Do you cook all adult DC's meals?

[BoredBeforelEvenBegan]

If they live at home, obviously.

DD is 24 and I cook all her meals - she likes different food to the stuff DH and I eat and we eat dinner later than she does so I usually cook her meal separately in the evening. She doesn't cook herself but makes herself a sandwich for lunch sometimes.

She pays board so I always considered this to be fair enough, until I saw someone on here mention that they don't cook for their adult DC.

Do you cook for yours? Do they cook for you? fantasises about someone else making my dinner for a change

My 21 yr old daughter works full time and hands up money towards her board every week. I cook the dinner every night and most nights she will eat what we are having. If not she will throw on some pasta ,pizza etc . I wouldn't expect her to cook for us and she will often treat us to a takeaway. She is responsible for her room and the upkeep of that ,she is an adult and that is her personal space. She will occasionally empty to the dishwasher for me but I don't ask her to do anything else around the house. I also do her washing don't see the point of having her do it seperate when I'm doing a wash every day anyway

My 23 year old DS lives at home with me and DH and we all share the cooking and housework. Sometimes DS and I cook together which is really nice as we have good chats. Other nights no-one can be bothered and we have a takeaway. Other nights DS will cook for himself if he isn’t keen on what we are having. He did live abroad for 18 months when he was 18-19 and moved back in as he is studying so he has had to shift for himself. I love having him at home as he eventually intends to live abroad so making the most of it while I can. Even so I don’t think I should do everything for him as I don’t want him to be the future subject of a manchild thread 😉.
My advice is similar to lots of PP- enable your daughter to become more independent by cooking some of her own meals and also cooking for her family.

OP, I say this with love and as someone who has their own health issues (limiting autoimmune condition, likely to get worse with age).

You may get to a point where you cannot cook and clean every day for yourself and your husband (and daughter if she's still living with you). You have to start now telling them you are having at least a couple of days off per week and that you expect them to contribute properly (eg by making a nutritious cooked meal, not a jeffing frozen pizza). Otherwise if you become more ill (or even just more tired) they are really going to struggle with the sudden increase in responsibility. And you're going to be faced with either doing it all yourself (when you're really exhausted) or making them do it (when you're really exhausted, and when they won't have the skills to step up so you'll be eating poorly prepared, un-nourishing food right at a time when you really need good nutritious meals for example).

Your husband works full time so fair enough that he doesn't cook every night. But he can cook once a week - he has to learn in case you become more ill (and also because he's an adult and you want a few nights off!! But baby steps). And tell him he can jolly well cook healthy food for you because you need it - not takeaways and other shite. He really only needs 8 good recipes right now - that way you will get good variety (the same meal only 6 times a year if he cooks once a week) and 8 recipes is not too hard to start with.

Your daughter doesn't work, so there's no excuse for her. "Board" for a person in their mid-20s doesn’t include all cooked meals and laundry services unless you are really charging a lot for board. She should be cooking 2 nights a week minimum and she should be doing either all her own laundry or the household laundry a couple of days a week.

Put in place some steps now as a hedge against your illnesses getting worse. Yes they might complain but your future health takes priority over their laziness/lack of interest.

I have been through this process with my husband. At times his reluctance to step up has caused me to think about leaving. But he's getting better. And I'm glad I did it before I become really ill. Because being very ill and living in filth and on takeaways is not where I want to be.

@gorillasinthemist if I was going to make stuff up I'd make it far more interesting than talking about DD's dirty washing!

To be fair I don't really know what's normal as I've nothing to compare it to, that's why I asked here. I left home at 17 so it wasn't an issue with my mother. I don't have any friends or family or anything to compare with. I feel as that as I'm at home all day and don't work the vast majority of the housework should be my responsibility.

The thing is, she may not know how to cook but the only way to learn is by doing...

Not sure what to suggest really, having read all your responses. Either some tough love now, where you tell her to start cooking for herself and let her crack on and make mistakes as necessary.
Or she may never learn ! And live off ready meals when she leaves home. I find it odd when I meet people who can’t cook, as I like food and would be driven mad by only eating ready made stuff ...

And apart from should she /shouldn’t she learn - she should absolutely be cooking for you some days!

At 24 I had left home and had my first job... some of my cooking was a disaster but I didn’t come to any harm!

@BeTheHokeyMan

My 21 yr old daughter works full time and hands up money towards her board every week. I cook the dinner every night and most nights she will eat what we are having. If not she will throw on some pasta ,pizza etc . I wouldn't expect her to cook for us and she will often treat us to a takeaway. She is responsible for her room and the upkeep of that ,she is an adult and that is her personal space. She will occasionally empty to the dishwasher for me but I don't ask her to do anything else around the house. I also do her washing don't see the point of having her do it seperate when I'm doing a wash every day anyway

This is kind of how it works in our house, except DD does the washing up. When she was working she would often buy us all a takeaway or take us out for dinner. Obviously she can't at the moment but when she's found a job she will again.

All the dirty washing goes into the same basket and I do two or three loads a week. If I didn't do DD's I'd probably be running the washing machine two thirds full, so it doesn't really make sense for her to do a separate one just for her stuff.

Her room is her business. It's a bit of a tip but that's her lookout. Someone I used to know cleaned their 26yo DS's bedroom for him once a week - sod that!

[quote BoredBeforelEvenBegan]@gorillasinthemist if I was going to make stuff up I'd make it far more interesting than talking about DD's dirty washing!

To be fair I don't really know what's normal as I've nothing to compare it to, that's why I asked here. I left home at 17 so it wasn't an issue with my mother. I don't have any friends or family or anything to compare with. I feel as that as I'm at home all day and don't work the vast majority of the housework should be my responsibility.[/quote]
You left hone at 17 - I assume you could sustain yourself? Why would you want your DD to be less skilled than you are?

What age do you think is appropriate for acquiring independent living skills? How are you thinking of teaching get?

I'm genuinely curious, does she ever prepare any food at all? Heat up soup? Make scrambled eggs or a sandwich? Bake anything?

If they are having the same as everyone else I cook, if they want something different it's up to them to sort it. My eldest is 14!

Oh sorry, I see you said in your OP that she does sometimes make a sandwich.

When I still lived at home, my dad used to cook all week (home first) for all 5 of us; and my sister and I were veggie. We (the kids) used to cook over the weekend - always enough for everyone/plus various boyfriends/girlfriends. Seems mad to have 5 people cooking different meals at the same time.

@Mincingfuckdragon2

OP, I say this with love and as someone who has their own health issues (limiting autoimmune condition, likely to get worse with age).

You may get to a point where you cannot cook and clean every day for yourself and your husband (and daughter if she's still living with you). You have to start now telling them you are having at least a couple of days off per week and that you expect them to contribute properly (eg by making a nutritious cooked meal, not a jeffing frozen pizza). Otherwise if you become more ill (or even just more tired) they are really going to struggle with the sudden increase in responsibility. And you're going to be faced with either doing it all yourself (when you're really exhausted) or making them do it (when you're really exhausted, and when they won't have the skills to step up so you'll be eating poorly prepared, un-nourishing food right at a time when you really need good nutritious meals for example).

Your husband works full time so fair enough that he doesn't cook every night. But he can cook once a week - he has to learn in case you become more ill (and also because he's an adult and you want a few nights off!! But baby steps). And tell him he can jolly well cook healthy food for you because you need it - not takeaways and other shite. He really only needs 8 good recipes right now - that way you will get good variety (the same meal only 6 times a year if he cooks once a week) and 8 recipes is not too hard to start with.

Your daughter doesn't work, so there's no excuse for her. "Board" for a person in their mid-20s doesn’t include all cooked meals and laundry services unless you are really charging a lot for board. She should be cooking 2 nights a week minimum and she should be doing either all her own laundry or the household laundry a couple of days a week.

Put in place some steps now as a hedge against your illnesses getting worse. Yes they might complain but your future health takes priority over their laziness/lack of interest.

I have been through this process with my husband. At times his reluctance to step up has caused me to think about leaving. But he's getting better. And I'm glad I did it before I become really ill. Because being very ill and living in filth and on takeaways is not where I want to be.

Thank you so much for this post.

Some really good, constructive advice which I will take on board. I admit that I worry about becoming more ill as I get older and how I will manage. I've had a bad patch over the last couple of weeks and they're coming more often now, and it's made me think.

I'm glad your DH has stepped up and things are looking better. I do think that this is a conversation I need to have with both DD an DH, but particularly DH - DD will eventually leave home and DH will probably have to do a bit of looking after me at some point in the future.

Thanks again

I should say we all moved out for uni, and back at different stages. We all paid digs, and did a share of chores. However, we pretty much like each other, want to help each other out, and not be ducks, essentially, so seemed mad to do the same thing 3 or 4 times, instead of once.

But she isn’t working either. Surely she should take on her fair share of the housework and cooking. I mean, even if she were working every day, it would be only right for her to do some of the necessary chores. But especially given her current unemployment, I’m quite shocked she hasn’t stepped up to be a contributing member of the household. She is an adult living like a dependent child.

@WonkyCactus

I'm genuinely curious, does she ever prepare any food at all? Heat up soup? Make scrambled eggs or a sandwich? Bake anything?

She's baked biscuits a few times with me and makes sandwiches for her lunch sometimes (just Nutella or jam). The odd pot noodle for lunch or instant couscous. That's about it.

OP, you're most welcome. Contemplating one's limitations always sucks. Good luck and feel free to PM me at any time (I'm not always on here and when I am it's at funny hours, but I will reply eventually).

(And let your daughter know she's cooking her own dinner at the very least ).

Take care.

Re your comments about being at home al day and doing most of the work because you don’t work... there’s a huge difference between a person who chooses to stay at home and someone, like yourself, who cannot work.

Having a disability and/or health conditions can be a full time job in itself. You should not be landed with everything in a house full of adults because you are at home because you cannot work.

DD doesn't go out at all (even pre covid) so we don't get any time to ourselves.

Why not, doesn't she have any friends? She's 24, she should be living it up (pre covid) and having fun outside the house in some shape or form, not necessarily going out all night but something other than sitting at home waiting for her mum to cook her tea for 6pm.

@IDKNABYBIF22

DD doesn't go out at all (even pre covid) so we don't get any time to ourselves.

Why not, doesn't she have any friends? She's 24, she should be living it up (pre covid) and having fun outside the house in some shape or form, not necessarily going out all night but something other than sitting at home waiting for her mum to cook her tea for 6pm.

No, she doesn't have friends. She's always been a bit of a loner.

@Mincingfuckdragon2 so kind. Thank you so much

No, she doesn't have friends. She's always been a bit of a loner.

She doesn't wash, or clean her room, or cook and doesn't have friends. Are you worried about her? What are her interests and aspirations?

No...we share the cooking, whichever of us is home first gets started. I wd often get a text from my son if I'm late saying he's off to football but there is dinner in the oven & that's been the way since late teens. There is no spoiling with separate meals etc...and cooking is something kids need to learn...

Wow this thread is a bit of an eye opener. I'd cook a portion of what I was making with no issue at all but aside from that no way. I've never made separate meals although I'll
Substitute a part if it's one someone particular doesn't like, as long as it's simple. My 7 year old can make an interesting lunch and beans on toast, she can also make scrambled egg (in the microwave) and I get her to help with evening meals which she enjoys eventually even if she moans at first. Dd10 made marinated chicken, couscous (from scratch not a sachet), home made tzatziki and Greek salad the other day - I checked on her frying the chicken a couple of times. It's not impressive or a favour that your adult dd sometimes washes up or hoovers occasionally. Dd10 washes up twice a week, is responsible for the recycling including putting the bin out and in and hoovers the odd time. She does these jobs every week without fail to earn a magazine subscription. Dd7 puts the dishes away and sometimes hoovers, she also does sorting jobs like organising the shoe cupboard as that sort of thing is right up her street. You're doing your adult dd a disservice by not arming her with the tools to be properly independent and holding on to her being there, however much you'd miss her. We've all burned pans. I'm 41 and fully independent yet I closed the door forgetting to turn the grill off the other day then went out. If I'd not forgotten my shooing bags and gone back in the kitchen once it started to smoke I'd have probably burned the house down, doesn't mean I should never grill again. Also re washing if you are doing hers surely she should be doing her share of the household washing too. At 14 I was doing all my own as my mum only did washing on a Saturday and I needed stuff washed and dry for the following weekend, also they used what I used to call hippy washing liquid and I likes nice scented stuff. You really need to get her to help you at least prepare meals so she learns before she ends up on a diet of frozen pizzas for life. It will also be embarrassing for her in future if unable to make a basic dinner for friends or a partner.

The ‘but particularly dh’ bit of this: I do think that this is a conversation I need to have with both DD an DH, but particularly DH - DD will eventually leave home and DH will probably have to do a bit of looking after me at some point in the future.
That only applies for your own comfort. In terms of helping your daughter become a competent adult, this conversation should be most particularly with her. I find all this quite hard to comprehend actually. We moved in with my parents for a few months last year, I did about half the cooking at least, because I’m an adult. All teenagers should be able to cook a meal, and if they say it’s too hard I can’t, the only response is a firm ‘you weren’t born knowing how to walk and read, it took practice. Luckily you have loving parents who will ensure you practice this basic life skill, because it’s our job to bring you up.’

OP, your daughter seems to be a fairly useless lump of flesh all round (does she take after her father?). You haven't done her any favours by enabling her incompetence. If she's capable of getting a degree, she's capable of learning to cook. Albeit late in life - 24, ffs.
Your husband is probably a hopeless case. Try not to predecease him or the useless sod might starve (except strangely, they never do).