to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

He’s got something that works for him. The only thing that worked was when the kids started playing Fortnite. They wanted to play online with their friends, not him and he didn’t like that. So he wanted it banned.

What a bastard your DH is. He doesn’t care about you, just that he’s “won” his sons, despite the damage it’ll be doing to them and your marriage, as though he’s in competition with you (and their friends!) for their affections. That he thinks you’re “controlling” to want to be part of the family and put their best interests first is a bad sign. I’m all for giving people a chance, so do you think he’d go to couples counselling if you asked? Something tells me he wouldn’t (these twats never do until they get handed divorce papers!).
I’m assuming you do all the housework whilst they’re all gaming?

I hope you're sleeping now.

I just want to give you a big hug. I understand you feeling you've lost them, but you haven't yet, they're still young, this can be changed & you can have a different life with the kids.

If it was me I'd have one last conversation with DH about how I was feeling and about how this much time gaming is bad fir the children's development (don't bother mentioning his gaming) and see what he says.

If nothing changes I'd ask a solicitor if it's possible to make him
Move out due to lack of parenting, being obstructive of your parenting and his gaming addiction/influence.

Dad weekends will be 'the best' for a while, but as another poster said, when there's no good, the place is a tip and he's not interested in school/their friend/their lives, he won't be in such favour snd yep, when they want to spend time with their friends, things will change.

Don't take it to heart what your DS said, he doesn't mean it. He has NO comprehension how hurtful or incorrect it was, of course he'd miss you if you weren't there. Kids don't have the emotional language to say 'I love you, but I just want to play and you're insisting on parenting me& it's pissing me off'

I'm sorry that your relationship with your husband has come to this, but you can't make him grow up or see what he's doing to you & the kids, so it's better to separate 🥲

Take care, remember you are loved & valued (they're just being shit at showing it).

See what your H doesn't realise is that as your DS's grow older they will start getting interested in other things.
I have four sons, all adults now but when they were younger they would spend any spare time gaming, if we went on holiday the games consoles would come too!.But as they became teens whilst they still gamed, they started getting interested in other things, sports, hanging around with their mates, other hobbies, and of couse girls!
I think if it wasn't for lockdown and the season they would not be gaming quite so much.
Your husband sounds like a lost cause, but I wouldn't necessarily worry about the DC's at the moment.
I think as time goes on your DS's will find their father a bit boring and he needs to be aware of this. He is a fully formed adult, he won't "develop" as his sons will.
Beleive me as your Ds's grow up they won't be as obsessive about gaming as he is.
Honestly I don't think you should make and decisions that will have long term effects until our lives return to some form of normality.

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

I think you are being unreasonable.

You're thinking of splitting the family up on the basis that your husband and children share a hobby. Read that again and realise how ridiculous it sounds.

I'm not convinced how much effort you've put in to getting interested in their hobby. Having a Fortnite account - what does that even mean? You can set up an account in minutes, how long have you spent playing it and did you go into it with an open mind or had you already decided you wouldn't enjoy it? Is that the only game you've tried? There are a huge number of game genres out there, try others until you find one you like. It's a bit like saying you hate all movies based on the fact you didn't like The Human Centipede 3.

Rather than trying to change others - which you can't do - try to change yourself. This is something you have in your control. Get interested in gaming, if you can't do that, get interested in something else to fill your time. Don't try to force them into doing things they don't like - it will not encourage a healthy family atmosphere.

Lol! I have no words....none whatsoever

I couldn’t live like this OP. For a start I’d have to sit down with my husband so that he understood how I felt. If he loves you he will help sort this.

@CandidaAlbicans2 I bet she does! If they split he will live in a horrid messy home and consume only takeaways. Whilst that'll be fun for a short while for the boys , they'll hate it long term.

I actually feel quite compelled to post here OP!

Look - you need to think about your own areas of control here instead of raging and railing against your partner - you CAN walk away and set up as a separate houshold and set different boundaries for your children.

Maybe they won't like it - at first - but so what? You are the parent that is the point about boundaries and leading a different example.

You aren't powerless here - you can choose differently - your children need YOU to put boundaries in place but you seem to be totally deflated ( I can understand that)

Decide what you can and can't control - stop wanting the kids to like your choices and make what you think are the best choices in the long term for them.

They might kick and moan about it - but if your house and rules mean outings/ no gaming etc then they will eventually come to undertand that - maybe later as adults they will be very grateful you stopped their gaming addicition.

Who does the cooking and washing clothes? You? Well it is such a bore isn't it when you could be on Mumsnet!

A big part of being a parent is doing activities with our dc that wouldn’t be our first choice.

But this is only true of activities which are valuable and useful for our children, not activities which are actively harmful to their development. My DS enjoys eating chocolate... should I provide him with an unlimited supply of chocolate and stuff my face alongside him because it's what he enjoys? Gaming for a few hours a week might be a shared experience and good for the parent-child relationship. Gaming for 20-30 hours a week for children this young is complete madness.

@Deathraystare

Who does the cooking and washing clothes? You? Well it is such a bore isn't it when you could be on Mumsnet!

Is this the 'D'H?

Personally I'd take a hammer to the WiFi router and then ask dh to leave. If he won't cut down his gaming time for you or the children then he's far too self absorbed to stop his children ending up the same. I think without him there and clear boundaries it would be easier to get the dc doing other things

*@LazyDaisy10

No! I was being sarky and imagining they would eventually realise she had stopped cooking and washing their clothes!

Sounds horrendous. Could this help? I heard about it a couple of years ago when it was in the news, apparently it's a common issue. www.england.nhs.uk/2019/10/children-treated-for-computer-gaming-addiction-under-nhs-long-term-plan/

I hope you are ok OP.
please try to keep thinking about action you can take to improve your life, lots of ideas on here from everyone. It must be really hard but you have everything to live for. I agree that if you do split the boys will soon see a different life with you and eventually thank you for it.

This is so unhealthy and addictive for the children. You have to tall about putting down rules with your husband. No more than 2 hours of gaming per day. They're both going to grow into antisocial men-children, who can never find mates and a relationship!!! Get them to participate in making breakfast/lunch/dinner, chores around the house/yard. Have a movie/game night Saturday and Sunday. Put down structure.

OP , Firstly you need to look after yourself and speak to someone eg: Samaritans regarding your suicidal feelings

You need the strength to deal with this and address with your husband
to find a solution.

Many gamers here have contributed and have shown that gaming can be fun if handled correctly
I have first hand experience of family members and an ex partner for whom gaming was their life far far more than a 'hobby' he is an ex as he would spend up to 12 hours each weekend gaming and refused to wash, eat properly or lift a finger around the house.

Gamers who are addicted will forego eating properly , dont care about hygiene, will stay up all night then try to work and many believe that the people they game with are their friends and if they dont game one night their friends will desert them.
Ive seen a relative actually do interviews for people to join their teams and if they aren't successful the interviewee will beg and plead to join games/ teams this is adults not children.
My Nephew is the sweetest , quietest teenager when he's not gaming , if you suggest stopping gaming for a while his personality changes completely.
Excessive gaming is an addiction and like most addictions cannot be solved by quick fixes like taking the tech away or turning off the wifi .
Op you need to heal yourself before you take this on and if it means leaving the marriage to save your life that is what you will need to do.

I haven’t read the full thread but just wanted to say how much I feel for you OP. You said you have learned through counselling that you cannot change people but that is about adults. You still have a chance to shape how your primary-aged sons grow up. x

It sounds as though they are all addicted. I doubt there's anything you can do with your husband and I would leave him - he sounds awful. With the children I really feel you need to seek medical advice - you won't be strong enough alone to get them off it.

Is your husband doing anything around the house at all? Does he cook, clean, sort out bills?

Do your children do any schoolwork? Is it rushed because of wanting to get back to their games? Do they get any exercise at all? Do they do any chores?

I think YABVU in wanting a game free environment because you don’t enjoy games and YABU in expecting them to prefer the activities you suggest rather than making their own choices.
However, YANBU that they have no life balance at the moment and that your DH is undermining you, and both of those things are a problem.

I think if you leave and have your own place with no consoles (maybe kids allowed consoles in bedrooms with strict time limits on as a compromise) and do other activities with them, they will moan at first but they will get used to this and it will provide a balance for them.

They are definitely young enough to get into this new routine, I don't think you'll lose them. DS1 loves gaming and if given a choice would always choose it over other things, but once we get out and do other stuff he has fun doing that as well. And he's got into other activities once we put limits on it - jigsaws (with me), drawing comics, reading comics, skateboarding.

You are absolutely not be unreasonable about this OP.

Gaming addiction can be quite serious. My ds as a teen had a terrible addiction to WOW and I know of someone who got divorced because of it.

I would be leaving him, I couldn’t put up with this. I left dh when my eldest was 11 for very similar reasons, we never went out and he was often glued to a screen all week end and eldest dc was similar. Now he’s not here anymore the dc’s now leave the house, eldest is still quite lazy and would rather be in front of a screen but once out she soon forgets and enjoys herself, youngest is nothing like him and loves doing lots of different things. They see there dad once a week and spend most of the time in front of a screen but now they are older they have decided that it’s not much fun.

Your dc are young enough to change, your dh isn’t it.

To answer some questions, I don’t have a 20 year old. I have two primary aged kids. I have battled it and tried my best which is what I originally posted. I’ve tried all of the things suggested apart from switching off the internet because that seems extreme, my husband used it for work and it would result in conflict and atmosphere (as everything does/has over years) and I can’t bear the silent treatment or the vicious words/angry tone. My kids hear this stuff. I used to be stronger. We’ve had stand up rows when he let the eldest play age inappropriate shooting games. If I tackle it in anyway it results in pushback. My eldest is openly rude and disrespectful to me. This isn’t a one off. This has been years. I’m worn out and depressed that I have no control and no options beyond drastic action. Lockdown has been extremely hard. Before lockdown me and my eldest went out a couple of times a week on our own so we at least had some outdoor activities together. Now he barely acknowledges my presence. I feel desperate and trapped. I haven’t just tried Fortnite. I’ve tried lots of games but my counsellor said that it’s again me fitting in with them and appeasing when what I really want is some balance and to actually feel part of a healthy and loving family.

Yes I can and have gone out and left them all to it. They don’t care or notice I’m gone. They are perfectly happy just grabbing take out, not showering and stinking.