily prioritising his career...

I did not say that she has 'no excuse'. I did say - and stand by - the fact that being a single working mother of 3 is not an excuse to do zero home schooling, nor to answer concerned calls from the school. She may have other reasons that are. But once you have kids, you don't get to pull them out of school and throw your hands up in the air about it, which is what is happening here. Her mental health is not the only thing at stake in this situation, and she certainly won't get more support if she won't engage.

Again, this is just you thinking you have the right to tell the OP what she can and can’t manage. You don’t.

I think that's a very weak excuse. As a single parent, things are sometimes unfair and a lot harder but you dont get to just say, "I'm not doing it". Your children are going to be the ones who go back to school and are way behind their peers, because you find it too tiring to do a bit of work in the evening. Sorry honey, but we're all having to do that. Toughen up a bit.

why can’t you do any home schooling, you are not the only single parent with multiple children

This kind of throwaway nasty comment is unfortunately typical of Mumsnet at the moment. One of the many nice little side effects of lockdown is to make so many people snide and self-righteous.

I haven't got children of primary age (mine are largely grown up), so I have no dog in this fight. However, I was a SAHM for many years, and I know for an absolute fact that I wouldn't have been able to look after / supervise the education of young children and work at the same time. I gave up my freelance job when DC1 was born, precisely because it's impossible to work with children around.

An 'outsider' can see that children's education is being completely shafted by lockdown, and mothers are the ones having to try to achieve the impossible. To work and supervise primary aged children, you would have to clone yourself. I can't imagine it's doing much for the relationships between children and parents, either.

OP, you are in a completely rotten situation, as is the school, which is can't be seen not to be bothering, even though they can do fuck all to help you. I know my sympathy is useless to you, but I feel it anyway.

but you dont get to just say, "I'm not doing it"

You do.

@CakeIsEternal

I think that's a very weak excuse. As a single parent, things are sometimes unfair and a lot harder but you dont get to just say, "I'm not doing it". Your children are going to be the ones who go back to school and are way behind their peers, because you find it too tiring to do a bit of work in the evening. Sorry honey, but we're all having to do that. Toughen up a bit.

Another comment of the type I just mentioned.

Have some compassion.

I have engaged, up until now. I have done nothing but be honest with the school, they are well aware of my working situation and my home situation.

I am in no way blaming the teachers, at all. But they also know that I am generally a rational person, who is, like many people, struggling with current circumstances. More pressure from them adds to the pressure I already have.

They have visited today, and seen we are all alive and healthy, if my mental health isn't quite normal at the minute. They were quick to tell me they cannot help, so I have explained that we just need to be left to get on with it the best way we can. I adore my kids and would never hurt them, but currently I cannot manage my workload, the high school home learning supervision and the supervision of 2 primary boys that both need a large amount of input.

I'm sorry if im not meeting the standards of other single parents, and am pleased to hear not everyone is finding it as hard as me. But I am struggling, like a lot of people at the moment. I have no shame in admitting that either.

@AStudyinPink she came on to ask if she was being unreasonable. Op posted on a board that specifically asks for the opinions of others. My opinion, as a fellow single mother of 3, is that she should answer the phone call, and do more than zero minutes a week of homeschooling. You feel differently. Op gets to read what we wrote, and then do whatever she chooses.

Why does it bother you so much that I disagree with you?

OverTheRubicon

Because I think it’s self-righteous bulldozing rubbish.

Honestly, if you could fit in half an hour reading with them a day, and a small amount of maths, then that's more than enough, and doable for most people.
I get that you might not be able to answer phone calls during your working day, so drop them an email / voicemail instead.
Also could you a) push for a school place for your primary children, or b) ask if school could supply the tech you need?
You have my sympathy though, having had kids in school, and home educated at various times, I think you currently have the worst of both worlds, trying to recreate school at home (and work at the same time).

I’ve never been called once by my older child’s school?! Younger one is in school 2 days a week when both I and dad work as key workers... but not heard a peep from either of them...

@majesticallyawkward

If children aren't able to learn at home they should be offered a place as a vulnerable child at school. Have you asked about this possibility? It's certainly the case in a number of schools I'm aware of and was under the impression this was a national approach, similar to children apparently being given laptops for use at home (which isn't happening for many I know, but the principle is the same- give them the ability to resume education).

I agree and would suggest that, if school is unhappy, they offer places.

It is a welfare check more than a work catch. Depending on the school. So easier to just answer it, but I understand why it must grate.

Have the school offered a device to help the children? Could a staff member call the children weekly or video chat to discuss the work/ chat with them. Could they print off the work as a work pack? If you have funds could you get some work book packs for them; like cgp.

In my school, we are telling parents to do what you can, when you can, if you can.

I know other parents at my dd school, who have told school, they aren't doing the school work, due to family member being ill, partner working away and so don't have the time etc. That has gone down ok, but they still have a weekly chat with the child.

I think it is a case for everyone to mange the next few weeks, month with some sanity left in tack.

Sorry you are struggling. Forget the homeschooling. Try to answer the calls so there are no more visits. The school shouldn't be putting any pressure on you to complete the work. Be kind to yourself. We are all doing the best we can. Do what you can and take each week as it comes. Fingers crossed 🤞 kids will be back in school soon 🙏

OP, clearly half the posters have not read your update as per the norm. I wonder how many children that are actually in your child's school have 2 parent families with one WFH.... I'll hedge bets there will be a large proportion of children in school because 1 parent is a keyworker, thus failing your EHCP child because of their own selfishness.

Half term next week op I'm still working so booked it off. Use it to catch up on homeschooling work that needs completing.

It's half-term next week. Don't beat yourself up.

Does the primary school do a video meeting check-in every day? Usually as long as the DC are showing up to that so they can see they're alive and well, schools don't insist the work gets done.

Just pick one task every day for each DC, and hand that in/shoot off a quick email if you find them calling you or calling round stressful.

E.g. Today DC1 did TT Rockstars and watched a BBC Bitesize on X, and DC2 did this worksheet (attached).

I think you're amazing if you're working FT and single parenting 2 DC in a pandemic.

I hope you're okay OP. It sounds like a really stressful environment for you.

I've missed every call from daughter's school this week. Not on purpose, but because I'm working obscene hours doing mostly back-to-back calls. I finished at 11:30 last night, and this is the first break I've had since 7:30am today. I haven't had 2 minutes, and to be honest, the calls don't help me do my job or work with my DD (who has completed every crap Twinkl sheet they've assigned her), so I'm not going out of my way to make the time. That's probably selfish, but I don't have capacity for things not to our benefit right now.

More empathy needed.

Well, along the same lines of your post, it isn't up to you to tell me I need to show more empathy!

I have empathised. I'm in a similar (not the same, I know) situation, and in my opinion she can create some opportunities for learning.

Hope that's ok with you Pink?

@AStudyinPink

but you dont get to just say, "I'm not doing it"

You do.

What if you did this for other aspects of parenting?

Education matters.

If you say 'I just can't do it' as a parent, somebody then needs to support the children hence the calls, the visits.

EarringsandLipstick

Not really, no. I think it’s awful.

If you say 'I just can't do it' as a parent, somebody then needs to support the children hence the calls, the visits.

No, as above, the calls are about safeguarding, and the children are fine. Nobody is supporting the OP with the educational piece at all, and she actually doesn’t have to do it.