Do you cook all adult DC's meals?

[BoredBeforelEvenBegan]

If they live at home, obviously.

DD is 24 and I cook all her meals - she likes different food to the stuff DH and I eat and we eat dinner later than she does so I usually cook her meal separately in the evening. She doesn't cook herself but makes herself a sandwich for lunch sometimes.

She pays board so I always considered this to be fair enough, until I saw someone on here mention that they don't cook for their adult DC.

Do you cook for yours? Do they cook for you? fantasises about someone else making my dinner for a change

I never know what time I'm going to be home from work so if they (gang of sons, age range 14 to 18) waited for me, they'd go hungry. The only day I plan & cook a meal for everyone is Saturday. They all do their own laundry & share of the housework too.

No, she doesn't have friends. She's always been a bit of a loner.

So she stays in all the time, yet she doesn’t do much round the house and still has her dinner much earlier than you and your DH, like a child would?

DD will eventually leave home and DH will probably have to do a bit of looking after me at some point in the future.

One of the most important jobs of being a parent is setting our children up to be adults. You must do this for your DD before she ends up being the one who slips into carer roll for you, and the new housewife that looks after your DH. That happens to so many daughters. Please do not allow it to happen to yours. She needs to live her life and be an adult

OP you have a crucial part to play in your DD’s behaviour. Learning to cook is a life skill, if she managed university, then she can follow a simple recipe. She messed up cooking rice (haven’t we all) but that’s no excuse.

You’re enabling her checking out of parts of being an adult. What ere you afraid of happening if you didn’t indulge her helplessness?

Surely if she's out of work she has loads of time to learn to cook?

One meal. Take it or leave it. All kids cook one main meal a week during the holidays. They're out 7-7 in the week. No 2 weeks the same meal. They've done this since 12.

If all your daughter can cook is a sandwich I can't see her ever leaving home. Is that the plan?

You need to start considering this as a lodger situation and not a parent and child situation. You are still parenting your 24 year old in the way you have all her life, she is an adult now, she doesn't need parenting. If you paid rent to a landlord you wouldn't get your food cooked, laundry done, housework done etc. You'd get a roof over your head and nothing more. She needs to stand on her own 2 feet or she will never leave.

Neither you or her are working, this is the perfect time as there is plenty of time for you to show her things and for her to practice.

At 24 it really is unacceptable to not be able to stretch beyond a pot noodle and a jam sandwich.

I do most of them, but only because they are both here wfh and I'm generally not working in the afternoons. They are working constantly until 5.30-6pm, so although they are both competent cooks we would be eating too late if we waited for them (prefer to eat about 6-6.30)

They will cook evening meals at the weekend, and DS often makes us all lunch in his lunch break.

Op to must be some kind of Saint to have been able to do this for her lifetime so far!

The only way that I am coping with lockdown - cooking for 6 (ks2 and teen) kids is that each of them, once a week, helps me - ie does most of the cooking and laying the table etc - while I supervise. I was getting sick to the back teeth of the relentless cook, clean, cook, clean, cook, clean every day and it has saved my sanity.
Hopefully it also means that by the time they are adults they’ll be cooking for the family! Plus I do get to spend some alone time with each child which is working well.
Why not start cooking alongside her and teaching her some skills?

My MIL treated my SIL like this. She made her completely dependent on her. She kept making excuses as to why SIL couldn't get a job and made her into her side-kick. It alienated her from the world.

She lost touch with her friends because she had nothing to say to them. They talked about going to university or their jobs and SIL had nothing to talk about because the only thing she ever did was go to the shops with her mother.

They were once at my house and a friend dropped by and my friend started talking to SIL and they discovered that they were the same age. But friend had two children, a dog and a job and husband. She goes on holidays and she goes out. SIL had nothing to say. It was a bit of a wake up call for everyone as MIL was treating SIL like she was 15 and she was in her late twenties at this stage.

You are doing your dd a huge disservice by not preparing her for the world. If you don't want her doing her own separate laundry then she can do all the laundry.

She doesn't have to like the meals you make, she just needs to eat them. If she wants to cook something else then she can crack on.

Nutella is not a sandwich.

It almost sounds like you want to keep her as a child OP, you really should be encouraging her to be more independent at 22. Saying she does the "odd bit of hoovering" when she's not even at work, what on earth does she do all day?

I only just saw that she only makes Nutella or jam sandwiches. My 9 year old with SEN can manage that! He brings down his washing and strips his bed every week, so does my 6 year old. The younger one helps put the clothes away (we're working on the older one).
You are actually treating her like a primary school child.

I lived at home for 2 years after university, and during that time I cooked all the evening meals and did the shopping. It was my way of contributing to household chores - and made sense since both my parents were still working full time and my job finished earlier. I also did all my own washing and once a week my dad and I would do the cleaning together. It meant I left home totally capable of looking after myself. You need to step back so your daughter has to cook I would say, if she is not naturally interested or inclined that way. My mum is an amazing cook and I'm sure she probably looked at what I produced sometimes and inwardly cringed, but on the other hand food does always taste better if you don't have to make it yourself!

Can you source a good simple cookbook for your DD and get her to learn the basics. I find that pictures help as it's often easier to see what you're meant to be doing. I don't get the excuse 'I can't cook'. If you're able to read and follow instructions then you can cook. I started teaching my DS as a teenager. He was reluctant at that time and hated handling things such as raw chicken. But I persevered and by the time he went to Uni he was a competent cook and now actually enjoys creating and adding extra ingredients. He's been stuck at home with us since beginning of December (should be at Uni) but whilst I do most of the cooking, he does cook for all of us once or twice a week. There are some things he won't eat but the only variations I will make to his meals are very small. Eg. I made a risotto. We wanted butternut squash (which he won't eat). The squash gets roasted anyway so I made one risotto then at the end I fried some bacon bits in a separate pan and spooned some risotto in with them before adding the squash to the rest. I'm sure you could do similar to your DDs meals to save cooking totally different meals.

I have 16- and 18-year old DSs. There's no way I'm cooking all their meals! I'll cook one main meal a day. Outside that, I'll offer to make them something if I'm making mine and they're around. They're perfectly capable of making their own and should be practising anyway.

I cook a family meal, which they let me know, in advance if they will be home for.

If they're not home and the meal is suitable, I usually save them a plate to warm up.

If they're not in for a meal and I haven't put anything by, they cook for themselves.

I ask if there's anything they want when I shop.

They often cook for the family too.

They pay board, which covers some costs, they're not paying me to skivvy for them.

Ds15 adores cooking so he will do something Japanese or Thai every week. Ds 21 hates cooking but can knock up a decent breakfast and certainly can fend for himself if he's not gonna be home when I cook.
Dd 24 has a child and lives alone so obviously cooks full meals for herself.
It is dreadful that your dd can't /won't cook, and your husband. Who do they think they are. You need to pull rank and stop doing it. You dream of a week off from cooking, then bloody well have one.

If mine lived at home then no. They've always cooked their own meals from leaving school if they wanted something different to what was being made. Most of the time they just ate what was cooked though.

I wouldn’t, but I’m not a complete and utter doormat. An adult can care for themselves.

When mine was an adult but at home I cooked for us all and washing etc
Once a week she'd cook dinner
I was happy to bundle washing in the machine etc
I didn't do her ironing and she cleaned her own room changed bed etc

I do think that this is a conversation I need to have with both DD an DH, but particularly DH - DD will eventually leave home and DH will probably have to do a bit of looking after me at some point in the future

Probably a good idea. Paying board and working to pay bills, doesn't get you out of adult shit like how to care for yourself. Start with your husband, his easy ride has ended.

Phone for a takeaway indeed! Anyone who can read and are able bodied can follow a recipie on the internet. There are no excuses.

@BoredBeforelEvenBegan

May I ask does she do her own washing?

No. I assumed that was included in her board?

Would you do a lodger's washing if they paid you board?

Add another item to the teaching list OP: Show DD how to use the washing machine!

I cook for my 2 18 and 20 ! If they don’t want what I’m cooking they can have beans on toast 🤣 or go hungry !
Daughter 18 has been cooking a family meal once a week which is nice

I was more independent at 14 than your daughter is at 24!! I'm sorry but you've been unreasonable in letting her get to this age and still acting like a child. She needs to step up and grow up. And your husband needs to pull his finger out too! She'll never learn if she doesn't try.

It really is never easy to ask for help , I absolutely get how difficult it is when you notice that you can no longer do things for yourself.

All the more reason to get your DD to be more independent. You can think of it, to yourself, as preparing her for life while you still can. How do you decide what to cook for her? Do you involve her in the meal planning ?

How about offering to assist her in making what she wants to eat. And if she is not interested, can always join your meal later.

Where did the idea that paying board means a four star service? Everything you want to do starts from challenging that idea , getting clear especially in your own mind that theses are skills which every adult should be using.

Another thing to get clear in your own mind. Just because you cannot currently work, does not mean that you need to martyr yourself as the domestic skivvy. You are loved for yourself, not just for what you do for your family. If they don't already get that, get it clear in your own mind and raise your expectations of them.

It's easy to play small and be sure you are loved for being useful. You and they are better than that.

You also deserve to have some interests of your own. They will become increasingly important for you as things progress.

You have got this. Go for it.

It's been a while since we had adult stepsons at home but I would tend to cook unless someone else wanted to make a particular meal (which they'd do for all of us). If it weren't the same meal or at the same time they'd do something for themselves. I'm used to making additions/tweaks to our meals for our two youngest anyway so unless the food was totally different I'd just carry on doing that.