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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
TheyIsMyFamily · 09/02/2021 13:19

@hurryupsummer2

Why on earth do you not have a joint bank account. I don’t understand this “my car” “my insurance”. You are married. You are a family unit.

Because he doesn't want to pay towards the car. It's not me being possessive over it. He doesn't think he should pay as he doesn't drive it.

This is honestly all it would take for me to say No,

He doesn't drive it but clearly expects you to be on call when he wants a lift. And i bet you do all the running for supplies, shopping, family outings, etc while he refuses to contribute towards its unkeep, running costs, etc.

Just nope.

crumptrump · 09/02/2021 13:19

He doesn't want to pay anything towards the car but presumably he is quite happy to be driven around everywhere?

Original poster
hurryupsummer2 · 09/02/2021 13:19

I would be terrified of driving in snow and risking my life, for whatever the reason was

OP posts:
BertramLacey · 09/02/2021 13:19

There's no wonder there are accidents in icy conditions, given the gung ho attitudes here. You people saying OP should toughen up and drive on snow when nervous are one of the reasons people shouldn't drive in snow.

This. I can often cope with the conditions but other drivers and their gung ho attitudes often make it much more dangerous. I've been tailgated in heavy rain and fog by drivers who don't stick to the basic rule to be able to stop in the distance you can see to be clear. I can keep myself safe by driving carefully but other idiots often make it too dangerous. This thread is giving me an interesting insight into their attitudes.

I don’t understand folk who have cars but only use it to suit themselves

Well it suits me to avoid driving on snow and ice. This seems entirely reasonable to me.

It's not the 1950s .. if a taxi driver can drive In The snow , then so can you.. ! A penis doesn't give you magical powers !!

Guess what, in 2021, some taxi drivers are women. It's not the gender that might make them safer drivers, but the fact they do it for a living. Interesting that you tell the OP off for being old-fashioned but then assume taxi drivers are male.

rookiemere · 09/02/2021 13:20

I think for some posters the word nervous associated with a female driver is like a red rag to a bull.

OP you're entitled to drive or not drive as you wish.

Eckhart · 09/02/2021 13:25

OP you're entitled to drive or not drive as you wish

Yes, rookiemere, yes yes.

The crux of the issue.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/02/2021 13:28

*You people saying OP should toughen up and drive on snow when nervous are one of the reasons people shouldn't drive in snow"
No, the issue is that because snow is not that common in some part of the UK (compare to central Europe), people can go for along time without gaining experience and then are too scared to do so. If drivers actually did go out when it snows, on short trips to start with, they'd gained confidence and not be in OP's situation.

Eckhart · 09/02/2021 13:42

@dontdisturbmenow

It also depends on a person's risk aversion level. Some people, no matter how much experience they have or how confident they are, will not see the point of driving with increased risk. It's up to the individual drivers.

It's not up to us laymen to decide whether or not OP is too nervous to drive. She was given a licence by a professional body, so she is allowed to drive. It isn't nuanced. And it's certainly not nuanced with regard to her husbands hospital requirements.

derxa · 09/02/2021 13:53

Don't pick him up. He'll spend the night in hospital.

Tamingofthehamster · 09/02/2021 13:54

YANBU. I live rurally and the main roads are ok -ish. The side roads are really not great, especially if there’s any incline. I’ve been stuck a couple of times despite winter tyres, and each time needed a 4x4 to come and rescue me. If you don’t have any back up then it’s not worth the risk.

Like others have said, look at your relationship though -is he a nice enough man to spend the rest of your life with?

Crystalclair · 09/02/2021 14:01

Some people here are unreal.

You can pass your driving test and decide never to drive again if you want! There is literally no law saying otherwise.

If OP feels scared to drive in such conditions, she has made a sensible decision not to go forth with a journey that could put many others lives in jeopardy.

Not wanting to drive there does not equate to not caring about her DH.

All of this "get over it" bullshit is hilarious.

I'm a driver, who hates driving in snow and on motorways. Guess what? I dont do it. Guess what else? I'm ALLOWED to make that choice. I just plan other means of getting somewhere via public transport if need be. I couldn't give a fuck if someone thought I was unreasonable. Why should op?!

Faultymain5 · 09/02/2021 14:05

@callmeadoctor

Faultymain5 The OP has stated that she is a nervous driver anyway and dislikes driving."I'm a nervous driver anyway and would rather not drive at all."
And your point being? Sorry I dont' know what your point is here.
Chanandlerbong01 · 09/02/2021 14:13

So all those dictating at OP telling her she has to drive against her will, even after her husband shouted at her demonstrating his double standard, oh and it being deemed unsafe by relevant authorities..... what other things does she have to do against her will?

Backtoschool101 · 09/02/2021 14:16

When is the Operation OP? You said this week. It by the time the day comes there may be no snow and then this is a non issue. However you need to work on his shouting and possibly your relationship.

Lweji · 09/02/2021 14:19

@hurryupsummer2

I would be terrified of driving in snow and risking my life, for whatever the reason was
And his as well. Although, after his response, I wouldn't value his life that much.
Staffy1 · 09/02/2021 14:22

@TrialOfStyle

I am seriously angry at posters trying to guilt you into picking him up at the risk of your life in this weather. Absolutely outrageous.
I agree. It sounds like the OP has more sense than to listen to them though, thankfully.
CallistoSol · 09/02/2021 14:30

Your husband sounds pretty horrible tbh. For that and for him not contributing to car costs I would leave him to make his own way back from hospital.

okstretch · 09/02/2021 14:34

I'm sure most of the pp who are so scathing live in places where they rarely see much snow.

I was a passenger in my friend's car when we got caught in a snowstorm in a hilly rural area. She wasn't new to the conditions but it was terrifying and that was in daylight. I was so scared we would end up in the ditch.

The other issues of where they live and the marriage are for OP to think about.

londonscalling · 09/02/2021 14:35

Ignore everyone telling you to pick him up.

You mentioned that, apart from your fear, your car isn't built for driving in snow.

If that's the case he should definitely get a taxi. Imagine your car getting stuck in the snow with your husband in it who has just had an operation!!!

PADH · 09/02/2021 14:37

We currently have 6ft snowdrifts here. I wonder if anyone can tell me how much practise I need to be able to drive safely over them?

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 09/02/2021 14:38

I have already explained this but the hospital can arrange a Patient Transport Ambulance to bring him home, problem solved.

Eckhart · 09/02/2021 14:40

@PADH

We currently have 6ft snowdrifts here. I wonder if anyone can tell me how much practise I need to be able to drive safely over them?
Apparently you'd be fine if you'd done the same thing for 10 minutes last week. That makes ice safe to drive on, apparently...
SpeckledyHen · 09/02/2021 14:48

With a bit of luck the OPs DH will get a call soon postponing the operation!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/02/2021 14:50

I have already explained this but the hospital can arrange a Patient Transport Ambulance to bring him home, problem solved.

Seriously?

Patient Transport is limited to patients who are physically unable to get to the hospital without assistance. It is not a taxi service. The OP's husband would not be eligible.

BlueThistles · 09/02/2021 14:50

the indifference to the depth of snow and ice right now is baffling 🤔

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