Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That being left out has upset me

139 replies

PamelaApples · 11/02/2021 02:42

A friend of mine is going through a bad time with her oh and I've been there for her, going for walks, helping when I can, being supportive etc. It's her birthday and she sent me a message saying how she'd been for a cake and booze walk (in the dark) with 3 friends, how much fun they had etc. She told me about it 2 weeks ago and said 2 of them going but didn't invite me. Then tonight I find out there was 4 possibly 5 of them. AIBU to feel sad I wasn't invited or included? They are all a tighter group but we're really good friends, I'm so sad to be not thought of and left out again. Yet I'm told all about it find it hard to be happy when I hear about not being included. 😔

OP posts:
MacDuffsMuff · 11/02/2021 10:04

@lottiegarbanzo

There's no problem then is there. You didn't volunteer for status, you're not getting a status boost, so all is ok.

So what's the problem?

Sorry if I'm being a bit thick, but I don't understand what this means? Do friends 'volunteer for status'? How?

OP, I think you know that she doesn't need to invite you (if indeed she was the one doing the inviting and not one of the other friends) and that perhaps this group are just closer friends? If you ALL hang out together in normal circumstances I could understand more but it sounds like although you know the others, you're not particularly close with them. Is that right? If she's telling you about it it sounds like she doesn't think this would be an issue for you.

They're all twats anyway for breaking lockdown.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/02/2021 10:05

PamelaApples, there really ought to be a fine imposed on the self-appointed lockdown 'prefects' who make it their business to bleat on about it on every thread. Ignore them!

I agree with the posters who've actually read your thread and picked up on the abject unfairness and crass behaviour of your 'friend', the one you've supported and who has just left you out of birthday celebrations with mutual friends.

I would absolutely dial back my support; in fact I just wouldn't be available to her any longer. She has enough friends who are able to prop her up, she doesn't deserve to add you to that list. You deserve far better friends than she is.

Classicbrunette · 11/02/2021 10:05

This is why I don’t want “friends” they just cause grief !

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 11/02/2021 10:06

They (lockdown rules) are not relevant to the dilemma the OP has asked for advice about,

Well actually they are - OP is upset about not being invited to join a group of friends in breaking the law. Not rules, law.

MacDuffsMuff · 11/02/2021 10:06

Also just for ONE thread can people just stop harping on the interminable Lockdown Rules?

Maybe people are just pissed off at not being able to see loved ones, still, while others continue to do what the fuck they like?

riddles26 · 11/02/2021 10:08

@AnitaB888

'I'd feel sad too. I guess it comes down to that phrase: don't make someone a priority when they consider you an option.'

This ^ x 100

Agree with this too. I have been in your shoes and it is a horrible sinking feeling. I certainly wouldn't cut a longstanding friendship based on this but I also wouldn't drop everything for this friend and be available whenever they needed something
Brefugee · 11/02/2021 10:12

Also just for ONE thread can people just stop harping on the interminable Lockdown Rules?

That gave me a good chuckle. The Lockdown Rule Breaking Outrage on MN is what is keeping a lot of people warm during this cold snap.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/02/2021 10:26

@MacDuffsMuff The post you're quoting was to OP and follows from mine at 8.50 and OP's response at 8.55am.

She knew this group was closer to each other than to her. She volunteered to help her friend knowing this. Her 'friendship status' has not been boosted to 'new bestie and member of the inner circle'. But, as she didn't help with that aim in mind, all is well in the world.

Or would be, if she hadn't just discovered that actually, she did expect her relationships, with friend and group, to change and is upset they haven't.

CeibaTree · 11/02/2021 10:37

@MacDuffsMuff

Also just for ONE thread can people just stop harping on the interminable Lockdown Rules?

Maybe people are just pissed off at not being able to see loved ones, still, while others continue to do what the fuck they like?

OK but the OP didn't do this and I doubt her friend is reading this thread, so all these lockdown comments are irrelevant to the OP.
CriticalWoman · 11/02/2021 10:37

Also just for ONE thread can people just stop harping on the interminable Lockdown Rules?
Can people stop breaking lockdown rules?

WildfirePonie · 11/02/2021 10:38

Also just for ONE thread can people just stop harping on the interminable Lockdown Rules?

Yes, not every poster is from the UK.......

dipdips · 11/02/2021 10:43

I had a friend like this - she leaned on me really heavily when her children were little, she didn't have family nearby and I became that sort of replacement. But she did the fun stuff with other people. I took a step back. You can't change people, and she didn't feel any guilt for leaning on me and then not being there for me in the same way when I needed someone, and I wasn't about to change her personality. We have a decent relationship now, can enjoy the odd walk but not nearly so close. Funnily enough I had to do a similar thing with my Dad who slightly used and abused me through his chaotic life, and the minute I stepped back he respected me more and we have a better relationship now.

CriticalWoman · 11/02/2021 10:43

@WildfirePonie

Also just for ONE thread can people just stop harping on the interminable Lockdown Rules?

Yes, not every poster is from the UK.......

The op's friend's furtive meet up arrangements in the dark suggest she is somewhere where meet ups are not allowed
LindaEllen · 11/02/2021 10:50

If you're in England, she was being incredibly unreasonable to have a 'booze and cake walk' with multiple people during a national lockdown. To be honest, that kind of selfishness would leave me reconsidering the friendship.

I'd hope that you wouldn't have gone even if you were invited.

seashells11 · 11/02/2021 10:56

I've noticed that "friends" who deliberately leave a particular friend out always seem to love to let that friend know about it in a pretend absent minded sort of way. They obviously enjoy the thought of the hurt it will cause.

Pleasedontputthatthere · 11/02/2021 11:06

Hold on, is there a lockdown or something what's all this chat of breaking the rules?

Seriously thought, does every thread have to descend into a discussion about bloody lockdown rules. Some folk have rightly had a enough.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 11/02/2021 11:11

Some folk have rightly had a enough.

We all have had enough, and the sooner we all get out of this, the better. Which won't happen if people keep mixing.

Eckhart · 11/02/2021 11:12

Do you think that every time she sees some friends she has to invite all her friends?

If so, how could that be done, practically?

If not, why are you hurt when she sees other friends without seeing you?

Also, she may be insensitive to your feelings because you don't tell her about them. Accept some responsibility here. If you say to her you were hurt because she didn't invite you on her birthday, she may well be really sorry, and have thought you were otherwise engaged or thought you preferred to meet her one to one. Or, she may dismiss your feelings, in which case, you'll need to re-evaluate the friendship. But sitting quietly and hurting isn't going to help you or the friendship. If you can't tell her how you feel, then you're not behaving like a friend. You have to give her a chance.

SofiaMichelle · 11/02/2021 11:14

@MacDuffsMuff

Also just for ONE thread can people just stop harping on the interminable Lockdown Rules?

Maybe people are just pissed off at not being able to see loved ones, still, while others continue to do what the fuck they like?

Exactly.

If the OP was "my friend got drunk and took other friends for a drive in her car, leaving me out", there would have been a chorus of absolute outrage and no one would even think about the 'left out' aspect.

But because lockdown laws are optional on MN then the law breaking must be ignored in this case.

Instead of feeling down, you should be letting your 'friend' know what you think of her and her cronies' blatant law breaking, OP.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/02/2021 11:14

Oooh look at the derail! I'll just take one choice comment from the self-anointed Covid Police, although as predicted there are already a kazillion variations on the same (tedious) theme:

Maybe people are just pissed off at not being able to see loved ones, still, while others continue to do what the fuck they like?

And so? What's observation got to do with me? Or OP? Or the particular friendship dilemma OP has posted about?

The sum total of nothing. It has nothing, zero, nada, nil, zilch, F.A., sweet bugger all, to do with this thread.

Some reading comprehension wouldn't go amiss. This virus seems to have destroyed what minor capacity for criticality or reason some people seem to have possessed in the first place.

IndecentFeminist · 11/02/2021 11:18

Perhaps a friend organised it?

yvanka · 11/02/2021 11:27

Your chances of catching covid outside are approximately 0.

Overdoor · 11/02/2021 11:30

@Classicbrunette

This is why I don’t want “friends” they just cause grief !
They don't, though. Or not necessarily. I have plenty of friendships and I have literally never had this issue, or anything like it.
Thelnebriati · 11/02/2021 11:32

People who keep one second class friend to lean on are takers. Its understandable to feel upset when they go out of their way to let you know you have been left out.

littlepattilou · 11/02/2021 11:35

@PamelaApples YANBU at all.

I would totally grass them up for breaking lockdown rules if I were you.

Don't know how you can prove anything though. Unless you have access to photos.

And yeah, scale down your 'support.' You may think of her as a close friend, but she clearly doesn't think of YOU as one.