To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

I think I'd end up shouting at my husband if he refused to pick me up after an operation. Not that I'd be proud of it, but I'd feel hurt and unsupported. I think that is what wives do, little though the choice of words may have appealed to you.

@hurryupsummer2

Why on earth do you not have a joint bank account. I don’t understand this “my car” “my insurance”. You are married. You are a family unit.

Because he doesn't want to pay towards the car. It's not me being possessive over it. He doesn't think he should pay as he doesn't drive it.

Well if that's his style of logic then you don't cook his meals and don't do his laundry - you don't eat them, you don't wear them so you don't have to do them.

To be honest if it was the other way round and your dh didn’t want to pick you up in the snow wouldn’t you shout ?. I know I would , can you imagine it a thread on here I’m having a operation and my dh wants me to postpone it and now he’s refusing to pick me up because of snow .
I’d pick my dh in a heart beat and he would too and if he wasn’t keen I’d be very upset . I suspect you dh is upset with you .
If you really don’t want to you’ll have to arrange a lift but think about him not yourself he’s had the operation. And unless your psychic you don’t know if the weather will be better or worse later this week . It said snow for us today but there is like 3 flakes on the ground .

I think OP now has a range of options (hotel, pick him up in a taxi) to choose from if she’s anxious about the road conditions. Let us know what you end up doing Op! And yes, how he’s getting there as well

I’m laughing at all the people thinking they’re Jeremy Paxman by relentlessly asking her how he is getting to the hospital.

It’s irrelevant who is taking him there, OP’s AIBU is about who is picking him
Up.

If you don’t feel safe to drive then don’t drive- given the weather forecast/likely conditions, the fact that you live rurally, don’t have a car suitable for driving in those conditions and that you’re nervous I wouldn’t advise you to do that drive, especially in the dark.

But I would talk to him to come up with another arrangement. Is there a friend or family member who could help?
If I was shouted at then frankly I’d be telling him to sort it out himself. There’s no excuse for that, especially when you are not saying ‘ nope, not picking you up’ you’re saying ‘I don’t feel safe to drive’ which lots of posters appear to be ignoring.

And I'm laughing at all the posters on here who say "I'm not keen on driving in snow". Who the fuck is lol?

@WhereamI88

Why don't you take a taxi there and a taxi back together? I find you quite uncaring on this issue. General anaesthetic is not great and I would want my partner to be there for me to pick me up. But I understand the issue re driving, so just take a taxi, problem solved.

This. When I bad day surgery the hospital would not let people go home by taxi unless they had someone else with them

@Cadent

I’m laughing at all the people thinking they’re Jeremy Paxman by relentlessly asking her how he is getting to the hospital.

It’s irrelevant who is taking him there, OP’s AIBU is about who is picking him
Up.

Of course it's not irrelevant. The weather will also be snowy when he goes in so if a friend or relative is taking him then they would be the natural choice for collecting him after the op.

If it weren’t for the bad weather I’m sure you wouldn’t hesitate to pick him up. But YANBU for wanting to avoid the forecast snow especially as you are nervous about driving in these conditions anyway and you live rurally. If you get stranded what happens then? You won’t be able to get to him anyway and then you’ve got to get yourself out of that situation safely. I can’t believe he is so happy to put you at risk quite honestly.

Do you know anyone who drives a 4x4 or a taxi/transport service with one available? If so book this service on his behalf.

He is being very unreasonable, lot’s of non urgent treatments are often cancelled in bad weather conditions and hospitals would expect this.

Plus he shouted at you and is basically ordering you to pick him up despite the circumstances.
He is also being unreasonable about the finances, not paying anything towards the car but wanting to avail himself of it when it suits him.

Is this all part of a much larger DH problem? He sounds very rigid in his thinking and uncaring.
This is something you need to address if so.

Don’t be rail roaded by him.

@Cadent

I’m laughing at all the people thinking they’re Jeremy Paxman by relentlessly asking her how he is getting to the hospital.

It’s irrelevant who is taking him there, OP’s AIBU is about who is picking him
Up.

It’s not irrelevant though. If she’s dropping him off at 7/8am it’s not that much different to 9pm.

@Same4Walls telling OP she is not BU will give her the impetus to tell him to re-arrange it or find another means of travel. You don’t need to know who is taking him to hospital.

@Lockheart

Why should he move his operation?

How did he get there this morning?

Obviously you don't have to if you don't want to but personally I think it's incredibly mean.

Seriously?

She's not confident in the snow, she's putting herself & all other road users in danger because her DH who shouts at her won't get a taxi home.

I'd pick my DH up too, BUT he doesn't shout at me & tell me what wives do - aka isn't an entitled arse AND crucially I have winter tyres on my car & a LOT of experience driving in snow & ice. (Several years up a mountain)

@hurryupsummer2

YANBU fir the reasons I stated ^. Tell him you are not his driver, employee or chauffeur. Tell him you are NOT driving in the snow, so best he calls a taxi

why doesn't he drive?

I don't drive in snow or ice either so I sympathise with you. And if you are Inexperienced in driving in those conditions you are quite likely to end up in a ditch which won't help anyone.

However I agree with your DH that it is very unreasonable to expect anyone to get home on their own home after a general anaesthetic. It doesn't matter how minor the procedure is, a GA is a big deal and he will not be himself afterwards. He will need help.

The shouting complicates things. Does he generally shout to get his own way? If so, I would say screw him and leave him to his own devices. If he's normally a reasonable man and the shouting is out of character I would put it down to pre-op nerves and let it go.

Can the hospital arrange transport to get him home? Plenty of people don't have access to a car or the money for taxis and get brought home in hospital transport. If they can't I think you will have to bite the bullet and pay for a two way taxi ride there and back to pick him up. Or he pays. In our house it would come out of a joint account but I get the feeling that might not be the way you two do things.

I wouldn’t be driving in those conditions either. Every one must be a super confident driver who is having a go at OP!

I refuse to drive my dc to school when the roads near us are bad. They are rural and there are two T junctions that turn in to ice rinks. Even driving very slow you can skid and slide. My car isn’t built for that. Add night time to that and it’s 50 miles there and back - no chance. Not because I can’t be arsed but I’d be scared I was going to have a serious accident.

He should get a taxi

Completely sympathetic to your predicament OP. I am an inexperienced driver in snow and would feel the same..

Everyone saying just do it and don't complain is clearly much more comfortable driving in these conditions so it's easy for them to pass judgement I guess. I'd say don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or at risk.

I wouldn't shout, but I'd be a bit upset if DH said he wouldn't pick me up and I had to get a taxi in honesty. Especially at the moment it is not that easy to change appointments.

Lol. There's no need to learn to drive in snow when you can avoid it for a few days.

He can either postpone or get a taxi.

He's not a driver, the person who drives decides whether to or not.

If he won't even contribute towards the car then I wouldn't be giving him a lift anywhere regardless!

I have drive in icy and snow conditions many times, in the dark on rural roads 25 miles with only one car in the household nope I wouldn't be risking it either unless I had a 4x4 its madness to drive out in those conditions.

My car isn’t built for that.

This is absolute bollocks. Provided you don’t have summer tyres on any car can be driven in snow. Little ones. Big ones. Rear wheel drive ones. You just have to know how.

It’s like saying your car can’t be driven in reverse. You may not have the skills to do it, but it’s bigger all to do with the car.

To the poster that said the roads will he gritted, you cant know that!

We had snow all day yesterday and all through the night, infact it's still snowing now, I had to pick my wife up from work this morning, she works in a hospital, not 1 road was gritted/cleared, and the road through the hospital wasnt even gritted

I love driving but wouldn't dream of going in the snow without winter tyres, especially not in a rear wheel drive. I got caught out in the snow a few weeks ago, idiots were sliding everywhere (including bumping into my car), my biggest fear was being blocked in by other drivers who were stuck. This especially applies to lanes and hilly roads.

Why are people in UK always surprised by snow? In Europe snow chains and winter tyres are quite common and people have them. It also snows in Canada etc.

Yes you should pick him up, how utterly callous and cold to refuse to collect him from hospital after he’s had an operation. They’ll not even release him to a taxi after having had GA, he needs someone with him for 24hrs after.