Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

I know it's different circumstances but I've only had my two boys half of the time since they were 3 and 6. Before that I was the primary carer.
They are now 10 and 13. I'm not a "real" mum to them and they're being pulled away even further, especially the 13 yo. It still hurts every day I don't see them. They have both have significant attachment issues.
So personally I couldn't do it, but each to their own. And obviously your lad is 13 now so older.

I boarded from age 11, my sister attended a day school. I’ve always had an amazing relationship with my parents, even during my stroppy teenage years. I think not seeing them as often made me really appreciate them. I’m also very close to my sister and we argued less because I wasn’t at home all the time.

The big thing for me is that I wanted to go to boarding school and felt really positive about it, not like I was being sent away, which I know is how some of my classmates who didn’t want to board felt.

Both my nieces started boarding at 13. Both were flexible boarding not too far from home, different schools. They would often, although not always, come home on a Wednesday evening and spent most weekends at home.

They still have really close relationships with family and each other. As previous posts of said boarding today is very different than it was even 20 years ago.

They do tend to spend part of many holidays with friends and this can sometimes be the type of lifestyle that they wouldn’t otherwise experience but not to the detriment of them fitting in with their own family.

If your DS is keen then I would definitely encourage him.

We were in a similar situation. DC was at a very nice state school and was very happy there and doing well academically, and had great friends. They were offered a place at boarding school on a very high scholarship and bursary at age 13.
The boarding school could provide amazing opportunities in the extra-curricular thing DC was extremely good at. The state school and other local provision was pathetic in comparison.
So for my DC I think it was worth it. They made fantastic progress at the extra-curricular thing and it continues to be their passion in life and to provide them with an easy social life. They also did fine academically and got into a top university.
They have great memories of their time at boarding school, and are very happy they went. Though the first term or 2 were a struggle - getting used to being more organised, and not knowing anyone.
Our intention was to see quite a lot of DC while they were boarding. But due to unexpected circumstances we had to move house, to somewhere a long way from the school. So we had a few years of seeing very little of DC really, not being able to go to parents' evenings and events, etc. So it was tough for us as a family. It did make us less close and was hard on the sibling. On the positive side, the school dealt with stuff like DC being disorganised and we avoided some of the teenage strops.
Something to think of is that your son will make friends, and may well want to spend time with them in the holidays, so you're not likely to have him at home for the full holidays.
It's possible that his sisters will be jealous. Our other DC is very aware that their DC is the one who has the big talent, got the scholarship and had the fun of boarding and doing lots of special stuff. They do get on well though. We made the decision that it's not fair to hold one child back for the sake of the other.
As you are very close to the school, and can have him home for weekends and go to all school events, I would go for it in your place, if you're happy with the atmosphere and general ethos as well as the academics and extra-curriculars. It sounds as though you will have all the benefits and few of the negatives. 13 is a good age to start boarding, in my view. As there are 2 siblings, his going to boarding school will affect them less than if there was only 1 sibling.

I’ve just remembered - we asked DS if he wanted to do sixth form at a local college, he would have much shorter days and obviously live at home. I thought he would jump on this but to my surprise he got teary and said if we could afford it could he stay at his boarding school because he loved it.

I'd go with the boarding school. If anything it will probably make your relationship stronger and help take some of the rough edges off adolescence. Also, it'll be much easier to change your mind if you take up that option now, rather than trying to go the other way.

@88889998654e How old were your DC when you moved and how often did you see them? I think you are very brave, I couldn't do it.

I went to boarding school. As did my sisters. We all thrived and have incredibly close relationships with both parents. Very close. I also have a group of friends from school I am incredibly close to. Like extra sisters.

What a fabulous opportunity. I'd grab it with both hands.

@Gingerandlime Prep until 10pm? Is this after a full day at school?! Jeez.

One of your reasons for sending him is because you might not have enough space in your home 🥴

I know two people who went to boarding school and they are both neurotic, issues with forming friendships and where they see themselves in their family dynamics. Both had siblings that stayed in the family home, so for me no.

My husband is the eldest for 4 boys, all of whom (except one who left at 16) boarded from 11 -18. I think it's fair to say, they all had a different experience.

My DH loved it and cannot speak highly enough of it. It wasn't the best school academically from what I've seen results wise, in fact my state school got better academic results with a year group cohort that was only slightly smaller than his whole school!!! However, he loved sport, and travelled the world playing cricket and rugby, and got to spend time with friends day in day out, whereas if he was at home he'd have been stuck on a farm miles from friends most of the time. He did ok, academically and got into uni to study his subject of choice. He's now partner in a professional firm, and does well for himself.

I think the comment on polish, and putting on a front, and being able to talk to anyone, is very true. He's confident and I think this again is something that is very noticeable in private school pupils.

Of his younger brothers, one hated every minute, left at 16, and has barely any contact with school friends, one was head boy, and again really enjoyed it, the youngest got in with a bad crowd, came close to being expelled and has never really found his way since.

My DHs parents are traditional parents, but lacking in emotion or closeness. That said, I don't know whether boarding school made that any worse, of it it would have been the same regardless...

So, I think ultimately it depends very much on the child. Your son sounds like he'd get a lot out of boarding, and if he's sporty, I'm sure there would be some good opportunities available to him.

@Floridaflipflops I agree. My son is 13 and I became a single parent when he was 6 and his brother was 3. We live in a small privately rented three-bed with one bathroom - my fiancé, our 8 month-old baby, (their half sister), my 10 yo and my 13 yo. We both work ft but don't earn enough to get on the property ladder.
My eldest - August born - is in the top 5% of his year group and excelling. He is particularly gifted at maths and music.
Personally speaking I wouldn't consider boarding even if it was offered foc.
He'll just have to wee in the garden

It's not clear from your post regarding fees. A scholarship is great however these days is normally only a small about e.g. 10% of fees but can be more. A bursary on the otherhand is the main help towards fees. I assume you can either afford all the fees or have completed all the paperwork and they are awarding a bursary?

You need to factor in fee increases, which are way above inflation year on year as well as things like paying for exams, constant uniform/sport uniform costs etc.

Please also be mindful that once you turn down the outstanding state school it is unlikely you will be able to get a place. Schools like this are generally oversubscribed.

Must admit, like others, I'm not sure why you would choose to pay to send your child to a less academic school

I would do it, sounds like a great opportunity for him.

@fastwigglylines

I don't know anything about boarding but your comment about your son being disorganised and always losing things stood out to me. He sounds very like me at that age.

At 13, I was academically very able, top of the class in lots of subjects at school (private school). I was expected to go far.

We moved and the school I went to was much less strict and I coasted. My school reports aged 15 talk of a child who is very able but let down by her lack of organisation. I got through my GCSEs on the hard work I put in up to 13 but came unstuck at A-Level and have never had the successful career that was imagined for me by everyone at 13.

I was terrible at organisation and constantly losing things. I still am. I haven't actually bothered to carry keys for a couple of years as I got fed up with losing them. (DP works from home so not usually an issue).

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid-40s, and suddenly my life makes a lot more sense!

ADHD is badly named as a lot of people with it aren't hyperactive (ADHD inattentive type) and can give a lot of attention - hyper focus - to the things we're interested in. We find it very difficult to maintain focus in things that don't interest us. Structure, deadlines and accountability to others helps. Left to our own devices to produce large pieces of work with vague or no deadlines, we're struggling. Timekeeping is a huge issue for a lot if people with ADHD. We are constantly late because we don't have the same grip on time most people do. We find it very hard to judge how long tasks will take.

The flip side of ADHD is we're typically unconventional thinkers, (think-outside-the-box is us - we're not really aware there is a box in the first place!) and often creative and intelligent. We're quick witted and calm in a crisis (I suspect, because every day is a crisis due to our disorganisation, so it's normal to us).

I'm mentioning this not to encourage you to rush out and seek diagnosis, but to just be aware so if your son does get unstuck a bit when he's older when more independent learning is required of him in subjects that don't motivate him, you might consider ADHD. I could really have time with some support, but when I came unstuck no one understood why. The school and my "disorganisation" were blamed. My parents hoped to train my disorganisation out of me with standard carrot and stick stuff. Didn't work. I wish someone who'd know about ADHD had recognised it in me, my life could have been very different with the right support in those years, I feel.

The change in school certainly made a difference, as for me at least, a school that was keen on structure, gave me lots of deadlines and challenges and expected a lot of me was better for me, I flourished there. In a more relaxed environment, I floundered. But it wasn't just the school, it's very clear now, it was a combination of the school and how my brain works, due to ADHD.

If he's disorganised - for whatever reason - please don't underestimate the difference this can make as he gets older, and I would suggest try to make sure whichever school he goes to can support him with this.

@fastwigglylines Thank you for this thoughtful insight

Can I ask - if you had a child with adhd, would you send boarding in hope that structure provided by the school and fact that endless reminding etc will fall to the housemaster (and probably more of an incentive to be organised if peeing him off rather than mum!) and so reduce trigger points between my and child, endless nagging etc

OR would it be better that he’s with me as I can be much more involved with assisting and helping him avoid difficulties with teachers etc

OP I teach in a boarding school and whilst many have an initial phase of homesickness, I'd say 95% of pupils take away from school that they had a wonderful time growing up with their best friends, having a second family in the school and many, many stories of mischief, late nights and fun. I'd also say those who board cope remarkably well when they go off to Uni as they're so used to being away from home and looking after themselves a little.

Please do not believe the MN myth that boarding school children are traumatised for 7 years and it's akin to leaving your child to live in a puddle. It always comes from posters who have no clue, connection or experience with boarding school.

What a wonderful opportunity for your son, seize it!

@oldat40 I'm an ex-boarder and 100% would keep him home too. Able children don't need their parents any less, and he'll probably have WAY more privacy at home, even sharing a bedroom with a sibling, than he ever would in dormitories at school.

Former boarder here with a few words of caution.

Your child might attend the boarding school and he may tell you all is fine and he is fine. And that may well be the case - or not.

He may indeed feel okay about it until later in his life, when he has children of his own and then it hits him like a ton of bricks. How could my parents send me away? Why did they keep my sibling at home? Rationally we know the answers but emotionally it isn't always that easy.

That is what happened to me. I'm not saying it will happen to every single boarder - children are resilient and many will fit into BS life - whether it is in their best interests or not is another thing. Can you say hand or heart it won't affect your relationship?

A lot of you may know people who boarded that are successful, seem happy and "fine". Deep down, they might not feel that way, but are very good at putting a front on. Google boarding school syndrome.

I do appreciate this is a hard decision for you OP and that with mobile phones and flexi-boarding it isn't the same as when I boarded, but I'd still offer the same words of caution. You can ask your son's opinion but beware he might just give you the answer he thinks you want to hear.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows it doesn’t always come from those with no experience. My dm boarded and didn’t send us. A friend boarded and thinks it caused her huge emotional difficulties.

I also know people who loved boarding, for balance.

@IdesMarchof well that is experience isn't it, which is what I meant.

Too many comments come from people who never boarded or knew people who did but have decided it's child abuse.

An amazing opportunity and I think flexi boarding is the ideal setup. Go for it.

I also don't think it's helpful for people who boarded 20-30 years ago to come on and say how awful it was. Pastoral care is far better these days, communications between parents and pupils is more open (no more "you can have a phone call once in a flood, mobiles are allowed out of school hours) and safeguarding has improved vastly.

Wow just rtft and cannot believe the responses. Tad over dramatic. I did also board in 6th form so not entirely comparable. It was hard at times, but so worth it, I'd never have got the grades I did, and it set me up for a much easier time transitioning to university.

In relation to potential ADHD, I would say the wheels can come off for some neurodiverse dc in their teens, not always, but it can be a risk. If you are there you can keep a very close eye on emotional well being.

A lot of boarding schools are not well set up to support dc with ADHD

I would consider seeing an Ed psych to bottom this out before making final school decisions.

Also an un dx probable adult adhd sufferer who has realised I likely have adhd after having dc with ADHD

Oldat40 re prep till 10 pm - yes for the 17 year old, no for the 13 year old, they have lights off at 9.30 pm. They work very hard and long days at boarding school interspersed with mandatory rest period in house and games/sports most days. Also lessons till lunchtime on Saturday and then matches. After matches they come home for 24 hours. The 50 mins journey home is non stop chat from them, funny stories, outrage at some undeserved demerit, glory on the hockey pitch etc. My school day (back in the 70s) finished at 3.30 pm and we had no school on Saturday, very different.