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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That being left out has upset me

139 replies

PamelaApples · 11/02/2021 02:42

A friend of mine is going through a bad time with her oh and I've been there for her, going for walks, helping when I can, being supportive etc. It's her birthday and she sent me a message saying how she'd been for a cake and booze walk (in the dark) with 3 friends, how much fun they had etc. She told me about it 2 weeks ago and said 2 of them going but didn't invite me. Then tonight I find out there was 4 possibly 5 of them. AIBU to feel sad I wasn't invited or included? They are all a tighter group but we're really good friends, I'm so sad to be not thought of and left out again. Yet I'm told all about it find it hard to be happy when I hear about not being included. 😔

OP posts:
AmberItsACertainty · 11/02/2021 02:44

I'd feel sad too. I guess it comes down to that phrase: don't make someone a priority when they consider you an option.

Original poster
PamelaApples · 11/02/2021 02:55

Thank you Amber, I've not been able to sleep for thinking about it. I don't want to say anything as she has so much on her plate but I know if it was the other way round she'd be upset too.

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 11/02/2021 02:56

I hate it when this happens & I feel for you.

If it's any consolation, I think you could look at it as being a different set of friends and that she doesn't mean to hurt you with it. She told you upfront of her plans, which I think is kinder than hearing after the event; it doesn't suggest secrecy or that she 'knew' she was doing wrong and should try to cover it up.

You may need to look at your friendship and see if it's one you view in the same way as your friend. I have friends with whom I wouldn't say I have tons naturally in common with, but who I would support in times of trouble and vv. I wouldn't expect to be included in their birthday plans or expect them to be upset if I went out with a small group of friends they don't know well. Perhaps consider if that could be the case on her side?

NovemberR · 11/02/2021 03:00

I'd be sad too. And I would scale back the support I was offering her. She's clearly got 4, possibly 5, people she prefers to be with rather than you and I'd suggest she leans a bit more heavily on them.

You sound lovely, but never forget that friendship has to be about give and take. It needs to be a two way process or it's not a friendship. It's her using you for her own selfish needs.

I'd be taking a step back now.

Needsmustnow · 11/02/2021 03:04

Are you part of that circle of friends?

BlueThistles · 11/02/2021 03:06

Block 🌺

Find better kinder friends 🎁

BlueThistles · 11/02/2021 03:08

@Needsmustnow

Are you part of that circle of friends?

OP believes Yes

Her scumbag pal believes No

MrWendel · 11/02/2021 03:11

I would also feel a bit sad OP, and like others have said, it would be worth distancing yourself a little if this is going to bother you.

I don't necessarily think your friend is a "scumbag" as others have said. Friends are a two-way thing - just because OP considered this person a very close friend, does not mean that they needed to reciprocate the same feeling/intensity of friendship.

FlyNow · 11/02/2021 03:14

If they are a set of friends, maybe yabu. I know for myself, I don't really like to mix friendship groups, especially if it's a small thing. Not because I have secrets or anything, I just find it never really goes that well, with the "outsider" usually looking like they aren't having a good time. I'd rather have multiple events with different people/groups.

If you know the others reasonably well yanbu.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 11/02/2021 03:16

My closest friend of more than 30 years has other friendship circles - that she does stuff with them rather than me isn't to exclude me, she just has other friends.

I meet them from time to time outside of Covid - parties etc, but not often. I don't expect to be invited to stuff she does with them - nor for her to invite others to stuff we do together. I don't see that as her being selfish; nor necessarily is your friend, It's a partnership, not an exclusive relationship.

pasturesgreen · 11/02/2021 03:26

I'd take a step back and not be as available, particularly as you mention being left out again, which suggests she has previous form for unkind behaviour.

peachesandclean · 11/02/2021 03:28

I would personally re-evaluate how much time and effort you put into her and helping her, its such a shame she doesn't think about your feelings like that.

I have had friends like this before and although I don't cut them off, I reign in my efforts and not give more than I get back in return.

You deserve better than this, please put yourself first x

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 11/02/2021 03:34

Its shit isn't it @PamelaApples.

I've recently been iced out by a friend of 20years been there constantly there for her but she never me, and the same thing has happened. In time it will get easier and as another poster has said dont make some one a priority if your only a option, because in time karma will bite them on there asses ans by then you will have friends who know your true value and not one to just use you when it suits you.

Your worth such more than them Star

Defenbaker · 11/02/2021 03:38

OP, I had a "friend" like her. I gave her a lot of support through very difficult times in her life, but she was self absorbed and it was all one way.

Maybe this person likes being able to lean on you, and is in the habit of using you as a sounding board, but doesn't think of you as a friend to socialise with. Which is hurtful. I would pull back from this friendship a bit, as she's treating you as an unpaid counsellor.

Ellzbellz123 · 11/02/2021 03:47

Yanbu to be sad that you weren't invited but there could be lots of reasons why that happened. The extra people might have been a last minute thing, or a surprise, or.she sees you as separate to that friendship group, or... or.... Your friend seems to think that you are a good friend as she told you all about it, it's not like you heard about it via someone else, and you say that she's been having a horrible time. Therefore, try and be happy for her because she had a lovely birthday walk. As a pp said, just because she is friends with other people, that doesn't diminish her friendship with you. Of course, if you feel that the friendship is one sided in other ways, and not just at the moment when she needs support, then reevaluate it. But otherwise I think you need to try to think of this not with sadness at you being left out, but with happiness for your friend who has been having a tough time but still managed to have a nice evening.

BeanieB2020 · 11/02/2021 04:01

Are you friends with the friends who went?

It could be that that group of friends didn't want to have anyone outside of their group going because of covid.

Imissmoominmama · 11/02/2021 04:13

I don’t mix my friendship groups. She probably sees you as a group in yourself; someone she does particular things with. I imagine she has no clue about how you’re feeling because there was no malice whatsoever in what she did.

MyOtherProfile · 11/02/2021 04:24

Is this in the UK? Maybe she was trying to keep numbers really low, you know, Covid etc.

But mostly I think what @EveryDayIsADuvetDay said.

bombastical · 11/02/2021 04:30

Stop being her unpaid counsellor. I had a friend like this. Only wanted to hang when I was doing something for her but never included me in fun things she did with other people

TheCatThatGotTheCream · 11/02/2021 05:39

I can't quite get from your message if you're saying that they are a tight group of friends but you're all friends or they're a tight group of friends but you and the girl you've been supporting are good friends?

Either way, it could be that she speaks to you lots and maybe wanted some time with other friends. It's not something that I would be hurt over however I can understand why you are if you're also friends with all of them.

Worried830410 · 11/02/2021 05:43

I feel for you op. well at least now you know not to give her that much of your kind self.
If you were good and close enough to support her through personal relationship problems, then you should be in that 'circle' of close friends.
Sorry op, sounds like she is an emotional user.

CriticalWoman · 11/02/2021 07:42

Perhaps your friend realises you are a decent person who doesn't break lockdown rules, unlike her other friends, so didn't ask you for that reason.

notanothertakeaway · 11/02/2021 07:47

You say yourself that they are a tighter group of friends. She is allowed to socialise with other people

It's not nice when you feel left out, but don't cut her off. Just accept perhaps you aren't as close as you thought. You can still enjoy her company

SkeeterP · 11/02/2021 07:49

@bombastical

Stop being her unpaid counsellor. I had a friend like this. Only wanted to hang when I was doing something for her but never included me in fun things she did with other people
I thought we were only allowed to meet one person outside for exercise? Have I been doing this wrong??
SkeeterP · 11/02/2021 07:51

Is this in the UK? Maybe she was trying to keep numbers really low, you know, Covid etc

I was replying to this post .. sorry @bombastical .. fat fingers Confused

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