Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

Having read this thread with interest I would now say categorically, no, don't send him. He's left it up to you- that's not a child with a burning urge to go, so why risk his experience being as negative as that of many pp?

I wouldn't send him either, you have a great school on your doorstep and you have a lovely relationship and I'd want to make the most of that before he goes to university. I wouldn't want anything to create distance within the lovely relationship you currently have with him. He might love boarding school, but it will change things.

@Bottwistle

I think that boarding school can make a child less independent in some ways though. Boarding schools these days allow children very little freedom. They can't just pop into town to go to the shops or meet up with friends. They don't take public transport on their own. They don't go for a bike ride on their own (or probably at all). And things to do outside of school work are worked out for them and provided for them. They have prep times, rather than working out and sticking to their own study schedule. Food is made for them - they're not expected to cook any meals, not even breakfast.

Which boarding school(s) are you referring to that are like this?

At the boarding school DD went to...
They can pop into town
They can meet friends
They do take public transport on their own
They do go for bike rides on their own
They can choose to join in with out-of-school activities or arrange their own
They work out their own study schedule
They have kitchens in which they can cook meals, and they are all expected to work in the school kitchen for at least one year

@Bottwistle

I think it would be pretty difficult to have a boy or girlfriend while at boarding school.

DD and her boyfriend, who got together at boarding school, are still together 2 years later.

I think your mind is made up, OP.

I had boyfriends from age 12 continuously. Married very young and then divorced. Made uni decisions based on where boyfriend went which was a mistake.
Boyfriends gave me the closeness all people need in the absence of parents. Not good.
Thanks for the posters above who understood what I said. I only realised this all aged 40 and it’s been a huge realisation of why I am who I am and what I missed out on by basically not being part of my family from age 11.

I went to a boarding school which is known for being nurturing, small, intimate, educating the whole person, big focus on character and tem work and all that. There was still severe bullying - I think there is in every school, but it's amplified in a boarding environment and children do suffer regardless of the school's "friendly ethos". They simply didn't do anything to prevent or control it, ime.

For me the sticking point is that children need love, proper supportive unconditional family love, on a daily basis. They can't have that at boarding school. Even if it's the best boarding school on the planet and all the other benefits are amazing. I have 16 and 18yo sons at home in full-time education, and both of them need the love of their parents to be be a daily constant, not something rationed out in letter and phone calls or looked forward to in the holidays. Many boarding school children end up making unfortunate life decision (especially when it comes to relationships) because their upbringing was outsourced to professional adults - often highly dedicated, commendable and capable adults - who were not their families and therefore did not love them. There's no getting past that obstacle, for me, so it would never be an option for our children.

For me the sticking point is that children need love, proper supportive unconditional family love, on a daily basis. They can't have that at boarding school.

This is so untrue I don't really know where to begin rebutting it. I boarded from 9-18, as did my sister. My wife boarded from 8 to 18. None of us ever felt that we weren't loved unconditionally throughout that entire time. Not once, ever. I am in my mid forties now, and come from an overseas family, so there were no phone calls except at exeat when I stayed with family friends and, later, school friends. There was no email, no FaceTime, just aerogrammes and an 18-20 hour flight twice a year.

My parents took the trouble to prepare us for it long in advance, with honest talks about why they felt it was best for us and what the trade-offs were likely to be. Every single interaction they had with us before, during and after my time at boarding school underlined that they loved us dearly. They took a clear interest in what went on, asked, listened, wrote whenever they got the chance. My wife came from a family that lived 45 minutes away from her school and whilst she saw her parents more regularly than I did (most weeks, in fact) she also feels that her parents loved her very deeply, and took as much of an interest in her education and personal development as they would have done had she stayed at home.

We came from loving families, and we knew it. Boarding school did not change that! It's probably more true to say that it amplified it. The idea that my parents' love was somehow "rationed out" is actually really insulting.

It also meant that we valued the time we did spend with our parents much more. While my friends who had stayed home were eager to spend as much time as possible away from their parents once they were old enough and had the money to do so - and probably some time before then - we enjoyed our parents' company, valued their time and wisdom, and have remained close long into adulthood. I am always amused by threads where someone's 15 year old doesn't want to go with parents on a family holiday; it was truly unthinkable for us until we were in our early twenties, and I still love go on holiday with my surviving parent now, or at least I did pre-pandemic.

I do have friends from school who did not enjoy it. They were the ones "sent away" to be got rid of, for a variety of reasons. These were dysfunctional families with twisted perceptions of "love" long before boarding school had anything to do with it, and again boarding school probably amplified it, although in a few instances school actually provided the kids with respite and more stability anyway.

Boarding school is likely to be out of reach financially for our own DC, but my wife and I will explore every possible option to give them the same things we had.

None of what you posted actually contradicts the point I made - that children at boarding school are not loved by the adults who do the nuts and bolts of caring for them on a day to day basis.

Of course they know they are loved by their parents (most of them) and the relationships continue through contact and holidays etc - I don't dispute that. But my contention was that children need to be in a daily, practical relationship with the adults that love them. That is optimal; to me boarding school is a workable alternative where day-to-day parental care isn't practicable, eg for forces families where it is felt that the stability of education outweighs the deficits.

I didn't expect boarding parents (or even other boarding veterans) to agree with me, but your post doesn't actually counter mine in any way. I didn't say children at boarding schools weren't loved by their parents. I said they weren't being brought up by the adults that love them, on a daily basis, and in my opinion that is always a second-rate arrangement whatever the perceived benefits.

'I was a boarder from age 11. I’d never ever let my kids board. No way. That tension at home? That’s just you both learning about each other and working towards a strong relationship as adults. If you board you miss out on that and the daily stuff of family life. Who cares about the changes in technology? Think how so many people now are desperate to see their loved ones in real life not on zoom?'

Exactly, all the 'mine can't wait to get back to boarding!' as if they're very proud that they're so disconnected from their dc. Yes we all want them to leave home and be independent it just seems rather sad to push to do it when still younger kids.

As an ex-Boarder, reading this thread makes me realise that the damage from Boarding goes even deeper than I had ever realised.

So much makes more sense now.

Success is not just academics and sports and the pursuit of perfection - it is also learning to live with the ones you love and who love you, with all the highs and lows of what is just normal life.

You can't get the time back and 13 to 18 is a very key life stage.

I'm glad this thread is available with both sides of the argument for parents to make informed decisions.

'But my contention was that children need to be in a daily, practical relationship with the adults that love them.'

Yes it's often said on mn but they're just in care really, with hockey and rugby thrown in but we all know institutionalised care is not the best care for children. I wonder how it would be viewed if those from a low income could send their dc away to live when they thought sports was a good substitute for family life.

Is the boarding school mixed?

I know a lot of complete prats that have gone to all boys boarding schools.

@sadpapercourtesan

I value your input. Did you board?

Yes, from 13 to 18.

I recall from another thread you outlining the horror that was your relationship with your mother. It really hit me as you clearly despised her and had a dreadful relationship.

Do you not thinking that boarding in this scenario was better than living with someone you now are NC with because of her abuse?

Yes, that's the complication in my case - I went to boarding school largely because my family life was imploding and me being at home wasn't healthy either.

I have many, many friends from my boarding school years who have struggled with relationships later in life (including the ones who thrived and "loved it") and have experienced grief and insecurity especially since having their own children, and those children reaching life stages in which they themselves were away from home.

I know mine is a niche opinion. I don't expect everyone to agree. But for me, and my children, nothing - NOTHING - can replace the daily presence of parents who love you personally, and unconditionally, and whose care reflects that. No boarding school can provide that, and I think parents convince themselves that their children don't need it.

...and even as a pupil with a rotten home life, I did suffer from the lack of love/touch/intimacy that results from being under the care of detached professionals (often very, very good ones!) rather than people who loved me for myself. It's a line in the sand for me.

No comment about boarding school but have you ever looked at A. D. D? May shed some light on the constant forgetfulness.

MY DD went to boarding school at senior level and it is an opportunity of a lifetime so take advantage of the offer as it generally costs a fortune with fees and sundries. It gives them an air of confidence, independence, and an edge in the job market. With the longer school days, and social activities it makes them rounded. They tend to appreciate their families more with quality time spent during exeats, holidays etc. If it does not work out for any reason you can always remove him. Good luck.

Boarding schools are unnecessary and unnatural and I can prove it .An old friend's father worked abroad and her parents lived apart when necessary rather then send her away. A child's place is in the home - forces families have British Forces Schools, workaholics and globetrotters have their priorities wrong. These schools should be allowed to exist if no child can be compelled to go to or stay at one- to force a child to do that when they hate it, as was done by a now deceased knight of the theatre a right-on Sixties pop star and a soap actress is unforgivable and should be illegal. I also oppose compulsory sport religion cadets prep and Saturday lessons and believe that no child should have to do lessons for more than five hours a day five days a week.

I have found the post that hit me @sadpapercourtesan

* No. My main impetus for finally jettisoning the foul, selfish, abusive hag from my life was the fact that her behaviour had started to impact my children. So there was no way in hell she was going to have access to them without me.*

My only regret is that I didn't make the break for my own sake, years earlier.

Boarding school must have been blessed relief!

We have spoken at length today, and he’s gone from a bit

“you decide mum because well... I prefer thinking about rugby, cricket, mine craft, the snow, the chocolate cake I know that’s in the cupboard...”
To

“Oh I definitely want to give it a whirl and will be SO cool to be in same house as P&E, and will you pack my a huge tuck box and will I also be able to have a little weekly money for take away pizza because P says they do that occasionally”

But I’m still in two minds, so will continue to mull over and have so appreciated all the thought provoking responses

* Boarding schools are unnecessary and unnatural and I can prove it .*

The first comment to have made me chuckle out loud!

And the one post on this thread that I have read the opening sentence and then decided not to bother reading further!

No, it wasn't blessed relief, actually. It was out of the frying pan and into the fire. I was bullied pretty much non-stop for three years, and I struggled hugely with the cold, impersonal, lonely life I led at school (despite it being one of those schools that prides itself on being nurturing and intimate etc). I was a very, very unhappy teenager indeed, from the double whammy of an appalling home life and a miserable boarding school experience.

I do wonder whether my relationship with my mother might have had some slim chance of rehabilitation if she hadn't made the decision to throw me away at 13, but I doubt it tbh. The ide of sending my children away during their vulnerable teenage years sickens me. They need to be at home with their families.

Love is something you do, every day, not something you write in a letter.