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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:

Faultymain5 · 09/02/2021 17:14

@emilyfrost

She appars to only be nervous in snow, which is why she is taking the responsible decision not to drive. Did you read even the OP's posts?

Faultymain5 Did you even read the OP’s posts? She says:

I'm a nervous driver anyway and would rather not drive at all

And that is the person you think should do her "wifely duties".

I've read all the OPs posts (beyond the first one) and she has clarified the point.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/02/2021 17:18

Do you think the NHS will tell his wife that she has to drive, when we are being advised not to? Her husband will be physically unable, after his OP. They're the ones insisting on that.

The NHS does not assess whether a patient's wife can drive in snow or not. The OP's husband is capable of traveling in a taxi with his wife (or other escort) and does not need non-emergency patient transport. It is for patients with specific ongoing conditions. Patients coming in for elective procedures must make their own arrangements for getting home safely, and this is made clear at pre-assessment.

saraclara · 09/02/2021 17:21

I am a confident driver. One day I drove to work in thick snow when everyone else stayed home (stupid of me).
I was fine. Drove really slowly, though it definitely wasn't safe, and I knew I'd made the wrong decision.
But... I stopped at a traffic light (braking very very very early and gently) and then someone else's car skidded into the back of mine.

It doesn't matter if you're the best driver in the world. Sometimes being a good driver is about knowing WHEN to drive, and when not to. And you can't protect yourself against other drivers.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 09/02/2021 17:21

@TheYearOfSmallThings yes seriously, this is exactly what it's for.

CheshireCats · 09/02/2021 17:21

Op, I live in a very rural area that is extremely hilly (gradient warning signs on local roads)
I have a small, old car that is rubbish.
However, despite this I would 100% go and pick my husband up from hospital after a GA, snowing or not.

Sheepareawesome · 09/02/2021 17:21

I think I must be reading a different post from the rest of you!?

He expects you to put your safety at risk when there is an alternative? What if you have an accident on the road, which if you are driving whilst scared you would be much more likely to happen?

Just call him a taxi.

In fact if he always shouts at you to bully you when you don't put his needs over yours, call him one to leave permanently.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 09/02/2021 17:25

@TheYearOfSmallThings you are incorrect, we arrange transport for patients in these occasions.

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2021 17:27

@CheshireCats

Op, I live in a very rural area that is extremely hilly (gradient warning signs on local roads) I have a small, old car that is rubbish. However, despite this I would 100% go and pick my husband up from hospital after a GA, snowing or not.

Well, best advise the emergency services before you leave.

How daft.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 09/02/2021 17:32

@CheshireCats

Op, I live in a very rural area that is extremely hilly (gradient warning signs on local roads) I have a small, old car that is rubbish. However, despite this I would 100% go and pick my husband up from hospital after a GA, snowing or not.

But why? That's surely an accident waiting to happen, particularly as, if I understand correctly, the return journey will be after 9.00pm on dark, badly-lit, dangerous roads. Why on earth risk your own and your husband's safety in such poor conditions?

MsHedgehog · 09/02/2021 17:35

Genuine question. Not goading, just want to understand.

If they don’t have a shared bank account (and OP hasn’t explained why so could range from their mutual decision to control over money), why is it such a big deal that he doesn’t pay for the insurance if he doesn’t drive the car?

DH and I haven’t been married long, so we don’t have a shared bank account yet, but I pay for my insurance on my car, which he actually drives sometimes, and I don’t see what’s wrong with that or why we must share.

Why is OP’s husband not paying for the insurance a sign of him being a dick?

Aurea · 09/02/2021 17:36

I don't think patients can leave without a companion after a GA. I don't think a taxi would be allowed to be taken home if they were the only passenger.

BertramLacey · 09/02/2021 17:40

@CheshireCats

Op, I live in a very rural area that is extremely hilly (gradient warning signs on local roads) I have a small, old car that is rubbish. However, despite this I would 100% go and pick my husband up from hospital after a GA, snowing or not.

Well I look forward to hearing about you on the local evening news, in the wry comedy slot, when they point and laugh at the idiot who put themselves and the emergency services at risk.

Lweji · 09/02/2021 17:45

@CheshireCats

Op, I live in a very rural area that is extremely hilly (gradient warning signs on local roads) I have a small, old car that is rubbish. However, despite this I would 100% go and pick my husband up from hospital after a GA, snowing or not.

Have you, though? Driven in or after a heavy snow storm in your area?

GreenlandTheMovie · 09/02/2021 17:49

BertramLacey Well I look forward to hearing about you on the local evening news, in the wry comedy slot, when they point and laugh at the idiot who put themselves and the emergency services at risk.

What, for collecting their own husband from hospital after an operation?

That seems highly unlikely. Its not exactly equivalent to heading up Scafell wearing an anorak.

callmeadoctor · 09/02/2021 17:50

Do you even like your DH, OP?

flowersWB · 09/02/2021 17:53

Not that I'm suggesting it as an option but Is it really the case that you CANNOT leave hospital after a GA without an escort? Surely not? The NHS aren't the police. My MiL has form for discharging herself against medical advice. He can leave if he wants to surely?

GreenlandTheMovie · 09/02/2021 17:53

@BertramLacey

I'd be so unimpressed that I'd actually be planning on ending the relationship so I could have the chance to find someone who was a bit more supportive and caring.

Well I wish the OP's husband luck if he wants to find a driver who will taxi him everywhere whatever the weather, when he won't contribute to the cost of the car because he says he doesn't use it. If he can persuade that person to be a in relationship with him I'll be quite impressed.

I'd be equally unimpressed if they were quite a timid driver unable to drive on roads in a car in winter. The snow wasn't even that bad when this thread started!

Well if you don't drive yourself, and the OP's husband doesn't, you don't get to criticise other people for being nervous.

I don't have a spare hour.

Underneath the OP is a 'see next' button. Click on that. Keep clicking until you've read all her posts. It won't take an hour. If you don't have time to do this, you don't really have time to contribute at all.

See over there --->

Theres a university, with plenty of empty lecture theatres, with no audiences, just waiting for you to lecturer them on how to spend their time.

I'm sure you'll have a massive audience. Perhaps you could conduct Zoom sessions on it - "Telling People How to Browse the Internet in 110 Obvious and Patronising Ways".

Serious point though. I'd expect my partner to make some effort to go slightly out of their way or their comfort zone, if I had an operation and was in hospital and needed to come home. I just keep thinking neither of this pair like each other very much. Its the sort of way I'd treat someone I wasn't very bothered about, whom I found a bit of a nuisance.

revolving · 09/02/2021 17:57

@hurryupsummer2

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

My wife is new to driving and would be extremely nervous to drive in those conditions!

if I asked she would, but I know she would be nervous.
id never shout at her to "make" her do it.

Knowing my wife, I wouldn't ask her, I hate for her to feel nervous, that alone can cause accidents.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/02/2021 17:58

TheYearOfSmallThings you are incorrect, we arrange transport for patients in these occasions

Then your organisation differs from every one of the acute trusts I have worked at. None of these trusts would have sent a healthy patient home by patient transport in these circumstances.

Lweji · 09/02/2021 17:59

I'd expect my partner to make some effort to go slightly out of their way or their comfort zone, if I had an operation and was in hospital and needed to come home. I just keep thinking neither of this pair like each other very much.

It looks like the OP is following her partner's lead. Did you spot what he does when she's had to go back from hospital?

Also, you do seem to have a spare hour or two and a half.
Always better to check the OP's posts before you end up wasting your precious time arguing with pps on a thread because you didn't check the OP's posts.

Original poster

hurryupsummer2 · 09/02/2021 18:00

Do you even like your DH, OP?

I don't like anyone enough to risk my life, their life, and other road users' lives. Does that make me a bad person?

And to give a picture about how bad it is, the council has not been able to collect any rubbish this week so far due to the road conditions.

OP posts:

pickingdaisies · 09/02/2021 18:00

I was sent home in hospital transport when I was discharged in a snowstorm. We live at the top of a long steep hill that ordinary cars can't manage in the snow. Obviously I was not going to walk up the hill in a snowstorm after an operation. It was no problem for the hospital driver, great big diesel minibus thing just chugged up. No cars were attempting it. It's frankly terrifying trying to drive up a snowy hill and watching the car ahead of you begin to slide backwards towards you. OP is right not to attempt it

RandomMess · 09/02/2021 18:02

This is ridiculous unless the conditions change it would be utterly foolish for you to do the journey. He'll have to do what you have had to do previously and either pay for a taxi or a get a taxi.

If it's good enough for you it's good enough for him.

MsHedgehog · 09/02/2021 18:02

OP - is there any reason you can't get a taxi there and back? If you actually want to support your husband after his surgery, and you don't want to drive, then surely that's the next best thing?

Original poster

hurryupsummer2 · 09/02/2021 18:03

OP - is there any reason you can't get a taxi there and back?

Well he doesn't want to get a taxi due to the cost. If I had to get a taxi there it would cost double.

OP posts:

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