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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That being left out has upset me

139 replies

PamelaApples · 11/02/2021 02:42

A friend of mine is going through a bad time with her oh and I've been there for her, going for walks, helping when I can, being supportive etc. It's her birthday and she sent me a message saying how she'd been for a cake and booze walk (in the dark) with 3 friends, how much fun they had etc. She told me about it 2 weeks ago and said 2 of them going but didn't invite me. Then tonight I find out there was 4 possibly 5 of them. AIBU to feel sad I wasn't invited or included? They are all a tighter group but we're really good friends, I'm so sad to be not thought of and left out again. Yet I'm told all about it find it hard to be happy when I hear about not being included. 😔

OP posts:

MorganKitten · 11/02/2021 18:42

Where did I say she said her life is getting back on track? It's absolutely not.

Well that’s harsh

Lollipop1234 · 11/02/2021 22:34

Yes I’ve had this a few times in the past and felt hurt.

I’m not a needy friend, and don’t feel I need to be involved in everything friends do, but have been left out of certain things that I’d have been expected to be included in.

My experience with a similar friend is that while I wouldn’t say anything and would try not to be upset in this position when she didn’t include me, but if I did the same she would bring it up at the first opportunity.

Perhaps it’s my fault for coming across like I don’t care?

Retrogal · 11/02/2021 22:39

It's only human to want to feel included. We are social beings and rely on others around us for support, which goes back to caveman times! Being left out is a horrible feeling and a very natural response

DanceLikeAdamAnt · 11/02/2021 22:42

You are not being unreasonable to be hurt by that. It was her birthday, so her day, and she could have said, oh, I"d like to include @PamelaApples but she didn't do that . Of course that would be hurtful.

Every time I've been excluded it's made me a bit stronger though. Every time I'm friends with somebody,they have closer friends than me. I'm used to it now.

Tanfastic · 11/02/2021 22:45

If you are all part of the same friendship group then yanbu but if you aren't then yabu.

I have different friendship groups and don't tend to mix them. I.e I have a best mate which I tend to do things on my own with and other groups of mates who I'd go out for a drink with or colleagues etc.

DrManhattan · 11/02/2021 22:53

I would ask her and tell her it made you feel a bit crap. Or you could ask her in a joking way. I would want to know. Could be loads of reasons and not at all sinister. Xx

Howshouldibehave · 11/02/2021 22:58

What’s the fine for illegal outdoor gatherings in lockdown?£10k each I think

I presume by your answer to this question that if you are aware of this fact, you’d realise it was a pretty daft idea and wouldn’t have wanted to go anyway?!

combatbarbie · 11/02/2021 23:10

Regardless of covid, I think it's pretty piss poor behaviour OP and I'd be miffed too.

For the haters, I go for a socially distanced boozy dog walk with my friend once a week in the woods behind our village. Capped pouches are your friend here and with the world the way it is, why the hell not! Home schooling + WFH and all the rest of the crap that goes with it, I look forward to it!

nzborn · 11/02/2021 23:12

As they say, we only need 5 quality friends so she can get what she needs from them,I'd go low contact and focus on myself.

partyatthepalace · 11/02/2021 23:24

Well there is some OTT advice on this thread to cut her off. I don’t see any reason to do that. You’ve said yourself they are a tight group of friends. And the fact she let you know indicates there is no intent to hurt.

However... the fact she didn’t suggest doing something w you to mark her b’day might indicate you aren’t a top priority. So I’d pull back a bit, be friendly but not endlessly available and see how it settles.

Howshouldibehave · 11/02/2021 23:28

So her tight/close good group of friends suggested a boozy walk with her her birthday. Illegal, could incur massive fines as you say, and I wouldn’t do it, but that’s what they did-she presumably enjoyed it, which considering she was feeling really rubbish, probably meant a lot on her birthday. What did you suggest to do?

livefornaps · 11/02/2021 23:57

I would have driven past them and then mooned them with my big pale butt cheeks pressed against the window. The joys of a night time walk.

Completelyunassertive · 12/02/2021 00:26

I'm still a bit confused as to whether you are actually in this group of close friends or not, OP.

If you are good friends with them all, and are normally part of the group and invited to things (pre lockdown of course, to the Covid police on this thread!) then I would be upset in your situation and would say to your friend that you are upset and why. I find with good friends it's better to be upfront if they have upset you and vice versa. Telling her how you feel will also probably mean that she doesn't leave you out or forget about you again. I'd also offer less support and help to her in future. It sounds as though she uses you as a bit of a counsellor.

If you're not part of that group normally then I wouldn't be that bothered about not being invited. However, if that friend doesn't do fun things with you and just uses you for support and as a listening service then I would also offer less support in this situation too; don't reply to texts straight away, or if she calls you then sometimes be busy and tell her you'll call her back later.

5128gap · 12/02/2021 14:21

@livefornaps

I would have driven past them and then mooned them with my big pale butt cheeks pressed against the window. The joys of a night time walk.

This! With 'This is the police and you're flouting lockdown' tattood on one and 'selfish!!!' on the other.

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