Do you cook all adult DC's meals?

[BoredBeforelEvenBegan]

If they live at home, obviously.

DD is 24 and I cook all her meals - she likes different food to the stuff DH and I eat and we eat dinner later than she does so I usually cook her meal separately in the evening. She doesn't cook herself but makes herself a sandwich for lunch sometimes.

She pays board so I always considered this to be fair enough, until I saw someone on here mention that they don't cook for their adult DC.

Do you cook for yours? Do they cook for you? fantasises about someone else making my dinner for a change

It is a start OP.
My guess is that eventually she will get bored of eating cake for dinner and start cooking.
Maybe getting her to work alongside you might be start if she really is too overwhelmed to manage ( rather than a bit idle).

I have two boys 19 and 23.
Youngest cooks meals regularly.
Eldest used to cook when he stayed at his Dad's when he was at Uni, but isn't keen so he does other stuff like laundry, cleaning etc.
When I first got youngest into cooking (when it was just the two of us at home) he needed lots of guidance as had literally no clue how anything worked, so I gave him lots of assistance (including when I was away leaving DS2 solo - he'd send me photos of the cooker knobs or the half cooked item asking for reassurance)
DS1 will be away once covid stops affecting his job prospects (related to his degree rather than working for Amazon)
DS2 is at college but local (and online at present) so still living at home, but expect him to be taking his part in the household.

DS cooks most evenings as his contribution to the household. He has more time, is a better cook than me, and enjoys cooking more than I do. Everyone does their own breakfast and lunch if they want it.

@endlesssnow

It is a start OP. My guess is that eventually she will get bored of eating cake for dinner and start cooking. Maybe getting her to work alongside you might be start if she really is too overwhelmed to manage ( rather than a bit idle).

I completely agree with this approach. However, she might not get bored of eating cakes for dinner though - that’s essentially what I did for 3 years at university as I hated cooking so much. But when I was home I had to cook for the whole family every couple weeks. I only had 2 recipes (chicken stew meal and spaghetti bolognaise) but it was a start for building on that basic cooking knowledge.

I think OP you need to insist that your daughter cooks for all of you once a week (she can have cake on the other 6 days).

I also think that you should encourage your daughter to join an online group/ new social hobby with the specific aim of making friends. Your daughter’s lifestyle just doesn’t sound very happy or healthy. It seems a waste of the best years of her life to live it like this.

Out of curiosity OP- do you and your husband have friends?

Mine are still small(ish) but when I was 20 I moved back in with my parents for about two years. They only cooked for me if we were all there together and it was discussed, like "We're going to have some pasta, do you want some?" But more often than not we were all doing different things and I sorted my own meals.

I had friends however who still had their parents cooking for them for years after that

My ds is 19 and his gf who lives with us is 18. They cook for themselves most evenings and always offer to cook for us too. I cook for everyone about once a fortnight.

Thank you all for your encouraging replies!

@Dannydevitoiloveyourart I have a few online friends but nobody local. DH has a close friend but he recently moved abroad so he doesn't see him anymore. Other than that, no. We don't have any family either. Which is why I had nothing to compare what goes on in our house with.

DD says she doesn't want to make what she calls 'real life friends' (she has plenty online ones who share her interests). I suppose some people are just like that, no real desire to be social. Me and DH go to lots of gigs, theatre, meals out and things (or at least we did ore Covid) but it's usually just us.

Well done OP, baby steps!
I'm 40 and my dinner tonight was a bowl of cereal because I couldn't be bothered cooking for myself, you could maybe suggest that as another easy option.

Well done OP!

You have done her no favours by treating her like a baby. You sound like a doormat OP. Just because your husband works, he wont learn to cook??

I've heard it all now

That’s really bad, two NT adults that you serve in your house, even when you’re in pain? They should be utterly ashamed of themselves, and working hard to rectify their basic life skills failure, without your input. I don’t even have words for how sad this is.

@BoredBeforelEvenBegan

Update: Earlier I told her that this evening she could either make her own basic dinner (pasta with a jarred sauce) or I'd direct/help her to cook something a bit more interesting of her choosing. She said 'What you mean is, you don't fancy cooking dinner for me'. I said yep, correct

When I gave her a shout to start dinner she told me she'd bought cake while she was at the shop and she'd had that for dinner instead.

In the past if I've not cooked for her for whatever reason (and she can't be arsed making pizza) she's done the same, just had chocolate or cake or biscuits.

I don't want this to become a battle of wills because I really don't want food and eating to become a battlefield. But I'm not going to be making her dinner any more, unless it's an evening where we're all eating the same thing.

At least I didn't cook for her tonight!

Good start OP. If she chooses to eat cake instead of cooking a simple meal for herself and for you and your husband that's sad, but it's her decision as an adult.

Now to address her contribution to the chores for the household she is sharing, including laundry. You can show her the best way to do it, including her checking the care labels on the items she's washing. The occasional hoovering or minimal cleaning really isn't enough, as she'd find if she was sharing with flat mates, who'd likely give her very short shrift.

Also regarding the main shopping. Have you considered doing a regular online shop especially for the large/heavy stuff and only going to the shops if a top-up is needed? Your DD can still do/help with that.

As for your husband. I think you do need to talk to him about his own contributions in the home, particularly as you become less able, over time. I'm unsure if he works weekends - if not he could possibly make a meal or two then? As someone upthread said there are so many cookery books, cooking programmes, YouTube videos etc around to give him a grounding on how to prepare a quick and simple, nutritious meal. Keep it up, OP. 🌹

Pre covid I ate separate to kids as both work full time,sometimes cereal, sometimes with DH, but mostly we sort ourselves out.
Now I'm soooooo sick of having to do family meals. It's like being in an army canteen, everyone eating the same food. Dh cooks but he only does spaghetti bol cos he likes it and I hate it.

Good for you, that's a start. Let her eat cake ... when she starts putting on a bit of podge, maybe she'll she learn to throw together a salad at least.
Next, I think I'd cook a delicious little dinner for one and tell your husband you've gone on strike.

I don't want this to become a battle of wills because I really don't want food and eating to become a battlefield. But I'm not going to be making her dinner any more, unless it's an evening where we're all eating the same thing.

This is something you might be mindful of with a toddler - she's a grown adult. She can have cake all she wants.

Baby steps op, she is an adult and can eat cake if she wants. Once she realises it isn’t a one off she will have a think.

She said 'What you mean is, you don't fancy cooking dinner for me'. I said yep, correct

Well done.!

That said, I might have phrased it differently, along the lines of how she needs to help around the house more and take on a share of cooking for the family. "Don't fancy it" rather implies that it's a one off.

@BraxtonChic
My DS (16) is exactly the same - he’s quite happy to sort himself out but would happily live on mini pizzas and chocolate Weetos 🤣

@midnightstar66

I don't want this to become a battle of wills because I really don't want food and eating to become a battlefield. But I'm not going to be making her dinner any more, unless it's an evening where we're all eating the same thing.

This is something you might be mindful of with a toddler - she's a grown adult. She can have cake all she wants.

Correct, "food battles" are for 3 years olds, not adult children! I'm glad you've taken a stand OP, onwards and upwards!

she's a grown adult. She can have cake all she wants.
Yep, if she puts on weight/gets scurvy that's her lookout.

Why do you cook her a separate meal because she won't eat vegan food? Do you cook meat for her?

[quote MissJeanLouise]@BraxtonChic
My DS (16) is exactly the same - he’s quite happy to sort himself out but would happily live on mini pizzas and chocolate Weetos 🤣[/quote]
Then let him.

I find it so sad you suffer from disabilities and your family are quite happy to have you slave over them.

I lived with my parents until my mid 20s when at uni, but I led completely separate lives from them from when I was about 17/18. My parents were quite clear that I was an adult I was to act like it. I'd occasionally cook meals for them and my mum/dad on the very small occasion would leave me a portion of what they were making but we ate at totally separate times and different meals. Even from the age of 16, I was told if I wanted clean clothes I was to do my own laundry and expected to help round the house. I'll be the same with my children, I never understand people who pander to children who more than able to do these things themselves.

"I don't want this to become a battle of wills because I really don't want food and eating to become a battlefield."

Why would you battle with a grown woman over her food? Just leave her to it

Nope my DD is 19, if she doesn't want what I'm cooking then she'll sort herself out.