Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

He sounds like a very bright boy and if the local school is academic , he will do well there. My ex-husband was sent to boarding school & has all sorts of issues because of it so I won't entertain it for my kids. He will grow out of the chaos as he matures - that shouldn't be a reason for choosing the school.

I didn’t enjoy full time boarding at 11 as I was v homesick. At 13 I swapped to weekly boarding and I loved it. It didn’t affect my relationship with my Mum as it was my choice to go in the first place. My relationship with my Dad was bad, but I don’t think it was related to going to boarding school and being away made it easier for me to cope with. However, despite all this, for my DD I would choose the great school nearby personally as I want to see her everyday and however selfish that might seem, that would be the main influence in my decision.

I went to boarding school and I LOVED it. I originally started off as a day pupil but wanted to board so my parents let me. I cannot actually name one negative! I have a good relationship with my parents and I never felt I’d been “sent away” as it was my choice.

I am 34 now and still in regular contact with my “house mistress” who I often meet up with for a coffee. It had such a positive impact on my life. I listen to people saying how much they hated school and I feel sad!

I would send my children if I could afford it. I will definitely be applying for scholarships for them :)

@KorumamaT

Please don’t send your child to boarding school. It affects every part of their emotional well-being. It affects relationships. It will destroy your relationship in the long run. Please look up “boarding school syndrome” If there is a say option please take that. You will not regret keeping him home... I can almost guarantee that you will regret sending him.

@KorumamaT That’s very dramatic! I had a wonderful positive experience as did many! I don’t know anyone who didn’t in fact’

Your son sounds like he would be perfect for boarding. My 13 DS weekly boards (or used to last term!) and loves it.

In his view he gets to hang out with his mates, play loads of sport, the boarding house has unlimited quantities of toast and Nutella and he avoids being nagged by his so annoying parents. What's not to like for a 13 year old boy.

Conversely my 11 year old DD really wanted to board as well (because she saw big brother having a fab time) but it didn't work out for her and she went back to a day pupil after half term because she missed her darling parents so much. I suspect she will have a different view when she gets to 13.

'In his view he gets to hang out with his mates, play loads of sport, the boarding house has unlimited quantities of toast and Nutella and he avoids being nagged by his so annoying parents. What's not to like for a 13 year old boy'

But it's our job to teach basic skills or 'nag' as you call it. Why are so keen to hand over parenting to paid staff?

I would agree with @KorumamaT about that parents thinking of sending their children away should research boarding school syndrome as it is a very real issue.

Hope the teeth brushing is supervised the amount of Nutella and sweets that apparently get eaten at these schools !

the "unlimited toast and Nutella" type comments are irritating. I personally didn't find unlimited access to crap white toast and spreads was a suitable substitute for daily interaction with a loving family.

I remember a boarding school thread years ago where a poster had sent her very young son (about 8 or 9 I think) to boarding school and posters were expressing concern about his emotional wellbeing, she pointed out that he "lived in a castle" which must be every little boy's dream. I think parents delude themselves that nice grounds/material things outweigh the deficits caused by the lack of family life and love. They just don't.

If unlimited nutella is very important to a child they could have that at home.

I wouldn’t do it unless it was my absolute last option or there were serious circumstances that meant it was my only option. You can send him to an outstanding school and he can live at home. What does your son want to do?

Hi, it’s my first time posting as I do have quite strong feelings about this. My cousin and I are the same age, both at the same school then he went to boarding school and I didn’t. It opened up a world of opportunity for him. I was jealous at the time abs still wish I’d been able to go. My little sister also went to boarding school for sixth form and the contacts she made there have made her life quite different to mine abs my other sisters. I don’t think it’s just about education, you meet such a diverse group of people that it really opens your eyes to what’s possible to you. They’re also both fiercely independent people and have fantastic relationships with their families. I’d say go for it. If it doesn’t work he’s still young enough to be pulled out at an early enough age to not affect friendships.

I would try M-F boarding, you risk him thinking later in life you ‘sent him away’ #weekendparent and all of that.

I think he should take the opportunity and go boarding.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'In his view he gets to hang out with his mates, play loads of sport, the boarding house has unlimited quantities of toast and Nutella and he avoids being nagged by his so annoying parents. What's not to like for a 13 year old boy'

But it's our job to teach basic skills or 'nag' as you call it. Why are so keen to hand over parenting to paid staff?

I totally agree with you that it is indeed a parents job to nag and teach basic life skills - which should have already been achieved by the age of 13 and if not I would not then board him. Equally I would not board full time only welly as I would still want to have visibility and enforcement on his behaviour and when his behaviour is unacceptable I simply threaten to send him as a day pupil which is no hassle seeing as his sister already does that.

I do not see it as outsourcing parental responsibility but more recognising his preferences and teaching him greater independence. If his behaviour deteriorated or he didn't want to board then i would simply send him in as a day pupil.

@PracticingPerson

If unlimited nutella is very important to a child they could have that at home.

The Nutella comment was simply a light hearted addition to a topic of importance to the OP.

I trust that the OP's decision like mine on the what is the right educational setting for her son will weight up a number of factors that most likely does not include the volume of Nutella that is available.

@Kateguide

Is the boarding school mixed?

I know a lot of complete prats that have gone to all boys boarding schools.

I know a lot of complete prats. Some of them are female.

It's not as if prattishness is solely related to boys' boarding schools!

All I can say is that there are lot of prejudices about boarding schools here, either based on complete ignorance or on how schools were 30 years ago.

As with all school choices, it's a question of matching the child to the school.

I can, however, say (as this was the OP's question) that my relationship with them, and their relationships with one another, have been unaffected by them being at boarding school. I think they would say the same (I did ask DC1 in the light of this thread, but his reply wasn't very helpful - "I was a knob when I started, and I was less of a knob by the end").

I was, fwiw, sceptical about boarding until DC1 started. Experience showed me that I was wrong.

Someone upthread states that the only opinions worth considering are those of people who have boarded, rather than those currently sending children to boarding school.

I am both.

I boarded several decades ago and was as happy / unhappy / bored / frustrated / befriended / cared for as I would have been had I continued at a day school. My family were and remained close and loving and involved in each other's lives. I am still close to my remaining parent now. They were absolutely doing their best for me - but I absolutely would have been able to tell them if it wasn't working out. In fact, they would have realised before I did if that were the case. It's deeply puzzling to read post after post essentially telling me that my experience was illusory.

Now I am the adult and we have the experience of 'sending' a child to boarding school. Inasmuch as one can send a teen anywhere. There's no way they would be boarding unless they had been fully involved in the entire process from the start. And as a family we have frank and open communication. The idea that any child in the household would hesitate to let us know if they were unhappy is laughable. We know before they do when they are troubled by anything. That's how functioning families work. Boarding doesn't change that.

And they are being brought up by us, day by day. If some people are determined to believe otherwise . Not my problem.

I think weekly boarding at 13 wouldn’t be too bad but my concern would be that the local state school has a better academic record and as someone pointed out upthread that universities look for more coming from a private/public school and so in the long run the boarding school would put him at a disadvantage
But he might find it doesn’t

I don’t know what the outcome would have been if my husband had not gone to boarding school just after his 7th birthday.
I know he doesn’t have the best relationship with his parents and never moved back into his parents house after.
He always felt like an outsider in the family home. He stayed over in the school for half terms or would get taken out for a day trips if his parents came down. It has left him with several issues.

@Bubbles90

My younger son has been doing weekly boarding from the age of 11. It's been a little more difficult for him as he's very sensitive and more attached to me. There were tears at the beginning but he settled in fine after the first term.

I'm not even particularly maternal or emotional a person, but I just don't understand how or why you would do this. I have an 11 year old daughter, and at the first sign of tears she'd have been back home with me.
It takes a very different type of parent to be able to send them away in the face of this.

I boarded several decades ago and was as happy / unhappy / bored / frustrated / befriended / cared for as I would have been had I continued at a day school.

We can never possibly know what our other lives would have been like, so this is, obviously, a false statement. You might have been far ahppier or unhappier.

I think you've made the right decision for him.

Not every child hates boarding school. I didn't go but i know people who did. They still had good relationships with their parents. The ones who didn't have a good relationship wouldn't have had a good relationship regardless. Their parents didn't care unfortunately. Money only goes so far with kids.

You have a good relationship with him. Boarding school is unlikely to change that. Independence might be the thing he needs to get him to improve his organisation. Nagging him won't work, he needs to learn from his mistakes.

@Bythemillpond My XH was also sent to boarding school at 7 (Forces family), and it did him no favours at all. He had a disjointed relationship with his family, who were abroad and who were in my view very selfish (though that's perhaps unfair - who knows what was going on in their lives).

Our children's experiences have been very different, though.

You may think it’s dramatic but my comments are backed up from research, lived experiences and analysis of impact on young people into adulthood.

Boarding school syndrome is a real condition and I can guarantee that being in a safe, comfortable home with a close relationship (attachment) with ones parents is far better than being at a boarding school on your chances of good outcomes in life.