To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

[quote Cadent]@Same4Walls telling OP she is not BU will give her the impetus to tell him to re-arrange it or find another means of travel. You don’t need to know who is taking him to hospital.[/quote]
OP has asked for opinions.

OP has happily given information to support her case.

OP is seemingly not happy to answer questions which other people feel would enable them to give an opinion.

It's not about thinking you're Jeremy Paxman , it's about wanting information to make a decision. You might be happy to take OP at face value, others may feel more cynical.

@Ihavenoidea

He doesn't drive, and doesn't pay towards your car, but expects to make use of it (and you) as his taxi service, and presumably for anything else he needs? For an operation which is elective and on a day of his choosing, because it suited him better? And shouted at you when you expressed genuine concern at being able to do it? Frankly I'd tell him to sod off and find his own way home.

If you have a friend with 4x4, then I'd ask if they would consider taxi-ing for you, which would be to collect you, then getting him from hospital, and dropping you both home, but there's no way I'd be venturing out in an inadequate vehicle on snowy country roads between now and his operation day if there's been further snowfall. I drive a big 4x4, and have the fallback of a tractor in emergencies, but there's now way I'd be out in heavy snow in a conventional saloon car.

And for what it's worth, the man's a complete arse.

This.

@LIZS

Hospital access routes are Priority 1. Of course it may be that op lives rurally and has to use lanes to get to main road.

She has already said that she does. And it's 25 miles away. If all routes to all hospitals were always kept clear, that would be every road in the country.

I can't imagine wanting to be with someone who wouldn't pick me up after an operation, and I can't imagine wanting to be with someone who shouted at me that I had to pick them up in a car I refused to pay for but wanted to be at my disposal.

There are underlying problems here. Could the immediate issue be solved by you hiring a 4x4 to drive in? Or going in a taxi to get him as PP said?

Yeah, he reckons its what wives do, but doesn't think husbands should pay towards the family car?

As you don't feel its safe you shouldn't drive.

As for the shouting, is that how he usually carries on?

I think you are being entirely reasonable OP. If I knew my spouse was not confident in driving in harsh weather conditions and it was easy to get a taxi home, I wouldn't even question getting a taxi, and I certainly wouldn't shout at them. Going forward though have you thought about doing an advanced driving course to help your confidence?

So as you wont answer how he is getting there....!!!!

It must be a friend who would bring him back?

You sound like you're making excuses.

She sounds like she has reasons.

The roads where I am are covered in snow. The gritters on the main road stopped at 6am and we've had inches of snow since then.
I'm a confident driver with winter tyres. And even I would be nervous today. Lots of reports of accidents and stuck vehicles.

So I sympathise OP. I would expect a partner to understand that.

And those questioning the taxi cost: it would be £70 here too - 23 miles to the hospital.

I don't blame you at all OP. Driving 50 miles (25 miles there and back) in deep snow, on uncleared and un-gritted country roads in the dark is grim and unsafe even for an experienced driver with a suitable car.

The met office has issued an amber weather warning. My parents live in a small town and the countryside and the roads around them can become impassable at times with snow drifts especially when there is not much traffic.

I think I too would suggest rescheduling or a taxi. Hospitals send groggy patients home in taxis all the time so I'm not sure why people think this is so awful. The only thing is that if he has had general anaesthetic the ward might not release him without someone to take charge of him from the ward.

I'm with you OP.
I hate driving in snow and ice. I decided long ago it wasn't worth it. By the time you factor in the cost of an insurance excess alone, it is more sensible to pay for a taxi.

You're saying your husband can't drive?!! If so, what kind of an adult man can't drive a car and then shouts at his wife for not wanting to drive in dangerous conditions at night?

What happens if you spin out and get stuck in the snow with him recovering from surgery? Is he going to help you push?

Who picks you up at the hospital after you have a procedure - not useless him?

So assuming he's getting a cab to the hospital in the morning, you can either take that one with him, hang around and bring him back in another one or you'll have to strike a deal with the cab company for 3 trips. Cabs have hardly been doing a roaring saturday night / airport run trade for the past year; I'm sure you'll find one willing to do you a very good deal.

I love my husband dearly but there is no way he'd make me to pick him up in the snow/ice and would more than happily pay for a taxi in those circumstances.

He knows I'm terrified of driving in ice. It's dangerous.

Is there a reason why your DH doesn’t drive ? You say you live rurally which suggests he is dependent on you to drive him around yet doesn’t see why he should contribute to your car !?

I’d walk through snow to pick up my H (even though he would point out how ridiculous that is and say he’d get a taxi) if I couldn’t/didn’t want to drive but I think it’s difficult to judge without knowing the procedure.

If it’s something like having a colostomy bag fitted and his ‘condition’ is colitis, then you should help him home, be that in your car driven carefully, or a taxi if you’re too frightened.

If however it’s having hair plugs installed (fitted? Implanted? What’s the word?!) and his condition is male pattern baldness, then he could probably hop in the taxi on his own.

The question still stands though, how is he getting there?

Can you take him, and occupy yourself while he has his procedure and then take him home after? Incidentally, I live in the middle of nowhere and they’ve been gritting like mad on roads that are never normally gritted.

Him yelling at you is a bit shit. Could it be he’s anxious and it’s manifesting in him shouting? Or is he always like that?

Drive in snow and ice ok drive in the dark ok drive in snow ice and dark for an attitude problem naaaa

maybe HE is going in by taxi?
As pp after anaesthetic they probably won't let him out without support
Get taxi & collect (& 15 mile journey in our area would cost you £30 or more EACH WAY.
From our town you might be able (by careful driving to get into main hospital but its a main road but it is icy & from what I gather there has been some severe traffic incidences nearby - what its like on the village roads I don't know but our local facebook page has been warning people about icy surface & NON gritted roads locally
Contact PALS at the hospital & ask for advice/help they may have links to volunteer drivers etc

I think these replies are pretty harsh. My mum is a nervous driver and my dad would never expect her her to drive 25 miles each way through the snow to collect him.

He wouldn't move the operation - that's unreasonable - but he'd happily get a taxi OR ask someone more confident to give him a lift.

OP, is there someone else who could collect your DH for you? A friend or sibling?

Even with restrictions I'd happily do someone this favour.

I agree with you.
I wouldn’t drive on rural roads in an amber weather warning unless they had all been thoroughly snowploughed and gritted.
Also your dh seems like a huge hypocrite he doesn’t drive himself, so would never repay the favour, plus he refuses to pay towards your car.

I'm guessing everyone saying to go doesn't live rurally 😅
Some of the drifts round here are huge, no amount of practice can defeat physics. Two wheel drive as well!? No way.

The idea that you could easily reschedule an op, at such late notice, in a pandemic.

If you are not a confident driver you shouldn’t be driving at all. Your husband needs you to pick him up, he won’t be able to drive home self. Come on op, you must know yabu.

I would go and get him. Drive slowly in the snow in ungritted side roads. However all the main roads would have been gritted and clear by the time you go. I would not leave him to get a taxi. The hospital wont allow him to leave without a carer for the first 24 hours, since leaving the hospital. If you're adamant on a taxi, you'll have to get one there and back.

@Mrgrinch

This is awful OP. Do you not even like your DH?

Well would you like someone who financially & verbally abuses you?