Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him

I went around that age and found that I stopped being argumentative towards my parents, especially my mother. Of course, it helped that it was always the holidays when I was with them, so they felt less inclined to discipline me.

Much nicer all round.

It sounds ideal to me, strong academies but not quite such a pressure cooker environment as a selective grammar.

Congratulations, these are great options to have

VestaTilley dont agree with you at all. Her son seems happy at boarding and delighted his friend will be there too. No idea where you have the idea that 'deep' down' he doesnt really want to go.

I get frustrated at everyone banging on about academic results, some kids love sport, art, drama and dont do so well with 'academics'. So focus on what the childs strength.

Anyway tonight I mentioned that we really needed to make a decision and he looked at me quizzically “I thought I was boarding

I think you need to have a proper conversation about it OP and make sure he really wants to go and talk about all the implications. It feels like you want him to go and were just relieved that this was his reply and that's that.

The people on this thread who have been to boarding school are the ones who to listen to, not the parents of dcs who have been

My parents have been amazed that none of their four boarding school children have sent their own children to boarding school, when we apparently loved it so much. We didn't love it, we just didn't let on because they were paying for it and anyway, it was all we knew.

I wouldn't let him go, because whatever the advantages (which don't even seem that great in this case), I don't think they outweigh the advantages of living with people who love you. Teens need a lot of love. They don't need to be independent yet. I think it's important for them to spend a lot of time with people who really care about them. However good the pastoral care, unless things are seriously awry at home, it's not going to be better than living with family members who care about you and are interested in how you're doing.

I have three boarding DC and boarded myself, and my main observation on the whole debate would be that it entirely depends on the individual child. All those who are saying that parents of boarders are unaware that their DC secretly hate it should have a listen to my older two who have just spent the whole of dinner moaning about how bored they are of lockdown and how desperate they are to go back to school. (And we are an ordinary happy family before anyone thinks they secretly hate us )

And the OP’s DS sounds ideal for boarding, from what she has written on the thread.

I work in a boarding school. It takes kids from age 7 to 13 and offers Flexi boarding. The kids generally love it but there are only a few full boarders who stay all week (mostly older ones).
I would say the key to a good boarding experience is not just down to the school but the parents. We have kids who you just know are there because their parents don't want them around. They feel the distance with the family quite keenly, but they would be poor parents where ever their child went, it's sad BUT the majority are there for other reasons. Example, the expats who want the kids to have UK schooling, they chose our school as the grandparents live near so there is still family connection. The military kids getting stability. A number of Chinese kids, who all seem to love boarding.
I think if you are a loving, involved parent, boarding school can be amazing. I think it's the best job in the world. Weekly boarding is full and it's not uncommon for families to have 1 child board and the other doesn't want to so goes home every day, even a couple who live in walking distance but board!

Since I didn't have children in order to fuck them off when they reached puberty, I would say no. Don't send him

I went to w boarding school at 11 and I wouldn't send any child to one. Relationship with parents not good and didn't get better till I was about 30 and I still blame them for making that decision. Please don't there are other options i am sure children need their parents to be there for them and take an interest in how they progress up close not second hand via reports

@Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady

Since I didn't have children in order to fuck them off when they reached puberty, I would say no. Don't send him

A curiously bitter and rather sad view.

If the underlying family relationships are based on love and respect and warmth and humour (as well as all the tiresome and less delightful bits), this will remain the case, whether a child boards or not.

I've had many tears from my remaining boarder, Sunny. She and I have a very good relationship, but she's also desperate to go back to school.

I was a boarder from age 11. I’d never ever let my kids board. No way. That tension at home? That’s just you both learning about each other and working towards a strong relationship as adults. If you board you miss out on that and the daily stuff of family life. Who cares about the changes in technology? Think how so many people now are desperate to see their loved ones in real life not on zoom?
Agree with all the other similar posts - I would never ever tell my mother how I feel because she is so proud about where I was at school and really believed it was the right thing for me. It would break her to know the lifelong issues it has given me so I keep it to myself.

I'd just popped back onto this thread to say similar to what you've just said @butwhatcanwedo
(I boarded from age 11 too)

Talk of getting on better because you only see one another in the school holidays; and being less tension...I'd wonder if a child is starting to emotionally detach from a parent. Or sadly, maybe they feel grateful they're home and don't want to rock the boat so are on their best behaviour. To me, that's unnatural, part of establishing a deep meaningful relationship is working through some of these teenage tensions together.

My parents haven't got a clue how I feel about boarding school, it would upset them too because they were trying to put my education first. And I was okay when I was there … it's only now in my thirties I realise how messed up it made me.

Anyway OP, I don't want to be the voice of doom here. Whatever happens I wish you and your son very well, I am sure you have read enough on this thread to keep asking him the right questions and most of all being very open and honest with him.

@combatbarbie

My daughter started in P7 Scotland, she loves it, counts the days when on holiday to go back 😳. She could easily come home every weekend... She chooses not too so will only do it for birthdays etc.

As for relationships, I think it has made us stronger as a family. We value each other more when we are all together. She gets on better with her little sister when home instead of the constant bickering.

It's not for everyone, but it works for us.

Genuine question here, not being snarky but doesn’t it bother you that she would rather be there than with you? I think I would be gutted. I know they do get to an age where their friends are more important and I am ok with that but I would rather that didn’t happen for as long as possible .

I went to boarding school and was really happy there. I lived in rural Australia where unless you live near a town with a secondary school you board from 11-18. I had a lot of friends and was busy all day. It wasn't perfect and I did miss my dad and step-mum a lot but for me it was the best choice. I grew up in England with an awful mother and moved to Australia with my dad when I was 9, I always knew I'd have to board but knowing that my breaks would be spent with a loving, warm family was absolutely worth the trade off. All of my friends were in the same situation and the majority had siblings in other grades so still had a family connection.
I don't have kids and currently like in the UK (though hopefully not for much longer) so it's a moot point but I wouldn't board my hypothetical kids here cos there are good day schools in our area but if my hypothetical children lived the life I had I wouldn't hesitate to send them to boarding school. It's hard to completely compare because it's apples and oranges but a lot of my non-boarding friends seem much less independent and self-sufficient. For example I was 23 when I moved to the UK and had a housemate who's mum did all her shopping for her, came round to clean her room and leave her meals in the fridge and the housemate often went back to her mum's cos she missed her so much. I know that's an extreme example but I can't see any of my boarding friends needing that level of parenting as adults.
I would say go for the boarding for your son, it's close enough that you can visit for an afternoon, he can come home for weekends, you'll be able to attend matches/parent's day/etc without any bother and technology these days mean you can stay in contact with him as much or as little as suits you both.

I asked my dm (border 11-18) why she didn’t let us board and she said however good the pastoral care children who board spend most of their time after school with people who don’t love them and aren’t putting them first

I think that boarding school can make a child less independent in some ways though. Boarding schools these days allow children very little freedom. They can't just pop into town to go to the shops or meet up with friends. They don't take public transport on their own. They don't go for a bike ride on their own (or probably at all). And things to do outside of school work are worked out for them and provided for them. They have prep times, rather than working out and sticking to their own study schedule. Food is made for them - they're not expected to cook any meals, not even breakfast.

So in some ways I think they're infantilised. Health and safety and child protection is such a big deal for boarding schools. Some children find it very frustrating.

I think it would be pretty difficult to have a boy or girlfriend while at boarding school.

My girls went/go to private schools. Both schools have boarding option. I remember the paperwork palaver when we had one girl round for dinner ... and possibly a sleepover. So it doesn't surprise me when posters have said that boarders will enjoy lesser freedom these days.
And people/the press have been going on about students stuck in their accommodation during lockdown. Well, what about boarding school pupils?! Young kids stuck there or having to go live with their 'guardians' because their parents are overseas.
Appreciate this isn't your situation OP, but no, it wouldn't be for me.

@Bottwistle

I think that boarding school can make a child less independent in some ways though. Boarding schools these days allow children very little freedom. They can't just pop into town to go to the shops or meet up with friends. They don't take public transport on their own. They don't go for a bike ride on their own (or probably at all). And things to do outside of school work are worked out for them and provided for them. They have prep times, rather than working out and sticking to their own study schedule. Food is made for them - they're not expected to cook any meals, not even breakfast.

They are encouraged to bring their bikes They are allowed to go into local town on Saturdays and Sundays by themselves They can get public transport home and they can get buses in to the next town on weekends

They have to do their own lunches at the weekends
They prepare their own after school snacks (cheese on toast, that kind of thing)

@Bottwistle

I think it would be pretty difficult to have a boy or girlfriend while at boarding school.

They find a way, believe me There were 2 pregnancies among boarders at my old school and those were the ones I knew about. I believe round the back of the music block was a popular spot. Would these children have been having unprotected sex and then having to deal with it helped only by people paid to deal with it rather than people who (presumably) loved them if they hadn’t been at boarding school?

@butwhatcanwedo "I was a boarder from age 11. I’d never ever let my kids board. No way. That tension at home? That’s just you both learning about each other and working towards a strong relationship as adults. If you board you miss out on that and the daily stuff of family life. Who cares about the changes in technology? Think how so many people now are desperate to see their loved ones in real life not on zoom?"

Yes I think you've articulated something that I was struggling to do so.

So many of these comments from parents, especially around reducing conflict and still talking to them lots over the phone, sound like exactly the sort of things we could frame as positives of lockdown. Sure, we might argue less with people we see only infrequently but that's not a positive, it's a small consolation for the much bigger loss that lockdown has imposed. And arguable unhealthy.

OP I also wanted to mention the conversation I had with my parents aged 9. I was offered 2 schools, only visited 1 and didn't like it. When the acceptance came through from the boarding one I looked at my mum and said "so that means I'm going there?" and she said yes. Her view is that it was entirely my choice (and therefore my fault if it screwed me up.) My view was that I had zero choice. Children don't - can't - see the big picture. Your son is understandably focussing on his best friend and tuck boxes, he's not mature enough to weigh up the potential impact on his relationships and security. You're the adult, that bit's all on you even if he begs to go. His best friend going is exactly the sort of reason that shouldn't drive the decision. They might not even be talking to each other in a year.

I do think it's very odd to send your young child away when there's an outstanding school on your doorstep? Unless the boarding school offers him opportunities he would otherwise be denied I can't see your reasoning? Snobbery? Less "hassle" not having to deal with the frustrating day to day parenting?

If he was the driving force behind it and he REALLY wanted to go then yes I would consider it but you say he's ambivalent?

I know people who boarded from early ages. Some hated it and resent their parents but most are completely fine and enjoyed it so it's not necessarily going to cause harm but without a crystal ball I don't think it's worth the risk plus I wouldn't want to miss out on the last years of my last child's childhood. I agree there definitely is a "difference" in the sort of relationships the boarders I know have with their parents - not necessarily bad but they do rely on friends more than family and don't have the same attachment to "home".

Is waiting an option? Where I live it's quite common for people to board for their last year/two years of school. I did my last year as a weekly boarder and enjoyed it but I was 17, begged to go and went with my friends from home so a very different experience.

I think most boarders know the damage it did and can see the same damage in their own parents/grandparents. Of course it’s not the end of the world. It’s more like losing half your fingers. You can continue, and probably do everything you would have, but your life will be shaped by it.
In my family 100% of my parents generation boarded, my generation (cousins) 57% board, my children’s generation 4%...