That being left out has upset me

[PamelaApples]

A friend of mine is going through a bad time with her oh and I've been there for her, going for walks, helping when I can, being supportive etc. It's her birthday and she sent me a message saying how she'd been for a cake and booze walk (in the dark) with 3 friends, how much fun they had etc. She told me about it 2 weeks ago and said 2 of them going but didn't invite me. Then tonight I find out there was 4 possibly 5 of them. AIBU to feel sad I wasn't invited or included? They are all a tighter group but we're really good friends, I'm so sad to be not thought of and left out again. Yet I'm told all about it find it hard to be happy when I hear about not being included. 😔

I'm sorry.

You're right, she just didn't think... but it does show that she'd rather spend time with them.

Scale it back a bit. Don't make her your priority when you're not hers.

@yvanka

Your chances of catching covid outside are approximately 0.

But social gatherings of more than 2 are against the law (and not just against the guidance) whatever the actual risk of transmitting the virus in that situation is.

That sucks OP

Also just for ONE thread can people just stop harping on the interminable Lockdown Rules?

Yes - why should every one be such lemmings and follow lockdown rules for the betterment of everyone?! What idiots those of us trying to follow rules are, when these oh so special ones dont! How dare we call people out on their selfishness - they NEED to see their friends FAR more than I need to see my family, how selfish I am

It sounds like an unequal friendship that you'd now be best to rebalance to YOUR needs.

Otherwise you are going to feel used.

That's rubbish OP, sorry. As previous posters have said, if you're not a priority for her maybe have a think about how much effort you're putting into this relationship. It should be a 2-way process.

I don’t really have a solution OP but I just wanted to say that I think it’s normal to feel like you are in this sort of situation.

It has happened to me recently too - I am in a “triple” of old school friends and the other 2 regularly go running together and I don’t get an invite. I appreciate exercise is limited to 2 people together at the minute (but this has been happening longer than this lockdown) and I am rubbish at running so would completely slow them down, but I still feel sad that I’m deprived of the opportunity to spend time with them and don’t get asked.

@CriticalWoman I, like many others, have moved on to acting on logic not blindly following rules that make completely no sense.

I think had this happened pre or post covid, you wouldn’t have given it headspace. Issues like this are magnified atm. You would probably have had other stuff on when not in lockdown, and wouldn’t focus on what others are doing as you’d be busy doing your own thing. Because we’re basically not able to do much of anything, we zone in on things like this. As pp have said, maybe they just wanted to have a comfortable group, very familiar with each other. She may have many friends on the edge like you, and obviously couldn’t invite lots of people without drawing attention to the fact covid rules were being broken.

No I've had this happen and it hurts anytime.

@PamelaApples

This birthday celebration of your friend sounds really shit idea anyway ,its bloody freezing,cold dry wet combo weather.

I don't think it was that much fun !
She was just exaggerating it.!

I think you op proberly had more fun staying in the house watching the telly or being on YouTube internet than her.😊

I do think Consirdering you know all her friends,i would just protect yourself emotionally,by scaling back from being her emotional needs friend.
And forcus more on yourself looking after your emotional needs a lot better.
And focus on connecting to good friends who are defiantly not as emotionally draining/needy as her,this particular friend.

I do sense that you are emotional people pleaser far too much.
And you need to address find out why you neglect your emotional needs so much.

You need to put in place healthy sound boundaries to protect yourself from emotionally manipulative needy vampires people who drain you emotionally like crazy.

Learn to know who these types of people are to either avoid or spend less time with them.

They are no good for you,and often take advantage of your kind emotional empathic ways.

You need to explore why you attract this emotionally needy dynamic often in friendshops/relantships op.

Best of luck
Take care lots of hugs x

Its only natural that you would be feeling hurt,I'd be more inclined to be not as available to be her sounding board though.I think if you find out who the organiser was,therein lies your answer.Is there anyone in that group that may be a teensy bit jealous of you for any reason and would take enjoyment of leaving you out,there really are some sad individuals that take great pleasures in making other people sad when really they are the sad onesfor you and a and. Of course everyone is entitled to have loads of friends but this would hurt

[quote yvanka]@CriticalWoman I, like many others, have moved on to acting on logic not blindly following rules that make completely no sense.[/quote]
So following the law (not merely guidance) is a matter of personal choice now?

I can understand that you feel hurt about this and left out. It might be a sign that you aren't considered to be part of that group. It doesn't mean your friend doesn't see you as a good friend or that she doesn't appreciate you, but just that you aren't one of the core of "the gang".

CriticalWoman It is. It's the same as speeding or buying beer for a 17 year old. Technically illegal but I am not following rules that negatively impact my life when the science has proven that they're unnecessary. No judgement though, if you don't feel comfortable thinking for yourself then best stick with whatever takes Boris' fancy next.

This is exactly the sort of gathering which sets out to break the rules - dark so nobody sees you; a walk, so you can split up to pretend to be getting exercise independently of one another; booze so people will become a bit freer and less inhibited: hugging, getting close etc.

If it were four or five, that's a big breach of the rules. Your friend has been upset, so friends will want to get close and squeeze her arm. She could have gone for five walks with five friends and had some cake at home - just like everyone else up and down the country will be doing.

If people didn't break the rules, there might be more scope for government to allow grater flexibility within them, e.g. for two mums with a child each to meet for exercise, or some other slight variation. Think of all the only children not having any friends for their birthday.

@yvanka

CriticalWoman It is. It's the same as speeding or buying beer for a 17 year old. Technically illegal but I am not following rules that negatively impact my life when the science has proven that they're unnecessary. No judgement though, if you don't feel comfortable thinking for yourself then best stick with whatever takes Boris' fancy next.

Technically illegal? So actually illegal then?

I think most people would feel left out. It’s a birthday celebration not a general meet-up. I’d definitely think more about the friendship and how much you are putting into it.

Nice for you yvanka that you apparently have the financial means to choose which laws to break, or does your system of thinking for yourself go so far as being prepared to go to prison for non-payment of fines?

Nice for you yvanka that you apparently have the financial means to choose which laws to break, or does your system of thinking for yourself go so far as being prepared to go to prison for non-payment of fines?

If you want to start this tedious, everlasting argument yet again perhaps you would be polite enough to start your own thread rather than derailing someone else's with irrelevant, off-topic opinions. Preferably on the Coronavirus board, where those of us who are sick of having the tits bored off us by this regurgitated, irrelevant bilge won't have to read it.

The OP's question is perfectly clearly comprehensible: AIBU to feel sad I wasn't invited or included? Simple language. Perfectly easy to deduce that she was not involved in her friends' actions and is not answerable for what they may or may not have done.

This constant weighing in on other posters' threads and splitting hairs over barely-relevant details is frankly pathetic. Your attempts at policing The Rules oddly enough doesn't set you on some kind of moral high ground when what you are doing is petty nitpicking at best.

At worst, it's bullying. Pack it in.

Technically illegal? So actually illegal then?

This. There's no "technically" about it.

Sorry this happened OP tbh I'd tell her I'm upset then block her shes/ they are not your friends

I think another poster made a good suggestion that the friend may have left out anyone who she felt might disapprove of rule-breaking - or be scared of getting caught.

It could be that the gang who came knew each other and somebody else was instrumental in covertly organising the midnight feast, or moonlit jog, and it was just easier, because what they were doing was illegal and socially unsanctionable, and they couldn't really do much explaining and emailing about it when arranging it. It could have been forced on friend by a kindly mate who thought she needed cheering up and who didn't have OPs number. It could have been people who have a link such as work and so easier for them to quickly agree something you can't openly discuss.

It wouldn't be at all surprising if rather than being extraneous to the facts, Covid considerations influenced who got invited.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Nice for you yvanka that you apparently have the financial means to choose which laws to break, or does your system of thinking for yourself go so far as being prepared to go to prison for non-payment of fines?

If you want to start this tedious, everlasting argument yet again perhaps you would be polite enough to start your own thread rather than derailing someone else's with irrelevant, off-topic opinions. Preferably on the Coronavirus board, where those of us who are sick of having the tits bored off us by this regurgitated, irrelevant bilge won't have to read it.

The OP's question is perfectly clearly comprehensible: AIBU to feel sad I wasn't invited or included? Simple language. Perfectly easy to deduce that she was not involved in her friends' actions and is not answerable for what they may or may not have done.

This constant weighing in on other posters' threads and splitting hairs over barely-relevant details is frankly pathetic. Your attempts at policing The Rules oddly enough doesn't set you on some kind of moral high ground when what you are doing is petty nitpicking at best.

At worst, it's bullying. Pack it in.

I've not been condemning the OP, neither have others on here by pointing out that her friend has been seemingly breaking the law. So no MN rules broken either.

Sorry op.
I had something similar a while ago (friends meeting up a few times and then telling me about it afterwards). It hit me surprisingly hard. My life wasn’t falling apart or anything but I did make me feel really sad, in a way I wouldn’t have thought was possible. It took me a while to move on from it... and them.

As a one off I wouldn’t read too much into it, but if it’s repeated I guess you need to decide if you’re happy with the balance of your friendship.

I’d suggest talking to her about it, but that didn’t work for me and I was told they want an issue even though there clearly was.