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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That being left out has upset me

139 replies

PamelaApples · 11/02/2021 02:42

A friend of mine is going through a bad time with her oh and I've been there for her, going for walks, helping when I can, being supportive etc. It's her birthday and she sent me a message saying how she'd been for a cake and booze walk (in the dark) with 3 friends, how much fun they had etc. She told me about it 2 weeks ago and said 2 of them going but didn't invite me. Then tonight I find out there was 4 possibly 5 of them. AIBU to feel sad I wasn't invited or included? They are all a tighter group but we're really good friends, I'm so sad to be not thought of and left out again. Yet I'm told all about it find it hard to be happy when I hear about not being included. 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
PamelaApples · 11/02/2021 08:55

@lottiegarbanzo

Unless you're also good friends with her other friends and fully part of that group, then you're being precious, disingenuous and a little grasping.

I do understand how sad and deflating it is to feel left out, especially when the person leaving you out tells you about it. But I think you need to give your head a shake and recognise that this is your friend, who you cared about enough to help, telling you that her life is getting back on track - in part thanks to your efforts.

Did you volunteer to help her so that you could become her new bestie?

Or did you recognise a friend in need and offer to help, based on your existing relationship with her?

Where did I say she said her life is getting back on track? It's absolutely not. I'll carry on being there for her obviously. We've been very good friends for 15 years, I'm certainly not helping her for status.
OP posts:
MacDuffsMuff · 11/02/2021 08:56

Where are you based OP? Presumably not in the UK?

Did one of the other friends perhaps arrange this for your friend and that's the reason you weren't asked? It may be that she didn't arrange it herself but one of the others did.

Original poster
PamelaApples · 11/02/2021 08:57

@oneglassandpuzzled

What’s the fine for illegal outdoor gatherings in lockdown?
£10k each I think.
OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 11/02/2021 08:57

Your friend is having a rubbish time and some mates have done something to cheer her up for her birthday. That’s nice. Don’t make it about you. You’ve been trying to cheer her up, too! They are allowed to do just the same.

Jumpalicious · 11/02/2021 08:57

Also genuinely confused. My 2 children aren’t even allowed out to play with (one) friend each atm... even though they’d love to. I thought those were the rules?

As to not being invited. It may be that she sees you as a one to one friend, or maybe she was nervous about a bigger group, or a million other reasons. You cld ask her? Rather than drop her entirely, or dwell?

Mrgrinch · 11/02/2021 08:58

I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who puts an adults birthday above the lives of thousands of people anyway.

5128gap · 11/02/2021 08:58

Yes I would be upset and would tell her i was upset and ask her if there was a reason i wasn't invited.
Of course people can invite who they like to things, but there are certain basic expectations in friendships, one of which to be inclusive unless theres a good reason otherwise.
You can speculate endlessly about why it might have happened but only she can tell you.
Imo people spend too much time trying to second guess others when the answer is often there for the asking.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/02/2021 08:59

There's no problem then is there. You didn't volunteer for status, you're not getting a status boost, so all is ok.

So what's the problem?

UntamedWisteria · 11/02/2021 09:01

They should be reported for breaking lockdown rules.

It's lucky you weren't part of it OP.

Tristatearea · 11/02/2021 09:06

Do her other friends know about her OH issues? I agree with the unpaid counsellor comment and although it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, she may have put you in a different category of friendship.

I’d also wonder if one of the tighter group didn’t enjoy your company or thought you might “tell” about the covid rule breaking and so you weren’t invited.

Either way, I’d not stop being friends but only if the relationship had some more balance. She is entitled to be friends with and see whoever she likes but you aren’t there purely as her sounding board/emotional relief outlet so some fun activities would be a good idea.

Overdoor · 11/02/2021 09:09

Hang on, though, how on earth does a birthday celebration 'cake and booze walk (in the dark)' work? People groping around through trees, slightly pissed, trying to find a cake in the undergrowth? Sounds deeply un-fun.

Or was 'in the dark' a typo for 'in the park'?

Lemonsyellow · 11/02/2021 09:10

Instead of letting things fester, just tell her how you feel. “I didn’t realise so many people were going to your birthday walk. I would like to have been asked. I feel left out.” Tell her what happened (from your viewpoint), how you feel, and what you would like to change in the future.

AnitaB888 · 11/02/2021 09:18

'I'd feel sad too. I guess it comes down to that phrase: don't make someone a priority when they consider you an option.'

This ^ x 100

Howshouldibehave · 11/02/2021 09:22

£10k each I think.

So it probably wasn’t a good idea anyway!

MzHz · 11/02/2021 09:24

@PamelaApples did your ‘friend’ organise this gathering or did they?

I don’t think you should be making her any kind of priority tbh,neither should you ‘be there’ for her.

She’s got friends - 5-6 of them. You have better things to do.

Has it occurred to you that the bad patch she and her oh are going through is possibly because of her doing crappy things to others?

Cornetttttto · 11/02/2021 09:28

I think some people need to grow up and stop this possessiveness. We aren't at school anymore Hmm

Brefugee · 11/02/2021 09:43

Only you know how you want to proceed with this, OP. In your shoes i would be miffed, and if it had kept me awake at night I would realise it's hurt me more than i want it to.

So I'd tell friend that I had been disappointed not to be included.

Then I'd step back a bit and do that "yes dear" thing where you sort of offer an ear/shoulder but just let the person talk while you think about other things.

And then see how the friendship goes from there. But agree that the position of "shoulder to cry on friend" and nothing else is a shit job to have.

Overdoor · 11/02/2021 09:44

@Cornetttttto

I think some people need to grow up and stop this possessiveness. We aren't at school anymore Hmm
I agree, though I'm not sure it's possessiveness or insecurity.

It's certainly one of the most common friendship issues that comes up on here -- there are multiple posts on this exact topic every week. 'I did Supportive Thing X for her, and she didn't invite me to do Fun Thing Y', or variants like 'She was my ONLY bridesmaid and hasn't even asked me to be one of her three' or 'I invited her to my full wedding, and she only invited me to the evening' or 'I introduced Friend A to my other Friend B, and now I just saw on FB that that they went out for dinner together without inviting me' etc.

It's hard to avoid the unstated implication in many of the 'I've been so supportive' scenarios that it's done in the expectation that it advances the 'supporter' in closeness, and hence has a (possibly not always conscious) agenda of expecting a quid pro quo. Whereas you should never give more of yourself emotionally than you can afford, whoever it is you're giving it to. Dropping everything to cater to someone else's emotional needs does not necessarily make you a 'great friend' -- and the assumption too often on here is that it does.

Overdoor · 11/02/2021 09:45

Sorry, that should read 'IF it's possessiveness or insecurity.'

BoyTree · 11/02/2021 09:55

There's no problem then is there. You didn't volunteer for status, you're not getting a status boost, so all is ok.

This is such an unexpected way to view friendship - I had no idea people thought this way. It explains a lot about the problems people experience with friends.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/02/2021 09:56

just because OP considered this person a very close friend, does not mean that they needed to reciprocate the same feeling/intensity of friendship.

That's harsh. It's true that it doesn't, and true too that a friendship isn't an exclusive relationship, but the discovery that one party has invested far more in that relationship than the other is hurtful.

This is why I don't much go in for 'friendship groups'. All my close friends have and see other friends, some of whom have little or nothing by way of a relationship with me. We therefore don't all socialise together.

If it's a close-knit circle and one member is constantly being left out, that's nasty. Particularly so if that person is merely used as a sounding board for her friend's problems, that the friendship isn't reciprocal and she shoulders more of the emotional burden of that friendship without any of the fun. If that's the case I'd be putting some distance between me and the 'friendship'.

Possessiveness when friends see other friends IS childish, but I glean from the OP that the situation is a little more nuanced than that.

Also just for ONE thread can people just stop harping on the interminable Lockdown Rules? They are not relevant to the dilemma the OP has asked for advice about, nor has she in any way indicated she's personally broken those rules.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/02/2021 10:00

@Ellzbellz123

Yanbu to be sad that you weren't invited but there could be lots of reasons why that happened. The extra people might have been a last minute thing, or a surprise, or.she sees you as separate to that friendship group, or... or.... Your friend seems to think that you are a good friend as she told you all about it, it's not like you heard about it via someone else, and you say that she's been having a horrible time. Therefore, try and be happy for her because she had a lovely birthday walk. As a pp said, just because she is friends with other people, that doesn't diminish her friendship with you. Of course, if you feel that the friendship is one sided in other ways, and not just at the moment when she needs support, then reevaluate it. But otherwise I think you need to try to think of this not with sadness at you being left out, but with happiness for your friend who has been having a tough time but still managed to have a nice evening.
Could you be any more dismissive of the OP's feelings? I can't believe that you read OP's post and this is your conclusion.
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 11/02/2021 10:00

Well if in the uk they were breaking the law. Maybe she knew you would disapprove?

saraclara · 11/02/2021 10:00

Also just for ONE thread can people just stop harping on the interminable Lockdown Rules?

Good luck with that, @MarieIVanArkleStinks!

5128gap · 11/02/2021 10:03

@Cornetttttto

I think some people need to grow up and stop this possessiveness. We aren't at school anymore Hmm
No we are not at school, and in adult friendships we are entitled to expect our friends to have enough emotional maturity to realise that leaving one friend out of a group activity is likely to cause them to be hurt. This is not possesiveness, as OP isn't saying she doesn't want her friend to see other people. She is simply wondering why she was the only one of a group of mutual friends to be excluded. To me, this, without good reason, is the sort of behaviour you may see in the playground, but not from adult women who are supposed to be friends.