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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That being left out has upset me

139 replies

PamelaApples · 11/02/2021 02:42

A friend of mine is going through a bad time with her oh and I've been there for her, going for walks, helping when I can, being supportive etc. It's her birthday and she sent me a message saying how she'd been for a cake and booze walk (in the dark) with 3 friends, how much fun they had etc. She told me about it 2 weeks ago and said 2 of them going but didn't invite me. Then tonight I find out there was 4 possibly 5 of them. AIBU to feel sad I wasn't invited or included? They are all a tighter group but we're really good friends, I'm so sad to be not thought of and left out again. Yet I'm told all about it find it hard to be happy when I hear about not being included. 😔

OP posts:
malificent7 · 11/02/2021 07:56

Id be hurt op but they were breaking lockdown rules so best off out of that event.

Theluggagerules · 11/02/2021 08:05

This would upset me, and in fact similar has done in the past. The only way I found to deal with it was to look at our friendship properly. I then saw that whereas I was there for them good and bad times, they only wanted me to be there when things were bad, the fun times were for other people. Once you've seen that it's easier to take a step back and stop prioritising people who don't prioritise you

Overdoor · 11/02/2021 08:16

What @EveryDayIsADuvetDay said. My friends haven’t signed up to an exclusive relationship with me, and I don’t get to expect to be included in all their social events, especially ones that are made up of a different, closer group of a friends’ friends. Especially during COVID.

With one caveat, OP — don’t brand yourself as the ‘sad times support friend’. You clearly feel your attentiveness should have ‘earned’ you an invitation, but often (not necessarily in this situation), it means that you’re too associated with gloom and vulnerability to be an obvious invitee to fun stuff.

grapewine · 11/02/2021 08:17

It would upset me too. If it were me I'd definitely be less available for support after this.

That's without commenting on lockdown rules.

PinkyParrot · 11/02/2021 08:20

Bringing an outsider into an existing group of friends breaking lockdown rules would be risky - it was probably meant to be kept secret - it's maybe more covid related than anything else

JillsFlapjacks · 11/02/2021 08:23

If you're already part of that circle of friends then YANBU. But if that group is generally separate from your friendship with her, then I don't see that she's done anything wrong really.

TenThousandSpoons · 11/02/2021 08:25

Do you know the other friends? I think that makes a big difference.

toodleloooo · 11/02/2021 08:25

If you're close enough with the group that it seems a bit of an oversight I'd be tempted to say something like: "Oi - where was my invite!". Light (I know you're worried about upsetting your friend further) but still makes the point that you would have liked to be there. Hopefully it's just a one off.

CeibaTree · 11/02/2021 08:29

That does sound mean - are you usually included with that particular group of friends?

Stillgoings · 11/02/2021 08:31

It depends if you are friends with all of them or.just her. I have 3 really good friends from years back and even though I have a really good favourite friend now, I probably wouldn't invite her if I was with the first 3. I keep things separate. Would only meet one person for an outside walk now though

sugarcherry · 11/02/2021 08:32

It's hurtful. Doesn't matter what the reason is. For the OP it has upset her.
I'm sure many of us have experienced similar in our lives and felt that it was a choice of the others to not be involved or invited.
Hold you head high. It'll pass, I promise. And there's better friends waiting in your future.
People who disclude others that are supposed to be friends always end up without a friendship group themselves. It's a shitty move.
Big hug to you OP.

BrimfulOfBaba · 11/02/2021 08:33

It really depends on how well you know the other people she was with. It might sting but she isn't obligated to invite you to all her social activities.

PegasusReturns · 11/02/2021 08:34

The cries to block or dump your friend are insane Confused

I can understand why you feel upset and it’s fine to be disappointed but your friend has done nothing wrong: she’s entitled to have other friends and she’s not tried to mislead you in anyway.

Clicketyclick21 · 11/02/2021 08:35

She comes to you for emotional support probably because the other friends don't provide that. I would scale back, become less available & refer her back to her 'fun' friends for the emotional support. She'll soon find out who is good for what and you should protect yourself emotionally from her.

Howshouldibehave · 11/02/2021 08:35

Can you explain a bit more about the group of friends? They are tight knit? Are you in that group-were you all best friends at school or something? Or are they all a bit closer than you?

I don’t actually think she’s done anything wrong. If she has been going through a bad time-I expect lots of her friends have been texting to say how she is and suggesting walks.

It could be that this close group of friends suggested a walk out for her birthday to cheer her up and she was thrilled (hence telling you about it). Should she have refused to go unless you were invited as well?

I have a few little groups of friends-some do stuff together in normal times, some are pretty separate. I’d cut her some slack if she’s been going through a horrid time. I would imagine they were trying to keep it small with covid etc

CeeceeBloomingdale · 11/02/2021 08:35

I imagine one of her friends organised it for her therefore she didn't do the inviting. She hasn't kept it a secret from you which I think she would if it was a deliberate exclusion.

Miltonj · 11/02/2021 08:39

She told you about it before and after so she probably doesn't see it as leaving you out.
It may feel like rejection and exclusion which are horrible feelings but that's obviously not how she feels! Sounds like she just assumed you wouldn't be interested/are part of a different friend group. Would be different if she said she wasn't doing anything, and then afterwards you found out via social media or something. I would make it clear you'd be interested in joining in 'oh that sounds like fun, if you do that again, I'd definitely be up for it'!

oneglassandpuzzled · 11/02/2021 08:40

@PamelaApples

A friend of mine is going through a bad time with her oh and I've been there for her, going for walks, helping when I can, being supportive etc. It's her birthday and she sent me a message saying how she'd been for a cake and booze walk (in the dark) with 3 friends, how much fun they had etc. She told me about it 2 weeks ago and said 2 of them going but didn't invite me. Then tonight I find out there was 4 possibly 5 of them. AIBU to feel sad I wasn't invited or included? They are all a tighter group but we're really good friends, I'm so sad to be not thought of and left out again. Yet I'm told all about it find it hard to be happy when I hear about not being included. 😔
Well at least you weren’t breaking lockdown rules.
LemonTT · 11/02/2021 08:41

I know my close friends have other friends. If I was organising a thing from my friend I might just do it within the group I am part of. This is more likely at the moment.

I could not get worked up to not be invited to a nighttime celebration in the UK at the moment. It’s freezing, muddy and wet.

Original poster
PamelaApples · 11/02/2021 08:44

Thanks for the replies everyone. I genuinely don't think she did it with any malice but just hasn't thought telling me all about it before and after would be upsetting. The walk was essentially her party and I think a lot of ppl would be sad to not be invited to their good friends party. The rest are a tighter group together but I'm friends with all of them and they all came to my party (pre covid). I think I thought we were closer than we obviously are.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 11/02/2021 08:49

@PamelaApples

Thanks for the replies everyone. I genuinely don't think she did it with any malice but just hasn't thought telling me all about it before and after would be upsetting. The walk was essentially her party and I think a lot of ppl would be sad to not be invited to their good friends party. The rest are a tighter group together but I'm friends with all of them and they all came to my party (pre covid). I think I thought we were closer than we obviously are.
I think you are reading way too much into it. It’s not a party-you probably would have been invited if it was normal times and it was a party. But it’s not, it’s a lockdown. They did a small meeting, which they shouldn’t have done anyway. Adding more people would have been risky.
WhittlingWinnie · 11/02/2021 08:49

Could it be that she was waiting for you to offer to come too? She may have not wanted to put you on the spot by asking.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/02/2021 08:50

Unless you're also good friends with her other friends and fully part of that group, then you're being precious, disingenuous and a little grasping.

I do understand how sad and deflating it is to feel left out, especially when the person leaving you out tells you about it. But I think you need to give your head a shake and recognise that this is your friend, who you cared about enough to help, telling you that her life is getting back on track - in part thanks to your efforts.

Did you volunteer to help her so that you could become her new bestie?

Or did you recognise a friend in need and offer to help, based on your existing relationship with her?

oneglassandpuzzled · 11/02/2021 08:50

What’s the fine for illegal outdoor gatherings in lockdown?

Sloth66 · 11/02/2021 08:53

Perhaps she sees you as more of a counsellor, someone to listen to and support her? These sort of friendships can be one sided, and perhaps it’s time to look at the friendship and take a step back.