Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

I dunno at 13. My partner boarded from age 7 and he is right royally fucked up because of it.

I have really appreciated the responses

What is clear - some have enjoyed and some have not. Unsurprising as ask a group of people “did you enjoy school?” And some will look back fondly others won’t.
So I didn’t ask for experiences.

It was the parental relationship issue that I was particularly interested and I have lapped up those responses with particular interest - thank you

By definition, I know loads of mothers with boys at boarding school (DC goes to one, although they are day). No loss of relationship reported!

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows I'm struggling to see how you can read nuanced posts such as that from @BooksMusicSnacks and slap them down as "coming and saying how awful it was".

If all the current boarders escape the psychological damage that seems common, if by no means universal, in later life then great. But assuming that it's no longer a risk because of "improved pastoral care" and mobile phones seems foolhardy, and not a risk I'd take with my own children.

Im in South Africa and boarding schools much like what you have described are the sought after route for education and only available to the few who can afford it. It is such an opportunity for a young man.

My DH boarded from 13 years old and he maintains it was the best thing his mother ever did for him. His brother on the other hand didnt board and stayed with his single parent mother for his schooling years... The difference in both these boys attitude to life, relationships, confidence is marked with my DH having a much more pragmatic view of life since his mother died. His brother on the other hand has been debilitated through his dependency on his now passed on mother.
Obviously these differences are not all as a result of boarding vs non-boarding but I feel it played a huge part.
Only you know your child though!

There's so many benefits of boarding, offering independence and various skills etc, but ultimately I just think it's not good for most kids. Either because at some level they'll feel like they've been sent away, or because these are the most formative years for bonding with parents as they become adults, and for having someone caring about them really keeping an eye on them.

At my boarding school the housemasters/housemistresses basically checked you weren't breaking major rules, but had no interest in all the drug-taking/drinking/sex/EDs that were rife throughout the school. For a well-regarded public school, it always felt vaguely Lord of the Flies under the surface, because there simply weren't enough adults to actually care for us kids in a meaningful, cherished way.

Great for networking etc in later life, but not good for the spirit for most children.

ADHD-wise, I think research has shown that private school kids do worse at transitioning to University because they've been hand-held more, whereas state school children are used to being self-motivated (sorry can't find link, but this is also consensus in my teaching/lecturing friends). So I suspect the more academic school, plus you keeping an eye on ADHD-possibilities, may be better?

Have sent you a PM, OP.

Would just add that not all boarding schools have dormitories - my DC haven't shared with even one other pupil.

I'd also disagree with the notion of 'sending a child away'. That might have been the case years ago, and with parents who weren't that interested in their children - but the problem there is really that lack of parental warmth and interest, rather than their children being at boarding school per se.

I don't think my DC felt "sent away". They were homesick for the first couple of days - but then there was so much to do that they didn't really have time to think about it. It also helps that pupils at the 'big name' boarding schools are all new aged 13, so there isn't the added problem of trying to break into established friendship groups - and the vast majority of them have never boarded before, so the schools are (now) very well set up to help with the transition.

I would also say that I have never met such brilliant and dedicated people as those who have looked after and taught my children at boarding school.

I boarded and loved it! I made an amazing group of friends for life and I get on very well with both my parents. Looking back, those years were some of the best of my life.

I would be even more inclined to go for it as the school is nearby and it sounds like he'll be able to get home for a few weekends.

However, it sounds like your son will thrive in either environment so let him decide and don't worry about it too much (hard, I know!).

OP, I realise I've just strayed into territory that isn't what you were asking about. Apologies!

I do think, though, that a child with a warm and loving and interested family background (which is evidently what your son has) will never feel 'sent away'. If your fundamental experience is being loved and cherished and cared for, boarding school is absolutely not going to change anything about that.

I boarded at 12. Weekly boarded then started to stay for weekends. Also single parent household with 2 younger sisters.
Rigorously investigate the pastoral care and culture. That was the thing that let my experience down. It was a day school with a bit of a boarding facility. Is your son's potential school primarily boarding? If so, that's better IMO.
Overall I would say go for it, particularly if he is capable but lazy (as I was!). By the time I got to uni I had considerably more life skills than some of my peers and didn't get homesick.
Honestly, it does cut the apron strings and make you a little less close to your mum, but that's not always a bad thing at 13. The love is still there but the reliance on figuratively wiping his bottom gets stopped overnight; it brings out an independent spirit that I have developed and might not have come naturally. Neither of my sisters boarded; One sister is naturally independent but the other isn't; the latter still lives at home at 30 and isn't financially independent. I'm not saying boarding would have fixed that, but boarding made my stretch my wings and see the big world out there in the way stay-home sister never had done.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows I'm struggling to see how you can read nuanced posts such as that from @BooksMusicSnacks and slap them down as "coming and saying how awful it

I certainly wasn't slapping anyone down I was speaking in general terms not at any one poster. And my point still stands - boarding looks very different today than it did even 10/15 years ago

I boarded between 14 and 16 and I absolutely loved it. I felt it improved my relationship with my parents so much. At home I felt like as you describe they were constantly nagging over small things and I felt so much pressure from them to be absolutely perfect.
I actually went to a boarding school abroad so my contact with parents was only during holidays and I spent my free weekends with my grandmother.
My parents insisted on me leaving boarding school to do my a levels, I got a D in my History GCSE and that was enough for them to decide I wasn't working hard without them there to nag me. It didn't matter to them that I also got 2 As, 3 Bs and the rest Cs. I ended up doing really badly on my A levels when home with them and our relationship nosedived.

If he wants to go let him.
Mine boarded from 11 and it has worked well for us.
It's hardly sending them away if they ask to go.
Mine has ADHD and I think it would have been better managed as a day student, just because school parenting is much different to your own.

I went to boarding school and hated and swore I wouldn't send my DC but my DS begged to go. He is very dyslexic and it was the best thing for him. He grew in confidence and became independent, got fabulous grades in his GCSEs and A levels and has made friends for life. My DD then decided to go and it wasn't quite such a smooth ride for her but that would have been the same ant school she went to. Both are very family orientated and no it didn't make our relationships more distant. I would say if you feel comfortable with the school and it's what he wants go for it. It's not as if he can't contact you whenever he wants to. Good luck

My daughter went at 13. Absolutely loved it and has gone on to an amazing degree course that gives her a guaranteed job. She is so confident, independent and absolutely lovely. We live very close to the school; I wouldn’t have liked it if she had been further away.

This is such a hard decision. I certainly wouldn’t consider it any younger but he does sound like he would manage really well and thrive there. Is he really certain he has no preference? Would the connections there be helpful for him? Are the other kids likely to be a lot more affluent or is there a mix - would he compare himself to them if they’re all living a very different lifestyle to him and would being somewhere less (over)privileged make him more likely to focus on his school work (not exclusively I am thinking of a friend from a very lower middle class background who went on scholarship and didn’t do that well as she was almost caught up in the experience which was so different to what she had ever had experienced. I think it’s harder if you can’t actually visit the schools! Have you previously visited? I’d always ask about pastoral care as even if your child doesn’t use it, it says a lot about the school.

I would also add that my own parents could probably comment on this post about all the positives of boarding school and for all intents and purposes assume I was happy there. (I wasn't unhappy. I just cracked on with it.)

They don't know how I feel about it because I won't talk to them about it. I hold them and many others at arms length.

How will his sisters feel, surely it would cause some resentment if they can't be offered private education too.

Also, I'd worry about the social side. It's all well and good if fees are covered (all fees? Surely you'll have to contribute) but he will feel different to other pupils and that might affect him negatively.

I'm surprised they offer boarding as part of a scholarship if it's only an hour away. Why not just catch the school bus like many private pupils do? But as I said earlier if the state school is outstanding, send him there!

DS (our only child) started full boarding at 13 with a scholarship - he thrived and has made some very firm friends for life. His teenage years were happy and he probably had more freedom than if he'd been stuck at home with us all week. We chose the school carefully to ensure it was a good match and it was only 45 mins drive away. While it was full boarding his housemaster was happy for DH to call in on his way home from work occasionally to take him out for tea and we attended as many school events as possible. The holidays are long so we had lots of family time together. He's now mid 20s, has a good career, a starter home with his GF and we are still close.

I went. It meant that the weekends I had at home were more intense family time where we all hung out together, whereas my day school friends tended to spend their weekends with their friends.

I'm incredibly close with my parents, I think they're some of the best people in the world, and I am beyond grateful that they chose to spend their money on giving me the most incredible education.

The rule in my household was that if you really hated boarding after one term you could come home. We spoke on the phone twice a week for ages, and I was home most weekends. It allowed me to have my own space, bond with my friends (still like sisters to me now) and work out who I was without being under supervision. It also meant that someone else was paid to shout at me for not doing my homework / cleaning my room etc, so my parents could focus on the big stuff.

I don't work for a boarding school or anything, but if it's the right fit for your child I think it's one of the best things you can do for your children.

Both our boys Weekly boarded at a State Boarding School from 11 and loved it. They were both sporty and it was a school that was highly regarded for its Rugby, so they had a whale of a time. Both have very good friends in adulthood that they made at school. They are also at ease in any company. In fact, apart from the Rugby, it was the attitude and presentation of other pupils/students we met on the open days that swung us to the school.

Our daughter full-boarded at a private school from 16 (giving up a Sports Scholarship at her day school) and also loved it. She made some lovely friends who all seem very close, still, 5 years later.

All three of them were very happy at school and wouldn't have wanted anything different. If anyone had any form of 'Separation Anxiety' it was my wife....certainly not the children.

Id send him. Might be the making of him and it would probably be easier to get him into a more local school if for some reason he didnt like the boarding school, to getting an other opportunity like that if he turned it down

@Another0THER

I think you’ll find things have changed drastically. No, Oxbridge do not make contextualised offers in the sense of lower grades (eg AAB as opposed to A*AA as other unis do, eg. Durham). What I’m saying is they don’t expect all the “extras” on top of the top grades, as they do from those in the top independents. Also, state school applicants are now getting in with 6s and 7s at GCSE because they look at the context where these grades were attained. Look at the stats and you’ll see for yourself. You would not get in with the same grades from an independent because you would be considered to have underperformed relative to your cohort, whereas in other schools 6s and 7s would be evidence that you had over-performed relative to your cohort. There is also adjustment now - have a look.

Help me out. Show me these figures re Oxbridge. My experience is six years ago when DS was going through the process. Zero help from school. By contrast the small private in the neighbouring town had sessions every weds afternoon for the entrance tests then interview practice. So not a level playing field at all. I got hearty sick at the time of my friends who had paid for their children's education telling me that it would be easier for my son. i think it was alive fed by the privates to cover their backs in case their perceived bright sparks didn't get in. The playing field is sloped in the extreme. But yes you are obviously au fait with some data so please share it. Not anecdotes; data. And thank God Durham does make those offers. DD went there (out of area so no contextual offer and besides like her brother she leapt the A*AA offer and got a full set of A stars at GCSE). If Durham didn't it would be the most dreadfully monocultured place on earth!

I was sent at 11, my brothers at 7plus. We all became independent but it did damage my relationship with my parents and I felt I had been sent away. As an adult I realised that there were other reasons to do with my mothers poor mental health . However it did mean that when my parents might have liked me to be more involved in their care I did not feel it was possible as our relationship was pretty distant by then. I hated the experience but my brothers loved it and benefitted hugely from it.

What a wonderful problem to have!

Any younger and I’d say no, but at thirteen I’d say he’s definitely old enough to go if that’s something he’s happy with. Be led by him here and let him make the decision himself. And if he wants to go, support him completely. Thirteen is an age where most teens have an increasing degree of independence, I was never home at that age.