Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

Boarding school must have been blessed relief!

She has just explained that she did not find it that way at all. Do what you want with your son. I'm sure it will be fine. But don't put words into that posters mouth or tell her how she feels about her abusive upbringing to make yourself feel better about your own (perfectly fine) decision.

Sorry if that sounds harsh!

Pretty much everyone I know who boarded is still very negatively affected by it. I boarded a couple of times for short periods when my parents were abroad and absolutely hated it, I felt quite desperate, like I was a battery hen rather than a child (slightly over dramatic I know lol)

However most of them were sent away early, dh for eg at 7 or 8, and in fact he said he loved prep school but the lack of freedom once he got to be 15 was a nightmare. His relationship with his family definitely suffered, but he begged to be allowed home and to go to London day schools like his sisters and was told he couldn't (third generation at same school, twat of a Father)

Despite all this I think you would be wise to try it out. At 13 and with a personality like your ds I think it would likely be fine. Is the school in a decent sized town? If in the middle of nowhere he might find it very restrictive when a bit older maybe. As you say he can always change his mind. Also if it was mixed I would be much more inclined to send him.

I have 13 years old boy and I wouldn't. I'd miss them too much and also would be afraid of creating distance between him and siblings. I see my two teenagers developing a lovely closeness now they can hold a proper conversation. I really believe that growing up together is important to cement the bond. Good luck on your decision

I did t out work in her mouth

The post the PP posted so struck me when I read it at the time - it sounds truly awful. So I can as curious re how much she hates the concept of boarding schools

@sadpapercourtesan. It sounds as though you had a thoroughly rotten childhood, and I’m so sorry for what you endured

I went back to my old school recently and that’s when the penny started to drop. The people who had been my house parents, ie ‘in loco parentis’ didn’t even remember me. I’d been in the school and boarding house for 7 years. At the end of the day there was no one to debrief with except other children. Teenagers are actually children, they need lots of guidance - I see it time and time again when friends with younger teens who are struggling actually scale down work or whatever to help them. If they are at boarding school of course you don’t necessarily know when they need you. I did enjoy being a boarder at the time - head of house, prefect, music theatre etc yes it was fun. But the effects are ingrained into you longer term.
I’ve also started to feel all this more and more strongly as my own children approach that age when I went to boarding school. One year ago I wouldn’t have said anything bad about boarding school because I hadn’t put all the pieces together yet.

Personally I wouldn't, my motto is that they grow up fast and I want to spend every possible opportunity with them, as they are soon grown up and living their own life. You only get to see them grow up once and be a big part of their life, influence them, make happy memories etc.

He may not fully know what it entails if he seems laid back by it all. My mother was in boarding school, then she lost her parents st the age of 14, regrets ever going. She ended up in an orphanage and pretty much lost her childhood (i know that's off topic but just giving the rest of the story).

It isn't for everyone, I know i would miss my son too much, although if he was desperate to go i would support him, but if the local school is good I would go with that.

Sounds like the local school is better.

The 'public school' cachet might have eased a previous generation's path to Oxbridge. Now it's more likely to reduce his chances.

I don't get the obsession with Oxbridge. What's Oxbridge got to do with it?

I boarded from 11, I would never let my children board.
I wanted to go, it was my choice to go but once I was there I hated it! I cried every day for a term and then regularly for the next six or seven years, all I wanted was to go home. There was no escape from the mean girls, no privacy no warmth (actual or emotional - the place was bloody freezing!)
But my parents were very invested in me staying in school and I always felt I couldn’t be truthful with them.
The whole experience made me very indépendant but I’m now very critical of people who are not indépendant - I had to work shit out for myself from 11 so I have no tolerance at all for adults asking questions and depending on me. Makes me rather a challenge to be married to. I also crave privacy and quiet and hate physical contact like hugs etc. If I’m sad or upset I won’t show it (never got you anywhere but bullied in school so there’s no point).
There’s a whole theory about the damage boarding school can do to children - ‘boarding school syndrome’ it makes an interesting if slightly scary read.
Maybe things have changed and the behaviours and attitudes that were so damaging in the 80s and 90s have passed, but it’s not a risk I would personally take.

I have never been able to get over how some parents send their children away at 8 years old. Being in the forces or living abroad is absolutely no excuse. If my OH had a job of this nature then the DC would either come with us , or I would stay behind in the UK with them. Why have children if you're not going to see them grow up?
However, I do think boarding school from 13 onwards is a different scenario. Not something I would ever consider for my DC but I can see that it is a good option for some children.

DH and I both boarded, as did DD1. We all had positive experience. If your child wants to and you can sort the cost, I wouldn't dismiss it. Are your reservations about his potential experience or how you feel about him going away? Some boarding schools have online parent forum for just this sort of discussion. Good luck!

I have lots of friends who went to boarding school (I didn't). Every single one of them has a colder and more distant relationship with their parents than all my non-boarding school friends.

I absolutely wouldnt do it!

Sorry but i dont see if you have chosen to have and love your children why you would send them away, they will leave of their own accord when they're ready at 18+, and at 13 they're not mature enough to make a decision

i just dont think its a positive message, and particularly when it sounds like you have a very good local state option

if its a single sex school they will likely have limited opportunities to meet with the opposite sex during a formative period - this runs a significant risk of damaging their future relationships through lack of understanding/awareness

the people i was at private school with who have most often struggled to maintain close relationships are those who were boarders

according to both my sons, the pupils transferring into their state school for 6th form, from single sex/boarding, also had extremely unfortunate attitudes to women

I felt that there was definitely something missing for the girls who were boarders at my school. Yes they had lots of fun - loads of it - hiding bottles of vodka under the floorboards, piercing each other’s ears, doing pranks on each other, giving each other make up tips, developing strong friendship bonds.
But you could see that there were gaps. They missed family life . Quite often my boarder friends would call me at home in the evenings, and they’d hear the noise in the background and say “is that your Mum/brother, what are you all doing this evening” etc, and say they wished they could be at home.
I have a 15 year old DS. Of course at his age he’s very much into his mates. All evening he plays on Xbox with his friends, laughing, joking, having lots of fun. No interest in his boring old Mum at all. But when it comes to bedtime, any worries he might have (GCSEs, the future, anything really) all come out, and it’s me he wants to talk to. I couldn’t bear the thought of him lying in bed after lights out, with only his fun-loving mates around him.
The girls at my school would get boyfriends, fall in love with them, spend time with them, be dumped by them, have their hearts broken - and their parents wouldn’t even know the boy’s name. The girls basically parented each other.

Surely no one would turn down that opportunity?
He’s old enough to enjoy time away from home, it’ll be the making of him 😁

I personally feel the decision should ultimately be your sons.

I know he’s young but young people can still be make rational choices and advocate for themselves.

I’m not sure why people are saying he’s too young. He’s 13 not 3.

I would give the boarding school a try , it’s probably a one time only opportunity

I would probably give it a go as it would be a shame to waste the opportunity but switch him if he’s unhappy.

Both my brothers went to boarding school, the oldest was bullied but didn’t tell my Mum about it until he was an adult. He hated it. My middle brother was fine there. My relationship with both of them suffered because they weren’t at home. It was a different time, we didn’t really tell our parents our problems. if you have a good relationship with him now just make sure it continues and he is able to be honest with you about how he likes it.

Please don’t send your child to boarding school.
It affects every part of their emotional well-being.
It affects relationships.
It will destroy your relationship in the long run.
Please look up “boarding school syndrome”
If there is a say option please take that. You will not regret keeping him home... I can almost guarantee that you will regret sending him.

I’d absolutely send him, what an opportunity for him!
Plus you have the luxury of if it doesn’t work out he could likely still go to a great state school

'Pretty much everyone I know who boarded is still very negatively affected by it. '

Yes they of course enjoy the fun while there, dc tend to accept whatever they are presented with but it's only later they question it. The constant presence of parents and family lives are an important part of child development.

'He’s 13 not 3.'

Well, he's 13 not 18 or 19, the age kids usually leave home or go to university. Why farm out 24 hour care to strangers? School should be a part of their lives, not all of it.

I was always a little jealous of the girls boarding at my own school - they seemed to be having a wonderful time!
Sounds like a great opportunity for your DS and as a weekly boarder he will have the best of both worlds.

My daughter went at 15 she adored it, made her such an independent person, so mature and they really taught her how to think not just follow the leader. We had a great relationship before she went and whilst she was away (pre mobiles) we talked constantly. Have a great relationship now, although she lives 3 hours drive away

Both of my children board. My oldest started full boarding at 13 and loved it from the word go. He misses home of course but he's having a great time at school and loving his friends there and his school life. There were no tears at all. My younger son has been doing weekly boarding from the age of 11. It's been a little more difficult for him as he's very sensitive and more attached to me. There were tears at the beginning but he settled in fine after the first term. He loves all the opportunities that boarding provides him. Boarding has not damaged our relationship, quite the opposite, we are closer than ever and are able to cherish the quality time we have as a family. We were very apprehensive about sending them boarding but it's been the best decision we made and I believe this is down to having chosen the right school for them.