Do you cook all adult DC's meals?

[BoredBeforelEvenBegan]

If they live at home, obviously.

DD is 24 and I cook all her meals - she likes different food to the stuff DH and I eat and we eat dinner later than she does so I usually cook her meal separately in the evening. She doesn't cook herself but makes herself a sandwich for lunch sometimes.

She pays board so I always considered this to be fair enough, until I saw someone on here mention that they don't cook for their adult DC.

Do you cook for yours? Do they cook for you? fantasises about someone else making my dinner for a change

Whenever I go and stay with my dm, she insists on cooking for me, even if I don't want to eat the same as the rest of the family. The funny thing is, I was expected to do a lot more for myself, like making my own school lunch and cooking dinner (unless I ate the main meal she made) when I lived there as a teen!

I stayed with her for a few months after a relationship ended, and she cooked for me most of the way through. Whenever I tried to do things for myself she'd jump in and stop me! It drove me mad. I tried to make up for it by doing lots of laundry (everyone's stuff was bunged in together, it wasn't seperated out), washing up and loading/unloading dishwasher, wiping kitchen surfaces and hoovering etc. I suppose I was a guest and I'd lived away for about 15 years by the time I moved back in, so it's a bit different to your dd, but at your dd's age I'd been living on my own for 6 years already and even if I hadn't like I said before, my mum expected much more from me as a teen than she seems to as an adult!

I think for your and everyone else's benefit, both your dd and your dh need to step up a bit around the house. Especially given your health.

I have 2 adult sons living at home. I had a large loft extension and they share a shower room. Both sons do their own laundry including sheets. Both cook for family once a week. One cooks Bolognese and the other toad in the we hole but we don't mind if it is always same meal. DH cooks once a week and I cook other 3 night and 1 night takeaway. Sometimes.onr or other adult son won't want what I cook. That is fine then he has to cater for himself. There are always pizza, sausages and frozen fish they could throw in if they don't want what I am making. Mostly though they are just glad to have a hot meal made for them when they get home from work. They both pay me generous keep money to cover food, laundry detergents, eletricity, gas, water, Sky Sports and cinema and BT Sports in their rooms along with Netflix and Amazon Prime and stupidly fast internet speeds with unlimited data which we only have for them. I know I have made them far too comfortable but one is now saving for his own house. Once he has saved £5k I am going to match it for him to incentives him to keep saving.

Your job as parent is to prepare her for adulthood and independence. You're doing her a disservice by cooking all her meals if she won't eat what and when you are.

I used to cook all my dinners from 18 and now and very confident in the kitchen. My partner had all his cooked for him and still doesn't know what to make/how etc. Obviously he could learn but it comes down to confidence (he does more than his share of cleaning btw).

Don't baby her. It won't help her.

I've never cooked something different for dinner for different people in the house. Even when DS was very small he'd have some of it early, or some saved from the day before.

While now adult DS is here he cooks dinner once a week for everyone. DP cooks a couple of times a week in the evenings & generally does breakfasts at the weekend.

@boredbeforeevenbegun, so you dd is not working ATM. Take the opportunity to teach her to cook. My foster child with additional needs is 14 and I am teaching him how to cook. Last weekend he practised his peeling and chopping skills and I showed him how to make vegetable soup. He is learning to cook at school too. This week he made cheese scones.

OP you state in another thread about not driving:
dragging the shopping for three adults home in the snow with a walking stick and pain is getting ridiculous
So your daughter won't even help with the shopping even though she isn't working and you are in pain?
She is 24 for God's sake. If she won't adult up of her own accord you need to start pushing the issue.
As others have said you seem to like the martyr role, and if you do that's fine, crack on.
If you want your daughter to have an adult life you need to start making changes. You don't need to do the laundry. She is at home all day. Let her do it! Start making a list of housework etc and start getting her to pull her weight.
Do you honestly think that if she moved into a house share she wouldn't be expected to do anything because she pays rent?

I came home yesterday from a long trip away and dd had made dinner - it was in the oven.

I do cook about 4 nights out of 7 but if dd wants something else then she cooks that something else. I also sometimes suggest she cooks something else if I want food she doesn't like.

I am seeing her cooking more and more, her b/f cooks for herself so this helps

Mine can all cook, 5 of them between ages 13-21. They've learned the basics, can do eggs, make bolognese, chilli etc. They help with the washing and washing up and general tidying. I'm not having them leave home not able to know how to do basic housework or think that someone else will do it for them.

They make their own breakfast and lunch and we all eat the same thing for dinner, no matter who cooks.

When I didn't have a car we all used to go shopping together (pre-covid) and bring home a weeks worth of shopping in our rucksacks and carrier bags. No way would I have struggled with that on my own!

You need to let your daughter fend for herself. How is she ever going to learn if she doesn't practice? I don't really like cooking, but we have to eat, so I do it.

I would be about worried and annoyed if this was my DD - she doesn't work, doesn't have friends, won't or can't help you with shopping, laundry and cooking.... insists on a different meal at a different time to you and your DH ... what is she doing all day?

She does help with the shopping - it's a lot of stuff for us to carry between us though and involves us both pulling a trolley each and carrying a couple of bags too. At the moment we're going to the shop as little as we can so we have to carry more when we do. DH also goes out once a week to bring in some of the heavier stuff.

Lots of food for thought (no pun intended) here. I want to clarify that I'm not keeping her reliant so she won't leave home - this is just a habit I've fallen into with absolutely no manipulative reasons why. However his evening I shall be leaving a packet of pasta and a jar of sauce on the side and she can help herself. I'll look for some simple recipes for her and she can shop for the ingredients. I have done all this with her in the past, by the way, when she was mid teens. It's not like I've never attempted to teach her to cook.

She's had a shit time lately (job loss, having to put her plans to travel on hold, feeling shit about herself generally) and I think I've indulged her because of that. She's never had friends - she was severely bullied at school and at university she wasn't interested in drinking and clubbing or socialising generally. She does have interests (she plays a few instruments, she loves crafty stuff, etc) but they're all things she does alone.

I don't think there's much chance of me getting DH to learn to cook. To be fair he does work long hours and I don't at all so I don't mind really. His mother never taught him to cook anything and he's never lived alone so he hasn't felt the need to teach himself.

To those asking whether I would do all this for a lodger - I had a lodger about 20 years ago and I did. I was told that meals and washing were 'board' and 'lodging' was rent, and you charged less if meals etc weren't included. I also used to know someone who refused to charge adult DS anything at all because she regarded asking DC for board was making money out of them! She used to clean his room, so his washing, cook his meals, take him to and pick him up from work etc too. At least I'm not that bad

Incidentally how much do people charge adult DC for board? DD currently pays about £200pm which I worry is a bit steep but we can't manage on much less. When she was working she paid more though.

Thanks everyone for your replies, they really have made me think.

Ha Ha , no. You'll never get rid of them, they should be standing on their own two feet by 21.

My 21 yo DD and her BF moved in with DP and I during lock down - she does almost all the cooking and most of the shopping. Shes a fantastic cook too. She / we had a tough period in her teens following my divorce from her alcoholic father who ceased any attempt at parenting when she was 12 which makes me doubly happy she turned out well. Now the beastie postie is out of the way - I wouldn’t mind cooking for an adult DC as a actually enjoy cooking x

Boastie postie!

She does help with the shopping - it's a lot of stuff for us to carry between us though and involves us both pulling a trolley each and carrying a couple of bags too. At the moment we're going to the shop as little as we can so we have to carry more when we do. DH also goes out once a week to bring in some of the heavier stuff.

So why not get a taxi OP? You say in other threads you don't want to get a bus because of Covid but the shop is only a mile away. So a taxi won't cost a fortune especially not once a week. Your daughter could walk to the shop for any odd bits you need more regularly?

@Tiktaktoe I don't want to get in a taxi at the moment to keep the risks from Covid as low as possible. Loads of drivers from our local firm have been off with it. It's a pain to carry shopping home but for the time being it's the safest option, hopefully it won't be for much longer!

Fine to cook meals if you're eating together but it's a bit mad making two dinners every night. Do you actually enjoy doing it or is it just habit?

I don't really get the 'can't cook' mentality. If you can read, you can cook. There are millions of easy, few-ingredient recipes to choose from.

There must be some crossover of what the three of you will eat? It might not be your favourite but it doesn't need to be –being served a plate of food for me is nice enough, it doesn't need to be anything amazing. Jacket potatoes are usually a crowd-pleaser and it's easy to do different toppings.

If she's feeling low, she may actually benefit from completing household tasks (she'll get a dopamine hit!). And you'll be doing her a favour in the long-run. At some point she's going to have to cook for herself.

Honestly if you don't get taxis how would you know their drivers are off with covid?

I think DD needs to learn to cook; start simple with a kids cook book or similar. Eventually your DD will need to feed and look after herself out of your home so this is an important life skill.

My DD is at home from Uni and doing a remote working unpaid placement. She pays a token £100 towards food each month.

If she wants what I'm cooking, I do her a portion, sometimes I fancy what's she's having and she'll cook for me, sometimes she'll offer to cook for me, my partner and herself and sometimes my partner cooks for all 3 of us. It's very give and take and it's the same with food shopping, we write a list and take turns. She cooks all her own lunches and breakfast though.

Can't answer, my kids are young.
However my momma! Cooks for her adult children! She'll make the usual food that everyone will be eating, but if her adult kids ask for something else, she will make it, god she'll even go all the way up to the third floor and hand the food if they working. They are boys so she runs after them like they are toddlers still

If they want what everyone else is eating then yes me or DH would cook for them, if they want something different they cook for themselves

Breakfast is DIY here. Lunch depends.. I’ll often make a big pot of soup and people can help themselves (although it’s now only me and ds14 in the house). I usually cook for both of us, but he’s capable of cooking a simple meal, and does so semi regularly (either for the two of us or just for himself if we’re not eating together). Ds18 lives in dorms, and is a capable cook (although defaults to cheese toasties if he can’t be bothered). Dd21 and her dp rent a room from my parents, and they usually sort themselves out (I think my mum got a bit fed up and enforced this!)
I think if your dd isn’t eating with you guys, she should be prepping her own, not expecting you to do it for her.

@Tiktaktoe

Honestly if you don't get taxis how would you know their drivers are off with covid?

Because it's been in the local paper.

Why the ? Genuinely confused.

NC fail there