Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

I agree it is a wonderful problem

• heads your win; tails you win! Wonderful to have a bright all rounder too.

Let us know what you eventually decide.

My mother went to boarding school. I asked her as a teen why she hadn't sent us (as she had seemingly positive memories of it), and she simply said she couldnt bear to send any of us away. Now I have my own children I can't imagine it either. I enjoy their company too much.

@BooksMusicSnacks

I would also add that my own parents could probably comment on this post about all the positives of boarding school and for all intents and purposes assume I was happy there. (I wasn't unhappy. I just cracked on with it.)

They don't know how I feel about it because I won't talk to them about it. I hold them and many others at arms length.

Ah yes, this absolutely.

So often on these threads I see the same lines from parents of today's boarders as my mum used to say. She's so independent, she loves it, we just get the fun times etc etc. And OP you'd probably say them and believe them too.

I haven't got any experience in boarding schools, but I think if he's got the opportunity, then grab it. It's a life opportunity he won't get again, and from what you've said of him, it sounds like he's an ideal candidate for boarding - personality-wise.

Plus, if he hates it, he can always leave and join the local school instead. Much easier to make the move in that direction, especially as the boarding school offer is probably a "one time only" offer.

I think if you don't at least TRY it, you AND your son, will always find yourself a bit wondering, "what if...?"

I'm a bit surprised by the number of PPs who would choose the boarding school. In these circumstances, I would select the state school in a heartbeat. It's more academic (a huge advantage), sporty, and local. I would consider boarding school for a 13-year-old (though definitely not for a younger child) only if he were extremely keen and the local school had obvious drawbacks. But the OP's son seems very flexible and neutral about the subject and the local school sounds brilliant. I can't actually see anything to recommend boarding in this situation. And the issue of negatively affecting family relationships would be of real concern, especially if his sisters are being educated at home.

With today's technology I wouldn't hesitate to send him to the boarding school as long as he was happy to go.

You'll get lots of opportunities to see him (without taking up his whole weekend) and it will be easy to keep in touch and keep an eye.

As he gets older you'll see less of him at home anyway, between school, sport and friends.

He's very lucky to have the choice, but I'd be leaning towards boarding.

If my choices were outstanding state versus private I would choose state for many reasons - meeting a wider variety of children and not thinking being uber rich is the norm wld be part of it.

Why enter a world of the privileged elite when you have excellent state education on offer and he is a high aciever anyway?

I hung out with a lot of boarding school boys in my late teens they were serious drug takers and a lot of them very damaged tbh.

Can he try the boarding?? It might actually strengthen your relationship... ultimately where is he going to get the best education and opportunities? Boarding or state? Family member at boarding was inconsolable when term holidays were over and had to go back. Heartbroken. Totally hysterical. I guess it depends very much in your sons personality?

@Chewingle

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

Title:

...affect...

@scentedgeranium - I can’t link to GCSE stats on here and Cambridge do not publish individual stats for GCSEs, but I can tell you that my DS’ 10x9 grades were given the same weighting as those on his course who got maybe 2x8s and the rest 7s and 6s, maybe even a few 5s. Yes they all had to get the minimum grades at A-level of A*AA - that’s a given and Cambridge will not make exceptions. But GCSEs are highly contextualised. If you go on “The Student Room” for example, offer holders for this year are listing their GCSEs on a spreadsheet and you can see that many are getting in with maybe half their GCSEs at 6s / 7s and this is due to contextualisation. I’m not saying it’s wrong or shouldn’t be happening, by the way. Seems entirely reasonable to me. I’m just saying, there is more chance of getting in from a state school with all 8s/9s at GCSE than it is with the same grades from an independent - so this is worth bearing in mind for the OP. Also, he won’t be expected to have done all the extra stuff, over and above the curriculum, that a candidate from a top independent would. For instance, DS is at a selective day school and they were told straight off that if they think their flawless grades will be sufficient, well think again. They will have to be prepared to do a whole raft of extra stuff to even have a shot because grades like that from a top school will not carry as much weight with admissions as similar or even lower grades from a state school candidate (with the exception of grammar schools).

Why would you pay more to get less?

Less time with your child, worse grades, travel cost, uniform cost, trips, etc etc. Totally ridiculous.

For those who wouldn't send their child to boarding school because you don't want to lose the time with them. I understand that, but don't you have to choose what you think is best for your child, rather than what's best for you?

[quote Another0THER]**@scentedgeranium* - I can’t link to GCSE stats on here and Cambridge do not publish individual stats for GCSEs, but I can tell you that my DS’ 10x9 grades were given the same weighting as those on his course who got maybe 2x8s and the rest 7s and 6s, maybe even a few 5s. Yes they all had to get the minimum grades at A-level of AAA - that’s a given and Cambridge will not make exceptions. But GCSEs are highly contextualised. If you go on “The Student Room” for example, offer holders for this year are listing their GCSEs on a spreadsheet and you can see that many are getting in with maybe half their GCSEs at 6s / 7s and this is due to contextualisation. I’m not saying it’s wrong or shouldn’t be happening, by the way. Seems entirely reasonable to me. I’m just saying, there is more chance of getting in from a state school with all 8s/9s at GCSE than it is with the same grades from an independent - so this is worth bearing in mind for the OP. Also, he won’t be expected to have done all the extra stuff, over and above the curriculum, that a candidate from a top independent would. For instance, DS is at a selective day school and they were told straight off that if they think their flawless grades will be sufficient, well think again. They will have to be prepared to do a whole raft of extra stuff to even have a shot because grades like that from a top school will not carry as much weight with admissions as similar or even lower grades from a state school candidate (with the exception of grammar schools).[/quote]
Give me a clue as to the link to the stats so I can dig. Otherwise it's still just anecdotes from the Student Room (where it's a well known fact that many contributors are in fact parents!) and one other person! All of which suggest my DS must be pretty remarkable to be getting into Cambridge (to do English at that) with 11 9s at GCSE and 3 A stars at A level from an at best average state school. And I know he's not that exceptional. bless him! And anecdotally at his college he was literals the only comp kid he knew - plenty of state grammar but that really isn't the same, even if they'e counted together in the stats.
Thank you for acknowledging tho that contextualising might be a good idea - for kids like mine they were feeling their way with zero roadmap. Not what happens when you pay!

'For those who wouldn't send their child to boarding school because you don't want to lose the time with them. I understand that, but don't you have to choose what you think is best for your child, rather than what's best for you?'

Well the op has said the local state school is outstanding and academically better so surely that's the best place to send him?

I wasn't commenting on that. I was asking about the posters who have said that they would never send their child to boarding school because they would miss their company too much.
You can debate which would be best in the OP's circumstances. There would be definite advantages to sending the DS to state school, but the extra-curriculars and boarding school experience might outweigh them.

If the OP DC is a skilled at sport and has the potential to be professional then why wouldnt you send them to sports focussed boarding school on a scholarship? State tends to have poor sporting facilities and main focus is on academic results, our local outstanding state has a poor sports provision and DC who do well are in private or attending external clubs.

@88889998654e

I wasn't commenting on that. I was asking about the posters who have said that they would never send their child to boarding school because they would miss their company too much. You can debate which would be best in the OP's circumstances. There would be definite advantages to sending the DS to state school, but the extra-curriculars and boarding school experience might outweigh them.

I think maybe the two things are linked. It is good for children to be around the people who care the most about them imo. Some children will get on great at boarding school and it's all very personal, but generally speaking, I think the people who love a child the most to be the ones who look after them. I think older teenagers are another matter and I do see how boarding school would generally better at that age.

My two sons have boarded. From your description of your son I would say he is highly likely to be a successful option for him. As a parent I would say boarding has strengthened my relationships with my sons, they have matured immensely. Boarding allows them to be treated as young men, which teenage boys thrive in.
Communication is key. I would recommend establishing a good routine of messaging/calls as soon as he starts to board. Housemaster will assist you with this if needed. My experience of their housemasters has been superb, they have co parented with me, through the good times and the bad. I am a single parent.

it would be a no for me.

My nephews went to private school. They didn’t board to start with but both really wanted to. They really loved it.

It sounds like a great opportunity however if the local school is excellent it makes the decision a lot harder.

Try boarding if he’s agreeable and if he hates it, maybe move him.

I went to a boarding school from 9 to 15 years of age... No close relationships with my mam and dad no contract with eather now... Cold unloving unfeeling parents!

My DS flexi-boarded & it worked well. From a sporting point of view the school organised everything for competitions: transport, meals, hotels and training was before school/lunch/straight after school so didn't affect studying when older. I went to watch matches on Wednesday afternoons & he came home for the night. When he could drive in 6th form he would come home if nothing on in the evening.
Boarders make close friendship groups and DS is now in London & sharing with friends from school.
I boarded (military family) and his experience was so different from mine. I barely saw or spoke to my parents, but I knew all DSs teachers & had a great relationship with his house parents. Flexi boarding is a great option.

My DH boarded (from 7, waaaaay to young). He is very affectionate towards his parents but at the same time they aren't close/intimate. He had to sort out his own problems, navigate the world without them, manage his own emotions from an early age etc so his parents became a bit of an irrelevance in some ways. I once asked why he was never emotionally honest with them, even over tiny things like whether he liked a certain TV program or jumper. He said that it wasn't worth it, when he was with them as a child it was only part of his life and he might as well keep the peace and be dutiful and make them happy before he went back to his 'other life' at school. He has made them happy, but they don't seem to have any sense of who he actually is and what he actually likes or feels. I would hate that with my child. If the local school is outstanding personally I would send your DS there. As well as the benefits of being able to parent him more closely through the tricky teenage years, what you get from a great local school and not from boarding is a sense of being part of the local community - I love the fact that my DS knows local families, the local church, local youth group, local sports clubs etc. Anyway, it sounds like you have two good options, which is nice.

My brother went to boarding school, he was always a bit of a lone wolf after that, he’s dead now, drug overdose.

Maybe boarding played a part, maybe it didn’t. I don’t know.

@cookingforfun

My two sons have boarded. From your description of your son I would say he is highly likely to be a successful option for him. As a parent I would say boarding has strengthened my relationships with my sons, they have matured immensely. Boarding allows them to be treated as young men, which teenage boys thrive in. Communication is key. I would recommend establishing a good routine of messaging/calls as soon as he starts to board. Housemaster will assist you with this if needed. My experience of their housemasters has been superb, they have co parented with me, through the good times and the bad. I am a single parent.

This is my experience, too.