Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

I couldn't do it. Not in a million years. Was a day pupil at a boarding school. Have friends that were boarders.They hated it and would have swapped places with me any day.

I've already posted on this thread with a positive story, but please remember boarding schools aren't like what they were 30yrs ago!!

It's not a prison, if he doesn't like it he can leave!!

OP - like yours same age etc - won a scholarship - distance about the same and day pupil would have been a push but doable.

He told me he wanted to flexi board - lot of early sports training and late sessions - he worked out that he would just sleep at home and not have fun.

He comes home every weekend, all homework done and we relax, no arguments about schoolwork, exercise etc. He loves it, is missing it in lockdown and can not wait to go back. We talk morning and evening and have the odd wobble when he wants to come home but overall in a year - I haev seen him grow and mature in ways he would not have done at home.

I miss him probably more than he misses me but he is so happy, doing so much better and flourishing - absolutely the right thing for him.

This wasn't a decision lightly taken. Like so many on here we had heard some truly awful things about boarding and about the potential impact on the child. But in our search for the right supportive schools for our children the right schools happen to be boarding schools. It truly was the best decision we made. Our children are happy. Their schools are amazing. The children at both schools well adjusted. My younger son is perfectly fine. He loves his school and can't wait to get back to it. We know without a doubt that our sons are in the right schools for them.

Bloodyhairy You are being very dramatic. My son is happy. That is all that matters to me. You know what is best for your child, I know what is best for mine.

Oh definitely go for it !!! It sounds an amazing opportunity and he sounds perfect for it. As I think a PP has said if it doesn't work out he'll be able to come back home and get a local school place but an opportunity like this once missed is likely to be missed forever. Most boys I know have been at boarding school - girls not really unless parents are abroad - I can't really think of any instance it has had a noticeable negative impact on family relationships and tbh - speaking as parent now - as they progress through the teenage years I think distance will preserve rather than diminish the relationship !!! And he will be very close which makes a massive difference. You will be able to keep in close touch with him being able to come home easily. I know lots of keen rugby boys who boarded about an hour away from home - happy boys who've grown up to be lovely men. One of my cousins boarded about 3 hours from home, another was about 6 hours away. Neither were sporty or happy but it was just the "done thing", both happy adults now, both have excellent - really, really good relationships - with their parents but haven't and won't be sending their children to boarding school. It's a great opportunity - in your situation I would definitely go for it - worst case scenario you're giving it a try - you're not signing him away until he's 18 !!! I would pay heed to a PP though about uniform and all the "extra" costs of private schooling. xx

What @Shwubberwy said.
Local school all the way.

My husband was very happy at boarding school. He loved it and was disappointed when I said no to our children going to boarding school
Living with my husband for many years I see the damage it has caused.
I don’t think you can see the results of boarding when these people are younger but as he has aged certain things he does I can attribute to being in boarding school from a young age. I also see how no parental control has affected him. He could get away/mask things when he was younger but he is facing retirement with a bleak future and his mental health is deteriorating and he speaks regularly now about the abuse he suffered.
If this was a child who loved boarding. God help those that didn’t want to be there and knew no amount of crying and pleading would get anyone to save them.

Whilst boarding schools have moved on the principal points of boarding are still there

I went to boarding school and it would send mine no problem they have 247 access to discipline teachers routine and friends it’s a great opportunity

It's a wonderful opportunity OP, which will set him up for life. I wouldn't hesitate in your shoes. Well done him!

I boarded for a time and can certainly say there was no 24 hour discipline. We would sneak out and go clubbing in the nearby town.
The teachers went home after they finished school and the routine was pretty rigid up to a certain time and then when you were in the dorm room it was a free for all if you kept the noise down.
To be honest no one cared what you did
I used to live near a boarding school and would walk my dog over the fields and into the woodland and judging by the drug taking that went on I still don’t think anyone cares

Weekly boarding? Sounds fabulous. If he's that type of boy he might very well thrive. Then come home to you every weekend. Sounds perfect.

My eldest brother weekly board. In the nearest biggest town. My dad was in the navy and they paid a large % of school fees.

My middle brother went termly. And hated it.

I was desperate to board. Eventually it was arranged. Within a week I had a terrible diabetic hypo. I bit the matrons finger. Nearly off. Yes really. She was off for nearly the rest of the next term. When I did return, in a week or so, back as a day girl. I was famous. Because the matron was despised. But I wasn't happy with the fame. I was distraught at having to go back to being a day girl. Distraught at missing out on the boarding which is what I'd actually wanted all along.

I went to boarding school (early 70's), and hated it. My siblings went and loved it. My son went and loved it, brought friends home to our tiny house, they loved coming, and the invitations reciprocated and he loved going. My girls remained at home at state schools, they became really close to their brother.

So, I'd say opt for the boarding, it doesn't have to be forever, if it doesn't work out, he doesn't have to stay forever.

@FlyingSuitcase, @butwhatcanwedo, @FrenchFancie, sounds like we all had very similar experiences. I struggle to articulate a lot of how I feel about it and you've all said pretty much what I have been thinking, so thanks. I'm trying to find the words but in typically awkward fashion I can't …

This is quite an emotive thread for many and people have contributed their experiences of boarding - whether that's as a boarder, a parent, BS staff, knowing a boarder - very eloquently and honestly. It's rare these days to see such a diverse yet respectful thread on AIBU. Thanks all posters for contributing to a thoughtful discussion.

I wouldn't be able to let my 13yo live away from home. Who knows what might be happening to him there, or what he might be feeling, if there is no parent there to pick up on it? Probably he will be fine, but I would only take the risk if he were dead keen on trying it. If he has an equally good school ten minutes away, why send him away?

If you have an excellent local school where some of his friends are going then I'd definitely go with that.

Boarding schools often have pupils from miles away (which can be an advantage, as there can be more of a mix of languages and cultures, although there won't be as much of a mix in terms of class). But it means that in the holidays, if he's local, he'll have friends around to socialise with.

A friend has her son at a school which is part boarding (he doesn't board), and in the holidays all the boarders go home, or go on long summer holidays, so there's less of a community.

DS just started at boarding school last autumn; his choice, although like your son he was very relaxed about the options and would have concurred if we had pushed day.

I wouldn’t have said he was a “typical” boarder - not as sociable or sporty as your boy. But he loves it. And that’s despite an experience which has been a fraction of how it usually is due to covid and despite the emotional disruption of having friends sent home to quarantine, going back then not going back etc etc.

It’s brought his independence on in leaps and bounds and we’ve all realised that the bits of teenage frustration which were starting to come through were because none of us were letting him be as independent as he wanted. Boarding school has allowed him that freedom.

Crucially I guess he still feels the anchor rope of security to home is very firmly attached, and we have said many, many times that we would never make him board and that if it doesn’t work, there’s always another option.

To cut a long story short, my own view is that boarding is 100% different when the child does not feel at all “sent away”. Your son sounds as if he would relish the opportunity.

I'd go for the state school. Couldn't dream of sending my 12-year-old away from home, it's still so young. Just can't see what the benefits are of being away from his family. But, of course, it's up to you. Good luck.

In regards to your question about the relationship between parents and boarders - I was very close to my dad and step-mum before I went away and remain close to them 25 years later. I speak to them at least once a week and would really like to go and farm with my dad. My holidays meant I spent quality time with them and that our days were filled with love and enjoyment rather than nagging, arguments and teenage drama. My dad taught me how to farm, my mum taught me how to bake and play poker. I think as long as you nurture your time together, which it sounds like you already do and would continue to do then you and he will be fine.

If you’d said he was 7 I’d say your relationship would most definitely be affected, but at 13 he’s bonds with you and his sisters will be film as the bulk of his childhood has been with you in the family home.
I think if he doesn’t board at his new school he’ll feel left out of things a lot socially as it’ll be a case of
Was the thst funny when - oh you weren’t there were you
I’ve known people who say as teenage day pupils they begged their parents to let them board as they were so left out

@BooksMusicSnacks thank you. I too have found your posts and other similar ones helpful. Really interesting to see how others manage their relationships with their own parents now too. If anyone's thinking of getting counselling and hasn't already done so, I would recommend it. I put it off for decades because I was afraid of being told to have honest conversations with my parents but having bitten the bullet, that hasn't been part of it at all.

I should probably have added that my cousin didn't always see her parents in the holidays. Her dad did some government job abroad and they couldn't always get home, although her mum usually did.
She's always been firm that her children will never go to boarding school and they don't. I can kind of see benefits of independence and it being easier to leave for university and possibly better grades but I don't agree with sending children away from home. Just my personal view.
I think seeing the effects of boarding school on my cousin has affected everyone as no one has considered boarding school for their children. Although I suspect boarding school is very different now to how it was then.

I have one boy and two girls and although I wasn't a single parent my ex worked away so much that I more or less was for all practice purposes. I'd say go for it provided it won't cause resentment from his sister's.
I don't care what anyone says, boarding school instills a resilience and self reliance that kids just don't get in day schools. Private schools also instill a level of polish that state schools don't. It's as simple as that.
My son boarded from the age of eight (chorister so huge scholarship) and his sisters boarded from 13 (also on huge music scholarships). My son is now 27 and says that, with his father being absent so much, he really appreciated being at school and living in a house with lots of other boys. He loves his sisters dearly and is very protective of both of them even now but he would have loved a "real" brother and is very glad that he found a couple if his housemates at school who remain as close as brothers to him now.

Sisters (bl*dy autocorrect)

I'm just wondering how he got a chance to get a scholarship. Did he current school put him forward or was it his idea to try for one?

I'm not the OP but I'm curious as to why you ask that, Iwantawhippetor2.

FWIW the OP does say that both her DDs are at outstanding local schools, one on a scholarship (so presumably another independent school). So one can assume they're just a striving, high achieving family ...

Scholarships (and bursaries) are widely available to try for. Every halfway decent independent school makes such provision clear on their website. But inevitably they are only offered to, and taken up by, people who have sufficient optimism, confidence and organisational skills to apply.