Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
Ihavenoidea · 08/02/2021 14:53

He doesn't drive, and doesn't pay towards your car, but expects to make use of it (and you) as his taxi service, and presumably for anything else he needs? For an operation which is elective and on a day of his choosing, because it suited him better? And shouted at you when you expressed genuine concern at being able to do it? Frankly I'd tell him to sod off and find his own way home.

If you have a friend with 4x4, then I'd ask if they would consider taxi-ing for you, which would be to collect you, then getting him from hospital, and dropping you both home, but there's no way I'd be venturing out in an inadequate vehicle on snowy country roads between now and his operation day if there's been further snowfall. I drive a big 4x4, and have the fallback of a tractor in emergencies, but there's now way I'd be out in heavy snow in a conventional saloon car.

And for what it's worth, the man's a complete arse.

Toorapid · 08/02/2021 14:53

Judging by the calls I've made to the hospital this morning, the staff needed to do the op won't be in anyway. I can't get hold of anyone because they're all "stuck at home". We have about half an inch of slush here.

MasterCaution · 08/02/2021 14:54

He sounds like an arse and you sound like you are making excuses.

Sh05 · 08/02/2021 14:54

Op please make sure he takes an overnight bag just in case, especially as you aren't confident to drive in the forecast snow and you mustn't as your inexperience could well result in an accident.
Don't hospitals keep patients in for 24 hours anymore after a GA though?

Godimabitch · 08/02/2021 14:55

@hurryupsummer2

Why on earth do you not have a joint bank account. I don’t understand this “my car” “my insurance”. You are married. You are a family unit.

Because he doesn't want to pay towards the car. It's not me being possessive over it. He doesn't think he should pay as he doesn't drive it.

Well with this I'm going YADNBU . I was on the fence because I would for my husband, but my husband would do anything for me and I him. Clearly your DH wants it to be a one way street of you doing all your wifely duties but him not being a husband. Nonconfident drivers are dangerous drivers, I wouldn't want to be in a car with someone who wasn't a confident driver, in the dark, in deep snow on windy roads. You should get some more lessons to become more confident.
OhCaptain · 08/02/2021 14:56

It doesn’t sound like you should be driving at all.

Or married, come to that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He can’t make you pick him up, I suppose. If you’re not there he’ll have to get a taxi.

It wouldn’t even dawn on me not to pick my DH up from surgery.

ZoeTurtle · 08/02/2021 14:57

I'm on the fence here. A reasonble person could lose their rag at the helpless-woman-scared-of-driving act... but your posts suggest he's not a nice man and maybe is the cause of your excessive nervousness.

sillysmiles · 08/02/2021 14:58

Some many things wrong with this while situation

It would never occur to me to not collect my husband after surgery. Having had day procedures in the past I know how much care I needed to get me home.

Living in a rural area (which usually means poor or no public transport) wen one person doesn't drive and the other is an anxious driver.

Your partners attitude to the car.

Your husband shouting at you - but tbf if my husband was refusing to pick me up after surgery I'd be shouting too and then reconsidering my future.

Expecting surgery to be rearranged to suit you/the weather.

My take is that you are both unreasonable and aren't acting as a partnership, but you more so.

Is there anyone you could ask to come in the car with you? A neighbour? Friend?

stackemhigh · 08/02/2021 14:59

@tara66 proper snow is pretty rare in SE England. The piffling snow right now doesn't count, it looks like the clouds are shedding dnandruff.

MotherofTerriers · 08/02/2021 14:59

OP I'm not good at driving in snow and ice, so I don't do it. Safer for everyone.

I'd tell him that shouting at you that this is what wives do is unacceptable.

Then depending on his response - a big apology, get a cab there and pick him up and bring him home. Anything other than an apology, let him sort it out for himself

Toorapid · 08/02/2021 14:59

@tara66

Why are people in UK always surprised by snow? In Europe snow chains and winter tyres are quite common and people have them. It also snows in Canada etc.
GrinGrinGrin

Really? Because it shows significantly very rarely? Because snow chains are illegal on roads that aren't snow covered, which no main roads are?

Confusedandshaken · 08/02/2021 14:59

@tara66

Why are people in UK always surprised by snow? In Europe snow chains and winter tyres are quite common and people have them. It also snows in Canada etc.
Because we don't get much of it, particularly in the South. It's two years since it last snowed where I live and even then it only lasted a couple of days. The more northerly parts of England and most of Scotland get a lot more snow and will be properly prepared for it.

Asking why we aren't prepared for it is like asking why people in the Sahara don't carry umbrellas. Like snow chains here , they are very rarely needed!

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 08/02/2021 14:59

@User7312019

I just can’t imagine not wanting to pick my husband up from the hospital and why on Earth should he move surgery to make your life easier? How selfish.
Does your DH shout at you snd tell you that you HAVE to do something because that's what 'wives' do?

Does he expect you to do dangerous things, that scare you, for his convenience?

brogueish · 08/02/2021 15:00

@Ihavenoidea
"He doesn't drive, and doesn't pay towards your car, but expects to make use of it (and you) as his taxi service, and presumably for anything else he needs? For an operation which is elective and on a day of his choosing, because it suited him better? And shouted at you when you expressed genuine concern at being able to do it? Frankly I'd tell him to sod off and find his own way home."

This. All of this. Not to mention the fact he provided absolutely no support when she's had to go in for procedures.

OP, he can sort out his own taxi or call on his friends to help. Don't be drawn into this. I'm so sorry you've had such unkind replies.

DedlyMedally · 08/02/2021 15:00

@FinallyHere

I imagine most people would be pretty irritated at their spouse refusing to pick them up post-op.

Even in a car to which he refuses to contribute financially. And he can't return the favour because he has neither a driving licence nor a car.

So just shouts at OP to get his own way.

Yeah, right.

Sometimes it's helpful to consider how the other party would have worded things if they had created a thread about the dispute. I imagine a reverse thread where the shouting was considered a justifiable response to pretty uncaring behaviour from a spouse. Imagine a husband with a wife who didn't drive. He justifies not picking her up from hospital because she doesn't have a licence and wouldn't be able to do the same if he needed it.
Bookriddle · 08/02/2021 15:01

@tara66

Why are people in UK always surprised by snow? In Europe snow chains and winter tyres are quite common and people have them. It also snows in Canada etc.
The last time I had snow like this in my area was around 2019, no way am I buying 4 tyres for snow I barely get
notalwaysalondoner · 08/02/2021 15:01

Couldn't you get a taxi there and back after picking him up? It's more expensive but solves your concerns about driving in snow, and shows you care.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 08/02/2021 15:02

@Babyboomtastic

This is basically the 'in sickness' but of the vows...
No it's bloody well not. It says nothing about chauffeuring a complete arse around in the snow & ice when He could easily get a taxi.
Groovee · 08/02/2021 15:03

My husband is having surgery on Friday and it says he must be collected by a "responsible adult" who either drives you home or goes in a taxi with you. That will be why he wants you to collect him. Although 9pm is very late.

IthinkIm · 08/02/2021 15:03

How's he getting there?

MaeveDidIt · 08/02/2021 15:04

He's a selfish prick potentially putting you in danger.

Greybeardy · 08/02/2021 15:05

Haven't read the full thread, but 25 miles in thick snow may put him outside the normal day case discharge criteria. In lots of places you need to be within 30 mins of hospital in case there are any problems post-op. (the type of surgery may make this more/less important).

tara66 · 08/02/2021 15:05

Toorapid - one takes the chains off when one gets to main roads of course. Sometimes only one wheel/tyre needs to be chained anyway.

Toorapid · 08/02/2021 15:06

You stop at every junction to change your chains?

PADH · 08/02/2021 15:06

@hurryupsummer2

Why on earth do you not have a joint bank account. I don’t understand this “my car” “my insurance”. You are married. You are a family unit.

Because he doesn't want to pay towards the car. It's not me being possessive over it. He doesn't think he should pay as he doesn't drive it.

That changes things for me. Refusing to pay for the car but benefiting from it is ridiculous and expect him to put yourself out both financially and time wise is selfish. I would always pick my dh and vice versa, would he wouldn't rip the piss and let me pay for a car that he uses and benefits from just because he isn't behind the steering wheel.
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.