Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

@PursuingProxemicExactitude is 1000% right.

But, PracticingPerson - I left a particular school in order to attend the boarding school. I was already familiar with my alternative future, and kept in touch with my old friends. So I do actually know exactly how my school life would have been if I had stayed. And my home life didn't change appreciably; same love, same expectations. I wasn't treated differently by my parents or siblings. There was never any question of my growing away from them. Boarding was just one aspect of an already full and happy youth - not some monolith that entirely defined my life.

So I do actually know exactly how my school life would have been if I had stayed.

Well, no, no you don't.

Clearly no one knows what their unlived lives would have felt like. You are imagining it in your mind. Imagination is not real life.

'And they are being brought up by us, day by day. If some people are determined to believe otherwise . Not my problem.'

You aren't bringing them up, you are putting them in care. Holiday time etc all very lovely but you are handing over parenting 24/7. Fine it is your choice. Just own it, it is for your sake not theirs. It is the fake 'oo boarding is spiffing' that is ridiculous really.

Not in a million years would I send my child away at such an crucial age to be raised by strangers. You have a brilliant alternative too and a child who it seems will flourish wherever he is.

I have a son and daughter, at separate boarding schools. They were overseas boarders while we lived overseas, then chose to keep boarding when we came back to the UK. They have loved it - and we are a really close family, and they are best friends. We have weekends, exeats, long half terms and holidays together and meanwhile they have great friendships and endless opportunities to study hard and do all sorts of extra-curricular activities. Go for it!

BoardingSchoolMater
My husband loved boarding school his brother didn’t.
My husband never returned to live in the family home whilst his brother at nearly 70 years old never left. His brother cried apparently for a few terms and begged to be brought home but he had to stay. He said eventually it was the realisation that no amount of crying and pleading was going to do any good so he stopped trying. Even after hearing this his parents still thought it was the best place for him.
I always wonder what would have happened if my husband and his brother had gone to the local grammar school instead.

@Bythemillpond My Xh's problem wasn't boarding school: it was terminally useless parents. His parents wouldn't have given a toss if he had told them he was unhappy (they were several continents away, and this was pre-modern communications, so there wasn't much chance of him conveying this). They were defective parents. His youngest brother went to school locally, and he also has long-standing problems regarding their parents.

If the family/parents are problematic, then boarding school will be likewise. If the family is otherwise good, as it sounds to be in the OP's case, boarding will not be in the slightest bit damaging.

My dad went to a good state school. My uncle had a scholarship to a very good boarding school. My dad had a fulfilling career, long marriage to my mum, and lived into his 80s. My uncle had three marriages, addictions, and died before he could retire after at least fifteen years of health problems.

You can imagine which I'd choose were I in your shoes.

@Boardingschoolmater "I can, however, say (as this was the OP's question) that my relationship with them, and their relationships with one another, have been unaffected by them being at boarding school"

How can you possibly know this? It just doesn't make any sense to me. How many adults choose to live away from their partners all week, and stridently deny that it has any effect whatsoever on their relationships?

When the eldest sibling goes away the younger ones can be really young - my brother was 7. I had a friend at school who was one of mixed sex twins. I just can't compute this adamant insistence that these children's relationships are unaffected by something as fundamental as not living together.

Perhaps parents should test this out by living away from their partners for a few years before having kids. Just to check that their relationship is completely unaffected, if not improved by facetiming and not having to argue over the washing up.

Chewingle - would you care to elaborate?

@KorumamaT

You may think it’s dramatic but my comments are backed up from research, lived experiences and analysis of impact on young people into adulthood.

Boarding school syndrome is a real condition and I can guarantee that being in a safe, comfortable home with a close relationship (attachment) with ones parents is far better than being at a boarding school on your chances of good outcomes in life.

I can see your point. However, if you have a safe, comfortable home with a close attachment to your parents, boarding or non-boarding makes no difference. The quality of the relationships at the outset is what matters.

The way I try to rationalise the anti-boarding-school sentiment is that I felt the same about nursery when my children were small (why would I want to farm my children out to strangers who didn't care about them?)

I wonder how many people who reject boarding school had their young children looked after by nurseries/CMs/nannies.

If you have an outstanding state school nearby I would send him there. Not many years left until he's properly grown up & independent so I wouldn't curtail my time with him.

If you felt you couldn't cope anymore and would be at the end of your tether that would probably be the only scenario in which I would send him boarding - to avoid burn out/breakdown. But it sounds like this isn't the case.

'wonder how many people who reject boarding school had their young children looked after by nurseries/CMs/nannies.'

Child care isn’t the issue. We all use it, it's the living with the carer that is weird. We don't send them off to live with childminders for weeks on end.

Glad to hear you’re grasping the amazing opportunity for your son.

I have two girls who board and it has been a fantastically positive experience for us. We only had the opportunity due to DH’s job and DD1 (academic & sporty) started when she was 9 and went on to get a scholarship to a top senior school. DD2 is a real home-bird with some additional needs, but we found the right school and she loves boarding too.

If anything, boarding has made the family much closer; everyone loves, and makes the most of, their time together and you don’t have the daily struggles with timings etc- our time together is far more positive than before. We’re definitely not any more distant because if it. My girls really appreciate their opportunities and they lead the most amazing lives. Good luck to you all.

[quote FlyingSuitcase]@Boardingschoolmater "I can, however, say (as this was the OP's question) that my relationship with them, and their relationships with one another, have been unaffected by them being at boarding school"

How can you possibly know this? It just doesn't make any sense to me. How many adults choose to live away from their partners all week, and stridently deny that it has any effect whatsoever on their relationships?

When the eldest sibling goes away the younger ones can be really young - my brother was 7. I had a friend at school who was one of mixed sex twins. I just can't compute this adamant insistence that these children's relationships are unaffected by something as fundamental as not living together.

Perhaps parents should test this out by living away from their partners for a few years before having kids. Just to check that their relationship is completely unaffected, if not improved by facetiming and not having to argue over the washing up.[/quote]
Fair question. However, XH and I made decisions on the basis of all our children's needs and personalities. We didn't always make the right decisions (who does?), but boarding was the right decision in our children's particular cases.

FWIW, the subject arose when DC1 was younger, and I refused to countenance it because it wasn't right then.

I'd also say that the relationship between parents and children is very different from the relationship between partners. My XH was abusive and I would have been delighted if he had pushed off for months - but, that aside, he and I did at least agree on choosing the best schools for the children's particular needs and personalities.

I accept completely that boarding wouldn't be right for some children and families. However, I think you should perhaps accept that it works really, really well for others.

I know it’s no help, but you have to do what deep down in you’re heart of hearts feels the right thing for your son. Only you really know his nature and how well he’s suited to boarding school.

When mine were little I always thought that there would be no way on earth I’d send them to boarding school. Now I actually think one of my dds would thrive there (not that I can afford it). The older dd on the other hand would really struggle with it and it wouldn’t be the right choice to send her.

It might make you less close, or it might not. Teenagers tend to spend a significant amount of time avoiding their parents anyway.

Good luck with your choice.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'wonder how many people who reject boarding school had their young children looked after by nurseries/CMs/nannies.'

Child care isn’t the issue. We all use it, it's the living with the carer that is weird. We don't send them off to live with childminders for weeks on end.

We all use it [childcare]

No, we don't. I didn't. My children didn't start school until Year 1/2. I thought the idea of having my small children looked after by someone other than me was barbaric, and had no particular desire for them to start school when they had just turned four. I couldn't begin to understand why anyone would have children and then farm them out to someone else, at the time when they are hoovering up the world, learning to talk, learning values, becoming interesting little people, etc. However, that's just my opinion, and that's what happened to work for my family and me. It also happened to be financially feasible.

Can you not see that the same might be true of boarding school?

Sounds like you're raising a fine young man there. I have some male friends who boarded from that age - confident, successful in their chosen fields, family orientated and still have strong bonds towards each other.
Best of luck with your decision

My husband was sent to boarding school in England at the age of 7 when his Mum and Dad lived on an army base in Malaysia. He was with his brother who is 4 years older but often didn’t even return during the shorter holidays because of the travel time.
He speaks positively about his time there. They are a very close family and even now although they live quite far apart they make a lot of effort to meet regularly (not right now obviously) and catch up on the phone.
I don’t think your relationship will suffer. He won’t be a million miles away and he sounds like he’ll enjoy it.
I just hope you’ll be ok, it must be a very strange feeling having a child live away from you. I am a complete wuss and would find it really difficult but you sound far more sensible than me 🤣
Tbh, eitherway it sounds like he’ll go very far 👍🏻

I absolutely agree with you @Tubs11 well said.

My cousins boarded from age 10 and hated it. Their parents worked abroad and at that t3the children couldn't stay there once they turned 10.
My female cousin never forgave her parents even though she is in her 40s she still holds it against them. She isn't close to them at all. Since they retired they have bent over backwards trying to make it up to her but she hasn't forgiven them.
I know other people who have been to boarding school who have close relationships with their parents but are very independent. For example 3 out of 6 of my dad's family (including my dad) went to boarding school and those are the 3 that moved to England after they finished school. The 3 who didn't stayed very close to home. Coincidence?
It sounds a great opportunity but I'm not sure living ar school is that good. I'd also be wary of things like bullying or struggling to make friends. There is no let up if you're there all the time.

it must be a very strange feeling having a child live away from you

What's even stranger is that once they are there, it very quickly becomes completely normal.

I was with my children every single waking minute until they went to school at 5/6ish. I could tell if there was something wrong with them by the way that they were breathing. They were (are) like additional limbs.

They still went to boarding school. And it made no negative difference at all to anything.

Sounds like an opportunity too good to miss.

@KorumamaT

You may think it’s dramatic but my comments are backed up from research, lived experiences and analysis of impact on young people into adulthood.

Boarding school syndrome is a real condition and I can guarantee that being in a safe, comfortable home with a close relationship (attachment) with ones parents is far better than being at a boarding school on your chances of good outcomes in life.

Boarding School Syndrome, as described by Joy Schaverien in her book "Boarding School Syndrome: The psychological trauma of the 'privileged' child" is caused by being sent away at a young age, and having no choice in the matter. The examples Schaverien interviewed had typically been sent away at 6 to 8 years of age.

The OP is not 'sending' her small child away. She's allowing her teenager to make the decision.