Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

Just a follow on from my post .. . . . I wasn't very clear in my main point, which was that the view of parents whose children have boarded may not be a good appraisal of how it's affected their relationship. This was the case for my PiL, who would absolutely be convinced that if anything boarding made their relationship with my DH stronger because there was such harmony when he was home .. . . . whereas my DH would admit that actually there was harmony because after boarding for a little while he wasn't used to properly relating to his parents and he didn't bother to invest the energy into being emotionally honest, rather he just did the equivalent of nodding and smiling to pacify them because he was about to return to school so why make home life difficult with a disagreement.

It’s such a personal choice. I think a lot depends on the frequency that he would come home or you would see him. Some schools are very much weekly boarding and others (although more rare these days) don’t really see boarders leave much in term time.

I’ve known families love it...often those that perhaps weren’t so sentimental about the family relationship but already the children were fairly independent and that was very much the family dynamic. But I’ve also known one family who sent their son at 13, because he had a place at probably one of the top 2 boarding schools for boys. They did lots of weekend visits and collecting him for a brief time at home from Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening, but they missed each other a lot and he left the boarding school and went to the local independent day school for 6th Form after doing the 3 years to GCSE at the boarding school. They felt they’d really given it a good go, but it just wasn’t for them. And it’s not for everyone. But for many it is an amazing opportunity....and when you’re from a background where this wouldn’t be affordable to something to ever consider, a full scholarship to this opportunity is amazing....I can see why you’d feel you should give it a go.

Does he have other scholarship offers? What about to brilliant independent day schools too....another possibility, or perhaps not depending on where you live.

@scentedgeranium - there is a spreadsheet the students have compiled where they enter their GCSEs and predicted grades. It’s on Student Room. There’s one for this year and one for last. You can see it’s not his case that they all have 9s. Many have 6s and 7s, but these grades are weighted the same as 9s from a (very selective) independent.

They look at the average grade in a school - so if that is a 5, then a 6 or 7 in that school means you have done as well as a student who gets all 9s in a school where the average grade is an 8. Both Oxbridge and Cambridge have targets to meet re-widening participation and contextualisation is one means to this end. Also see adjustment.

Why would you want him to board at a private school when you have a better state school close to home?
Social advantage? Family life would be far more important to me.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

I'm a mum whose daughter had the choice between excellent local schools or an even more excellent boarding school. (In our US state they are actually ranked first and second.)

She was also very disorganised (probably ADHD but refuses to see a psychologist for a diagnosis) and I very much worried that she would not cope at boarding school.

She chose to apply, did a tour, said she had found her people, and was offered a place at 13, starting at 14. She went for four years.

In our situation (everyone is different) it helped her immensely, and our relationship improved enormously.

As it turned out, it was the perfect school for her. Because she was so much happier there, she was much happier in the rest of her life. Her relationship with everyone in the family got much better.

At graduation she wrote and delivered the valedictorian speech, in which she talked about how this particular school was where she found the right place to become herself - where she was entirely accepted.

She has since gone to university (she's in her second year) and we get on very well - she facetimes us a lot, texts with us all, and she's flying home for February break.

We did worry about letting her go much as you are worrying.

DH went to boarding school, and although he ended up loving it, he hated the first few years.

I worried that she wouldn't cope with getting up in time, being tidy, organising her schoolwork etc. As it turned out, being at boarding school helped her on all those fronts - because she wanted to be there, she learnt that she had to be organised, so she chose to learn how to do so.

It prepared her very well for university.

But that's just our experience. Your family is different, your son's school options are different, he has different needs.

No one can really tell you how it will work out.

I can tell you that my husband, his siblings, his parents, his cousins... pretty much everyone in his family went to boarding school, and they all continued to have good relationships with their families. But that doesn't mean everyone will.

Good luck with the decision. It is really difficult! I really struggled with it.

I’m interested to know more about the alternative.

So called outstanding schools can be amazing or really not at all but have jumped through the hoops. The experience of even a fab Comp will be very different to the boarding experience.....there’s no getting away from that....it’s about the academics but also far far more too, which people without boarding or independent school experience often struggle to understand.

The academics are important. A well-known boarding school which is for the very rich but not that bright child, certainly has its place. They might well offer a full scholarship to the extremely bright child. Yes, the child will get the full boarding experience which can be amazing but if academically the school isn’t fab but dealing with fairly average ability and not adding much academic value, can be very disappointing for a really academic child.

Schools don’t often offer full scholarships so I suspect your child is extremely clever. I’d say it was important for him to go to a school with other extremely clever kids. A Comp might have some and depending on how much they set their classes, he could learn with other very clever children...or he might not get to do that.

If this boarding school isn’t really academic, why did you apply there...is it about them wanting him for his sport? Are other schools a available too....the real whizz kids who also are top level sport often get a number of bursary/scholarship offers.

So it’s not just about the boarding issue but also if it’s the right school for him I guess.

On balance I'd stay local and go state. My DH went to boarding school at 8 and like someone said, the damage takes decades to come out. He had no choice which was an awful thing for his parents to do, and so quite a different set of circumstances than yours, but knowing what I do about boarding, I wouldn't send our own sons.

Your boy is old enough to make a decision but he really ought to visit (hard at the moment, I know). Also look at the destination of leavers and the longer term prospects of each school

I wouldn't do it. And why would you, when by your own admission there's an excellent school nearby?

[quote Another0THER]@scentedgeranium - there is a spreadsheet the students have compiled where they enter their GCSEs and predicted grades. It’s on Student Room. There’s one for this year and one for last. You can see it’s not his case that they all have 9s. Many have 6s and 7s, but these grades are weighted the same as 9s from a (very selective) independent.

They look at the average grade in a school - so if that is a 5, then a 6 or 7 in that school means you have done as well as a student who gets all 9s in a school where the average grade is an 8. Both Oxbridge and Cambridge have targets to meet re-widening participation and contextualisation is one means to this end. Also see adjustment.[/quote]
Ah I've never been in the Student Room.
I don't even think my DC did! Tho the more I hear about it the more I think it's in fact full of parents! Anyway that's v intersting and clearly my two are more exceptional than I give them credit for. They both felt GCSEs were a doddle. But both (cam and Durham respectively) say they know former independent pupils whose grades are way below their own. But I'm falling into that anecdotal rather than data driven trap there!
I do think top i is should differentiate the state sector in their figures. It's no good saying x% of students are strategic for example if most are grammar or from the famously Oxbridgy Hills Rd Sixth form in Cambridge. What we really want is to see how many come from non selective comps from across the country. Very few in my DC's anecdotal experience.
And that's a shame. So many kids and families have no choice but to take what's in front of them.

She thrived. It helped the relationship as there was no need to nag and no stropping; the school dealt with all that. The time we had together was nicer because no need to do anything but enjoy nice times together.

God forbid that family life should in any way resemble real life!

Mine are both sixth form boarders and love it and wish they could have gone earlier. They love the fact that they don't have a commute so have extra time for activities and the wide range of sports/music/societies on offer. The only caution I would have is that with the possibility of COVID flaring up in the autumn the experience might not be quite as expected and there may well be quite a lot of restrictions on mixing between years/houses which might have a bearing not just on socialising but also on sport and other extra curricular activities.

My oldest went to an independent school (kind of very historic minor public school). She was a day pupil as I lived so close but by 6th form I was re locating for work which she had been initially very supportive of and was coming with me then she had a wobble and wanted to stay so she boarded. 16 and 13 aren't the same but it was the making of her and we got on much better as a result. I think if the circumstances dictated and she had boarded as a weekly from
13 she would have loved it just as much. He sounds like a good candidate for boarding and I think you can both play it by ear as to how often he comes home as he settles in

I have now read every single post.
Thank you

What’s been great is that despite it being an emotive issue for some - we have got to page 10 and it’s been a very civilised, thoughtful and occasionally spirited debate! And genuinely useful to me.

So my boy - we are very close. I am a single parent and we have a very special relationship.
He is an absolute joy, hers on with everyone and has, so far, failed through life (he is in a scholarship at his prep at the moment).

His best friend is going to boarding school and lives maybe a fifteen minute walk from us. Other boys from his class are also going and all live within a 30 minute drive.

Re the state school, so very close friends going but good friends. The state school is more academic but the private is too and, tbh, it’s much of a muchness.
The sporting facilities at the private are world class, jaw dropping in fact. And he is a very keen sportsman. I doubt professional career level but certainly very strong.

But all that aside - he is extremely sociable. Even now, he doesn’t want to ever go to his room and be alone, he is always with me in the lounge (which I will desperately miss!) or hassling his sisters to do something with him or asking to meet a friend locally. In the evenings, he wants to watch TV with someone etc . An introvert, he is not!

Anyway tonight I mentioned that we really needed to make a decision and he looked at me quizzically “I thought I was boarding and that I will be in the same house as P (his best friend) and that he would pack me a massive tuck box every term!!”

So I think decision made. It’s flexi boarding so could even come back on a Thursday if he ever fancied. But I know my boy and I suspect that I’ll be driving to him every other weekend to take him out for lunch!

Thank you all

If he doesn’t like it, then no pressure to stay. Worth a shot I think

Oh and @Janegrey333
Read the second post of the thread!

'Mine are both sixth form boarders and love it and wish they could have gone earlier. They love the fact that they don't have a commute so have extra time for activities and the wide range of sports/music/societies on offer'

But surely that is what uni/leaving home is for. Seems rather premature to do it when they're under 18. Still, I suppose it's no different to non resident parents who see them for holidays and the odd weekend, they can have a good relationship too.

I'm sure you and your boy will reach the right decision together, OP. Good luck!

I boarded from 11 at a school about 45 mins from my parents’ house (on a scholarship). I loved it. Made friendships that have lasted into adulthood, despite nearly all of us moving to different cities or even countries as adults. I don’t have siblings but I don’t think it impacted my relationship with my parents. I enjoyed treat lunches or the occasional dinner out with them and if I was having a hard week I knew I could call my Mum and have her pick me up on a Friday.

It's an opportunity so I'd say go for it. It's only an hour away so you can see him when you need / want to.

My DS is at a boarding school so maybe I'm biased although he hasn't boarded yet as he's only little.

I would absolutely do it! Your son has done very well to be accepted. Boarding school these days is fantastic. You mix with international students, make friends from all over the world. Usually you live in close contact with your teachers and you get amazing access to facilities and opportunities you simply wouldn’t otherwise have.
Uniform - the sports kit at boarding school can be expensive, but you will find the school / your house parent willing to help if you struggle. They won’t let your child go without. My son is year 11 and since yr 7 we have not bought any uniform. Our school has so many boarders coming and going who buy uniform and don’t take it away with them.
Do check with the school for additional costs and how they help you afford school trips/ holidays so your child doesn’t miss out.
Additional costs might be book replacements, kit for activities, boarding house events. Also you pay for GCSEs and A levels.
Spending money - check with the houseparents how often they are allowed to buy take-out food - or at our school a cafe sells sausage sandwiches at break, and drinks and pizza/ burgers some evenings - plus there are vending machines. It’s well subsidised BUT you don’t want your kid to miss out and realistically at our school need £10 for Saturday take out and £10 per week for the cafe/ vending - then if they stay at weekend and we aren’t locked down, they may leave school and go to the nearest town so will need money for transport , cinema, food.
We give our son £25 a week plus top-ups but ofcourse if he was home we might buy McDonalds etc, his food, days out etc. This may just be a thing with our school, but I would say when we haven’t had the money other kids have shared their pizza with him, he doesn’t really miss out.
Weekly boarding - if there are a lot of weekly boarders it may be ok and it depends on the school BUT for us weekly boarding didn’t work. Full boarding is much better. In many schools around us Saturday school is a thing you can’t opt out of. There may be lessons, there is likely to be sport and there is likely to be prep. Many schools don’t release the kids til after 4 pm on Friday and ours wants them back by 6 pm Sunday.
Long day - 8 to 4:30. Tea at 6. Then 2 hours prep. The teachers are often available after hours for catch ups and extra help.
Also worth noting that the pastoral care in many boarding schools is absolutely excellent.
Your relationship won’t suffer - if he is going to be a problem teen - it might improve your relationship. He will appreciate the time he is at home. My children never went away in the holidays. They knew home time was important.
If you have no financial outlay -You can always try it and see how he settles.

My daughter started in P7 Scotland, she loves it, counts the days when on holiday to go back 😳. She could easily come home every weekend... She chooses not too so will only do it for birthdays etc.

As for relationships, I think it has made us stronger as a family. We value each other more when we are all together. She gets on better with her little sister when home instead of the constant bickering.

It's not for everyone, but it works for us.

I went to a common and garden private school and then state high school but my friend achieved a scholarship to a boarding school at 11. She went away and came back at weekends. I used to visit with her mum and dad. It was out of this world and I was jealous. To say I didn't fit in was an understatement but the teachers and young people were so well rounded. They worked and played hard lots of sport and and extracurricular activities.
She became so independent and able to sort things out as well as having an absolute blast. Her parents were very ordinary and lived in a small semi detached house in Manchester. Some of her friends homes were huuuuuuuge and she went skiing with one family to the Alps very year.
She brought a friend home from school who was the daughter of a footballer she wss nice to.
I wanted to hate her boarding schol and all the people in it as I was jealous but they were just kind and generous. She is a cardiac surgeon now and deserves it too
Boarding really formed her adult life well. Still close to mum and dad so no damage done. Id do it OP

I wondered that too. Surely an environment of all males is more toxic

Deep down it sounds to me like your DS doesn’t really want to; he is being ambivalent because he’s guessed you might want him to go.

Honestly, if you’ve got an Outstanding state school nearby which is better academically I think you’d be mad to send him away to board. 13 really isn’t that old. It doesn’t sound the right path to me.

Just to clarify I only cried for the first year.

This is why I wouldn't do it.